Saturday, November 14, 2015

Elton John- Daniel

Replace the lyric Spain with Paris and this sums it up for me today (yes, I know Paris does not rhyme with plane, just indulge me)
Track and Field’s governing body has suspended the entire Russian team for state-sponsored doping. Vladimir Putin was furious and flew into a rage, but then later said; “Sorry, that is the steroids talking.” 

Vladimir Putin was so furious he tried to rip his shirt off, but he wasn’t wearing one.

New York Giants, Jason Pierre-Paul, who blew up his right hand in a fireworks accident, predicted he will sack New England Patriot QB, Tom Brady, Sunday. When asked the reason why he thought he would sack Brady, Jason could not put his finger on it. 

Thoughts on Paris:

On the bright side of a dark time, we Americans have not felt this close to Parisians since we discovered they consider Jerry Lewis a comedic god. 

Though I have not read the whole thing, in "The Art of War," Sun Tzu cannot stress enough the need to know your enemy. In my mind, it may not be possible to know the mind of an enemy who hates and murders people enjoying a Fall Friday evening in Paris.

Tonight's debate drinking game is to chug whenever a candidate reminds us poor idiots, who have probably forgotten, that not all Muslims are terrorists. You will get drunker than Ben Affleck between rehabs. 

Friday, November 13, 2015

Paris Strong

ISIS now stands for Idiots So Insanely Screwed

The NFL admits the all-green and all-red uniforms during the Buffalo Bills-New York Jets game were a mistake due to the color-blind not being able to distinguish the teams. And they still cannot figure out if the cheerleaders’ dresses were white and gold or blue and black.

In Orlando, a prostitute offered free oral sex to veterans on Veterans Day. Now that is a woman who puts her mouth where her mouth is. 

Kim Kardashian told “E News” that her pregnancy is “awful” and “I hate it.” Good to see Kim get a head start in the Mother-Of-The-Year contest. 

A Chinese billionaire bought the Blue Moon diamond for $48 million and gave it to his seven-year-old daughter. Thus ruining his daughter for other men for the rest of her life. “Oh, you bought me a Ferrari? How cute. Have you seen my $48 million dollar ring by any chance?” 

First they said the drone “evaporated” Jihadi John. Now they say they are fairly sure they got him. Next thing we know Jihadi John will be in a hospital with Khloe Kardashian by his side. 

Dr. Ben Carson said our country’s problem is arrogance. Having a brain surgeon call us arrogant is like having a Kardashian calling us publicity whores. 

"Damn, that water is cold..."

Child, I do declare, I can't get paid a nickel to bust up a Chiffarobe, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

CEO of Disney is involved with bringing an NFL team to Los Angeles.  Great. This is a guy who thought the Baltimore Ravens were named after the Disney show “That’s So Raven.”

One of the people, who lived in the Akron apartment building hit by the private plane, was saved by a Hot Pocket. He went out to get a Hot Pocket when the plane hit. So the official score is Hot Pockets lived claimed: Ten million; hot pockets lives saved: One.

A study of 293 college women claim women who give men oral sex are happier. This study was conducted by the smartest college guys in the entire world. 

Tennessee man apologized to his wife after he plead guilty for trying to have her killed three times. He was trying to kill her because she always nags he can’t do anything right the first time. 

According to a study, for the first time there are more obese women than men. This study was conducted by men who don’t want women to know who conducted this study. 

The American Postal Workers Union has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. They’re biased because Bernie used to be a Pony Express rider.

During the Thursday night NFL game, the New York Jets wore all-green uniforms and the Buffalo Bills wore all-red uniforms. Color-blind people could not distinguish one team from another. It was as if they were referees. 

Thursday, November 12, 2015

US drones have killed Jihadi John, the English-sounding ISIS spokesperson who beheaded Westerners on video. There is a big drop off to the next ISIS guy in line from Jihadi John: Twitter-feud Teddy.

During the Thursday night NFL game, the New York Jets wore all-green uniforms and the Buffalo Bills wore all-red uniforms. Christian groups are furious there are no Christmas images on the Bills all-red uniforms. 

The Caitlyn Jenner show “I Am Cait” was only renewed by “E” after Caitlyn Jenner begged, pleaded and finally agreed to a massive cut in her $5 mil salary. Wow, how many massive cuts can one person go through?

Campbell Soup recalled 355,000 cans of Spaghetti O’s due to plastic in some cans that were a choking hazard. It was either recall the soup or change the name to Spaghetti Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, O’s
According to the Neilson ratings, Donald Trump’s hosting of “Saturday Night Live” drew 9.3 million viewers. Or as Trump calls that: 9.3 billion viewers. 

Researchers have published a letter written by a Harvard student in 1743 asking his parents for money. Fortunately, Larry King’s parents said yes. 

During the debate last night, Marco Rubio said; “We need more welders than philosophers.” This upset the philosophers so much they had to quit their Starbucks shift early.  

Dr. Ben Carson is being protected by the Secret Service. Carson’s Secret Service codename is: Sleepy Urkel.

Click-on to magnify 

Baby Hitler sez:

"Ickey crikey von Nike schnikey." 

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Since you asked:

Drexel University has joined the long list of colleges to revoke their honorary degree to Bill Cosby due to his sexual predatory past. 

All that means nothing unless University of Massachusetts at Amherst revokes the trumped-up doctorate degree they gave Bill Cosby in 1976 in a deal with the devil. UMass, excuse me, doctored a deal with Cosby to give him credit for the work he was doing anyway on “The Electric Company.” Cosby then paid a writer to write his doctorate thesis. 

Cosby, who never graduated from his high school, let alone a college, got paid to get a doctorate, a title he throws around with a vengeance, and UMass got free publicity. (Nobody should legally be able to use the title doctor in their name who cannot save a life on an airplane, but that is another story) 

Well, that free publicity for UMass Amherst is turning into a nightmare. 

So folks, as of now, the University of Massachusetts at Amherst still believes that Bill Cosby is deserving of their doctorate title. 

Contact John Kennedy if you disagree.

The makers of Budweiser and Miller beer are merging. Now if they merge with Madison River Brewing Co., the makers of Hopper beer, the Budweiser/Miller/Hopper beer could be called a Bumweipller. 

A study shows people with dementia have their sense of humor change from verbal to broad slapstick. And people with serious brain damage watch a lot of “The Disney Channel” specifically "That's So Raven" reruns. 

Dr. Ben Carson now has Secret Service protection. Is that necessary? If a gunman threatens Carson, he will just direct them to the cashier at Popeyes. 

Medical marijuana just went on sale in Chicago. “If it was a fight between mascots, the Bears would win the Super Bowl every year,” is a conversation Bear fans will constantly have on medical marijuana. 

Donald Trump calling for a boycott of Starbucks because of the lack of Christmas symbols on their holiday red cups. You can tell Trump is in the Christmas spirit, he has already set up the Nativity scene on top of the hay on his head.

The makers of Budweiser and Miller beer are merging. Contrary to rumors, the beer will be called neither a Bumwiller nor a Mudleiser. 

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

So why does Ben Carson have a painting of himself at the spa with Russell Brand?

President Obama has a new, personal Facebook page because he wants to "Have real conversations about the most important issues facing our country. LOLJK, I want to see which of my old girlfriends got fat.” 

The fourth republican debate is over and we have determined the winner: Netflix and Chill.

Medical marijuana just went on sale in Chicago. And to make it through the rest of the season, 3-5 Bears fans all suddenly contracted glaucoma. 

Kim Kardashian admitted on Twitter she has gained 56 pounds in her second pregnancy with six weeks to go. 56 pounds. That is an entire Bieber. 

Donald Trump is calling for a boycott of Starbucks because of the lack of Christmas symbols on their holiday red cups. To appease Trump, Starbucks is making a red Christmas cup in honor of Trump’s wife and two former wives: It says; “Ho, Ho, Ho.” 

Dr. Ben Carson claims, in his biography, “Gifted Hands,”that, at 14, he tried to stab a kid but failed. CNN researched it and said the story is not true. You know you had a rough week when you try to tell people you’re a failed murderer and they call you a liar.

And now it is time for a new feature all the good people here at a.L.b.b. call:

Commokes From The Jamoke

(Commoke. Noun. Combination Comment and Joke) is, without any doubt, the most evil and sinister website on the Internet. Those minions of satan pick topics you cannot resist, like “Hollywood Movie Stars Who Are Sex Addicts,” and it throws you into a a nightmare of a slow, freezing site that constantly tricks you into clicking on their ads. Three commercials will run at the same time. 

A sinkhole outside of a Mississippi IHOP swallowed twelve cars. Out of habit, the waitress, Doris, asked the sinkhole; “Would you like anything else, honey?” 

Thank god baseball season is over for no other reason than the awful GMC commercial that says; “A pitcher who paints the corners is called a Rembrandt.” No pitcher in the history of baseball has ever been called a Rembrandt.

Saw a great Smithsonian HD documentary on Netflix; “Apocalypse: The Second World War.” On the Eastern front, Russian and Nazi soldiers, while on their way to probably getting blown up, burned to death or shot, in addition to starving and freezing with no sleep, they had lice and scabies which drove many of them insane from itching. 

And typhus. They also had typhus. 

The typhus gave them diarrhea twenty times a day, but it was so cold, if they took their pants all the way off, they would freeze to death. So, to go poop, doctors ordered them to rip the seam in the back of their pants. 

And your problems are what?

The wheels have come off the San Diego Chargers. It would crush me to see the Bolts move to Los Angeles, but if they do, fine. Let's turn San Diego into during-the-season Pro Bowl. Five or six times a year have two teams from cold weather climates play their games here. There are so many fans from Cleveland, Buffalo, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, New York and Chicago here, they would always sell out.

And the players love coming here. So does Mike Tirico. 

Monday, November 09, 2015

Denver Bronco cornerback, Aqib Taleb, stuck his fingers in Indianapolis Colts’ Dwayne Allen’s eyes. When asked to comment, Taleb said; “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.” 

Taleb was penalized for unnecessary roughness and for impersonating Mo of "The Three Stooges."

After rushing to Lamar Odom’s side at the hospital, Khloe Kardashian has been back with her recent ex, James Harden. You know what they say: Easy coma, easy go. 

That is quite a rebound even for Harden.

The 78-foot-tall Norway Spruce has been put up for the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. Or as the New York rats call it: our Holiday timeshare. 

In Fort Lauderdale, a police deputy was too drunk to receive an award from Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Once again, Florida being so Florida even Florida can’t believe how Florida Florida is Florida. 

Since you asked:

So between all the pink-gear support for breast cancer awareness and then the player’s union’s defense of Dallas’ Greg Hardy, I take it the NFL stance is somewhere around it’s OK to beat women, they just don’t want them to get cancer?

Sunday, November 08, 2015

With six loses in a row, at this point the only thing the Dallas Cowboys and the domestic abuser they support, Greg Hardy, are in favor of beating are women.
Clay Tres is in the fray today, so nice they named him thrice, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Jason Pierre-Paul, who injured his right hand in a fireworks accident, will play for the Giants today against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. When they asked Jason how he will be able to play with a mangled hand, frankly, he was stumped. 

At the Rick Owens Fashion Show in Paris, the models walked down the runway two-at-a-time in the 69 position. Luckily nobody tripped and ate it. 

The first “Selfie” was taken in 1839. It’s titled: 
“For the love of god, put some pants on, Larry King.”

Since you asked:

The over-and-under on Greg Hardy getting arrested and kicked out of the NFL? One month. 

The Jerry Jones/Dallas Cowboy sensibility allowed for Michael Irvin to thrive there - even way past his playing years - despite several cocaine and sexual assault arrests. Jerry Jones is a wildly successful sports owner. Jerry Jones is also a complete and utter scum-bag and so are many of his ex and current players. 

For Jerry Jones to, A, support Greg Hardy and, B, call him a leader and then, C, lie about not having access to the pictures of Hardy's beaten and deeply bruised ex-girlfriend is just a clear indication of how slimy a liar Jones is.