One love, one heart, let's get together and be Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


OK, Ashton, one . . .
There is trouble in paradise. Rumor has it Demi Moore and Ashton Kucher had a bit of a love spat. The tiff was pretty serious. Demi got so mad, she had to put Ashton in a timeout.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kucher are dating. There is a bit of an age gap. In fact, Demi is so much older than Ashton, when they have sex, Demi is the one who yells “Who’s your Daddy?”

Second worst pick ever
There was a shocking development in the NBA draft. Instead of taking LeBron James, the Cleveland Cavaliers picked Ryan Leaf.

Oh goody
President Bush said that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein will both be captured, it’s just “a matter of time.” Great. The Grand Canyon was formed in a matter of time.

My Dizzle
I guess at the BET Awards Snopp Doggy Dog had some guns, body armor and some pot in his car. Now the shizzle is really gonna hit the fanizzle.

Our Father, who hit on eleven, hollowed be thy name
At a casino in Atlantic City, a 56-year-old former nun hit a $1.5 million jackpot on slots. She had been a Nun at the Church of the Holy Let It Ride.

And I, eee, I, eee, I will always love drugs
Whitney Houston is pregnant. Whitney said she is going to demand an Epidural, not just when she is in labor, but for the entire length of the pregnancy.

It’s a skank thang
In his loss to Lennox Lewis, it took sixty stitches to close the cut above Vitali Klitschko’s eye; or as Christine Aguilera calls sixty stitches: her stage outfit.

Now that’s angry
At Wimbledon, US’s Andy Riddick defeated British player Greg Resudski after Rusedski lost his temper after an ump refused to replay a point. How bad was Resudski’s tantrum? After seeing Resudski’s outburst, they suggested that he seek anger management counseling . . . from Mike Tyson.

Hasta la vista, bathroom
“Terminator 3” is coming out. You can tell Arnold is getting up there; in this one, when he says; “I’ll be back” it’s to announce his many trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Hate to hear that
San Diegan, Gene Emory speared a near-record 71-pound sea bass at the La Jolla cove. Tragically, Emory was mugged and had his sea bass stolen by a marauding pack of chardonnay bottle and copper skillet -wielding La Jolla yuppies.

And, today, the temperature in Hell plummeted
Did you hear that there is some video evidence that Mike Tyson was trying to avoid trouble outside the Brooklyn Hotel where he was arrested? That's it, folks, it's the Seventh Sign. Load up your cars with water and supplies and drive like a bat out of hell for the desert.

Since you asked

Folks, can we talk about how great Demi Moore looks? Man, oh man, she is the goddess of MILF's. (If you don't know, don't ask) The long straight jet-black hair, the ripped bod, the always raspy voice, zowzizzille, my Mizzle. Guess a little of that young blood has been good for her. And she was really funny on "Will and Grace." At least I think she was funny. Baron's had a sale on Merlot yesterday.

(Put on the hairdreyers and start filing those nails, girlfriends)

My sources say Mommyhood has been good for Ms. Moore. She used to have quite the bad rep on movie sets as "Gimme" Moore. Same with her ex, Bruce. And let's not forget, Demi is the one who threw the Deva fit to get the ending of "The Scarlet Letter" changed to a happy ending because, in her words;

"Nobody will care, nobody read the damn book."

But you know what? They say Demi has come around. Folks in Ketchum Idaho say Bruce and Demi are real down to earth. (If I was a rich famous bastard, I would be down to earth as well. It's scraping for bucks that makes me so damn surly )

By the way, folks, I have been to Ketchum, don't think the Moore's are roughing it out in the Stix. It is really Sun Valley. When I say Ketchum, you think Aspen. And that reminds me. Not to dish, but, we got to talkin' to a couple of Trophy wife MILF's drinking wine at a chi chi wine store in Ketchum, and when we asked for dirt on the Moore's they said they couldn't comment because -lean forward so the Manicurist can also hear - they had to sign non- disclosure agreements.

Who in the world makes friends sign a non-disclosure agreement? And why would you need to? Oh well, the Moores live in another galaxy, folks. But we got the feeling, if not for being legally restrained, these typsy broads were ready to fling some mud at the Moore's, my friend.

Well, either way, I say good for Ashton and good for Demi, and good for Bruce for being such a good sport. And I am sure they will be very pleased to hear I approve.

It's a C thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Trust me on this
Saturday was Summer solstice, the longest day of the year. Unless you are married and forget an anniversary, then that becomes the longest day of the year.

Good question
The number one movie is "The Hulk." The thing about the Hulk that nobody can understand is that, after he becomes so huge, how come his pants still fit? It’s the same question that applies to Anna Nicole Smith’s bra.

Which we won’t put up with
Rice defeated Stanford 14-2 in the College World Series in the battle of the high SAT scores. These guys are so smart, when the ump says; “You’re out,” they correct him to not end a sentence with a preposition.

Well, it’s gone anyway
The good news is that the SARS virus threat is just about over in the U.S. The bad news is that, depending on where you live, SARS was either burned-out or flooded away.

She Loves Geraldo Like a Rock
Congrats to our good friend Geraldo Rivera. He got engaged. He gave his fiancée, Erica Levy, a six-carat diamond ring. Six-carats. It’s even bigger than Geraldo’s nose. That works out to about one-carat for every ex-wife. Gosh, that’s a big ring. What could he possibly be compensating for?

Not that there is anything wrong with it
How many of you stood in a long line to watch “The Hulk?” How many stood in a long line to buy the Harry Potter book? What did the rest of you folks who aren’t dorks do yesterday?

The Whatever Bowl
Yesterday was the Arena Football League championship game and, like the Super Bowl, Tampa Bay won. Sorry for all of you who taped it. This can be a rough time for sports fans; that horrible void when Arena Football Ends and before the All Star baseball game begins.

That’s a lot of wax
Before Madam Tussaud’s wax museum got permission to display their Jennifer Lopez replica, J. Lo made them shave off wax from the butt. It wasn’t a total waste, they used the left over butt wax to make the boy band ‘N Sync.

Oh, that explains it
People magazine has published their issue featuring the 25 sexiest bachelors. Bill Clinton was upset he wasn’t on the list until they reminded him that he is technically still married.

How he do that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

He’s a soul man
In golf, Jonathon Kaye won the Buick Open. Kaye is a former U. of Colorado golfer who was sporting a funky soul- patch: a tuft of beard under the lip. This also marks the first time the words funky, soul and golfer have been used in the same sentence.

Yuck
Vitali Klitschko was beating Heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis in what would have been a huge upset until the doctor stopped the fight in the sixth round; somewhere around the third round, Lewis turned Klitschko’s eye into a sequel of Wes Craven’s movie “Scream.”

How bad was the cut? Let’s just say I won’t be eating Steak Tartar anytime soon.


Jose can you see?
Jose Canseco was arrested at his Florida home while serving under house arrest after testing positive for steroids, a violation of his probation. How does somebody flunk a drug test while under house arrest? That’s like being arrested for drunk driving while cutting your lawn on your riding mower.

Good question
In the final twist to the world’s most discussed soccer deal, David Beckham is leaving Manchester United to play for Real Madrid. This immediately raises a question in the minds of millions of United States sports fans: who the heck is David Beckham?

Drop and cover
Pop princess Britney Spears disappeared from this year's Forbes Top 100 Celebrity List after last year's No. 1 spot. Even Debbie Gibson is making jokes about that big a drop.


It's a tasty thing
In New York, Martha Stewart appeared in court as the judge set a trial date of January, 12th. Martha’s lawyers will file motions to have the case, not just dropped, but dropped in flour, lightly fried and then covered in chocolate powder and fresh nutmeg.