Friday, May 03, 2013

Day up on dah Wally-cuddle-couch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The singer Ke$ha has a tattoo inside her lip that says “Suck It.” It’s all in the new book; “Ke$ha: How Fathers Don’t Want Their Daughters To Be.”

Not to imply Ke$ha is skanky, but if you follow her on Twitter, you better wear a condom.

One of the people arrested in the Boston Marathon bombing investigation was from Kazakhstan and had a license plate “Terrorista #1.” Why do I get the feeling our CIA agents are not as efficient as they are on the show “Homeland”?

Three more people have been arrested in the Boston Marathon bombing investigation; and so, just like that, we’re going to forget all about that dangerous perp Reese Witherspoon?

A LexusNexis study reveals, despite advances in technology, office productivity is down. I find it so hard to believe office productivity is down I denied it on my blog, Facebook post, Twitter and on messages to my ten Words With Friends opponents.

Virgin Airlines is offering an in-flight flirtation service where you can order drinks for another passenger. And that’s on Virgin Airlines, you don’t even want to know what they’re offering on Horny Cougar Airlines.

Research shows our pilgrims at Jamestown had to resort to cannibalism to survive; that takes the comma right out of, “Let’s eat, grandpa” and turns it into “Let’s eat grandpa.”  

The rumor on Twitter is that, during a playoff win against the New York Knicks, Boston Celtic, Kevin Garnett told Knick Carmelo Anthony, that Anthony’s wife tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios. Could have been worse, he could have called her a Pop Tart.

Two years ago the Navy Seals got Osama bin Laden. Two solid years of Osama bin Laden yelling in heaven; “Why didn’t anyone tell me these 72 virgin would be so damn ugly?”

The support for the first publically gay NBA player, Jason Collins, has been great, but what the hell do we do about this guy?

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Dat’s how we does, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is awesome that NBA’s Jason Collins has come out of the closet; now if we can just get the Chicago Cubs to come out of the cellar. 

After NBA’s Jason Collins came out as gay, President Obama said he could not be any prouder. That’s fine, but I want to wait and hear what Honey Boo Boo’s parents think.

A lingerie company has launched a line of lingerie for men. Finally men can ask women; “Did you buy this for me or for you?”

The New York Jets released Tim Tebow; that is rough, being told by Jets coach, Rex Ryan, you’re not good enough for his team is like having Paris Hilton call you a slut.

After NBA’s Jason Collins bravely came out as gay, Miami Dolphin $60 mil. receiver, Mike Wallace, questioned the concept of homosexuality on Twitter. Hey, it is OK for people to have their opinions, how else are we going to identify the idiots?

A lingerie company has launched a line of lingerie for men. “Wow, why didn’t we have a line of men’s lingerie sooner?” asked nobody.

The New York Jets cut Tim Tebow; Tebow was so upset, he threw a tantrum. But the tantrum was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

Since you asked:

We had a guy on our track team in high school, while not officially out as gay, we all knew he was gay. How much of a problem was it? Not at all as I recall. A big reason why? He was fast as hell at the 200, 400, the mile relay and jumped out of the track on the triple jump. 

In fact, he was awesome. He would get the whole team singing and dancing on the bus rides back to the high school. 

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Sorry, brave NBA gay player, Jason Collins, but, thanks to the Milwaukee Brewer's hot dog sausage racer, Frank Furter, you're second. 

Never go full-retard, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o. Or is it just somebody on Twitter and Facebook pretending to be the San Diego Chargers?

The San Diego Chargers head coach, Mike McCoy, selected Manti Te’o. So, ironically, Te’o will be playing for the real McCoy.

Los Angeles Lakers, Dwight Howard, is expecting his fifth child from a fifth different mother; I’ve heard of mixing up your shot selection, but this is silly.

They opened the George W. Bush Library and Think Tank; well, its not really a Think Tank, its more of a Think Inflatable Pool.

A woman in China killed a man by squeezing his testicles until he went into shock and died; upon hearing this, Hillary Clinton, Maria Shriver and Kim Kardashian all said; “Wait, you can do that?”

Once again it is official, Los Angeles has the worst traffic in the country; it is so bad, the Los Angeles Lakers had to plan to leave two hours early to get to the Staple Center and lose the playoffs.

The New York Jets released QB, Tim Tebow; that’s tough. Getting cut by the Jets is like getting a show cancelled on NBC.

There is a condom that looks, smells and tastes like bacon. Thus officially making bacon-flavored condoms the worst Passover/Mother’s Day present ever.

A Santa Ana woman was found guilty in a trial for cutting off her husband’s penis. Why did they have to have a trial? Either exhibit A is still attached to the plaintiff or it is not. 

Since you asked:
Can’t wait to watch “Silver Linings Playbook” tonight. Grilling beef ribs (boiled in beer, coke, with garlic and onion and finished on the Weber with barbeque sauce) and my roasted Yukon garlic and parmesan potatoes.

It is a fascinating study in human nature people can sympathize with physical pain or problems but not as much with mental pain or problems. Especially when you consider we all have had both.

Growing up in Winnetka, Ill., we had a mental hospital/asylum in our town. It was an old, scary big brick building right on the lake. But when we drove past it as little kids, we would not speak. Or, if we did speak, we would only whisper.

As a child, they might as well have said it was a hospital for monsters. From time to time a patient would escape and the entire town was in lockdown mode. The labels murderer and mental patient seemed to be synonymous.

 On another topic:

No lie, I have at least five Facebook friends who have written big-selling books. And today I misspelled a word so badly, Spell Check had no clue. Had to go back and try to misspell it better so it could at least give me some options. Spell check was so pissed at me, it wanted to say; "Dude, seriously? You didn't know there was one, let alone two Y's in Synonymous? And you call yourself a writer?"