Friday, September 16, 2005

We are dead smack all up in the gloaming, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Big Apple? Nahh how 'bout the missing Cherry?
The New York Post claims women in New York have more sex than women in any other city. And that doesn’t include how, when they go shopping, they also get screwed by retailers.

Any relation to Eileen?
Paul McCartney’s wife, anti-fur activist Heather Mills got in a scuffle with Jennifer Lopez’s security forces and her artificial leg came undone. Witnesses say Heather Mills was hopping mad. But she decided to skip the lawsuit. Her lawyer said her case didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Paul McCartney’s wife, anti-fur activist Heather Mills, got in a scuffle with Jennifer Lopez’s security forces and her artificial leg came undone. Poor one-legged Heather doesn’t stand a chance in any ass kicking contest let alone against a butt as huge as J.Lo’s

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
During his testimony in front of the Senate, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts said that his favorite movie was “Dr. Zhivago.” To which President Bush asked; “Was that there “Dr. Chicago” the sequel to “Dr. Detroit”?”

Do the math then the teacher
A government sex survey reveals the oral sex is way up among teenagers. And that’s not even counting with their teachers.

Thank you Billy and Monica
A government sex survey reveals the oral sex is way up among teenagers. To which a large number of teenage boys replied that they would like to give a thank you shout out to former President Bill Clinton.

Neeee haawwwww
John Roberts told the Senate judicial committee that he is not an ideologue. President Bush agreed saying, “He ain’t no idiot log, that boy’s sharper than a big city barber’s shavin’ razor.”

Kanyee tell me
While the war in Iraq goes on, special forces – or Black Ops - continue to fight in Afghanistan. However, rapper Kanyee West claims President Bush doesn’t care about Black Ops.

Big decisions
Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to decide on if he is going to run for a second term as governor; in addition he is also going to decide if he is still going to use English as a second language.

How is that possible?
The teenager that hacked into Paris Hilton’s cell phone was sentenced to 11 months in a juvenile facility. And by merely hacking into Paris’s cell phone, he was also sentenced to 11 months with a sexually transmitted disease.

Since you asked:

We have a new addition to the family: Squishy the caterpillar. (Ann Caroline named him) We put him in a box with a plastic window and punched holes in the top and put in milkweed branches. Squishy then gorged on the leaves and had attached himself to the top of the box when Ann Caroline said; “He’s getting ready to form his chrysalis.” Huh? How did she know that? Suddenly I feel like Forrest Gump with Forrest Junior.

A few years ago, I was driving Ann Caroline to day care and I looked in the rear view mirror and she had the most serious look of concentration a four-year-old can have. When I asked her what she was thinking about she paused for a second and then said;


All the good people here at A.l.b.B. would like to introduce you to a new feature we like to call:

Lex is an idiot confession:
When the mood hits me - and it does more than I care to admit - I like to pretend that, when I am on this here computer, that I am the captain of a submarine or some futuristic military-attack space shuttle.

“OK, ready the fax for firing. Load the document. Click in the coordinates and fire. What? We’re receiving enemy spam and junk e-mails? Hit delete and run the virus checker, I want a full report from damage control. Gentleman, it’s time for a little recon work. Hit Google, then news and I want all the current data on Britney Spears’s baby’s name on the double. Why? Sorry, that’s on a need-to-know basis. Communications, I want an update on any new e-mails correspondences that have been delivered since the last check one minute ago, a.s.a.p.”

Sometimes, when I’m really feeling it, I pop up iTunes and play “Tom Gun’s” “Danger Zone” while I’m doing it. Sad? No, more like pathetic.

Beautful golden sunset here with just a hint of fall in the air. Going heavy on the California theme cuisine: Guacamole, Tri-tip and salsa, sourdough biscuits, ranch beans, wine, lots and lots of California wine.

Killer grind, dude.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

We feelin' you now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Those celebrities think of everything
The support for New Orleans by Hollywood celebrities has been amazing; why, they even brought in Winona Rider to help with the looting.

Far reaching ruling
A California judge ruled the pledge of allegiance in schools is unconstitutional. In addition, when a teacher is having sex with a student, she can’t yell out; “Oh god, oh god.”

Oh Ophelia, you’re breaking my heart, you’re shaking my confidence daily
Hurricane Ophelia is still off the Carolina coast; Ophelia is so slow moving they might have to change its name to hurricane FEMA.

Congratulations to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline they had a baby boy; of course now he is at that stage where all he does is lie there, feed, burp and sleep. But enough about the father, the baby’s doing fine.

Mean, so mean. Why?
Congratulations to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline they had a boy they named Preston Michael Spears Federline. They were going name him after the father but they decided they didn’t like the sound of the name Useless.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had a baby boy named Preston Michael Spears Federline. In an earlier interview, Kevin Federline said he’d like to name the baby Vegas, after one of his favorite places. Either that or Wal Mart.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline named their baby Preston Michael Spears Federline. So apparently they didn’t just have a boy, they had a gay boy.

This is a special time in a young celebrity’s life. Britney should enjoy this brief period before continuous marital problem denials followed soon by the messy divorce and ending with a tearful appearance on a very special “Oprah.”

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had a baby boy. The baby was delivered by Caesarean section. It was embarrassing when they told Kevin Federline the birth was by C-Section, he said, “C-Section? Why was he delivered by some rapper dude?”

My kind of town
Despite hurricane Katrina, two bars and a strip club stayed open in New Orleans. Now there is a city that has its priorities right, forget electricity, forget water, get me a beer and bring on Bambi.

Apple has introduced the Nano iPod that holds 1,000 songs and is just a quarter of an inch thick. The only thing that skinny that holds as many songs is Mick Jagger.

It’s about time
A California judge ruled that the pledge of allegiance is unconstitutional. Yeah, who needs that whole liberty and justice for all nonsense?

Supreme Court nominee John Roberts continues to frustrate democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee. Delaware Senator Joe Biden was so frustrated he nearly tore out his hair plugs.

Ted Kennedy was so frustrated he could have driven off a bridge.

Shaq attack
In Miami, Shaquille O’Neal flagged down police who arrested a man for throwing a bottle at a gay couple. Actually, Shaq first tried to throw the bottle back at the man, but he went 0 for 10.

Second to none
The New York Post claims women in New York have more sex than women in any other city. Actually the city that has the most sex is San Francisco, but that doesn’t include any women.

Nice try
Volatile actor Russell Crowe is looking to get his charges reduced. He wants the assault for throwing a phone reduced to the lesser charge of overly-aggressive telemarketing.

Quite a change
A survey reports that New York City cab drivers are getting friendlier. Some of them now will even let you pet their goat.

Hate to hear that
China has their own Disney Land. It’s a little different over there. During the Parade of Dreams, a tank ran over Goofy.

It’s a good thing
Have you seen Martha Stewart’s new show “Martha”? Apparently it reveals a softer, friendlier side of Martha. In yesterday’s show she helped a convicted felon make a shiv out of a spoon.

The air quality in New Orleans is not good. In fact it is so bad, instead of the Big Easy, they are now calling it the Big Wheezy.

Glad to help out
Big Daddy’s Strip Club opened in New Orleans. In fact, the only three businesses open are two bars and a strip club. Upon hearing that, Pat O’Brien and Bill O’Reilly announced they are moving to New Orleans.

Since you asked:
Check out “Flight of the Conchords” on HBO if you get a chance and get your bizzness socks on. New Zealand’s fourth ranked Folk Rap Fusion Parody Duo. You have to love a band that says they are not even as popular as their own tribute band, Like of the Conchords.

Played harmonica for a tribute band once. They were horrible, but it wasn’t their fault. They made the unfortunate decision to tribute a band that really, really sucked.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Oh, dog, you’re my boy. Or is it, oh boy, you’re my dog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Ahh, sweet memories
It’s the only time of year when it’s great to be a grown up: back to school time. I’ll never forget what that one teacher said to me on the first day of school: “Alex, go back home and put on some pants.”

The memories of the first school days come flooding back this time of year. Recess, study halls, brown bag lunches, passing notes, giving the school bully a carton of Marlboros so he wouldn’t make me his bitch.

Not to worry
In New Orleans a man had to be rescued by the police after he padlocked himself into his house and lost the key. But don’t worry, President Bush turned out to be just fine.

Excess baggage
Britney Spears has put on 51 pounds during her pregnancy, while the average person puts on 28-40 pounds. Experts say Britney will have a big problem getting rid of all of her useless extra weight. Not her fat, she’ll lose that fine. No, Kevin Federline never signed a prenupt.

How did that happen?
It was reported today that Martha Stewart was Donald Trump’s third choice to star in the new version of “The Apprentice.” The first two choices somehow ended up with shiv knife wounds.

Los Angeles is still recovering from yesterday’s blackout. It was a scary time, without electricity drivers weren’t able to tell when to run the yellow lights.

Los Angeles is still recovering from yesterday’s blackout. There was actually looting in Beverley Hills. Well, not exactly looting, but there were reports of people stiffing the Valet attendants.

I’m not sure some of those Beverley Hills kids even understood the blackout. When told he couldn’t play video games or watch TV without electricity, one boy said; “Just great, I guess now I have nothing else to do but to go research my homework on the Internet.”

Proud Mom, Papa and Pup
Model Heidi Klum and Seal had a baby. The baby is healthy, doing fine and should be able to move from mother’s milk to small fish in no time.

Supermodel Heidi Klum and Seal had a baby boy. The baby is doing fine and nursing on Mommy, so, in just one day, that child has officially become the luckiest little bastard on the face of the earth.

Easy, Martha
Martha Stewart launched her new morning show this week and her guest was Elmo from “Sesame Street.” You could tell Martha was a little tense, especially that time Martha pulled her shiv and yelled to Elmo, “Back off, you red plush carpet dork, or I’ll stick you.”

Since you asked:
It is my pleasure to welcome another in a proud and long line of big-shot celebrity readers from Winnetka, Illinois here as a regular reader at a.L.b.B. Yes, give a big A.l.B.b. welcome to none other than my long time good friend Robert “Good Rob” Apatoff.

It was apparent to anyone with any sense at all, and also even to me, that Rob was destined for greatness when he showed up for our eighth grade basketball game clad in a bathrobe and dapperly holding a walking cane, no less. A sense of style like that one can only be born with, excuse my preposition.

But Rob’s charm, good looks, charisma and bright future were apparent to all for eternity when he starred ( or was it stared?) in the title role of the famous independent film by none other than legendary director, Jim “No, not that James Woods” Woods, the great epic “Dirty Apples.”

Welcome, Dirty Apts. Oh, and Cino formal wear called and said something about needing their tux bag back? It didn’t make any sense to me either.

(Polite golf-like applause)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

You cain’t say yes and you cain’t say no, just be right there when the whistle blows, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(From the Rolling Stones “All Down the Line” Possibly the single greatest road trip song)

High and dry
New York City is experiencing a drought. To show you how bad it is, Donald Trump is only allowed to water down his toupee once a week.

New York City is experiencing a drought. To show how dry it is, Donald Trump’s toupee has been declared a fire hazard.

Oldie but a goodie
It’s fashion week in New York City. You can tell, the cab drivers are wearing their Armani turbans.

Michael Jackson wants to make his image more manly and less creepy. Michael plans to pump more weights and less boys.

No way
Los Angeles had a blackout yesterday. It was wild, no TV’s, no video games, no computers. There was even one unverified report of a guy in Los Angeles picking up and reading a book.

Late arrival
Barry Bonds came back in the San Francisco Giants 4-3 over the San Diego Padres after missing nearly all of the season. Bonds was so late to return he was named an honorary head of FEMA.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
It was awkward when President Bush was told that John Roberts told Congress he had no agenda. Bush replied, “That’s fine, I don’t like them hybrid Agenda cars no how.”

When did this happen?
Fox has a new show starring another beautiful woman forensic expert called “Bones.” Between all the hot women in the CSI shows, when did all female crime scene investigators become gorgeous? Are stunning women really saying, “Screw modeling, I want to examine dead people”?

Name game
Pauly Shore is starring in a show on TBS called “Minding the Store.” It’s called that because NBC was already using the name “The Biggest Loser.”

A gamer
President Bush has repeatedly said he won’t play the Blame game. He does, however, like a rousing hand or two of Go Fish.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it II
During his senate hearing, John Roberts repeatedly dodged the abortion case of Roe vs. Wade. It was awkward, when informed that Roberts dodged Roe vs. Wade, President Bush said; “Look, we are doing all we can for those evacuees so they don’t have to row or wade through the water.”

Since you asked:
Yes, I did get snubbed by the NFL draft. True, I was not appointed Pope, for reasons that are still not clear, but, to be candid, now I ain’t so sorry I wasn’t selected for the Supreme Court.

Sure, when I heard you didn’t have to be a lawyer to sit on the highest court, I got a little excited. But then I started envisioning my senate panel grilling. That would have been the shortest senate hearing in history.

Senator Frumpus:
“OK, Mr. Kaseberg, we have some sworn statements here from a Long Beach State dorm roommate, a UC Santa Barbara apartment roommate and, oh, a bunch of former UC Santa Barbara sorority girls not to mention the women you, uh, shall we say “dated” in New York, La Jolla, Chicago and San Diego including two from one memorable weekend in Petoskey, Michigan that ended with the security crew being called to the pool at the Boyne Mountain resort. Plus a rather colorful cavalcade of cocktail waitresses and female bartenders from coast to Las Vegas to coast. And last, but not least, testimony from two Federales from Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.”

“OK, yeah, know what? I’m good. (Getg up and slowly back away) Thanks anyway. On second thought, a job for life doesn’t sound that great. Really. Later daters, Senatators. Heh, heh. Hey, Ted Kennedy, you’re a Mensch, but don’t need a ride, babe. I’ll walk. Just gonna go ahead and adios the dishes along with the ol’ Lex man here.”

(Turn and sprint out of the Senate conference hall)

Monday, September 12, 2005

This just in:

Mike Brown resigned from FEMA. Brown said he wanted to devote more time reacting far too slowly to his family.

Oh, I forgot to tell you:
In all due modesty, I did accomplish one significant feat last weekend: I grilled my best burger ever. Not only best burger I’ve ever grilled, I am certain it is the best burger I’ve ever had.

What is my secret? I treat my hamburgers like they are a cut of steak with special learning needs. Just because a hamburger doesn’t score as well on aptitude tests as a Filet, Strip, ribeye, doesn’t mean we don’t treat it just as well. Garlic powder, fresh pepper, olive oil drizzle, kosher salt and grill high, and make cross marks.

The fact that I put great Tallamouk cheddar cheese on them, bacon, avocado, pickles, lettuce tomatoes, gilled onions, mayo and ketchup doesn’t hurt their cause either. And don’t forget to smoosh down the toasted bun. Knocks all the flavors together.
Oh, I see, you want me to bring it? Well, consider it brought, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Drastic times call for drastic measures
Hurricane Ophelia is creeping back to the east coast. To give you an idea how serious it is: if Ophelia gets any closer, President Bush will have to go back on vacation.

Or something like that
FEMA head Mike Brown has been sent back to Washington. It looks like FEMA is going to stand for Fire Everyone’s Miserable Ass.

Not nice
The demoted head of FEMA, Mike Brown resigned. I thought it was kind of cruel how they told him. President Bush sent him a memo that said; “If you’re Brown, don’t stick around.”

Fast Times at Canton High
At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant. If a guy there can’t get a date to that prom, he really is a loser.

At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant. You know what they call a virgin at that high school? Ugly.

Roger's big weekend
Roger Federer defeated Andre Agassi to win the US Open in tennis. It was a big weekend for Federer, he also won the “If Quinten Tarantino was on steroids” look-alike contest.

Doesn’t mean much
After taking over for FEMA, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said; "Michael Brown has done everything he possibly could.” Yeah? Well my dog Wrigley also did everything he possibly could, but it turns out that wasn’t very much either.

Part of a theme
President Bush is headed back to New Orleans for his third visit; it’s all part of his “Keep the press off of Iraq” tour.

What could they do?
An MSNBC news report showed two female New Orleans police officers leisurely looting a shopping cart full of shoes from Wal Mart. Sure, they were violating their sworn duty as police officers, but if they passed on a great shoe deal they’d be violating their sworn duty as women.

My boy, Johnny
In an emotional win, the New Orleans Saints beat the Carolina Panthers with a last second 48 yard field goal by John Carney. The folks in New Orleans were almost as happy to see that ball travel through the uprights as they were to see FEMA head Mike Brown travel back to Washington.

Since you asked:
As my 85 month old daughter, (7 years, one month and nine days) Ann Caroline sat happily chomping on her waffles this morning, my wife, Virginia, mentioned a wedding we were planning to attend saying we should respond soon. Ann Caroline then piped in:

“Yes, it’s very important to R.S.P. P.”

Kasey and Wrigley update:

For some reason, our crazy houndoggy-looking Labrador with no sense, Wrigley, has turned into a master fetcher. Poor ol’ Kasey hardly stands a chance anymore although, from time to time, Wrigley will throw her a bone, so-to-speak.

Wrigley has also turned into a serial butt-getting-scratched dog. He doesn’t take no for an answer. He will push is big-ol-jowly snout and head under your hand and then walk forward until your hand reaches his butt. Then he arches his head up in a “Well? I’m waiting” stance.

Kasey, the worried-look-of-concerned honey bear is a shameless serial get-her-tummy-rubbed dog. Kasey will do that “Oh, aren’t I cute? Please pet me” grovel but after a split second of head or ear petting, she flops over onto her stomach for a tummy rub. It is the dog version of bait and switch.

How did my Fantasy team do?

Thanks for asking. My boys dead-solid went OFF. My QB Drew “Cool” Brees had a solid game, my receiver Jimmy Smith “and Wesson” went nuts, both running backs, “Orange” Julius Jones and “Whatchyoutalkinbout?” Willis McGahee had good solid games and my kicker, my Frogs-in-Solana-Beach old workout buddy, John “Chili Con” Carney, was a total hero.

Not to get greedy, but at the last minute I started Jerry “Pullman” Porter instead of Keenan “Ivory Wayans” McCardell. Would have had 19 more points. As it was I had 84. Hell, thanks to Keenan, my bench scored 34 and I had two guys, Antonio “Heaven’s” Gates and Armani “It’s not a” Toomer who didn’t play. Check that. Toomer played, he didn’t get a ball.

Next week do I go with McCardell over Gates? Ouch.