What News Anchors Do During Commercial Breaks w/sound

Awesome

Substantive note, we'll try and incorporate it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Happy 62nd Birthday to the pretty Kirstie Alley, she looks great and she is 62. Wait, sorry, she is 61, her dress size is 62. Oh, we kid the wonderful Kirstie

A Seattle, Wash. man has been ordered by the FDA to stop selling his semen online after fathering over 14 children. He is going to make a movie about this though. I think the name is “Moneyballs.”

Ron Paul is excited by his strong showing in New Hampshire. I guess the support of the prostitutes from the Nevada Bunny Ranch paid off. The hookers really gave Paul’s campaign the firm and hard thrust it needed to come from behind.

Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Is it just me or does Mitt look like a guy who spends a lot of time polishing his golf clubs?

A guy steals a stuffed monkey from a convenience store and then whacks the stuffed monkey in the face of the policeman arresting him. Here’s the wildest part: this didn’t occur in Florida, it was Iowa.


Since you asked:

There is a new sheriff in town. A new puppy in our neighborhood named Wagner. He is a mostly Australian shepherd mutt and very cute. But I was struck because, as we have always done, we call him Wagner the dog. (I’ll post a picture of Wagner later)

What struck me about this is Wagner the dog is how we, as diehard dog lovers, think of him. He is Wagner who happens to be a dog. Like we call Wrigley, Wrigley the dog. It is a designation like a job, Sam the butcher, or Joe the plumber. Flo the Progressive Insurance Lady.

Not that we think of dogs as people, we don’t. Dogs are dogs. They can’t talk, they have little manual dexterity, they don’t do well on academic tests. Like a person on too much Nyquil, they can’t drive or operate heavy machinery.

Unlike people, Wagner the dog - like Wrigley the dog - has endless unqualified love, craves affection above water and food, is loyal, honest, kind and doesn’t have an angry, mean or dishonest bone in his body.

Non-dog lovers would see him as a dog who somebody happened to name Wagner.

To us? He's Wagner the dog.

A really tricky Dick.

A new book alleges that President Richard Nixon was gay. Have you seen a picture of Nixon? He doesn’t look gay. Now Abraham Lincoln? Cool chin beard? Funky top hat? Name is Abraham? Dying to go to the theater?

A Wisconsin man was arrested for drug possession and his legal name is Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop Bop-bop. Gosh, I wonder what made them think he was on drugs?

“The Advocate” ranked the gayest cities and Salt Lake City was #1. To which Sausalito, CA said; “Seriously? We have hardware stores gayer than Salt Lake City.”

“To which Laguna Beach, CA said; “Seriously? We have shops that provide tea services while you pick out outfits for your cats.”

A book alleges President Richard Nixon was gay because of his lifetime close relationship with a flamboyant financier, Charles “Bebe” Rebozo. Rebozo and Nixon shared a love of sipping smart cocktails while sunbathing and singing Broadway show tunes. Hello? Case closed.

A new book alleges that President Richard Nixon was gay. Have you seen Nixon? I don’t think he was gay. Now that Zachary Taylor? Wow, what a screaming flamer.

A 22-year-old Australian woman survived a 360 foot fall into an alligator-infested South African river when her bungee cord snapped. She suffered just minor scrapes and bruises. See what Jesus can do when he isn’t helping Tim Tebow win?

Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” she will have a procedure that will take her genitalia and have it formed into the shape of a penis. Thus giving her what’s called a Bruce Jenner.

A 22-year-old Australian woman survived a 360 foot fall into an alligator-infested South African river when her bungee cord snapped. She suffered just minor scrapes and bruises. You know how experts say is the best way to make sure your bungee cord doesn’t break? Don’t bungee jump.

“The Advocate” named to top gay-friendly cities and Salt Lake City, Utah was #1. Not surprisingly, Santorum, OK did not make the list.

Surfing Blacks Beach on Big Friday 2012

Just North of my spot at Scripps and South of my spot at Torrey Pines. But I would never go out on a day that big.

Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” he is saving up $45,000 for an operation that will attach a penis. The hardest part about this procedure? Finding a donor.

A man in Iran had a tattoo on his penis that caused him to have a permanent erection; upon hearing this, Chaz Bono said; “I want that penis.”


Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” he is saving up $45,000 for an operation that will attach a penis to him. It is a complicated procedure whose medical term is: “From Who-ha to Hang-down.”

After the caucus, the entire state of Iowa has to feel as abandoned, cheap and used as the girl who had sex with the clown before the circus leaves town.

Scientists have discovered a new type of crab they call “The Hof” because they have hairy chests like, David Hasselhof, the former “Baywatch” star. And because they are fall-down alcoholics.

Yeah, I was disappointed too, but don’t worry, they will name the next type of crabs after Snooki, for obvious reasons.

Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” he’s saving $45,000 for a penis attachment operation. Before Chaz can get a penis, he’ll have to go through counseling: how to brag about his fantasy football team, never ask directions, how to properly scratch himself watching TV.

A Washington state man was issued a ticket for driving in the carpool lane with a skeleton. You can’t drive on the highway with a skeleton. Bad news for the Olsen twins.

Since you asked:

Barring the obvious and unlikely nightmares of being buried alive, kidnapped and tortured, or dying in a slow and awful industrial acid accident, or being ripped apart by wild animals, the worst fate I can imagine is being lectured on life insurance in a shabby industrial park office somewhere in smoggy and soulless Bellflower, California.

That is a one on a scale of one-two-ten with making zero-gravity love in the space station, or surfing a perfect wave in Tahiti, or riding a galloping mustang through a Colorado canyon as a ten.

Stuck in traffic? A two or three.

The idea is to push day-to-day from a five - writing an e-mail memo in a cubicle - to a seven or eight - grilling a steak at Sunset while listening to the Rolling Stones with a good game on - to the occasional nine - catching a great wave at La Jolla Shores or watching my daughter kick ass at soccer or track.

And then there is the pleasure of knowing that there are the few and awesome tens waiting - snowboarding on powder through the Canadian Rockies, jumping a wave in Maui and having the then-baby Ann Caroline sleeping on my chest - out there yet to happen.

When you see someone who is snotty, remember that dolphins, dogs and children live at constant eight or nine.

What we got us is an imbroglio wrapped in a kerfuffle, smothered in a dusted-up brouhaha with a ton of ruckus thrown in the throw-down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” he is saving up to have a penis attached. The medical term is an addadicktome. Or the “Who-ha to Hang-down” conversion.

A Hungarian study claims dogs can read faces to determine people’s emotions. Well, except for Bruce Jenner, Nancy Pelosi and Joan Rivers.

The film company, Kodak, may declare bankruptcy. When I heard this I was so shocked, I almost dropped my beeper.

Aikman

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