Dish Nation claims Charlie Sheen is considering buying the Playboy Mansion complete with resident Hugh Hefner. They are thinking of making a TV Show: “CSI: STD.” 

Since you asked:

This campaign remind me of a drunken wild west saloon shootout where everybody is just shooting everybody in the foot. In the end, the only one left standing will be Mister Magoo, Bernie Sanders. But nobody wants Mister Magoo to be president, so someone will have to ride on on a white horse. 

Will that white horse democrat be Joe Biden or Andrew Cuomo? Will the republican white horse be Mitt Romney or Paul Ryan? 


Not being a cat person due to deathly allergies, one of the things I have learned from being on Facebook is cat owners really do love their cats. A lot.  Like how us dog owners love our dogs.

Unlike dogs, still not sold on how much cats love their owners. 

You are a down cat and I dig that about you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today I saw a really hard online math test and the first question was so easy: 

“Can you solve these difficult equations?” 

No.

At CNN’s Town Hall meeting, Jeb Bush declared marijuana causes brain damage. He does have some solid evidence: his brother, George W. Bush. 

Did you see Ted Cruz singing Stevie Wonder’s “I just Called To Say I Love You”? It was so white it was nominated for an Oscar.

Stevie Wonder just called to say; “I’m puking my guts out.” 

Authorities are calling a helicopter that fell in the water at Pearl Harbor a “hard landing.” That’s like calling a date with Bill Cosby a pill-enhanced massage.

Are we so politically correct we can’t call a helicopter falling into a harbor a crash? How about calling it a gravity induced aquatic initiation episode? 

Squeeze - Black Coffee In Bed

Squeeze - Tempted

There is a group of Nevada prostitutes who call themselves “Hookers for Hillary.” Now I know this sounds shady, but don’t worry, Bill Clinton checked them out and gave them two-cigars up.

Wally's default expression is the surprise of an Oxford English professor who suddenly realizes his fly is open

Forgiveness, hope and kindness, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Scientists now have DNA proof humans and Neanderthals mated 50,000 years before we thought. The report is called: The Kardashian Effect. 

In a backstage rant on “Saturday Night Live”, Kanye West called Taylor Swift a “Fake Ass.” But make no mistake, Kanye is not a Fake Hole.

Scientists say global warming will cause an increase in diarrhea world wide. So go ahead and eat at Taco Bell. You might as well. 

Scientists now have DNA proof humans and Neanderthals mated 50,000 years before we thought. The report is called: The Trump Effect. 

Donald Trump called Pope Francis “Disgraceful.” You’d think Trump and the Pope would get along, one serves god, the other thinks he’s god and they both wear a big, funky thing on their head. 

At a rally in Reno, Hillary Clinton barked like a dog. Not surprised, she is still dogged by her emails she is trying to bury and Bill is humping everything in sight. 

Donald Trump has slipped behind Ted Cruz in the latest polls. As a result, Trump has vowed to build a wall between those polls. 

Scientists say global warming will cause an increase in diarrhea world wide. So, joggers, it will be too hot to go for runs, but you’ll still get the runs. 

A Florida couple has finally come forward to collect their share of the $1.58 bill. lottery. They did not say if they were taking it one lump sum or will have it distributed to casinos, drug dealers, tattoo parlors, car dealerships, liquor stores and prostitutes on a monthly basis.

The Ted Cruz campaign pulled a commercial because it featured a female porn star. They were hoping she would give the commercial a happy ending.

Since you asked:

Khloe Kardashian is my favorite Kardashian sister, which is to say hiccups is my favorite kind of illness. 

A funny daughter of my friend saw Khloe in an airport and reported Khloe could not have been nicer. It pains me to report another friend said the same thing about Paris Hilton in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. 

Before and after Jay Leno absolutely crushed it on “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon,” not once, but twice ( he did a guest spot for a missing Snoop Dog after he killed on the monologue) they played a game of “Password”. 

For Password, Jimmy Fallon was teamed with Jennifer Lopez and Khloe Kardashian was with Quest Love. 

Let me preface this with, while I think Khloe is the nicest Kardashian sister, I do not think she is smart, so I was not expecting much. 

How bad and stupid was Khloe during the game of Password? If I had a choice between choosing Khloe as a partner or my dog, Wally, I would pick Wally each time. With Wally our chances of winning are the same, but he is not nearly as annoying. 

For the password, Rod, Khloe tried to say Stewart, but her Valley Girl accent was so thick nobody could figure out what she was saying, especially Quest Love. "Start? Stork? Stew Art"?  

Kanye West is furious at Kylie Jenner because she signed a huge shoe deal with Puma that conflicts with his deal with Adidas. To find out more go to Rich-Douche-Bag-Problems.com. 

Scientists have discovered a 50,000 year old neanderthal woman had the DNA to prove she was the first to have sex with a human. Asked to comment, Larry King said; “I called her Nan the Neanderthal.” 

Kylie Jenner has signed an extremely lucrative deal with Puma. Her father, Caitlyn, when she was Bruce Jenner, Bruce never had an athletic shoe deal, but why would he? He only won an Olympic gold medal in the Decathlon and the title World’s Greatest Athlete.

US airstrikes in Iran and Syria have destroyed an estimated $500 million dollars of ISIS’s money. ISIS will now be attacking in Uber cars. 

Asked to comment, a spokesperson for ISIS said; "We don't care about money because we trust in . . . $500 million? Oh my, that is being a lot of damn camel food."

Talented celebrities seem to be dying a lot. Now is a good time to be a Kardashian. 

Greeting crowds in Mexico, Pope Francis displayed rare anger at someone incessantly pulling on his sleeve. Afterwards, the Pope called Donald Trump; “Tell me about this wall again?” 

Nike is considering dropping boxer, Manny Pacquiao, after his “Gays are animals” comment. If Manny wants to keep Nike, like Ben Roethlisburger, Greg Hardy and Kobe Bryant, he’ll have to sexually assault a woman.  

Happy 53’rd Birthday to Michael Jordan. Did you know what Jordan’s major was at North Carolina? Geology. Well, sure, he had to learn how to dish that rock. 

The sitcom “Full House,” is back. “Wow, what tremendous news,” said the year 1990. 

Not sure bringing back "Full House" will work. Things are so different than 1990. Madonna is on tour, Sly Stallone is in a new “Rocky” movie and a Bush and a Clinton are vying for the presidency. 

Wild twist on “The Walking Dead.” They mistakenly killed what they thought was a pack of soulless zombies. Turns out it was a Kardashian family reunion. 

Bernie Sanders is looking for a Grammy winner endorsement. So which sounds better? Taylor Swift with Sanders? Or The Weeknd with Bernie? 

Former UN Secretary, Boutros Boutros Ghali, passed at 93. The cause of death?  An excessive Boutros. 

At a rally in Reno, Hillary Clinton barked to the crowd. In a surprise, Hillary’s speech finished third at the Westminster Dog Show. 

Sadly, Former UN Secretary, Boutros Boutros Ghali, passed at 93. No truth to the rumor he will be interned in Walla Walla, Washington. 

At a rally in Reno, Hillary Clinton barked like a dog. A proud Bill Clinton smirked; “Guess who taught her how to do that?” 

  

ESPN revealed NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, made $34 mil. in 2014. Maybe he can lend money to Kanye West? 

 Roger Goodell, made $34 mil. in 2014 but most cheerleaders made minimum wage or nothing. Who do you think most fans would rather see at a game, Roger Goodell or cheerleaders? 

A British man ate at all 46 London McDonald's restaurants in a single day. Those Brits aren’t exactly breaking the Nazi’s Enigma code these days, are they?

Since you asked:

Just had a memory from the late ’80’s about this yuppie power couple who had the most expensive house, cars and clothes of anyone we knew. And at the end of every month, they were dead flat broke. Combing-the-couch-for-coins broke.

They would invite people out to dinner and then magically wander off when the check arrived. Or they had both forgotten their wallets. Again. They did this to me more times than I want to admit. 

One time, at the end of the month, they invited me over for a barbecue and, when I asked what I could bring, with a straight face they said: chicken, salad fixings, corn, baked beans, potato chips and beer. “Anything else?” I asked sarcastically. “Oh, yeah, we need charcoal for the barbecue.” 

They were absolutely furious when I never showed.

One year they talked his company into letting them have the company Christmas party at their beautiful hillside Encinitas (which they insisted was Rancho Santa Fe) ranch house. 

The company was a San Diego branch of a big time national financial company, so the Christmas budget for the party was huge. Great Gatsby huge. Everyone assumed it would be a lavishly catered six-course dinner party with a band.

When everyone showed up all dressed up, the yuppie power couple had generously displayed not one type of cracker, but two, Ritz and Saltine.  And not one choice of cheese, but two, slices of jack and cheddar cheese neatly presented on plastic treys. Oh, and a really fancy guacamole dip. With chips, no less. 

As for drinks, well, that was another story. They had enough cans of Lite beer in styrofoam coolers for everyone to have one or maybe even two rounds. There were even two expensive bottles of chilled chardonnay. She drank lots of chardonnay. In fact, she drank those two bottles.

The party was over in one hour. 

They used the vast bulk of the Christmas party money to stock their groceries and liquor cabinets. How do I know? They showed me when they invited me over for their three-couple dinner party on New Year's Eve. They weren't ashamed, in fact, they were proud.

The New Year's Eve dinner party was, of course, catered. 

Were these two power yuppies really that awful? You have to consider the era. Sure, they were both great looking. They could be charming when they wanted something. In their defense, they were not Hitler S.S. awful. 

However, I am almost certain nobody in Hitler's S.S. ever ripped off the Christmas party money from their co-workers.

They would have been shot.  

“TMZ” reports Kanye West attended a magic show in New York and was impressed by a card trick. It was his favorite trick since Amber Rose made her fingers disappear in his butt. 

ESPN revealed NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, made $34 mil. in 2014. 

“Dear NFL Owners: 

I think I just figured out a way to save you $34 Mil. a year. 

Call me, we'll do lunch.

Signed, 

Tom Brady.” 

At the Grammys, Adele’s mic went out during her performance of “All I Ask.” And now the Grammy sound engineer is singing “Hello” to the unemployment line.

Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over

This song is stuck in my head and it is a double-whammy because it was the favorite song of one of the biggest schmucks I have ever known, The Big Weenie.  No, really, that was his nickname. 

Bruno Mars and Cicely Strong separated at birth?

In Mass., a morbidly obese 51-year-old man is suing Golden Corral for $2 mil. for kicking him out of an all-you-can-eat buffet after he ate 60 pounds of food. As a result of this story, ISIS has received applications from over 500 people.

Shaka to the geevum-brah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is unseasonably warm today in California.  I’m sweating like Kanye West waiting for a billion dollars from Mark Zuckerberg. 

Last night was the republican debate. The good news is Dr. Ben Carson made it to his podium without getting lost.

Australian authorities found almost a billion dollars of liquid meth inside bra gel implants. The good news is they stopped the drugs. The bad news is it will leave a lot of women feeling flat. 

After the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning vowed to drink a lot of beer and paparazzi have now spotted him in Mexico. The last time I drank a lot of beer and ended up in Mexico, I got a tattoo with my mother’s name misspelled. 

Swimsuit model Ashley Graham is the first plus-sized model to be on the cover of “Sports Illustrated.” If you don’t count Charles Barkley.

“The Walking Dead”  has the scariest, growling, non-stop-eating zombies ever. If they were texting they could be my teenage daughter. 

“Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue will have a virtual reality feature. Virtual reality has to be the best euphemism for masturbation ever. 

Kanye West tweeted he needs one billion dollars from Mark Zuckerberg claiming: “All you guys had meetings with me and no one lifted a finger to help.” And Amber Rose told us how much Kanye likes it when someone lifts a finger to help him.

The season premiere of “Survivor” is billed as the toughest test yet. They say it is scarier than a Valentine’s Day dinner with Bill Cosby. 

“The Walking Dead” had a wild twist. I feel sorry for actors who try out for a zombie and do not get called back. That has to hurt. 

“I’m sorry, you’re just not right.” 

“Not right? Not right to play a dead guy?” 

“TMZ” paid $100,000 for the Ray Rice fiancé-punching elevator video. $100,000 for one punch. It’s like paying for the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight all over again. 

Cam Newton has had a bad month. In addition to a sub-par Super Bowl, on the field and off, now someone leaked an unflattering picture of his fiancé, Kia, when she was a D.C. stripper named Hazel. How unflattering? Cam wouldn’t dare fall on that fumble either.  

The season premiere of “Survivor” is billed as the toughest test yet. They say it is scarier than a Valentine’s Day dinner with Bill Cosby.