It whatever you gotta do to get on through, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It is hot. Man, I was sweating like Tom Delay’s campaign treasurer.

What about ironic crime?
The justice department reports the serious crime is down 57%. However sarcastic crime is only up like about a billion percent, duh.

“Uh, no sir, that’s not, oh forget it”
The brush fires continue outside Los Angeles. Again, I don’t think President Bush understands. When informed about the conflagration near Los Angeles, Bush said; “That’s why I want to stamp out pornography, to stop that conflagration.”

Mean
German scientists claim having sex makes you more intelligent. Can you imagine how stupid Paris Hilton would be if sex didn’t make her smarter?

German scientists claim having sex makes you more intelligent. Or something like that, I was too busy developing a cure for cancer to read the whole study.

German scientists claim having sex makes you more intelligent. In a related story, poor Laura Bush must be one lonely and frustrated woman.

Mmmmm
Burger King has launched a breakfast sandwich with eggs, sausage, bacon and ham called Meat’normus. Apparently it is stroke’licious.

Caught a break there
Scientists report our polar caps are melting at an alarming rate. Devastating hurricanes, raging brush fires, melting polar caps. Good thing the White House says we don’t have global warming or we would be in big trouble.

One or the other
President Bush has asked people to stay home and not drive anywhere to conserve gas. Bush has to make up his mind, we can either stay home all day or we can cut down on pornography, we can’t do both.

Sad truth
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are reportedly getting $6 million in various endorsement deals for their baby. Sixteen days old and the baby already has a job and has earned more then his dad ever will.

Enough is enough
Donald Trump and his wife are expecting a baby. Is that what we really need, something else with Trump’s name on it?


Low numbers
The rating for “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” are not a good thing. To show how bad it is, Martha used to have more people watch her in the shower at prison.

Getting dogged
Lance Armstrong’s yellow Labrador, Rex, had to have heart surgery but is doing fine. Lance used to have a French Poodle but it didn’t work, the French Poodle kept booing Lance and accusing him of cheating.

One giant step for gorilla kind
In a landmark breakthrough, scientists observed a gorilla using a stick to measure how deep a river was before proceeding. Do you realize what this means? A gorilla could replace FEMA head Mike Brown.

Good news, bad news
San Diego Chargers running back LaDanian Tomlinson became the second player to throw a touchdown, catch five passes, rush for over 100 yards, and score at least three touchdowns. The first? Frank Gifford. The bad news for LT? Now he has to marry a phony hammy cornball woman who yammers incessantly about their children Cody and Cassidy on national TV.

Oh, he a dawg, playa Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Get it?
Senator Tom Delay has been indicted by a Texas Grand Jury on a count of criminal conspiracy. If convicted he could prove to be the worst Delay in Washington since hurricane Katrina.

Or something like that
The Supreme Court has agreed to hear Anna Nicole Smith’s case to get $470 million of her late 90-year-old husband’s estate. The question is whether Anna was only a gold digger or if they actually consummated their marriage. It will be known as ‘Ho v. Laid.

Good idea
New York City Mayor Bloomberg wants to build 20 new public pay toilets. Pay toilets? That’s all New York needs: another excuse for people to pee in the subway.

Imagine?
The Atlanta Braves clinched their 14th straight division win. To show how things were different 14 years ago, we had troops in Iraq and the Rolling Stones were on tour and we had a President named Bush.


Amazing
In health news, German scientists claim having sex can make you more intelligent. In a related story, Paris Hilton just discovered the cure for the common cold.

Or

German scientists claim having sex can make you more intelligent. However, I can give you two words why that’s not the case: Paris and Hilton.



That was his gig
John Kerry said that he was never sure where John Roberts stood on the issues so he is not voting for him. Not because he doesn’t think Roberts is qualified, Kerry is mad at Roberts for stealing his campaign strategy.

Paris again
“Women’s Health” magazine reports that women take 27 minutes to have an orgasm. When asked to comment, Paris Hilton said, “Let’s see, you have to drive to the jewelry store, park and then buy the diamonds, yeah, that’s about right.”


Bad news, good news
At a war protest, Cindy Sheehan was arrested for sitting down and refusing to move. On the bright side, they’ve found the new head of FEMA.

Who knew?
In an interview with “Time” magazine, Neil Young, an accomplished guitar player, said he had had only one or two guitar lessons in his life. That’s amazing. Now, one or two singing lessons, that I could believe.

Deep Thoughts
A while back I said we had a new member of the family? Squishy the caterpillar. Well, Squishy –named by Ann Caroline - was soon joined by Roger, the second caterpillar. Virg bought a little caterpillar cage, sort of a fine mesh and clear plastic hat box and I kept it full of the fresh branches and leaves from the tree we took them from.

But alas, Squishy began to do that crazy-polar-bear-at-the-Bronx-zoo thing going in circles and endless circles. Then Squishy’s color got a little, well, squidgy. Well, sad to report that Squishy didn’t make it and soon Roger followed his behavior exactly and he also turned black and shriveled up.

Ann Caroline took it in stride, but I can’t figure out why they didn’t make it. Today, coming back from a run, I saw the first little butterfly that must have come from the same hatched graduating class of Squishy and Roger.

Who would have ever thought the sight of such a beautiful, small butterfly could make someone sad?

Ohhhhh, myyyyyyyyy.

(Polite golf-like applause)

It looks like it all in for this here playa, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


What we need right when we need it
President Bush has asked the FBI to recruit an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. For now the FBI stands for Finding Boobies on Internet.

President Bush has asked the FBI to recruit an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. Is this really our biggest problem right now? Personally, I think we should be sending porn to the insurgents in Iraq, maybe they wouldn’t so pissed off all the time.


President Bush has asked the FBI to recruit an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. Apparently the FBI agents are eager to help fight porn and are looking forward to working extremely hard.

At least there won’t be any casualties in the war against pornography, well, if you don’t count elbow tendonitis.



That explains it
According to “Women’s Health” magazine, 10:34 on a Saturday night is when the most women will have an orgasm. Unfortunately for men, this explains that mysterious electrical power outage at 10:34 on Saturday nights.

Back to the porn patrol
President Bush has asked the FBI to form an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. All of the prisoner of the war against pornography will be sent to Camp Triple X Ray.

Rhymes with clown
The former FEMA head, Mike Brown blamed the slow relief response on the mayor of New Orleans and the Governor of Louisiana. Apparently FEMA stands for Fry Everybody’s My Aim.

Forgot one thing
Surgeons in Cleveland performed the world’s first face transplant. They didn’t think this through, however. After they performed the face transplant, they gave the patient the bill and he said; “What are you talking about? That’s not me. I’m not paying that guy’s bill.”

Scorn on Porn
President Bush has asked the FBI to recruit an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. The good news? At least in his war against pornography, Bush an exit strategy.

Today, Pee Wee Herman officially declared himself an insurgent against the war on pornography.

Punked
Ashton Kucher, 27, and Demi Moore, 42, got married. Not to brag, but I gave Demi and Ashton a thoughtful wedding present: A Game Boy that turns on with a clapper.

There is a slight age gap. When Demi was taking her clothes off for “Striptease” Ashton was just putting on big boy underpants.

What a weasel
Rafael Palmeiro said that a vitamin B-12 shot teammate Miguel Tejada offered him might be the reason he tested positive for steroids. Let’s review, Palmeiro scolded Congress saying he never took steroids then tested positive for steroids and now he is blaming it on a teammate. At this point even OJ Simpson is saying; “Take some responsibility, Rafael. Stand up and be a man.”

“No officer, I am not driving drunk, but I think a teammate may have injected a Vodka martini into my butt.”

That explains it
The former FEMA head, Mike Brown blamed the slow relief response on the mayor of New Orleans and the Governor of Louisiana and, oddly, Brown also blamed a teammate who gave him a vitamin B12 injection in the butt.

We don’t care
75-year-old George Steinbrenner told ESPN he has the body of a 55-year-old. Unfortunately, it’s the stuffed body of a former 55-year old executive who delivered Steinbrenner some bad news.

75-year-old George Steinbrenner told ESPN he has the body of a 55-year-old. Just when I thought I couldn’t dislike Steinbrenner any more, the man makes me imagine what his body looks like.

Poor taste joke of the day
In sad news, “Get Smart” Don Adams passed away. Doctors tried to save him but, unfortunately, they missed it by that much.


Not a good look
When President Bush declared victory in Iraq, he dressed as a fighter pilot and spoke on the deck of an aircraft carrier. What happens when Bush declares victory on the war against porn? Is he going to dress as a pizza delivery boy and speak on the pool deck at a house in Encino, CA?

Can you give a brother a big-ass break one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Face off
Surgeons in Cleveland performed the world’s first face transplant. The face transplant was a total success or my name isn’t Larry King.

Eerily Familiar
In “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” Martha’s firing catch phrase is “You just don’t fit. Goodbye” You just don’t fit. Goodbye? Isn’t that how Pamela Anderson broke up with Tommy Lee?

Not nice
In health news, in Anchorage zoo keepers are installing a seven ton treadmill so the elephants can exercise and lose weight. It’s called: Project Kirstie Alley.

Get the drum kit handy
The FBI is recruiting an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. One thing we know, the FBI is serious about this war on pornography, this isn’t a knee jerk reaction.

The FBI is recruiting an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. What started this war? The money shot heard ‘round the world.

The FBI is recruiting an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. Who is going to lead a war against pornography? Why, a rear admiral, of course.

The FBI is recruiting an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. Yeah, apparently we have won the war against terrorism and nobody told us.

The FBI is recruiting an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. How do you fight a war against pornography? You point your rifle and yell; “Come on out with your pants and your hands up.”

That time of year
You can really tell its Fall. Early in the morning the frost is beginning to form on Kate Moss’s nostrils.

Again, close shave
Gillette has a new razor that has five blades. Does anyone really need five blades? I mean besides Robin Williams.

Yuck
In an interview a while ago, Billy Bob Thornton said that having sex with Angelina Jolie was like having sex with the couch. At which point, the interviewer then asked for a towel to sit on.

Process of total elimination
Paris Hilton’s wedding has been called off. I heard it’s because the groom didn’t want to invite anyone to the wedding who had ever dated Paris and so, well, he couldn’t invite anybody.

We kid the Demi and the Kuch-man
Ashton Kucher, 27, and Demi Moore, 42, got married. The couple wrote their own vows. Well, Demi wrote her own vows, Ashton wrote his own vowels.

Ashton Kucher, 27, and Demi Moore, 42, got married. It was an interesting service, Ashton Kucker served as both the groom and the page boy.

Name game
The New York’s Tiki Barber had an off game with just 60 rushing yards in Giants 45-23 loss last night to the San Diego Chargers. Despite his low production, Barber continues to be, without question, the greatest athlete ever named Tiki.


A few days ago, we here at a.L.B.B. featured a new item called;

Used to be great, but now sucks

i.e. Michael Jackson.

Now we would like to turn that frown upside down and synergize the existing paradigm with a more proactive dynamic and take the opportunity to think outside the box in a positive result- driven goal-oriented issue based prototype. (I just won in my own game of Bullsh*t Bingo)

All of the good people here at a.l.b.B. would like to present a new feature we call:

Used to suck, but now is great

Computers

Cell Phones (Not the users, they suck worse than ever)

Carmen Electra

Bob Dole

Rudolph Guliani

Running Shoes

CD Selection

DVD Selection

TV Recording Devices

Rolling Stones Concerts

The Internet

Beach Sandals

Martinis

Fish Tacos

Cheap Sun Glasses

Digital Watches

Digital Everything

“Saturday Night Live” Weekend Update

Sweat proof Sun Tan Lotion

Ice Tea, both the beverage as well as the rapper/actor.

“Late Night with Conan O’Brien”

The Ability of Young Men to Dance Well

Harley Davidson Motorcycles

Plastic Storage Bags

The Quality of Salt, Pepper, Mustard, Olive Oil

Mexican Food East of the Mississippi

Music in Commercials (This is a function of getting older)

Italian and Chinese Food West of the Mississippi

Workout Gyms, specifically in Hotels

In-Room Hotel Movie Selections (No, I don’t mean those movies, you sicko)

Mountain Bikes

Windsurfing Gear

Grills and grilling, both equipment and the quality of the cooking, personally and in general.

Disposable Razors

Herbal Remedies

Men’s Colognes

Workout Apparel, Especially Nike’s.

Shaved Heads

John Travolta

Tattoos

Golf Balls, golf clubs and all golf related materials

Artificial grass playing surfaces