Wednesday, November 13, 2002

Oh, I see how you are now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Remember the married detective show “Hart to Hart?” Steve Martin is producing a gay version with an interior design male couple who solve crimes. Instead of “Hart to Hart” I think it’s called “Cheek to Cheek.”

Now, after a defiant stance, Iraq says they will comply with the U.N. resolution. Can you believe how quickly they switched their minds? Who is Iraq consulting, Anne Heche? Iraq was told to comply with the U.N. resolution or face serious consequences. Iraq scoffed until the found out exactly how serious those consequences were: we were going to force them to watch Madonna’s movie “Swept Away.” They caved instantly. But seriously, you know what the serious consequences were? We threatened Saddam Hussein with marriage to Anna Nicole Smith.

The movie “Eight Mile” with Eminem made 54 million dollars. Shows you what I know, when I heard Eminem made a movie, I thought it was those talking M&M candy guys with the gloves.

Ellis Island closed its doors this week in 1954. That also marks the last time an immigrant came into the country legally. Back then, to come to the United States you had to have conviction, passion and an unyielding desire for freedom. Now all you need is a air freshener to hang in your cab.

Without Shaq, the Los Angeles Lakers are 2-6 and have lost four in a row. To give you an idea how bad it is, the only person who had a worse week than Kobe Bryant was Ralphy from “The Sopranos.”

Did you see the most recent episode of “The Sopranos”? I don’t want to give it away, but one of the main characters does a great imitation of a veal cutlet. Let’s just say it brings added meaning to the term whacking someone. Things have changed drastically in the Mafia from the “The Godfather” to “The Sopranos.” The first rule, you now have to be nicer to horses or else.

Felipe Alou was hired to manage the National League champion San Francisco Giants. Today they broke the really good news and the really bad news of managing the Giants to Alou. The good news? The Giants have Barry Bonds. The bad news? The Giants have Barry Bonds.

U.S. officials believe a new audiotape attributed to Osama bin Laden is probably authentic. It’s hard to tell because the sound is tinny and the voice is really weak. So it’s either Osama bin Laden or John Tesh’s new Christmas album.

A while ago, an Indiana man was arrested in a hotel room for having sex with a chicken. Police became suspicious when he checked into the hotel as Colonel and Mrs. Sanders. Sex with a chicken? Now that is twisted. I wonder if his clucked a lot too? That's me, always taking the high road, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Check it out, funk soul Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Iraq's parliament snubbed the United Nations by voting unanimously against cooperating with a Security Council resolution on disarming Baghdad. In terms of actual importance, the Iraqi parliament ranks somewhere between Madonna’s acting coach and Al Gore’s publicist.

The trial of Princess Diana’s butler just keeps getting uglier and uglier. There are allegations of a sex scandal, lies, stealing and a cover-up. This thing is just one or two cigars away from being the Clinton administration.

Three former fraternity brothers were accused of manipulating a bet that paid $3 million at the Breeders' Cup last month. Authorities became suspicious when they started saluting each other with finger flicks to the nose while Ragtime music playing in the background.

After seemingly endless rumors, Jennifer Lopez is engaged to Ben Affleck. They plan on a small wedding. J. Lo and Ben will exchange wedding vows as the wedding party and P. Diddy exchange gunfire. The hard part for the Maid of Honor? Trying to figure out where the wedding dress train ends and J. Lo's butt begins.