Saturday, February 11, 2017

Mephley day pugh, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In a “TMZ” Donald Trump “Like Him, Hate Him” poll, 68% Hated him. Or as Betsy DeVos calls 68%: Half. 

After Donald Trump trashed Nordstrom on Twitter for dropping Ivanka’s clothing line, Nordstrom’s stock shot up. Upon hearing this, Trump tweeted, “My hotels are crappy. Sad.”

A 7th grade teacher in San Diego is under investigation after students claim he accidentally showed them porn in the classroom. When they said Betsy DeVos would screw up our schools, I didn't think they meant actually showing screwing. 

Bob Costas is bowing out of hosting the Olympics on NBC. He wants to spend more time with his pink eye.

• Janice Hough of 

“Only person really happy about the Chargers move is Washington’s Dan Snyder. Because Dean Spanos has just replaced him as most hated owner in NFL.”


Friday, February 10, 2017

New York Knick owner, James Dolan, said former Knick legend, Charles Oakley’s ejection was due to his drinking problem. If true, at least Oakley is one Knick who can take a shot. 

In honor of the Super Bowl, I heard a rumor a KFC in Atlanta is serving Falcons instead of chickens. They start off tasting great, but then you choke on them. 

USC has suspended kicker Matt Boermeester amid an investigation of a “code of conduct issue.” That is shocking. USC has code of conduct? 

And here I thought USC stood for University Sans Conduct. 

Little Caesar's Pizza founder, Mike Ilitch passed at 87. Their motto is "Pizza, pizza." Sorry he is dead, dead, but that pizza, pizza, sucked, sucked. 

Law & Order Sound Effect (HQ) [+Download Link]

On her first day as Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos asked twitter where the pencils were.  The responses did not go well. DeVos had to look up the word rectum. 

Florida firefighters rescued a man trapped inside a garbage truck. Explained the firefighters to the man, “Sir, the term white trash is figurative.” 

It is amazing how much Twitter is in the news. And happily none of these stories involves an Anthony Weiner dic-pic. 

Since you asked:
Had a couple college pals who started a successful men’s beach wear line a few years out of college circa 1984. When everyone else was using glow-in-the-dark pastels, they were using conservative prints and plaids. Imagine if Brooks Brothers made swim trunks. If yellow power came with trunks, these were it. 

It took off. 

And for a while they were on top of things and kept up with the growing demand. Thanks to Reagan, conservative yuppie fashion was in and these Newport Beach-brats were on top of it. At our local swimwear store in La Jolla, they displayed their line on a replica white, wooden lifeguard chair. It was cool. 

And then they got the breakthrough of all retail clothing breakthroughs: Nordstrom placed a huge order.

They were sponsors in surf contests and beach volleyball tournaments. They upgraded the upgrade of their BMW’s. Life its own ass self was good. 

But then success went to their heads. More specifically to their noses. 

And then it happened. They dropped an order to Nordstrom. (Cue “Law And Order” clang) 

That was the retail clothing equivalent of McCarthy-era communist blackballing. Every other retailer got wind of their colossal screw up and dropped them as if they labeled their swim suits “The Ebola Virus Collection.” Their swimsuits could have cured herpes, it would not have made any difference. 

Ivanka may be the first daughter. Trump may be the president. When it comes to retail clothing, none of that matters a Weiner dic-pic compared to what Nordstrom does.

And it has nothing to do with politics.

Back in the mid 80’s, before cell phones, we had serious dead time at our bond desk on Wall Street. Even glancing at a newspaper was verboten even when there was nothing happening for days at a time. We were supposed to be on the phones or waiting to pick up the phone. No computers to Google. We all could have learned a second language in those lulls.

There were crowd participation scenes reminiscent of Mel Brooks. 

One night before our Christmas break, the nicest, kindest, most sincere and decent man you can imagine - man, was he out of place - named Dennis-the-C stopped at the door, turned and wished everyone on the trading floor a happy and peaceful Christmas. 

The torrent of screaming obscenities and insults rained down on Den-Denny-Den-Den like Hurricane Katrina.

During one of the many endless lulls, somebody, bored out they skull, would say something to someone and it would get a casual , non-serious responses of: “F*ck you.” 

And then it was on. (Delivered in thick, Jersey Shore accents) 

“Wait, I’m sorry. Did he say . . . ? To be candid, my ears are not what they used to be. Did he say f*ck me?” (Casual nods of agreement all around) Because, that, my friend, is wrong. It is most certainly . . .  f*ck you.”

“F*ck me? F*ck me? F*ck me? What the . . . ? Oh, see, that is where you and the path of correctness diverge, mon frere . It is most decidedly not f*ck me. It is f*ck you.”

“F*ck me? Clearly this is a circumstance of communication getting abhorrently misunderstood if not utterly turned around, therein. For, as all current facts, figures and estimates clearly indicate, and I am fairly sure my numbers are accurate, it is not f*ck me. It is f*ck you.” 

This could go on for hours at a time. 

Kendall Jenner is cute. No doubt about it. (Is it Kendall or Kylie who is the model? Oh, right, Kendall. Kylie is in a contest to turn into Michael Jackson) 

Kendall is pretty. But you could open the door to any UCSB sorority and throw a tortilla inside and hit three women just as pretty as Kendall. 

Given the insane competition, there is no chance in hell Kendall Jenner is a model if she is not a famous Kardashian. 

And, yes, we at a.L.b.B. have heard the staunch lesbian rumors. 

Donald Trump complained the hand towels on Air Force One were too rough. My word, if Trump was any more of a pussy, he would have to grab himself.

When President Trump’s travel ban was turned down by the appeals court, Trump tweeted, “See you in court,” to the court. Trump told the court he’d see it in court. Trump then said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll see the bathroom in the bathroom.”

George Clooney and his wife, Amal, are expecting twins. The Oxford educated Amal speaks three languages, has advised the UN and worked to defend women’s rights to end sexual violence in wars. And now she is pregnant with twins. So, once again, outstanding job, George Clooney. 

Thursday, February 09, 2017

Watch Moose Fight in a Quiet Alaska Suburb | National Geographic

Apparently they were fighting over who got Bristol Palin pregnant
This is Wally's idea of multi-tasking. He is playing "Who's got dah ropes?" while checking out what is going on upstairs.

Wally got a tickle-spot, he do the stanky-leg, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study shows Australian dolphins chew on blowfish to get high off their toxins and even pass the blowfish around. The dolphins that do this are easy to spot. They have dreadlocks. 

Donald Trump complained that the hand towels on Air Force One are too rough. Now if that doesn’t scare ISIS into surrendering, I don’t know what will. 

There is a video of two moose locking horns in an Alaskan suburb. The closest New York City has to that is a rat and a supermodel fighting over a piece of pizza.

There is a video of two moose locking horns in an Alaskan suburb. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call that: foreplay.

Nordstrom’s stock shot up after Donald Trump attacked them on Twitter for dropping Ivanka’s clothing line. Said Trump to his stock broker, “But a million shares of Nordstrom. I’m gonna tweet that they suck again.” 

Blackfoot - Train, Train

Good call, Bill Snake

Despite record rain and snow, the California water control board refused to lift their drought restrictions They issued this statement from their Ark. 

A letter from Osama bin Laden revealed he felt it was OK for terrorists to masturbate in times of extreme need. Or as I called extreme masturbating need in high school: consciousness. 

In ’15, Kim Jong Un’s older brother snuck in to see an Eric Clapton concert in London. Which is ironic because Kim Jong Un is going to have his brother shot by the sheriff, not the deputy.

Barack Obama was in the Bahamas board-kiting. This time last year, Donald Trump was check-kiting contractors. 

Kellyanne Conway urged people to buy Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. Kellyanne Conway giving fashion tips is like Charles Oakley giving anger-management advice.

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

As shocking as this may be, this guy is a sex offender.

"Can you describe the suspect?"

"Imagine Yoda with Coolio's hair after a four-year-old drew on his face with a Sharpie."

It was a little awkward when VP Mike Pence swore in Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos. Pence said, “Raise your right hand. No, your other right hand.” 

During a Knick game against the Los Angeles Clippers, former New York Knick great, Charles Oakley, was ejected from Madison Garden and then arrested. The good news is someone associated with the Knicks was able to get arrested as a basketball player.

Now it looks like Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey was not stolen. So the rumors of Roger Goodell stealing it were inflated. 

Everyone is OK, but outside of Boston, 55 cars were involved in a pileup. For the love of god, Rob Gronkowski, would you please put your shirt back on before somebody gets hurt?

A woman was kicked off a Spirit Airlines flight because her top was too revealing. The only big boobs allowed on a Spirit Airlines flight are the employees.

Everyone is OK, but outside of Boston, 55 cars were involved in a pileup. In retrospect, the radio station’s fake “Win a kiss from Tom Brady” contest was a bad idea. 

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

They got they ass thumpy dumpied, gonna thumpy-dumpy do tonight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There was a shocking twist on the show “Jane The Virgin.” Let’s just say "Jane The Virgin" will now be called “Jane The Woman Named Jane.”

Betsy DeVos was confirmed as Secretary of Education by the Senate. It was a little awkward when Betsy signed secretary with a K. 

A Hamas explosives expert blew off his arms and legs. Now he is an expert in rolling. 

Drug dealers are stamping packets of heroin with Donald Trump’s face. Since Trump figured out how to fail at selling gambling, football, steaks and vodka, he can put an end to drug abuse. 

Steve Sarkisian, who lost his coaching job at USC to a drinking problem, has been named offensive coordinator of the Atlanta Falcons. Sarkisian is excited to be coaching the Super Bowl champion Falcons, the team that was winning the Super Bowl by 25 points before he passed out. 

Patriots RB James White says he doesn’t know what happened to the football he scored the winning touchdown with in Super Bowl 51. “I actually don’t know what I did with it. I left it on the ground and started running.”

Well, at least there’s no way for the NFL to check if the ball was deflated.

- From the brilliant comedic mind of Janice Hough

The Oakland Raiders are considering moving to San Diego. San Diego would greet the Raiders with open arms . . . arms they would immediately disinfect with Purell after touching the Raiders. 

It has been a few days since the Super Bowl and I am still amazed at the amount of booing directed at NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell. Nobody has heard booing like that since Bill Cosby was the warm up act for the Indigo Girls.

Drug dealers are stamping packets of heroin with Donald Trump’s face. They could be the first heroin dealers in history to declare bankruptcy.

Steve Sarkisian, who lost his coaching job at USC to a drinking problem, has been named offensive coordinator of the Atlanta Falcons. Sarkisian is excited to be coaching the Super Bowl champion Falcons,  the team that was winning the Super Bowl by 25 points before he passed out. 

During New England Patriot’s Julian Edelman’s appearance on “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon,” Edelman had would appeared to be a large hickey on the left side of his neck. So Roger Goodall was right. At least one Patriot fan sucks.

Monday, February 06, 2017

Pope Francis issued a video praising the Super Bowl as a sign of peace. However, the Pope did think the Falcons should have used a hot read in the red zone against the cover 2 blitz in four down territory. 

A Hamas explosives expert died when he accidentally blew off his arms and legs. He also lost his title "Explosives Expert."

Have you heard of the new KFC Falcon platter? It starts off great, but then you choke on it. 

Today the Atlanta Falcon saw its shadow and predicted six more months of choking jokes.

Tom Brady claims someone stole his winning Super Bowl jersey. That’s the last time they invite Winona Ryder into the locker room.

Someone stole Tom Brady’s winning Super Bowl jersey. We know it wasn’t an Atlanta Falcon, they did not have Brady’s number all day. 

I don’t want to say the Atlanta Falcons choked, but it was the worst result for a bird since Thanksgiving.

Someone stole Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey. Police have issued a description. Apparently the jersey has a #12 on it and it smells like money, super model affection and winning.

The Atlanta Falcons’ Alex Mack is playing in the Super Bowl despite having a broken bone in his leg. And I once called in sick with the hiccups.

There was an awkward moment when the Patriots won the Super Bowl. Sarah Palin Tweeted she wanted to congratulate the city of New England. 

While carrying the Super Bowl trophy, NFL great, Willie McGinest dropped F-bombs. McGinest dropped so many F-bombs Madonna called in to “Fox” to complain.  

Tom Brady and the Patriots went through Atlanta faster than anyone. Even General Sherman had to stop and light buildings on fire. 

The Atlanta Falcons blew a 25 point lead to the Patriots. The biggest blown lead ever without someone using a private email server.

To give you an idea how icy the Super Bowl Trophy exchange was between Roger Goodall and Bob Kraft? The Lombardi Trophy experienced shrinkage. 

Thoughts on Super Bowl Lie: (LI)

Steve Spicer is congratulating the Falcons on their record Super Bowl win. 

If Gronk and Lady Gaga hooked up, would they be Lanky Good Gra? 

Gronk kissed the Lombardi Trophy and now the Lombardi Trophy has a shanker sore on its lip.
(We kid and like the Gronk)

A Hamas explosives expert, Muhammad Hemada Walid al-Quqa, died after he blew off his arms and legs. As to what exactly went wrong, Hamas was stumped.

In other news:

Hooters is opening new restaurants called Hoots that feature no skimpy outfits and male servers. Apparently Hooters got tired of counting all the money they were making. 

Convicted dog-fighting felon, Michael Vick, announced his retirement from the NFL. Vick only played in 5 games in 2015 and did not play last year. That is like Vanilla Ice withdrawing his name from contention for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Sunday, February 05, 2017

That hissing noise you hear? That is NFL quarterbacks letting the air out of balls so they too can take a month off the start of the season and be rested so they can win a Super Bowl.

Gronk kissed the Super Bowl Trophy. Now the Super Bowl Trophy has a nasty shanker sore.