(Sung to the tune of "Tiny Dancer")




Hold me closer, Stormy Daniels
Count the money on the dresser
Lay me down in sheets of rubber
You had a pissy day today. 



Now, I would hate to brag, but I just used a parody of a classic Elton John song to tie together, not one, but two of Donald Trump's alleged prostitute scandals.

Not saying this is the algorithm that explains truth, but this is damn good, if I do say so myself.  


Sloppy Steve Bannon? Sh*thole Haiti? Stormy Daniels? Here is a comedy writer trying to keep up:

Sh*t on a biscuit and call it gravy, this is a wild day even for Donald Trump, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The New England Patriots face the Tennessee Titans. Both teams, Patriots and Titans, have the word Tit in them. Point this out to NE's Rob Gronkowski, and he'll have the game of his life. 

Five women have accused James Franco of sexual harassment. You know things are bad when you see an actor you like trending on Twitter and you think: “Please, let it be punching a photographer.”

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. What a crappy way to cheat.

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. Despite cheating, he was still pooped at the end.

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. He didn’t know he was disqualified. He thought they gave him #2. 

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. He flushed his chances for the Olympics. 

Donald Trump met with the Prime Minister of Norway, Erna Solberg. Awkward moment when Trump asked Solberg how far Norway was from their neighbor, Safeway. 

A speaker has been designed to be inserted in a pregnant woman’s vagina so their fetus can hear music. Or it can be inserted into single women's vaginas so they can play "Sing Along with Your Snooch."   

Since you asked:

Yesterday, my WiFi was down for a solid 20 minutes. At one point, in my mind, I compared myself to Nelson Mandela’s 20-year unjust prison sentence. Lord help me, I am a tool.

One of the many things I do not understand about comedians is where all the money suddenly comes from. Excuse my presidential preposition. 

Until they are headliners, comedians break-even traveling to and performing at weekend gigs. They make a little money if the comedy club has a hotel room on reserve or an apartment, like the Comedy Store in La Jolla and LA. 

Once they are headliners, then the travel to comedy clubs is paid for and they make about one or two grand a weekend. That just covers rent in Los Angeles in neighborhoods like Santa Monica or Hermosa Beach.

With a roommate. 

What I do not understand is how David Letterman went from his girlfriend paying his rent in Echo Park, or some other starving artist community, to living down the road from Johnny Carson in Malibu in a few years. And this is all before his talk show. 

Jay Leno bought his current mansion and most of his cars and was being flown first class before he got “The Tonight Show.” Yes, he did have that Dorritos commercial.   

Before they got their own shows, Leno and Letterman were doing “The Tonight Show” a lot, but at $500 an appearance. Yes, Letterman did “Password,” “Mork and Mindy” and was a regular on the short-lived “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” 

But sports cars in Malibu?   

Louis CK, before he got “Louie” on FX  - and subsequently jerked-off his way out of the entertainment business - had enough money to want to turn down “Louie.” They, FX, just gave him such a lucrative and flexible deal, he could not turn it down. 

In one year, Stroking-Louie is financing his own gig at Madison Square Garden or the Beacon Theater, and buying a nice yacht and producing other artist’s shows.

And, though it all, all comedy writers are relatively horribly underpaid. 

Mr. Moose is on the loose, he's full of juice and that ain't no ruse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


After fires and mudslides, Californians are becoming sentimental of when the scariest thing was a private Happy Hour with Bill Cosby.


It is 2018, but I keep writing “The Kardashians have killed our collective souls” on my checks.


Awkward moment in Trump’s speech when he said he wanted to visit the Norwegian town of Yssup Rebbarg. It was a prompter hack. Yssup Rebbarg is Pussy Grabber backwards.



A TMZ video shows Harvey Weinstein being slapped by a drunk restaurant patron. “Oh, that’s horrible. Harvey’s done some bad things, but he does not deserve this,” said absolutely nobody.



A TMZ video shows Harvey Weinstein being slapped by a drunk restaurant patron. Joke is on the drunk guy. His hand now has an herpes.



TMZ video shows Harvey Weinstein slapped by a drunk restaurant patron. It was an honest mistake, the drunk guy wanted to give Harvey an encouraging slap on the butt, but it is impossible to distinguish between Harvey’s ass and his face.



Harvey Weinstein reached a divorce agreement with his wife, Georgia Chapman. It was the first time after an agreement divorce lawyers - not their clients - had to take a Silkwood Shower. 




Annoying publicity whore, LaVar Bell, said his son, Lonzo’s LA Laker teammates no longer want to play for the coach, Luke Walton. In a related story, the Lakers have copyrighted the term: LaVartarded. 

UCSB Track Team, 1980. That's me, top row, fourth from the left next to my great friend, Mark O'Connor on my right. Bill Hartnett, Tom Harris, Peter Allen. All great friends to this day. 

Is it just me, or does Stephen Miller look like he has restraining order against him from a women's shoe store? 

Get woke to the joke or you won't get stoked, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It is so wet in Los Angeles, a tidal wave washed Kevin Spacey out of a Kiddy Pool.


It is raining so hard in Malibu, Caitlyn Jenner is considering transitioning to a seal.

It is so wet in Los Angeles, Louis CK does not need skin lotion.

It is so wet in Los Angeles it washed Harvey Weinstein into the gay romance movie, “Call Me By Your Name.”

It is so wet in Los Angeles, it washed Bill Cosby into a Time’s Up meeting.

It is raining so hard in Los Angeles, the Kardashian sister’s lips and asses have been designated as floatation devices.

Donald Trump declared himself a stable genius. When asked if he has ever been in Mensa, Trump said, “No, I don’t trust those driverless cars.”

After Oprah’s speech at the Golden Globes, Twitter has blown up with “Oprah 2020.” But seriously, what chance does a billionaire TV personality with no political experience have running for, and yes, I can hear it as I say it.

Is it just me or does Stephen Miller look like the picture of the guy above the counter of the adult book store who wrote a bad check? 

There was smoke coming out of Trump Tower. That means Trump has elected a new Covfefe. 

The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. The men in Thailand believe women love white penises. This makes the first time the phrase, "Women love white penises," has ever been used.

The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. The men in Thailand believe women love white penises. To which Kim Kardashian asked, “What’s a white penis?” 

Donald Trump declared himself a stable genius. When asked if he has ever been in Mensa, Trump said, “No, but I hear Arizona is nice this time of year.” 

Donald Trump declared himself a stable genius. Trump is such a genius, he put the Mensa in dementia.