Saturday, December 05, 2009

Grilled ribs on the menu tonicht. And, yes, San Diego Sunsets. (Tumbler full of ice, Mount Gay Rum, coconut water and a squeeze of lime)

Imma gonna Imma, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The New Jersey Nets are 0-18. Even the New York Knicks are making jokes about the Nets.

The New Jersey Nets are 0-18. The Nets stink so much you can even smell them in New Jersey.

President Barack Obama is going to send more troops to Afghanistan. And Tiger Woods wants to be one of them.

It turns out everyone on the PGA tour knew about Tiger Woods’s womanizing. That explains why when they interviewed Tiger, all the golfers snickered when he said he’d like to score a 69.

The good news for Tiger Woods? A new sponsor is courting him. The bad news? It’s Cheetah’s Strip Clubs.”

The Tiger Woods scandal has quieted a little. Tiger still has a lot of groveling, apologizing and explaining to do. And that’s just to his sponsor Buick for driving a Cadillac Escalade.

The Georgia Supreme Court has ruled teachers can have sex with their 16- year-old or older students if the sex is consensual. In a related story, all of the teachers in Florida are now moving to Georgia.

The Georgia Supreme Court ruled teachers can have sex with 16- year-old or older students if the sex is consensual. To which one student asked; “But what if I drive a Chevy instead of a Consensual?”

The Mrs. Keaton mom from “Family Ties”, Meredith Baxter, came out as a lesbian on the “Today” show; “Mallory, fix dinner, Mom’s playing softball.” “Alex, I can’t, I’m packing Mom’s backpack for her camping trip with the girls.”

First Tiger and his wife, Elin, now there are strong rumors of big trouble with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s marriage. What’s the secret of a good marriage? Don’t be around women when you look like Brad Pitt or Tiger Woods.

The Tiger/Elin Woods story is amazing. Can you imagine a blonde Swedish swimsuit model attacking a car with a golf club? That’s not supposed to turn me on, right?

The Tiger/Elin Woods story is amazing. Married guys across the country are dumbfounded. Tiger was out dating women when he could have been playing golf? What is wrong with him?

Tiger Woods is married to Elin Nordegin, a scorching hot blonde Swedish bikini model who, incidentally, let’s Tiger play golf whenever he wants. Well, no wonder he cheated on her, what a shrew.

Paula Abdul wants to host a daytime talk show. But in her case, legally it would have to be called a Daytime Mumble and Slur Show.

Paula Abdul wants to host a daytime talk show. This would be the first talk show ever that would require captions for the hostess.

Happy 61st birthday to Ozzie Osbourne, wow, he looks great for his age. Oh, sorry, I thought that was 161st birthday

Since you asked;

Got up early to go surf, but it is high tide and cloudy and cold. I can take one of those, not all three.

So I went and got the X-mas tree. 20 minutes total. Put it up. It looks great. Got some breakfie. Drank coffee. Wrote e-mails. Wrote many Tiger jokes. Did you know Tiger's third - if you're keeping score at home - Jaimee Grubbs, has not been exclusive to Tiger? Let's just say more people have played her's than the 18th at Pebble Beach.

So I am feeling kind of smug. Lost track of time, thought to myself, Lex (yes, not only do I refer to myself in the third person, I do it with a stupid nickname ) you owe yourself an early afternoon cocktail at one o'clock or so, which should be soon. Looked down at my watch, it is 10:00 am.

Here are my questions: should I be worried and how worried should I be? I am thinking the answers are yes and very.

Since you asked, 2:

Sure, I can hear it, there is a groundswell, an Internet buzz, a mass muttering, a tempest of talking out there and it is asking:

“Lex, buddy, pal, raconteur, sumptuous girl-toy, bon vivant mother humpin’ man-about-town, how do you grill you some baby back ribs?

Great question, Slatteens and Nugiles.

Peel the membrane from the back of the ribs. Use a paper towel to get some traction. Get a large plastic tub/container and fill in 1/3 full with apple juice. Mix in a half a cup of sea salt and mix until dissolved. Add a good dusting of garlic powder. Brine marinate those puppies for two hours.

Preheat oven 225. Make a rub of garlic powder, fresh ground pepper, Old Bay seasoning, paprika and cumin. (Should be a golden red color like the side of a California hill at sunset) Rub that into the ribs, and I mean rub it in.

Pour beer into the bottom of those two panel roasting pans with vents in the top panel. Place ribs on meat side up and loosely tent with tin foil. Let cook for four hours.

Pour yourself a San Diego Sunset (Tumbler full of ice, Mount Gay Rum, coconut water, squeeze of lime) and put on iPod playlist of underrated songs including most of the songs from “The Concert for George” and “The Commitments” including Clapton’s “Beware of Darkness” and “Dark End of the Street.” Imbibe deeply of both.

BBQ Sauce
Dice an onion, sauté it until translucent, add a cup of peach preserves, big dollop of apple cider vinegar, dollop of Worcestershire, dollop of molasses, dollop of mustard, big dollop of ketchup, big dollop of your favorite barbeque sauce . Mine is Kansas City Barbeque sauce. Let it simmer down by half, turn off.

Soak mesquite wood chips, place them in the smoker, turn the grill on to about 250 degrees, but just use the two right burners. Place the smoker over the far right burner. Once it starts smoking put the ribs on the left grill that is off. Smoke for about two hours.

Last half hour, slather on the barbeque sauce. Last ten minutes, more slathering, place the ribs over the burners that are on and get grill marks and caramelizing.

Serve with cole slaw, baked beans and hot corn bread muffins with a tall cold beer. Have wet wipes handy.

And then slap me baffy-headed and call me Betty-Sue. Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Haawwwwww.

Sumptuous girl toy? Oh, good lord.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Tomorrow night, hard workout, San Diego Sunsets, red wine, grilled rib eyes and "Gimme Shelter" on Blu-Ray DVD. Then surfing Saturday

Hey, little thing let me light your candle ‘cause, Mama, I'm sure hard to handle now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The traffic side of the Tiger Woods saga is over with Tiger receiving a ticket for reckless driving and a fine of $164. Tiger offered to pay the fine in cash asking the police; “Do you have change for a ten million dollar bill?”

The Tiger Woods sex scandal seems to be slowing down. All comedy writers can do now is sit and wait patiently until Tiger shoots a 69 or a hole in one.

Tiger Woods issued a statement saying he regretted his transgressions that let his family down; Tiger did want to acknowledge the support he has received, specifically the nice fruit basket from Adam Lambert with a card saying; “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

This Tiger Woods fiasco keeps getting worse. How bad is it? This is the first time in ten years somebody somewhere is happy they’re not Tiger Woods.

It is now known Tiger Woods wife, Elin, broke his car window with a pitching wedge in anger, not to save him. And Tiger is upset, when she swung the club she didn’t keep her head down, rotate her hips or follow through.

The Georgia Supreme Court has ruled teachers can have sex with their 16- year-old or older students if the sex is consensual. In a related story, all of the teachers in Florida are now moving to Georgia.

Since you asked:
Now that I have had some time to think about it, I take back my “Now that he has come clean, give Tiger a break” attitude.

An ex-friend of mine cheated on his wife – she was no prize cheating also, but she was better at hiding it – the very night she delivered their child. As horrified as we all were when we heard about it, at the time I did not have a child of my own.

When Ann Caroline was born, just the thought of somebody cheating on their wife and the mother of their child at such a special time hit home so hard and became so repugnant it nearly made me sick to think I had a friend who did that. So I decided he wasn’t a friend anymore.

From that point on, I couldn’t stand to be around him. Couldn't talk to him on the phone. Still haven't and won't. That episode ripped the “What a nice guy” veil off his face and revealed to all of us what a scum bag he was. And he turned out to be an utter scumbag, a true sociopath: lying, stealing, cheating, he could do it all. He was the triple threat of sociopaths.

Tiger Woods started cheating on the mother of his children when she was pregnant and kept going.

Add that to the existing stories of Tiger being a cheapskate with tips and rude to children who are seeking autographs, an ugly drunk and also add all the new and sordid trollops that are slithering out of the cracks in the sidewalk to say they also slept with Tiger, and the jury is pretty much in: Tiger Woods is an utter scumbag for whom I will no longer give a rat’s ass.

Go Phil Michelson, I will take a nice guy with a gambling addiction over an utter scumbag every time.

It is my educated guess the rest of the PGA is doing drunken cartwheels in hysterical delight at the de-pantsing of his nibs. Imagine the hostility and frustration of having to get beaten by a guy also posing as a saint to the public, when the players knew without any doubt Tiger was sleazier than a New Orleans pimp.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Beware of Sadness
It can hit you
It can hurt you
Make you sore and what is more
That is now what we are here for

- George Harrison, "Beware of Darkness."

How you feelin’ me now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

The most used word in 2009? Twitter. The second and third most used words? “We’re idiots.”

Tiger hits a tree and a fire hydrant? Yo, Tiger, pick a wood or an iron, you can’t hit both.

Any more women come out of the woodwork and we may have to change Tiger’s name to Rabbit Woods.

A pizzeria in Ireland fired its workers for watching porn while making pizzas; it brought a whole new and ugly meaning to meat lover’s pizza.

This economy is rough, sales of Viagra and Cialus are down. What’s even sadder? Sales of popsicle sticks and duct tape are up.

Since you asked:

Now that Tiger has finally come out and admitted his transgressions, he isn't in front of this story, but he did sort of knock it sideways out of bounds. Now any bimbos who try and come forward will just be viewed as the gold digging little tramps they are.

What I really like is this now knocks that rabid pit bull psycho media whore, Gloria Allred, out of the picture. She can't sue the "National Enquirer" now that it is clear their story on Rachel Uchitel was true. Yeah.

Hopefully Tiger can save his marriage and pull out of this and grow up. The ironic thing is that Tiger has worked so hard to be a flawless machine to the public he appears too robotic for a lot of people and showing that he is actually human could work in his favor. It is too soon to tell. Let's hope so.

In a world of true bad guys like Bernie Madoff and John Edwards and OJ Simpson, Tiger is not a bad guy, I don't think. Just naive and, well, horny. Not the two worst traits in the world.

And as far as the cocktail waitress bimbo, the aptly named Jamiee Grubbs, since the Alec Baldwin incident, I view the person who releases a phone message to the press as the real bad guy.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

"The Commitments" long-haired brunette female singer? Good googly moog she is hot

That sloppy ho whored up from the floor up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tennis star Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her obscenity-laced tirade during the US Open. That will teach Serena not to pantomime having sex with Adam Lambert.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers had to place Dirk Johnson and Torrie Cox on injured reserve. The last time a Cox and a Johnson were hurt was when Adam Lambert’s tour bus hit a pot hole.

The Tiger Woods rumors are wild. We have a crashed car, a passed out Tiger, a rumor of an ugly domestic fight over an affair. If Tiger takes his shirt off we would have an episode of “Cops.”

Tiger Woods has declined to talk to the Florida police three times. You know what I would be if I declined talking to the police three times after wrecking my car? Incarcerated.

“Star Trek” is out on DVD, the “Twilight” sequel is out and Fantasy Football playoffs are coming up; this is the most exciting time to be a 30-year-old virgin since they started broadcasting “Dungeons and Dragons” tournaments on cable TV.

The New York party girl allegedly involved with Tiger Woods, Rachel Uchitel, has dated a lot of celebrities. In fact, Uchitel has been connected to more male celebrities than Paris Hilton’s urologist.

Sad news, Shaquille O’Neal’s wife filed for divorce. Gosh, I hope Shaq is going to be OK, I mean, how in earth is a multi-millionaire with a size 23 EEE shoe going to find another woman?

Sad news, Shaquille O’Neal’s wife filed for divorce. Shaq tried to give the marriage another shot, but he missed that shot from the free throw line.

Since you asked:
Can I give you some unsolicited musical listening advice? Get your narrow tuchus on iTunes and download just about everything from the woefully underrated soundtracks from "The Commitments" and "Concert for George." If "TC's" "Dark End of the Street" and Clapton's "Beware of Darkness" don't give you goosebumps, you ain't hooked up right is all.

Especially when you can hear the hurt in Clapton's voice over the loss of his dear friend.

Lord help me, I loves me some rockumentaries. Just ordered the Stones "Gimme Shelter" on blu ray DVD from Amazon. Grilled meat, San Diego Sunsets, red wine, popcorn and you can slap me funky and call me Betty.

Let’s play a wildly innocuous and a little bit sad game of:

If Lex Was Really Rich

Hire a driver/shopper/prep chef who cleans up. That way, if I don’t want to cook, he can. If I do want to cook, he gets the stuff and cleans up. And he drives us wherever we want to go. And then he goes home.

Charter private jets and travel like crazy. Paris, London, Barcelona, Sydney, Milan, Ireland. Finest hotels. Slumming sucks.

Buy a big-ass house in Santa Barbara. It’s only half-an-hour away by charter jet out of Carlsbad. But still live in this house. (Fix up the backyard, of course)

Buy a pretty cool vintage large wooden sailboat.

Buy a really tricked out Airstream and hire a driver.

Start a kick ass stand up paddle board and paddle collection.

Corner the market on antique and unusual harmonicas and harmonica microphones.

Open a really cool comedy club/ blues music/ sports bar close by. (This would closed for my private parties)

Throw a big fun party and hire all of the ex-Eagles to play, Bernie Leadon, Randy Meisner and Don Felder. Fly in friends from out of town.

Give a lot of money to "Make A Wish Foundation" and the ASPCA and Breast Cancer.

In the words of Bubba in "Forrest Gump," that’s about it.

Monday, November 30, 2009

"Damn it, I wish I had gone with a driver."

Let’s review:

Tiger Woods crashes his car into a tree and fire hydrant in front of his driveway at 2:25 am, wife, Elin, reportedly smashes back window with golf club to get him out. Tiger declines to meet with police three times. Neighbors claim to hear a loud domestic fight that same time and then seeing a passed-out-on-the-ground Tiger. Slutty party chick - rumored to be connected with Tiger - immediately flies across country to hire publicity-whore sleazy celebrity attorney Gloria Allred to deny the rumor. Tiger also denies rumors. About the only thing missing from this mess is an hysterical phone call about a breakaway weather balloon with a kid inside it.

That’s the thing with celebrities famous for guarding their private lives, like Tom Cruise, Tiger Woods and David Letterman. There always ends up being a big reason why they have to guard their private lives. Either they’re banging everything in sight, or they are gayer than Adam Lambert’s dance choreographer.