In Jupiter, FLA cops, Amy Walling and Jason VonSteenBurgh, were fired for having sex on duty because Jason sexted a picture of it. Cops having sex on duty is called stupid. Sexting a picture of it is called Florida stupid.

A study claims there are three types of online porn users. Recreational, distressed and compulsive. Recreational users are normal. Distressed users feel guilty. And compulsive porn users cannot even hear about porn without . . . hey. Where you goin'? 

Michigan football’s latest recruiting class features nine lineman between 278 and 335 pounds. In a related story, Ann Arbor’s Olive Garden just changed their Never-ending pasta bowls to Ending-when-we-say-so pasta bowls.

In the NCAA tournament, #11 USC upset #6 SMU 66-65. It was also when drunk St. Patty’s day partiers saw a game and said, “Look, USC and SMU spells "You Schmucks.”

Artie Lange? Cocaine and heroin? Come on. Look at this health nut. Are they sure it wasn't whey protein powder and vitamin C?

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, they dye the Chicago River green. This year, as an added bonus, the Cubs also dyed the White Sox fans green with envy.

Since you asked:

New Rule: whatever douche-bag celebrity has more than $10,000 worth of jewelry lying around stolen? They have to donate that amount to fighting cancer. 

St. Patrick's Day celebrity dirt addition;

Bruce Willis will always rank as one of the people I despised the most in the shortest period of time.


Bruce was a bartender in the hip club Kamikaze in New York circa early 80’s. He was short, balding, smug and coked to the gills on an incredible mall-cop-like power trip. 

In the entire time I was there, which totaled about three nights, Bruno-the-dick never made eye contact with me, let alone would he deem to lower himself to take my drink order. 

And, according to some chardonnay-soaked Ketchum, Idaho trophy wives in a wine bar over ten years later, in violation of the non-disclosure agreement the Willis’s had them sign, Bruce and Demi are/were incredibly kinky and into group sex. (Let’s say neither Demi nor Bruce is overly committed to one team. Yes, that means what you think it means)

And, worst of all, Bruce is a shitty harmonica player who whores his celebrity to foist his awful playing on people.

So all those stories you've heard of Bruce Willis turning into a major dick? Not true.  

Bruce was always a dick.

Now on a more positive note:

One of the many joys of living in San Diego in the 90’s was having Joan Kroc amongst us. 

As Joan got a tad older - and had a run-in with a DUI - she finally hired a driver. Many times I saw her being driven around - sitting in front, of course - in her mid-size, light brown Buick. At the grocery store she smiled and said hello. 

Joan was as unassuming as a billionaire could be. A genuinely nice, midwestern gal. A gal's gal. 

From time to time - at least once a month - there would be sad story on the local news about someone falling on hard times;  a little league team could not afford a trip to a tournament; a single mom was about to get evicted; a family could not afford to keep a dog.

Low and behold, the next day there was an extremely generous gift from an anonymous benefactor. Joan vehemently denied making these donations, of course. 


But when Joan passed, the gifts stopped. 

In Florida, a pro golfer, Cody Gribble, went up to a resting alligator and tapped its tail startling it into the water. The last golfer who did that? Sam “Lefty” McJones, the inventor of one-handed golf clubs . 

Pretty sure that is how Captain Hook got his start.

Dumbest thing a golfer has done since a married Tiger Woods gave his cell phone number to a Rachel Uchitel and five Hooter's waitresses.

Ivanka Trump’s jewelry line is going more mainstream.  And Eric Trump landed the “after” role in a public service announcement decrying the dangers of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. 

You either get the NCAA tournament or you don't. When I told a co-worker a lot of people had Gonzaga in the semis, she said, "STD's are rampant." 

Have you seen Clint Eastwood’s son, Scott Eastwood’s BMW commercial where he extols the virtue of hard work? That kid was born with a silver spoon so far down his throat it came out in a rectal exam.

Emmylou Harris "Pancho and Lefty"

Pancho was a bandit boy,
His horse was fast as polished steel
He wore his gun outside his pants
For all the honest world to feel, 

Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The economy is bad all over the world. In Japan, the bad economy put a squeeze on their annual Penis Festival. 

The economy is bad all over the world. In Japan, the bad economy was even hard on their Penis Festival. 

The economy is so bad, to make money on the side, Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos, is offering to tutor kids in book learnin’.

The economy is so bad, to make money on the side, Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos, is offering to tutor kids in mathmology. 

The economy is so bad, March Madness has turned into March Pissed-off That I’m Broke.

The economy is so bad, when he gets out of prison this Fall, OJ Simpson is going to live on Kato Kaelin’s couch. 

The economy is so bad, 23 years later and we are still recycling OJ Simpson jokes.

The economy is so bad, April the giraffe was clinching to keep from delivering her baby until she got a higher bid for the name.  

President Trump is having a Twitter war with Snoop Dog. Wow. Just like our founding fathers predicted.

The economy is so bad, the porn site “PornHub” has posted a GoFundMe fundraiser.  

Rough night for the Kardashian/Jenner women. Kendal Jenner had $200,000 of jewelry stolen and Kim, Khloe and Kourtney’s store “Dash” was vandalized. Worst day since they had to fire their manicurist who mistakenly painted their toenails Ballet Slipper Pink instead of Barbie Pink.

During the last storm, the porn site, “PornHub” plowed Boston and New Jersey driveways for free. The only catch is, because they’re a porn site, they blast the last load of snow in your face. 

In the NCAA battle of the brains, Northwestern beat Vanderbilt 68-66 on a huge mental mistake by Vanderbilt. However, Vanderbilt won the side bet on who could calculate Pi the furthest.


The Northwestern-Vanderbilt trash talking was embarrassing;

“Look here, athletic antagonist, nuanced dexterity is neither your nor your plus-sized matriarch’s métier. N'est-ce pas?” 

Awkward when Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos, tweeted, "Congratulations to the entire city of Northwestern."

NU alum and ESPN announcer, Britt McHenry, was so excited, she did not even slap the parking lot attendant. 

Rachel Maddow’s big Trump tax reveal was less shocking than finding out Rachel asks her hairstylist for the Ross from “Friends.”


Do not get me wrong, I am a fan of the whip-smart, funny Rachel Maddow. But her big Trump tax reveal was about as shocking as finding out she has "Bette Davis Eyes," in her iTunes library. 

Everyone was disappointed in Rachel Maddow’s Trump 2005 tax report. Trump lovers thought it would show he donated $100 mil to orphaned puppies and Trump haters hoped it showed he sponsored the ISIS softball team.

You know things are bad for democrats when Rachel Maddow pulls a boner. 

Amazing '83 picture from my Santa Barbara decathlon buddy, Michael "Spider" Brown. (Spider is third from right) Our beloved UCSB coach, Sam Adams, is fourth from left. The greatest heptathlete in history prior to Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Jane Frederick, is third from left. Russ Hodge and Rick Sloan are the two on the right, respectively, two of the most underrated decathletes in a sport known for underrated great athletes. (Hodge set the world record in '67, Sloan, a great pole vaulter,  made the '68 Olympic team) Fred Dixon (fourth from right) was an Olympian in '76 along with the guy sixth from left who used to be named Bruce something. The gentleman in the red sweats in the middle is Harry Marra who coached Spider in college and recently coached the greatest decathlete of all time, Ashton Eaton. 

(That is Fred Dixon taking the wee-wee on Caitlyn with the devil fingers) 




A naked man was found stuck in the ceiling of a Napa Togo’s sandwich shop. They have not found a naked man stuck in a sandwich shop since Subway fired Jared.

A Brazilian soccer club signed a goalkeeper who went to prison for hiring someone to murder his pregnant girlfriend and then he fed her body to his dogs. On the bright side, the dogs were not involved in dog fighting. 

"Sounds fair to me," said OJ Simpson. 

In response to critics, the soccer club said, "Did we mention he is a really good goalie? 

White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, gave an update on the storm. Incidentally, Sean Spicer is the only thing that is whiter than this storm.

Nobody has named storm with a nickname like Snowpocalypse or Snowmageddon. Since this storm is a giant fiasco like best picture at the Oscars, I vote for Snow-PricewaterhouseCooper. 

The East is having a huge snowstorm. This storm is so white it thought “La La Land” should have won best picture over “Moonlight.” 

Now, I don't want to say the bio of David Letterman, “Last Giant of Late Night,” paints a bleak off-camera picture of Dave, but after being around Dave, Vladimir Putin tried to have himself poisoned. 

Monday, Japan had its annual penis festival. Is it me or did the penis festival come early this year? 

The Northeast is bracing for a big winter storm. But we in Southern CA have our weather issues too. Today it was so cool, the Kardashian sisters had to put sweats over their yoga pants.

In Indiana, two naked brothers who passionately made out and punched a woman were charged with incest, battery, indecency, obscene behavior and impersonating Floridians. 

Their attorney is going to try and get the trial moved to Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. 

Michigan football’s latest recruiting class features nine lineman between 278 and 335 pounds. In a related story, Ann Arbor’s Olive Garden just changed their never-ending pasta bowls to ending-fairly-soon pasta bowls.

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Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez are dating. Together A-Rod and J-Lo form the rapping couple name: JA Drool. 

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Kellyanne Conway suggested Donald Trump may have been tapped through his TV and his microwave oven. And, she added, their toaster oven was looking shady as hell.

When asked for comment, the White House asked to couch the discussion.

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For the first time ever, Northwestern’s basketball team is in the NCAA Tournament. Known for its academics, Northwestern will have to work on its trash talking. “Say there, athletic combatant, your kinetic skills are lugubrious at best,” simply will not cut it.

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Two schools, Northwestern and Vanderbilt, more known for their academics, will face off together in the NCAA Tournament. To commemorate this, they have agreed to trash talk in latin. Tu Momma Suckus. 

Actually, Northwestern does not trash talk.  They use verbal recycling. 

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For the second time, Radio Shack has declared bankruptcy. Is there anything sadder than a shack with a foreclosure sign on it?

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Muhammad Ali Jr. was detained at the airport a second time. And you don’t want to know what happened to his traveling partner, Joe Frazier's son, Osama bin Frazier. 

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Radio Shack has declared bankruptcy for the second time. And here I did not even know Donald Trump had turned Radio Shack into a casino. 

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Kellyanne Conway suggested Donald Trump may have been tapped through his microwave oven. That doesn’t seem possible to me, but then I cannot fathom why a burrito heated in a microwave takes longer to cool down than it does to cook. 


Kellyanne is one nutty statement away from being the woman in our neighborhood with all the cats whose scary, rundown house we were not allowed to go to on Halloween. 

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Michigan football’s latest recruiting class features nine lineman between 278 and 335 pounds. In a related story, Ann Arbor’s Olive Garden just changed their never-ending pasta bowls to ending-fairly-soon pasta bowls.


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In his blog, ex-slugger, Sammy Sosa, denied his positive steroid tests, compared his travails to Jesus and claimed to introduce Chicago to the world. So much for those rumors of Sosa being a psycho primma donna. 

Is there anything more annoying than an overly self-important blogger?  That was a rhetorical question, Daaaaryllll. 

Lexervations: 

Kale is the food equivalent of Haiku.

Who would have thought that Inspector Gadget would come up in a quote about national security?

John Lennon was weird and, besides “Imagine,” a little overrated. (Remember, he chose to foist us with Yoko Ono)

Sports are vitally important to our culture and anyone who doesn’t agree is a dick. Straight up. 

Pit bulls are adorable right until you read about one mauling a child.

People are terrified of being alone and their addiction to their cell phone is proof.

Never in the history of our country’s political process has their been such incessant whining. Both winners and losers.

If we were secretly recorded while driving alone in our cars, not many of us would be considered good people. 

My daughter, at age 7, heard that breathing in the air from microwave popcorn can burn your lungs. She interpreted that to mean breathing anywhere around a microwave could burn your lungs. So she would loudly inhale and hold her breath when walking past the microwave in the kitchen. Like we had a mini Chernobyl in our kitchen. 

That is now the second silliest misconception of the powers of a microwave oven. 

Tip to new parents: Remember, everybody poops. It just that some of us do it better than others. 

Woman, Whoaaa Man - So I Married an Axe Murderer (1/8) Movie CLIP (1993) HD

For the first time ever, Northwestern’s basketball team is in the NCAA Tournament. Known for its academics rather than basketball, Northwestern will have to work on its trash talking. “Say there, athletic combatant, your kinetic skills are lugubrious at best,” will not cut it.


Walk a mile in a man's shoes and he will say, "Hey, give me my damn shoes back." And then he will spray them with Febreze.