Saturday, January 17, 2009

Take it to the limit one more time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A new study reveals too much caffeine can cause hallucinations; yeah, caffeine can cause so much delusion it can make Starbucks charge $5 for coffee and, worse, people will be so whacked out on caffiene, they will pay it.

The US Airways flight that landed safely in the Hudson river was saved by the heroics of it’s pilot, Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger. Let’s hope it doesn’t turn out Sullenberger was just another investment scammer trying to fake his own death.

The US Airways jet that landed safely in the Hudson river lost its engines when they hit a flock of geese. This just in: the Audubon Society is suing US Airways.

New York Knicks center, Eddy Curry, was charged with sexual harassment by his male ex-driver;
not to get into details, but leave it to a Knick to come up with a new way to suck.

Guess what the name was of the first boat captain to reach the US Airways plane in the Hudson river? Vincent Lombardi. Yeah, apparently, of the survivors, he said “Swimming isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

My Final Eagle Epilogue:

The problem with 95% of critics is they suffer from a near terminal case of nobody-liked-me-in-school-so-now-I-am-going-to-get-back-at-the-popular-kids syndrome. The problem is the artists they are getting back at have the same disease.

Just read a scathing review by legendary and dead rock critic Lester Bangs on the Eagles. It was demeaning, insultingly patronizing and, worst of all, dead on accurate.

Lester Bangs – portrayed by that baby-headed dude, Phillip Seymore Hoffman in “Almost Famous” - was an admitted loser/dork so of course he isn’t going to like a popular band made up of popular and handsome jock types. But he admits, at the top of the interview, that the Eagles were top notch singers, musicians, harmonizers and had an amazing knack for knowing what a popular hook sounded like to make it a popular song.

What Bangs pointed out was the type of the West the Eagles sang about were like those tacky driftwood sculptures that were so popular in the Seventies, not the real gritty, sand and wind and bone and snake and cactus and redneck poverty and drunk cowboy West that Townes Van Sandt and Tom Waits nailed so perfectly.

The Eagles even covered Tom Waits’s “Ol’ 55” with their perfect pitch, slick production and soaring harmonies and heart-breaking pedal steel guitar. It is a great song, I love it, and it captures absolutely none of the heart and grit of the original.

As I was reading Lester Bangs brutally dismiss the Eagles with feint praise in the same way as Keith Richards did with the word “complacency” I began to get really angry. How dare this admitted dork and loser be so right about my beloved Eagles?

This is painful to admit, but we are talking about a grown man with a ten-year-old daughter, who loved the Eagles so much he recently marked their homes in Coldwater Canyon and Laural Canyon and Malibu on Google Earth. Sad? You bet.

The Eagles never suffered and it shows. When I thought they were writing about my heartbreak over a gorgeous spoiled brat high school cheerleader dumping me, a popular jock, for an even more popular jock, they were really writing about a record company president who didn’t kiss their butt enough. Truth be told, none of us really suffered at all.

But it sure seemed like it at the time.

The Eagles first album was recorded in the plush studios in England where Glyn Johns recorded with Led Zeppelin. And, while being put up in the lap of luxury in London, all the Eagles did was whine about how homesick they were and that Johns wouldn’t let them do drugs in the studio.

In fact, the leanest time the Eagles had was when their producer, David Geffen, put them up in Aspen to work out their first album in a bar called the Gallery. (It was like Woodstock, I’ve met hundreds of people who said they saw the Eagles there when in reality, they weren’t even called the Eagles yet) Poor guys, playing in a popular bar in Aspen. Boo fricking hoo. Try living in a studio apartment with a rickety pull-out sofa bed in Long Beach that smelled of rancid meat.

Or how about a fifth floor walk up New York studio apartment on West Third that got so hot one night I couldn’t tell if the tickling feeling on my chest was sweat or a cockroach running over me.

But enough about me.

Glenn Frey himself said many of the songs were songs about the drama behind the scenes of making music disguised as love songs. It explains why Frey never wrote a song about the roadie he fired in Europe because the guy came back to Frey’s room with a soft pack of Marlboros instead of the hard box.

The only suffering the Eagles did was suffering over the pressure of being wildly successful. You can’t write a great love song when you have five hot groupies waiting for you down in the hotel bar while you’re in your lavish suite getting dressed in pre-faded blue jeans and $5,000 endangered species cowboy boots while shoveling a pile of expensive drugs up your nose with a silver spoon and swigging it down with expensive brandy.

As great a song writer as he is/was, you want to know why Don Henley hasn't written a hit song in a long time? Because nobody wants to hear a song about the heartbreak of having to move from your Malibu canyon mansion to a palatial estate outside of Houston.


How many Eagles songs do I listen to on a regular basis? Two. There are two songs that are on a lot of my iPod playlists. “Hotel California” and “Seven Bridges Road.” While my iPod playlists are littered with blues classics like Little Walter’s “Juke” and rockers like the Stones and Led Zepplin and Bruce Springsteen and folk/country Emily Lou Harris angelic rendition of Townes Van Zandt’s haunting “Pancho and Lefty.” The difference is those bands were singing about their reality not an image of what the country imagined their image was like, as the Eagles did.

The line in Cameron Crowe’s “Almost Famous” that actually came from Glen Frey sums up the Eagles main motivation as well as their biggest flaw:

“Just make us look cool.”

I'm willing to bet a thousand dollars that thought never crossed Jimi Hendrix's mind. And there was nothing he did that wasn't cool. 

One day at a sports bar near here I ran into the guy who was the sound engineer for Jackson Browne, Crosby Stills Nash and Young – his best man at his wedding was David Crosby – and the Eagles. When I breathlessly asked him what the Eagles were like as guys, he paused, knowing he didn’t want to pop my bubble and said diplomatically;

“Those guys made it so well so young they never really had to grow up.”

And it shows in their music.

Henley is a master lyricist and an incredible singer and he had an amazing line I have quoted a lot about the trappings of fame:

“What do you do when your dreams come true and it’s not quite like you planned?”

You have the decency to stop whining about it.

Here is my question: What do you do when you wake up one day and find out the rebel/rocker idol band of your youth was really just a bunch of spoiled and drugged-up studio musicians?

But looking back at the favorite band of your youth is like looking back at your old high school crushes. Now I can clearly see they were mostly shallow, vain, emotional blackmailers who were raised from birth to be gold-diggers. But does that mean I wasn't smitten and heartbroken at the time? No.  

So what if the Eagles were really record company marketing executives disguised with long hair, mustaches and turquoise jewelry?  That doesn't mean "Desperado" isn't a great song. It is. 

Part of me will always love the Eagles. But, for the first time,  now I can see why some people hate them. Especially when you even think about listening to "Disco Strangler."

Friday, January 16, 2009

These just in:

New York Knicks center, Eddy Curry, was charged with sexual harassment by his male ex-driver; not to get into details, but leave it to a Knick to come up with a new way to suck.

Guess what the name was of the first boat captain to reach the US Airways plane in the Hudson river? Vincent Lombardi. Yeah, apparently, of the survivors, he said “Swimming isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”
Find a runway and put her down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold was it?
It is so cold in Pennsylvania, an Amish guy plugged in an electric space heater next to his Amish Miracle Fireplace Mantle.

Good news, bad news
The good news is everyone survived the US Airways crash land in the Hudson river, the bad news? They charged the passengers an extra $100 for Circle Line river excursion. 

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
There was an awkward moment at the White House, when they asked President Bush if he was getting contemplative, Bush said; “No, that’s why I take lots of fiber.”

My mistake
L.A. is infested with raccoons. Today I saw the scariest raccoon, it was foaming at the nose and mouth, had black circles around its beady eyes, wild fur . . . no, wait, that was Amy Winehouse.

Not nice
President Bush has just one more week to go so he is trying to tie up all loose ends. For example Bush has yet to find the penny Dick Cheney told him he hid in the corner of the Oval office.

How cold was it, 2
It was over 40 degrees below zero in Minnesota. It was so cold, comedian/senator Al Franken demanded a temperature recount.

Not good
Yesterday was a bad day. I tried to update my MySpace page but I think I accidentally turned myself in to Homeland Security.

Such a kvetcher you shouldn’t believe
Ponzie scammer Bernard Madoff has been sentenced to house arrest in his penthouse. But for those who think he’s getting off easy, remember, Madoff is confined with his Jewish wife: “Why don’t you ever take me to dinner? Not for nothing, you don’t know from investing. Oy vey.”

Why back in my day . . .
In Pennsylvania, a 17-year-old-girl and her 17-year-old boyfriend were arrested because she sexted him naked text pictures. Why, when I was seventeen, my seventeen-year-old girlfriend never sent me any naked text pictures. No, sir, she had to chisel a naked picture of herself on a rock and throw it inside my cave.

You know what I would have called it if my 17-year-old girlfriend had sent me a naked text picture? Awesome.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it, 2
President Bush and his father will set a precedent for being the first ex-president father and son in the modern era. It was awkward, when they asked President Bush how it felt to set a precedent, Bush replied “Excuse me, it’s pronounced President. Duh.”

Since you asked:

Big football weekend as we are down to the final four. Often this is the best game of the year and the Super Bowl sucks, but that was not the case in 2008. To be candid, in the NFC title, I can't decide to go with the team I really don't care about or the one I don't give a rat's ass about. 

Now over in the AFC, it's even tougher: do I go with that team with the guy who killed a guy or the team with the guy who tried to kill himself? Either way it will be an epic struggle between a team that has no appeal to me at all or the team I have never ever liked since I was a kid. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

That how we sway and play up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A weeping Brett Favre announced he does not know if he is going to return next season. In these uncertain times it’s nice to know there is something you can count on happening each and every year, like a weeping Brett Favre announcing he doesn’t know if he is returning next season.

Lord knows I loves me some Brett Favre, but it is time for him to Leavre. 

Did you see the Golden Globe Awards? They serve booze at the Golden Globe Awards. In fact, Angelina Jolie got so tipsy, she accidentally adopted David Spade.

Barack Obama is going to take an Amtrack train to Washington DC and then his new GM Limo to the inauguration. As a result, oddsmakers give Obama 4-1 he won’t make it to his inauguration.

At his last White House press conference, there was an awkward moment when President Bush was asked how he would defend his legacy, Bush said; “To be honest, I don’t play those complicated video games.”

Did you see President Bush got emotional at his last press conference? It was awkward, Bush choked up when they told him he doesn’t get to keep Air Force One.

Prince Harry angered Muslims for calling a Pakistani as “a Paki” and a Muslim “a rag-head.” In fact, one Muslim reporter was so upset, he threw his shoes at Prince Harry.

Line of the Week:

From "Two and a Half Men"

Jake gets up from the deck and heads inside. His dad, Allen, asks him; 

"Where are you going?"

"I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm  going?" 

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Give that booty some attitudie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That hurts

A woman in Australia was arrested after she caught her husband cheating and set his genitals on fire; and she added insult to injury; she called it throwing his shrimp on the Bar-B.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it

There was an awkward moment today at his last White House press conference when President Bush was asked to defend his legacy, he said; “Well, I don’t drive a Legacy, at the ranch in Crawford I got me a Ford Expedition.”


In Beijing, Gu Gu the panda bit a guy, this  is the third time this has happened, who snuck into her enclosure. China may want to rethink their one-child-only policy if these guys are trying to sneak up on a panda.

Won that also

Mickey Rourke won best actor for “The Wrestler” at the Golden Globes, Rourke also won the less coveted “Actor Most Likely To Sqweegie your Windshield.”


The Adult Entertainment Industry, the porn folks, are asking the government for a $5 billion bail out. Talk about a money shot . . .


A Massachusetts teacher was arrested and accused of having sex with her teenage male student over 300 times. That has to be embarrassing for the boy because, as we all know, if you don’t do something right, teachers make you do it over and over and over again.

Porn bail out, take two

Although they need help, the porn folks want to make it clear that the bail out will be paid back, it is not a hand job, err, I mean hand out.

. . and three

A lot of people are against this, they’re afraid if they give the porn industry a bail out they’ll just blow it.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

We are a go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Doing the math and the teacher

A Massachusetts teacher is in jail for having sex 300 times in less than two years with her teenage boy student. Seriously, they announced they had sex over 300 times in less than two years. Was it really necessary to also mention he was a teenage boy?  

How cold was it?

It was cold here in Los Angeles, in Hollywood the mercury dipped below 32 degrees in Jeremy Piven.

Liar, liar, panties on fire

Katy Perry is nominated for a Grammy. Katy Perry is that pretty brunette who sang “I Kissed A Girl.” But in interviews Katy says she has never kissed nor been with a girl. But don’t worry, guys, we know how much those pop singers lie. I mean, Madonna once sang “Like a Virgin.”

Not as well known

Officials are still figuring out the damage in the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme. Whereas I lost a lot of money in the lesser known Potsie scheme: my money was stolen by a dork in a 50’s diner.

Motor City Sadness

The Detroit Lions went 0-16, the Tigers and Pistons are bad, their auto industry is in the tank, to give you an idea how rough it has gotten, people in Detroit are renting time-shares in Gaza.

The New York Giants play the Philadelphia Eagles in the Toughest Fans Bowl. New York fans are rough but not as rough as Philadelphia fans. Philadelphia fans boo their grandmothers if they lose at Cribbage. “Why did you discard the jack? Nanna, you suck.”

The New York Giants play the Philadelphia Eagles in the Toughest Fans Bowl. New York fans are rough but not as rough as Philadelphia fans. Philadelphia fans boo the losers in the annual Christmas Orphan’s basketball tournament. “Good thing your parents can’t see how bad you are.”

Not good
With the success of “Marley & Me” Hollywood is in a rush to green light dog movies. One that doesn’t sound so great is about a guy who gets beat up by a biker gang when his Labrador pees on their motorcycles. It's called; “Harley & Me.”

An Australian woman, who found out her husband was cheating, was arrested for setting his genitals on fire. He's is going to be OK, but for a while there his junk was burning worse than a guy who dated Paris Hilton. 

Saw that coming . . . dooh
Remember the Texas preacher who challenged his flock to have sex every day that week and report back the next Sunday?  Talk about your missionary position . . .

Can you imagine? The preacher yells: 

"Raise your arm if you had sex all seven days. " 

"Beatrice, sweety, why is your arm up in the air if I was out of town last week?"

Prince Harry - a famous non-genius - was caught on tape saying raghead calling a Pakistani a Paki, terms Muslims have chosen to find offensive. Once again, the real crime here was stupidity. You would have to be stupid to be a Prince of England and not know those comments would cause a stink. Harry is stupid. 

But Paki? What if someone called me,  being from San Diego,  a Sandy? Why would that be offensive? Raghead? Listen, if you wear a cloth on your head you very well may get described by people without cloths on their heads as someone who wears a cloth on your head. Diaper head? Now that is offensive because it is intended to offend. But it's also a cloth. 

And yet Muslims are free and open to call all of us non-Muslims Kafirs. That is an Islamic term so obscene it is banned by the Koran, and yet it is used by Muslims to describe non Muslims freely and openly. Literally it means coward or one who covers up or hides, but it really means a vile, filthy non-believer who should be destroyed but who is not worthy of a bullet.

What's that proverbial prayer? Lord protect us from those who think they know you the best. 
Well-known devout Christian missionary, Florida QB Tim Tebow, was flagged for taunting during the Gator's BCS win over Oklahoma by giving a Sooner player the arm-clapping Gator chop. Prior to this the only penalty Tebow received was for turning the sideline Gatorade into wine without a liquor license. 

Not to be cynical, but anyone who thinks Tim Tebow is the next patron Saint of the NFL, I have two words of caution: Todd Marinovich. Listen, nobody would like it more than me if it does turn out that Tim Tebow turns out to be Albert Schweitzer in cleats. And he seems to be on his way. But, sadly, if the NFL has taught us anything, it is that anyone who seems too good to be true probably is. 

Still don't believe me? I have nine words of caution: OJ Simpson is in the NFL Hall of Fame.  

And, no, I am not comparing Tebow to Simpson, I am just saying . . .

As I said before, when it comes to his missionary work, it is beyond great how Tim Tebow walks the walk. But all of his talk the talk makes me uneasy. 

Some NFL Hall of Fame'r who played with and or against Jim Brown, on assurance of anonymity, told a reporter that Jim Brown - who does incredible charity work gang counseling for the LA community - was the number one worst human being who ever played in the NFL. Ten times worse than the top ten worst human beings to ever play in the NFL, and that list does not even include OJ Simpson, a fairly well-known double murderer.  

Exactly what dirt this Hall of Fame guy had on Brown he refused to say, but it was obviously even more than the common knowledge of Brown's penchant for beating up women - he has done time for beating his wife - so it has to be pretty shocking. 

A forensic expert in the murder trial of Baltimore Ravens Ray Lewis said the amount of blood on Lewis's mink coat meant one of two things: either Lewis stabbed the victim or he held the victim while the killer stabbed him. But Lewis - also a devout Christian - walked on a technicality while snitching on his entourage flunky who took the fall and went to prison. 

And yet I cheered like everybody else, yesterday, when Lewis clocked that running back so hard his helmet flew back ten yards. 

Any system that tolerates so much garbage from their egomaniacs, as does Illinois with their politicians, in the NFL the potential for bad behavior and world class hypocrisy is unlimited. 

Need another example?

After spending the morning praising god for turning his life around on one of the bigger local radio stations I write for, a former all-pro, Hall-of-Fame Dallas Cowboy exposed himself to the pretty young assistant producer who was driving him back to his hotel demanding she give him oral sex.  

Why didn't she press charges against god boy? He threatened her life if she did. For the pretty a.p.'s sake, I won't say his name, but it rhymes with Schmichael Smirving. 

Incidentally, that is the same guy who sneered at me and walked away at a Super Bowl press conference when I merely inquired about the surgeon I knew - a once great decathlete - who operated on his injury.  


New Pet Peeve:


And don't even get me started on the OVR function on Microsoft's Word. Why can't I remove it? If you backspace, the system automatically assumes you want to write over everything you have written and I never, ever, want to do that. You have to back up and double click on OVR to stop it.  

Get this for my Charger's game strategy: going to the gym and work out with my head down and my iPod on, trying to ignore any cheering, while I record the game on the DVR. That way I can work out in an uncrowded gym - we are quitting it after this month. It is way too crowded. They oversold the memberships by ten times - and then speeding up through the commercials during the game while grilling a New York Strip with a twice baked garlic and Parmesan cheese potato with an iceberg lettuce salad.  And a cheap but good Australian Cabernet.