It’s gonna do what it do when it do what it do how it do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
How . . . rainy . . . is . . .it?
It is raining so hard in New York that the KFC/Taco Bell rats have defected to Quiznos so they can ride the oven-toaster conveyer belt to dry off.
It is raining so much in New York, three Yankee pitchers accidentally floated back to Cuba.
It is so rainy in New York the cab drivers are wearing their Burberry turbans.Central, Central, Central Intelligence Agency
An internal study by the CIA reveals that the CIA mishandled information that could have stopped the terrorist attacks of September 11th . Another inside CIA study reveals that this study by the CIA was also mishandled by the CIA.Caddy Whacked
Bill Murray could be arrested for drunk driving while driving a golf cart in Sweden. Sweden is tough on drunk drivers. Murray could be more screwed than he was after making “Scrooged.”Suspicious
In Japan, the world’s oldest person, a woman, died at 114. It’s starting to seem like the title World’s Oldest person is more lethal than the title: Phil Spector’s girlfriend.
In Japan, the world’s oldest person, a woman, died at 114. What’s with all of these world oldest person’s dying? Is there like a world’s oldest person serial killer?They just don’t speak as goodly as they used to
On this week in 1940, Winston Churchill honored the Royal Air Force by saying; “Never in the field of human conflict have so many owed so much to so few.” Kind of makes President Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” look like a Tootsie Roll in the punch bowl, don’t it?Sheesh
A study indicates that people are getting more and more impatient and rude. Or something like that, like I have time to read some jerk-off’s study.We must be up to Super Bowl Sixty Nine
Fox announced that the host of the Super Bowl is Ryan Seacrest. Fox better hope that San Francisco and Miami make the Super Bowl because those are the only cities with enough gay people who will watch Ryan Seacrest host a Super Bowl.
Apparently Fox felt that the Super Bowl just wasn’t quite gay enough beforeSafety tip
A China Airlines flight landed in Japan and, after the passengers got off, the airplane burst into a fireball; folks, please, this is what happens when you don’t put your trey table in its full upright and locked position.My mistake
More information is coming out of the Michael Vick case. Apparently the dogs were loaded up on steroids and then taught to viciously attack their opponent’s throat. Oh, wait, sorry, that was Rosie O’Donnell.You had to be there
It is raining so hard in New York City, today Tiki Barber accused Eli Manning of being pruny.
“Little Women” author Louisa May Alcott was diagnosed with Lupus 119-years after her death. And you thought your HMO was slow.Since you asked:
Let us play another round of the new and exciting “A.L.b.b.” game that is sweeping the country:
Hot or Not? Lex can’t decide.
Reece Witherspoon? Not. Although she gets many points for the saucy under bite. She can be made to be hot, but let’s be clear about something. Anyone can be made to be hot. Well, anyone but Rosie O’Donnell. With enough make up and C.G.I. I can be made hot and I look like a cross between Ike on “Tombstone” and Keifer Sutherland after a two month suicide-attempt Margarita and Burrito jag in Cabo San Lucas.
Claire Danes? Hot. No question. And how about her dancing on that GAP commercial? Woof.
Gabrielle Reece? Hot. She is real life hot. Meaning I am sure she looks even hotter in real life than in photo shoots and commercials because she is so athletic and healthy. And I am not just sucking up to her hubby Laird Hamilton because I want some free Stand Up Paddleboard gear. But in case he does read this, Laird, I am a whore and I can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org
Zooey Deschanel? Hot. But she gets many points off for her contribution to that really annoying trend of annoyingly weird actress names like Sigorney Chloe Savignie America Ferrara Benicio Del Toro (OK, so he is a guy) Marissa Hargitay Zeta-Jones-Sarah Jessica (Pick a f*ckin’ name) Parker Broderick Gwenyth Paltrow Dakota Fanning .
Helena Bohnam Carter? Hot but points off for the three name thing. There is something so hippy/sexy/mysterious/kinky/cool/hip/coffee house/slut about her. She makes smoking cool again.
Renee Zellweger? Not. Sorry, but that time she got uglied up for that Civil War movie killed it for me. And if I had to hear one more time about how hard it was for her to lose and gain weight for the “Bridget Jones Diaries” movies I was going to go “Raging Bull” on my own ass.
Laura Linney? Hot. Gotta say she smolders in a not beautiful but hot MILF big time way.
Jessica Alba? What do you think? If you don’t think she is hot you have a future in interior decorating.
Meg Ryan? Not. This one hurts because she has a great non-funky name and, in her day, she personally shoved really cute all the way over to hot. But somebody should have told her plastic surgeon to stop with the lip collagen somewhere before Platypus.
Hillary Duff? She is too young for me to make a call without feeling like a perv.
Kate Hudson? Hot, but she loses a ton of points with her bad habit of dating ugly rock stars.