Saturday, March 29, 2003

You gots to roll with it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Moore is less
The reason Michael Moore loves causing controversy is that, unlike in his earlier life, he can now annoy people without ending up with his head in a flushed toilet.

If it’s true that Hollywood is like high school with money, doesn’t Michael Moore look like the guy voted most likely to get a swirlie?

Doesn’t Michael Moore look like that one guy in high school gym class who could never figure out how to correctly wear the athletic supporter?

“No, Michael, for the last time, it goes on the inside.”

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Here’s the deal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The two best things about being a parent are, A: The intense and unqualified love who have for your child, and B: Messin' with ‘em.

I didn’t know it until I had my own kid, but my Dad was a master at messin' with us. For example, he would intentionally mispronounce Mick Jagger’s name just for the entertainment of seeing me go bananas:

“What's this singer’s name doing this Jumpin’ Jack song, Son? Mike Jackman?”

I would flounce, slump, stomp and whine as only a hormone enraged teenager can and then scream;

“Noooooo! It’s Mick Jagger. Duuuuuuuuuuh!”

And I thought he was the idiot.

Well, once, by accident, I misnamed my three-year-old daughter Ann Caroline’s favorite show, “Square Bob Sponge Pants” as “Square Pants Sponge Bog.” Oh my word: sudden loud whaling and finger pointing as she yelled;

“No, no, no, that is wery, wery wrong (very is her only adverb, pronounced wery) “It is “Sponge Bob Square Pants, Daaaaaaaaaaaddy”

She then disgustedly folded her arms and uttered her first; "Humph!"

So, naturally, I would mispronounce “Sponge Bob Square Pants” every chance I could get and then sit back and enjoy the show.

One day I was driving her home from pre-school and I could hardly wait for the "Sponge Bob" fire works:

“Hey, punkin'", I asked mischievously, "When we get home, do you want to watch "Pants Sponge Bob Square?”

Shockingly, there was no reaction. Is this game over, I wondered? Just then I heard this little sigh of frustration followed my daughter saying very patiently and sweetly;


"Yes, honey?"

"Say Sponge . . . Say Bob . . .”

P.S. It has been since '87 that he passed away and I still miss my Dad every single day.

Oh, see, now why you got to go and be all of that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Iron Mouthed Mike
Mike Tyson is scheduled to co-host on “Jimmy Kimmell Live.” Mike Tyson is famous for his malaprops and mispronunciations. He referred to oblivion as Bolivian, he referred to the Maori tattoo on his face as Mayan. But keep in mind, Mike has a very specific mental condition that causes these verbal mistakes. It’s called: stupidity.

I got my money on Monday
Jimmy Kimmel’s guest host next week is Mike Tyson. It’s true. In Las Vegas you can get odds on what day Iron Mike snaps and beats up Jimmy Kimmell.

Since you asked:

For those actually reading this column, first, I am truly sorry. Second, this is the part where I rant and rave. Not everything on this site is going to be funny. (Yeah, we know Alex, but how about something being funny once in a great while?) Hey, shut up. (No, you shut up) Look at me, I am arguing with my own diatribe.

Anyway, speaking of Jimmy Kimmell, I am a huge fan and I hope his show, "Jimmy Kimmell Live" does very well. Have you seen Jimmy on Fox Sports NFL show with hosts Jim Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Chis Collinsworth and Howie Long? Kimmell is nothing short of hilarious. Among other things, Kimmell makes fun of the hosts and the only two who get it are Jim Brown and Chris Collinsworth. It turns out Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw are such huge egomaniacs that they not only can't take a joke, they despise Kimmell for making jokes about them.

I used to like Terry Bradshaw, but it turns out the entire "Awww shucks, ain't I a cute hick?" routine is a fallacy and a ruse. Bradshaw is a total Primma Donna. To quote a line from Patton in "Patton."

"Hell, I know I'm a Primma Donna, hell, I admit it. The thing I hate about (General) Montgomery is he won't admit it."

Same thing goes with Bradshaw.

And Howie Long? He thinks he is some kind of NFL Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld. The guy could not possibly take himself any more seriously. He delivers his predictions with the earnestness of a judge sentencing someone to death. Lighten up, steroid boy. And those dorky glasses you think help make you look intellectual? If you think you are so smart, how come you haven't heard of laser surgery, Sgt. Bulka. (Quick, name the movie reference. Wrong. Sgt. Hulka from "Stripes.")

Good luck Jimmy Kimmell. And Terry Bradshaw? Dial 10-10-220 and call someone who gives a rat's ass. Alf has more talent in those commercials in one of his little furry alien fingers than you will ever have. And Howie Long? Will history ever forgive you for making those wildly awful Radio Shack commercials with that actress with the drug problem and eating disorder, Teri Hatcher? It is too soon to tell.*

Torn Slattern and Nugget Rancher vital information section:

Advice # 1.Slats and Nuggies, if you are tragically inflicted with the inflictions of being both lazy and stupid, as I am, then there is something important to know. You can actually allow Word by Microsoft to do your thinking for you.

It's easy. Write a word that you typically know is not only inappropriate, but misspelled. Word will then correct your spelling. Then use the Thesaurus ( I did this just now with Thesaurus. I spelled it Theesaoris, which is either a dinosaur or a skin condition) to select the right word. It takes a few keystrokes but it is vastly easier then actually taking the time to learn something.

Advice # 2. Lex's Law: When someone asks you a question, rather than going to the painful effort of giving the right answer, or, god forbid, finding out the right answer, you reply the following of two ways: A, It is too soon to tell, or B, It is too close to call.

Example: Will the war hurt the economy? It is too soon to tell. Which has had more of an impact on communication in our culture, the Internet or Cell Phones? It's too close to call. See? You can't tell, from these answers, that I am actually stupid. Does anyone have Mike Tyson's phone number?

The corollary to Lex's Law: If, for whatever reason, neither of these two work, then use the fail-safe fake answer my parents used when I asked for help on my homework:

I'd like to give you the answer, but I think it would be better for you to find it out yourself.

This corollary is not a good one to use on teachers. I found that out the hard way.

The first of these pearls of non-wisdom came from a very funny writer, Calvin Trillin. He said that his math teachers never understood that his answers were meant to be ironic. Ditto on that in spades, my man. Ditto on that in spades.

This is how old I am: When I grew up, we didn’t have attention deficit disorder, bi-polarism or dyslexia. We just had this thing called dumb people. That’s right, we were all unfairly lumped together.

And the people who would now be labeled Mentally Challenged? They were known, affectionately, as slow. Slow is so much sweeter than Mentally Challenged. You can practically smell the bad breath and see the nose hairs and dandruff of the analyst who invented the phrase Mentally Challenged. And the severely mentally challenged? You know what we called them? French.

Merci, merci, je serai ici toute semaine. Essayer le veau (Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, try the veal)

E-mail me folks, on what you think at

(Why didn't I link this to do that cool E-mail- automatically-address-the-letter thingy? Aren't you listening? I am too dumb and lazy. Sheesh. Don't make me come up there)


Here is an example of an e-mail I received.

Dear Alex:

Since your “comedy” column is not actually funny, what is it really being used for? Tell the truth, you are inserting encrypted messages to our spies overseas, aren’t you?”

General Tallywacker, The Pentagon.

Here is my response:

Dear General:

Drop down and give me twenty. (I’ve always wanted to say that.) But seriously, you don’t actually think that I am using this vitally important comedy vehicle as a tool for the special forces or the CIA do you? Why, that would be like writing the words; The moon is rising over the night of destiny. Repeat, The moon is rising over the night of destiny. Proceed with extreme prejudice.

What kind of sleaze-bag would pretend to be a CIA agent just to garner some cheap publicity? Come on. I gotta go, Chuck Berris is calling me.

Sincerely Stealing that bit from a Letterman Top Ten Bit,


And another thing:

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Now are you feelin' the love, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Oh, get over yourselves, Supreme Court persons
A gay-rights case before the Supreme court tests a ruling that upheld a ban on homosexual sex. Today the court heard oral arguments. Tomorrow they talk about all the other stuff.

Method to the badness
Last night CBS had a one-hour special, Celine Dion live in concert. This concert was broadcast at the exact same time we are trying to get Iraq to surrender. Coincidence? I think not.

If you don’t write I’m opposed to violence, I’ll kill you
At an Oscar Party, Tim Robbins came up to this Washington Post reporter and threatened him not to ever write about him and his family again. So Robbins is OK with Saddam killing and torturing, but if Saddam ever wrote a piece about Robbin’s family, then he would want him dead.

As they separated the two, Robbins yelled to the reporter; “If you don’t believe I’m for peace, I’ll kill you.”

Can I just say one thing? Ewwwww
Roman Polanski could not make it to the Oscars to pick up his best director award. He was babysitting.

It’s not just me
Did you see Michael Moore at the Oscars in his tuxedo? Was it just me, or did Moore look like the high school shop teach chaperoning at the Prom?

Now that’s embarrassing
It happened again. This time a woman in long island is accused of running over her husband with her mini van over a house payment argument. At least the guy in Texas got it from a Mercedes over a girlfriend. Who would’ve thought he’d wind up the lucky one?

That and wine and whining
According to the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, the more female friends you have, the less likely you are to have a heart attack. So apparently gossip cures heart disease.

Off the air
Iraqi television is now off the air. Kind of like Connie Chung.

Cheap shot
New evidence reveals that Neanderthals were not the ham-fisted cavemen often portrayed in cartoons, but had at least as much coordination and dexterity as modern humans. And even more coordinated than the New York Mets.

Can just say one thing? Ewwwww, two
The Supreme Court probably will strike down a Texas law that makes sodomy illegal. Apparently the case against the anti-sodomy law has a lot of force behind it.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Y'all ain't gonna believe this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So it’s down to them
Iraqis troops in Basra are apparently opposing Saddam Hussein's government. So that means now the only people who still support Hussein are the Republican Army, his top aides, and Michael Moore.

People are still wondering if Saddam Hussein still has control of Iraq. Have they seen video of the bombing of Baghdad? Saddam doesn’t have control of his bowels right now.

Hold the foam
Arkansas is getting its first Starbucks in the Little Rock area. In honor of the nearby Clinton Library, the sizes are short, tall, grande and Monica.

They have a drink called the Monica Lewinski. The Monica comes with an extra shot, but it ends up on a blue dress. (Folks, you have to understand, for a comedy writer to give up Clinton would be like asking a lawyer to give up lying)

And the winner is . . . CBS, NBC and HBO
The ratings are in for the Oscars and they are the lowest in almost thirty years. And that is even before Michael Moore opened his big yapper.

Roman Polanski won the Oscar for best director. Is that a good idea? Should we really give this guy a statue of a naked little person?

And the real loser is . . . .
Did you see Michael Moore at the Oscars? In his tuxedo, Moore looked more like the guy taking your ticket at the movie, not like a guy picking up an Oscar.

And the loser is . . . Barbra
At the Oscars, did you see the expression on Barbra Streisand’s face when she had to read that Eminem won the Oscar for best song? Babs was so disgusted you’d think she had to kiss Rush Limbaugh.

It’s not that Barbra doesn’t like Eminem, but ever since she has been on a low carb diet, Eminem reminds Barbra she can’t eat M&M’s.

Team Flipper
The Navy is using four dolphins, using their natural sonar abilities, to seek out mines or other explosive devices in Iraq. That has to be PETA supporter and war-protester Chrissie Hynde’s worst nightmare since she dreamed she hosted the Tammy Wynett Karaoke contest.

Using mammals to defeat Iraq. In fact, I think they call that Operation Chrissie Hynde’s nightmare.

Sweet sixteen and never been, well . . .
Well folks, it’s down to the sweet sixteen. But enough about the girl Roman Polanski is dating, how about that NCAA tournament?

The big Cinderella story in the NCAA tournament is Butler University of Indianapolis, Indiana. On Friday, if Butler can defeat number one seed Oklahoma, then every sports section in the country, that hasn’t already done it, can write the headline; “The Butler Did It”

Number #12 seeded Butler, a small school in Indiana, ousted #4 Louisville in a huge upset to advance to the sweet 16. Butler wouldn’t even have made it to the NCAA tournament, (Or as Vinny would say, Torn-ament) if the shortest and worst guy on the team hadn’t sank two underhand clutch free throws at the last minute of their conference game. Or was that in “Hoosiers”? Never mind.

I like Butler's chances against number one Oklahoma Friday. See, they held a town meeting and voted to oust the coach. But the best player backed him up, so they voted verbally, tore up the first results and declared; "Coach stays." Or was that in "Hoosiers"? Never mind.

Since you asked:

After the Oscars, I am more confused about Hollywood then ever. Let me see if I have this straight: Anyone who wants to get rid of a mass-murdering evil tyrant, Saddam Hussein, is bad. But a guy convicted of raping and sodomizing a 13-year-old girl, Roman Polanski, gets a standing ovation and an Oscar. And celebrities wonder why we think they are strange.

Hollywood is amazing. It took a guy who became famous for making documentaries that make fun of rich, out-of-touch, self-righteous, elitist jerks, Michael Moore, and it turned him, Michael Moore, into a rich, out-of-touch, self-righteous elitist jerk.

Monday, March 24, 2003

That’s how we roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh yeah, and that other thing
Can you believe what is happening in the news? It is hard to think about anything else, but we have to get on with our lives. But enough about Angelina Jolie’s Oscar dress being stolen . . .

Tres chic? Non.
How unpopular is France right now? To give you an idea, even Frasier and Niles Crane stopped sprinkling their conversations with French expressions.

And the loser is . . .
Did you hear how best documentary Oscar recipient Michael Moore got boo’d during his speech? I’m not positive, but I think I heard him say at the end: “You hate me, you really, really hate me.”

It’s taken 19 long years, but, thanks to Michael Moore, Sally Field is finally off the hook for the worst Oscar speech with her “you really, really like me” in 1984

Nicole Kidman donned a prosthetic nose and won the Oscar for best actress for “The Hours.” In a related story, for her next movie, Madonna asked to borrow Michael Jackson’s nose.

In a surprise move, Adrien Brody won best actor for “Pianist.” In addition, Brody also won the kd Lang look-alike contest.

What did they call it?
The Army's 3rd Infantry Division dashed north toward the Shiite holy city of Karbala, only 50 miles south of Baghdad. That’s weird. My first apartment was also a Shiite holy.

Come on, Karbala may not be Monte Carlo, but I don’t think it’s fair to call it a Shiite Holy.

When asked to comment about Karbala, President Bush said; "I don't know about Karbala, but Brownesville Texas, now there is one Shiite Holy."

Hold it Tiger, hold it Tiger
Tiger Woods, sick from bad pasta prepared by his Swedish bikini model girlfriend, Elin Nordegren, Woods won the Bay Hill Invitational for the fourth time by 11 strokes. Hey Tiger, you just won almost a million dollars, don’t be afraid to go out to dinner.

In a related poll, 96% of all guys would still eat Elin Nordegren’s pasta even if they knew it had food poisoning.

In another related story, Tiger just picked up another sponsor: Chef Boyardee.

That’s how attractive Tiger’s bikini model girlfriend is, Tiger even braved eating plate of her Penne and Lute fish.

Since you asked:

Our two yellow Labradors – Kasey is the slightly sharper one who looks like a honey bear and Wrigley is the sweeter one who could use a bit more more sense and looks like a smaller white hound dog – launched an all out assault on our neighborhood rabbit yesterday morning. (Obviously inspired by Operation Shock and Awe, they have dubbed it Operation Shake and Paw)

The first phase was marked by furious back and forth running from the East and West sides of our lawn where the rabbit enters and exits. Once they determined the rabbit was no longer on the premises, they decided to begin excavation past the bushes under the East fence in order to pursue. Wrigley dug while Kasey observed.

Soon Wrigley was about halfway out when I decided operation Shake and Paw needed to be diverted, so I filled up the hole with a shovel thus marking my only attempt at lawn work this year. And, as I have read you are to do to dissuade doggy digging, I liberally sprinkled the area with Chili pepper flakes. Kasey took one whiff and wisely avoided the area, Wrigley, however, sneezed all morning long.

Speaking of Labradors, I hope I have done a service just in time. My cousin Jack - a great and cool guy, by the way - just got, like all right thinking pet owners, a yellow lab puppy. But they were about to name the poor dog Scooter - people, never, ever let the kids name the dog - when I intervened. The man is a diehard Redskins fan so I suggested Riggins, after the Hall of Fame running back John Riggins. I did good, huh?