Saturday, July 31, 2010

Boogie on reggae woman, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President Barack Obama prepared for his appearance on “The View” He had lunch with Joe Biden just to practice trying to get a word in edgewise.

France has officially declared war on al Qaeda. Al Qaeda is officially laughing its ass off.

In Florida, a person called 911 furious because a McDonalds had run out of chicken nuggets. The person called 911 three times. That is silly. Now if they were out of French fries, well, sure, call 911 three times.

Wikileaks posted 200,000 pages of Military secrets. One of the most shocking secrets? Osama bin Laden is crushed he wasn’t invited to Chelsea Clinton’s wedding.

Yet another Mel Gibson phone rant is on the Internet. But I think Mel’s rants are running out of steam. In the last one he called his ex-girlfriend a stinker-pants and doodie-head.

Wikileaks posted 200,000 pages of Military secrets. One of the most shocking secrets? Osama bin Laden is on twitter under the username Bieber-Dude.

In Florida, a person called 911 furious because a McDonalds had run out of chicken McNuggets. The person called 911 three times. Mel Gibson really has to get his anger issues under control.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he believed the show “Jersey Shore” gives a negative perception of New Jersey. To which the cast of “Jersey Shore” grabbed its groin and yelled: “Yo, Gov, I got youse negative-isity right here, oooewww.”

For his daughter Chelsea’s wedding this weekend, Bill Clinton had to drop 30 pounds, and he did it. He cut out one meal a day and increased his exercise to five interns a week.

If you’ve never seen “Jersey Shore” here’s pretty much what happens: in the day they go to tanning salons, at night they go out to nightclubs, they get drunk, they get in fights and then hook up with a one night stand. It’s like watching congress on C-Span. Same thing.

Our pets are getting too fat. Obesity in US pets is way up. You remember the first dog, Bo? Now Bo is so fat, he is the first and second dog.

In China, a 16-year-old boy walked into the hospital with a 10-inch knife stuck in his skull. He’s going to be fine, but Nike is pissed he had to leave the factory to get treated.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Remember when rock bands looked cool and not like those a-holes with the thumb-rings and wool hats at the coffee shop?

I don’t want no tutti-frutti, no lollipop, come on baby let’s rock, rock, rock, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hard to believe it is almost August, isn’t it? This summer went by faster than a Mel Gibson phone rant gets put on the Internet.

Outgoing BP CEO Tony Hayward says, after the spill, he was demonized and vilified; so apparently Hayward has the Rev. Jesse Jackson writing his speeches.

Another Mel Gibson phone rant has surfaced. Although, I am starting to think Mel is running out of steam. On this phone rant he called his ex-girlfriend a poopy head and a doo-doo brain.

Outgoing BP CEO Tony Hayward says, after the spill, he was demonized and vilified; who does this weasel think he is? Dr. Seuss? “I was demonized, was I, vilified and ostracized, criticized besides mystified and horrified with a side of terrorized. That’s where I reside.”

Since you asked:

Don’t you hate it when people tell you that you have to do something? Having said that, you have to watch “Louie” on Tuesdays on FX. (Check your local schedule)

I’m already a huge Louis C.K. fan and have been for at least ten years. From his bit about the cops asking him to lift his scrotum and he asked “With my hands?” and "Do you ever keep seeing the same person you don't know?"

Louis C.K's comedy derives from a deep well of brutal honesty combined with the fact he is very smart and doesn't eff around. At all.

His show swings from wildly funny – the scenes with Ricky Gervais as an a-hole doctor are tear-inducing funny – to gross to hard-to-watch to sweet. The show is an anti-Disney show that features no hackneyed situation comedy routines, hip phrases, no routines of any kind.

Each “Louie” show takes on a life of its own, either focusing on his stand up routines or his daily life or branching out on a wild farce. You honestly cannot tell what is scripted and what is actually happening.

You also have to see “Between Two Ferns” with Zach Galifinakis and Steve Carrell on “Funny or Die.”

But besides watching “Louie” on FX and Steve Carrell on Zach’s “Between Two Ferns” don’t let anyone tell you what you should or should not do.

Oh, and you have to download Led Zeppelin's "Boogie with Stu" from "Physical Graffitti" from iTunes. Just try and keep dem toes from a tappin all up in here, up in here.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Get wit it ‘till ya quit it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was so hot in New York, people went to a Mets game just to see their playoff chances cool off.

Comic-Con, a four day long convention honoring comic books and science fiction, ended in San Diego last week. In a related story, the San Diego hookers are rested after those four days off.

It was hot in New York City. In Manhattan people were sweating like Mel Gibson at a Snoop Dog concert.

It was hot in New York City. In Manhattan the taxicab drivers were shoving popsicles up their turbans.

It was hot in New York City. In Manhattan the taxicab drivers rubbed their pine scented car freshener on their under arms.

It was so hot in New York City, the Times Square hookers were offering a Mel Gibson special: for an extra $100 they’ll swear at you until your career is cold.

BP’s little weasel CEO, Tony Hayward, stepped down. The good news for Hayward? He gets a $23 million bonus. The bad news? They are paying him in crude oil redeemable on the beaches of the Gulf of Mexico.

In Cardiff, an oft-mocked surfer statue was surrounded by a 20-foot fake shark. Why is the statue mocked? Surfer’s say the statue’s pose is a little too flamboyant. How flamboyant? Let’s just say the Cardiff surf statue makes Adam Lambert look like Tom Brady.

In Cardiff, an oft-mocked surfing statue was engulfed by a 20-foot fake shark. Why is the surfer statue mocked? The surfer’s pose is a considered, well, too flamboyant. On a movie scale, the statue is closer to “Twilight Saga: Eclipse” than the more macho “Brokeback Mountain.”

Since you asked:

Whew doggies, I went old school on my own tuchus last nicht.

Thawed an Omaha Steak filet mignon and marinated it in olive oil and garlic powder. Seared just a minute each side then put on lower heat until perfectly medium rare. Pink and juicy, no cold parts, no grey dry parts. Smothered in A1 sauce sprinkled with sea salt.

Served with Omaha’s au gratin potatoes, which are really like big, hacky sack-sized tater tots drizzled in ketchup and a shredded carrot and iceberg salad with Ranch dressing. Glass of Cabernet and a DVR’d Cubs game.

It was like I was magically transported to a nice Wisconsin roadside diner in the mid-seventies. All that was missing was a nice waitress named Fran who called me honey or dear, a noisy air conditioner blasting, an appetizer of deep fried onion rings the size of my head and an Old Style beer in a frosty bar glass.

The walleyes are bitin’ down by dah lake donchya know.

You might find this interesting:

I was watching "Disney Channel" "Sweet Life of Zach and Cody" over my daughter, Ann Caroline's, shoulder, suddenly my IQ dropped 40 points. Now I have an amazing desire to become an Oakland Raider fan.

P.S. Dear Oakland Raiders. The same deal applies to you as it does to France, Nike, Tiger Woods and Paris Hilton. Pay me $10,000 and I will stop making jokes about you for an entire year. Call me a comedy writing slut-bag b*tch whore, I don't mind.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

"They say a bird in hand is worth two in the bush . . . screw it, I am going to eat it anyway."

That joke just called, it said it wants you to stop telling it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Friday, the handsome “Pirates of the Caribbean” star Orlando Bloom married the stunning Victoria Secret model Miranda Kerr. The wedding took place at the Holy Crap, Our Lives Suck By Comparison Church of England.

On “Discovery Channel’s” “Shark Attack Survival Guide” they say if you punch a shark in the snout, the shark “may break contact.” I’m sorry, but if I am going to risk infuriating a 1,000-pound man eater, I need something more concrete than “it may break contact.”

Since you asked:

Saw the movie “The Rocker” Do yourself a favor. Don’t.

Although not a huge fan of the Rainn Wilson “I will be funny by being creepy” school of comnerdy, the cast is a who’s who of who is hot in Hollywood: Jane Lynch, Bradley Cooper, Christina Applegate, Jeff Garlin, Emma Stone, Will Arnett. How can a movie not be funny with those folks?

It is nowhere close to funny. It’s sort of “Almost Famous” if Cameron Crowe let a mentally challenged Eighth grader write the script. It was so bad I had to keep watching it just to see if it could maintain its level of horrible. “House Bunny” co-star Emma Stone is a funny girl. Check out her iPhone clip on “Funny or Die” How they were able to keep her Kristen Stewart-un-funny was a miracle.

Dennis Leary said it usually takes about two to three weeks to tell you’re making a bad movie, I bet this one they knew the first day.

Terrell Owens has signed with the Cincinnati Bengals?

Let’s just fire up the time machine real quick:

At training camp, Chad Ochocinco and Carson Palmer remark how hard a worker T.O. is and how they all get along fine.

After two games, a clearly upset T.O. tells the press he should be getting the ball more. Afterwards, Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco say everyone is still getting along fine.

Week five, rumors of a fight at practice between Chad Ochocinco and T.O. are denied by all concerned.

Week ten, Carson Palmer denies having an argument with T.O. saying people don’t have to be best friends to play football.

T.O. denies he started a rumor Chad Ochocinco is going to be traded.

Another rumor of a fight, this time between Carson Palmer and T.O.

Bengals coach Marvin Lewis denies that T.O.’s diminished playing time means he will be gone after the season adding; “Let’s just see how things happen.

T.O. is cut at the end of a disappointing season.

Monday, July 26, 2010

This ranks up there with one of the greatest pranks ever*

You gotta play a player when a player gets played, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Gulf of Mexico had a massive oil spill and now hurricane Bonnie is forming. No word on when the plague of blood, frogs, lice and flies will follow.

There is a rumor of a Beach Boys 50-year reunion tour. Of course, since they’re older, the songs have changed. “Good Vibrations” is now “Bad Constipations

Newspaper circulations are at an all-time low. To show how low newspaper circulation is, in London they are eating fish and chips off of an Apple lap top.

MTV announced the show “Jersey Shore” will stay on the air. Thank goodness, losing the Amato Opera House, the closing of “Phantom of the Opera” and cancelling “Jersey Shore” would be a strain on the fine arts that would be too much to bear.

Two Wisconsin men were arrested for trying to dig up a woman’s corpse with the intention of having sex with it. Apparently they misunderstood her when she was alive and she told them they would have sex with her over her dead body.

Because of penalties from violations, USC football is losing top recruits. Their new coach, Lane Kiffin, who walked out on his Tennessee contract, is lecturing the recruits about honoring their commitments. Apparently USC stands for Unforgivably Sanctimonious Coach.

A study claims there is a trend of casual lesbian affairs among wealthy suburban housewives. This study was conducted by sociologists and all the losers who write letters to “Penthouse Forum”. “Dear Penthouse: I never believed your letters until the other day I was cleaning the taut Mrs. Smith’s pool and I saw her applying suntan lotion to the nubile Mrs. Jones.”

Since you asked:

Just enjoyed the world’s shortest family vacation. We had our house tented for termites – don’t get me started on what a nightmare and scam that is – so we checked into a local hotel that would abide our hounds, Wrigley and Kasey.

It wasn’t a staycation because we actually went someplace.

We stayed at a Residence Inn in Mira Mesa/Sorrento Valley just about eight miles away. It was fine. And the dogs were great. We knew Kasey, who is going to be 15 in August, was a good road dog, but Wrigley, our sweet cuddle bunny but with little or no sense, really stepped up and was almost a good dog.

*Brief history about the Cardiff statue. Many years ago it cost almost $200,000 for a statue of a surfer to go in front of the great surf break, Cardiff reef. Apparently they paid sight unseen because the end result is the goofiest and silliest surfer-meets-Liberace statue in history. Surfers absolutely hate the wildly unnatural, effeminate and campy pose the little girlish boy surfer poses, so they endlessly dress the thing in ballet tutus and Daisy Mae dresses and hats.

Things got ugly from my stand point when they put a broom in it's hand with a sign that said "No sweepers" and "No oarons" their derisive terms for stand up paddle board surfers. In fairness, it is a specific surf break, due to the reef, and there have been stand up paddle surfers who hog their share of rides giving us model stand up paddle board surfers a bad rap.

One of the statue's most polite nicknames is the Cardiff Kook and it has been dressed up as just about anything you can think of. Generally it has just been pranks aimed at the incredibly dainty aspect of the statue. Pumpkin head on Halloween, Santa hat at Christmas. Etc.

Until today. Genius arrived at Cardiff Reef in the form of a faux shark.

Attention Mark O'Snake, I got your call yesterday from the Surf cup, but, like the idiot I am, I accidentally erased it. Please call me back so I can put your cell on my phone list. We - AC's team -didn't get invited to Surf Cup this year. Didn't do well enough during the State playoffs. No substitutes and one player got sick and another sprained her ankle, not to make excuses, but it is true.