We gonna drop it wide, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It’s going down
The value of real estate is in trouble. But if you think you have it bad, last month, Britney Spears’s home went down in value 25%. But that’s mostly because she drove it into a parked car.

Huh?
The Colorado Rockies swept the Arizona Diamondbacks and continue their 21-out-of-22-game-streak to go to the World Series; in a related story, Chicago Cubs fans are unfamiliar with half the words in that last sentence.

Or Death on a Plate
Hardee's rolled out a Breakfast Burrito: two egg omelets filled with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and sausage gravy, all wrapped inside a flour tortilla. The burrito contains 920 calories and 60 grams of fat. It’s called the “Why the World Hates Us” burrito.


One last shot
A survey asked what people would do if they knew they only had one hour to live. Most people said they would spend it with their family, and Donald Trump said he would call Rosie O’Donnell and insult her one last time.

Sounds familiar
Intelligence information claims al Qaeda is seriously hurting. In a desperate marketing ploy to attract more supporters, al Qaeda is changing its name to the Los Angeles al Qaedas of Anaheim.

Fierce
In Chicago they are conducting a study of gay brothers to determine if homosexuality is caused by DNA. It’s called: Putting the “Heeeyyyy” in DNA.

Since you asked:
Now that the Cubs are gone - and no, I am not bitter, it was a good season and they ran into a damn hot team and lost - who do we want in the World Series? Tonight I am for Boston because I want to see the series extended. Gonna get me some hot ribs and some cold beer and enjoy Hi Def Boston in Autumn while looking forward to going out and Paddleboarding in La Jolla in the AM.

But, as much as I like Boston, I think they got their fair dose a few years ago and I would like to see a Cleveland-Rockies series. We know that Cleveland rocks, do we know if the Rockies cleave? As far as I know none of them are butchers, but who knows?

Saw Rebecca Romaijn on "Late Show" with Dave, and can I say, wow, wow, wow, a side of wow and a hot steaming bowl of wow soup? But here is my question: when Rebecca saw "Stand By Me" did it occur to her that she would want to marry the fat kid?

That how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mmm
Hardee's is offering a 920-calorie and 62 grams of fat breakfast burrito. But be warned, do not attempt to eat this 920-calorie burrito unless you have enough time in the day to be dead.

If you do eat the 920 calorie breakfast burrito, I’ve got two good pieces of advice: loosen your belt and update your will.

This burrito will make you so stuffed you will be rendered temporarily deaf.

Fierce DNA
In Chicago they are conducting a study of gay brothers to determine if homosexuality is caused by DNA. It turns out gayness is not caused by DNA, it is caused by DKNY, Donna Karan, New York.

The name of the gay study is the Aiken/Seacrest Report. (Which is also a sign you might be gay, if you pass out and wake up with an Aiken/Seacrest)


What’s not to hate?
The critics hate NBC’s “The Singing Bee” hosted by ex-*NSYNC’s Joey Fatone. It combines three of the worst things: Karaoke, reality TV and a dude from a boy band. It could only be worse if they combined dog fighting, a Britney Spears concert and a Paris Hilton poetry recital.

Step off wit’ your good foot and have a nice day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That sounds about right
A survey reveals that 67% of people polled said they hate Paris Hilton; the other 23% didn’t like Paris, but they did enjoy having sex with her.

Long time gone
According to archaeologists, Rice was first eaten 10,000 years ago. And it was twenty years ago since Condoleezza Rice was eaten.

Except then
The two scientists who invented the technology that produced the iPod were given a Nobel Prize. With the noted exception of when the iPod plays Coldplay.

Say it ain’t so, Joe
The Association of Tennis Professionals is investigating allegations of thrown matches; man, first baseball has a steroid scandal, then the NBA had a corrupt ref, then the New England Patriots get caught spying. Next thing you know they are going to accuse pro wrestling of being rigged.

Not so fast
A new survey found that the country with the highest number of contented citizens in the world is Mexico. But keep in mind this survey was taken before we gave them a Taco Bell.

Not good
The Association of Tennis Professionals is investigating allegations of thrown matches; man, first baseball has a steroid scandal, then the NBA has corrupt refs, then the New England Patriots get caught spying. Things are bad when Don King is the most credible person in sports.


You chose
Border agents are shooting pepper balls at illegal immigrants coming in from Mexico; for those who prefer their illegal immigrants savory but less spicy, agents will shoot rock salt instead.

Not a good combo
Coors and Miller are combining their U.S. brewing operations. Budweiser and Schlitz were going to combine until they realized that together it would form Blitzed.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his fight against global warming; I still don’t think President Bush gets it, when informed Gore won the Nobel prize, Bush said;

“Explain again why he gets a prize for not having a bell?”

Coors and Miller are combining their U.S. brewing operations. Old Style and Heineken were going to merge until they realized it would form Old Heinie.

Moosehead and Schlitz were going to merge until they realized it would form Mooseschlitz.

We kid the folks in Arkansas
A survey asked what people would do if they only had one hour to live. Most people said they would spend it with their family, a small percentage said they would spend it having sex and the people polled in Arkansas said they would spend it having sex with their family.

Now that all phones have caller ID, if you get somebody’s voice mail, you pretty much know they just screened you. We should all change our voice message to say;


“I just looked at my phone and said out loud; “Oh, I don’t have time to talk to this idiot”, so leave your number so I can call you when I have absolutely nothing better to do. And so you know, when we do finally talk, I will be making really, bored, frustrated and annoyed facial expressions. Oh, and P.S., if this is that low-born degeneraate friend of mine, Stewie Dogs, your mother will weep herself to sleep at the whore house when she sees what I did to you if you don't pay up on our Fantasy Football bet. Buh bye and have a nice day. ”


Oh, and, by the way, the opposite is true. If you're talking to someone and they look at their ringing phone and say, "I have to take this." What they really mean is; "This person is way more important to me than you are."

Learned an important lesson Saturday in the beautiful winery-hilled growing berg of Temeculah. If you're having a bad day, you can always make it a little bit worse by just having lunch at Applebies.

Applebies, something unspectaculah in Temeculah.

I guess it could have been worse. It could have been a Red Robin.

"Come to Red Robin and see wait persons sing a really annoying happy birthday song while realizing, deep down inside, they have given up on all of their hopes and dreams."