Got paid a nickel to bust up a Chifferobe, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Saturday Morning Caffeine-fueled Rant

So I had just come from a wonderful stand up paddle board surf session Thursday morning at Scripps Pier. Sets of three footers with one five footer that almost munched me in the impact zone, but I was able to kick out just in time. Ten or more nice rides.

So I should be in a great mood, right? I’m not because I’m so tired. Bonking, exhausted, cranky tired. So I know what I have to do. Already downed a coconut water and a mineral water. So, like a junkie going for methadone, I head straight to get a Jamba juice Surf-rider. Tart, tasty, good for you.

Now Jamba Juice has these odd bakery goods. They start to sound good, but then they make a nasty, affected, snooty turn. Like a cinnamon-raison (ew, sounds good) pretzel. Blah. Or just downright funky crap like a swiss-cheese and crushed acorn bran muffin. Nothing I’d ever want.

But they always foist it on you.

“Are you sure you don’t want some of our tasty baked goods?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna pass on that pecan, rosemary and lugnut scone, thanks.”

So I go in there not wanting to waste any time, I give the guy, a high school kid, nice enough, not a skateboard dweeb, normal looking kid, I have my order ready.

“Hello” although tired and cranky, I want to be friendly. “I would like a regular surf rider with a vitamin boost, no baked goods and my name is Alex.”

He mutters as he types, “Surf rider. OK, what size?”

“A regular with a vitamin boost, and nothing else, my name is Alex.”

“Regular, got it. And what boost would you like with that?”

“Yeah, again (now I am getting a little testy) I want a vitamin boost, nothing else and my name is Alex.”

“Would you like to try any of our wonderful baked goods today?”

Now some of the other Jamba Juice workers are snickering and following this, my frustration is now clear.

“No, I don’t want to try a baked good, that’s why I said nothing else. And my name is Alex.”

“OK, no baked goods, a regular surf rider with vitamins and . . .”

Don’t do it. Don’t ask it. I’ve said it four times.

“And can I get a name with that?”

One of the other Jamba Juice workers, a girl, shrieks out in laughter

“Dude, he’s told you Alex like ten times. The guy’s name is Alex.”

This poor kid had the most bewildered, shocked and hurt look on his face. Like he had no idea how she knew my name was Alex.


Hey there Kasey-bear. Just thought you should know I know that was you in my dream the other night. One of those dreams where I was dreaming I was awake. You walked over on top of the top of the couch and slid down and laid right on top of my back. It was great. Thanks, I needed that.

We're doing OK, but we miss you something fierce.

Did you think the same thing I did when you saw this? Right, what horrible paddle technique. Blade pointing wrong way, top hand upside down and below the handle. A mess. What?



Wow, we've all had brain farts, but that Rick Perry had brain dysentery. Quick, somebody ask him why one-fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a world map? *

His debate lapse was so brutal many feel Rick Perry has to quit. But don't worry, Billy Chrystal is replacing him.

So bummed, I went to see the new "Twilight" movie "Breaking Dawn Part II" but I saw "Breaking Wind Part II" by mistake. Not the same thing.


Since you asked:
So yesterday I'm having a smart cocktail with my two friends, Stewie Dogs and our hip, pretty African American girlfriend, Dashiki Jones, or DJ as we call her, and I ask them what they think of Kim Kardashian.

D.J.: "Bitch, please, that white-trash coal-burner taking all the fine brothers from a sister."

Stewey: "All back-bacon and no class takin'. But I'd do her faster than a Rick Perry brain-fart."

Lex answers the famous Miss Teen South Carolina question: Recent polls show one-fifth of Americans cannot locate the US on a world map. Why?

Let's start off with the obvious. One-tenth of Americans are flat-out idiots. They couldn't locate their ass with their hands.

As for the others, as with most things, I blame our over-entitlement. Why do they care about the rest of the world or where the US is located on a world map? They don't think the rest of the world can do anything for them, so why learn about them? Bet they can pick out their state on a US map.

Hell, these people don't care a damn about anything but themselves, why would they care about the rest of the world?

30 Rock - Therapy, Jack Style

The spoiled-rottern Wrigger-digger-doggie, Mister Wrigley T. Kaseberg

Scripps Pier. Scene of the crime this morgan.

Give us a whoop-ginny one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Because she accepted $18 million for a wedding and bailed on the marriage after 72 days, critics are calling Kim Kardashian a publicity whore. That is patently unfair. Whores work for their money.

Kim Kardashian is appearing in a Tyler Perry movie called "The Marriage Counselor" and she's playing a co-worker. That's like Paris Hilton playing a virgin genius.

When she accepted the role, Kim only had one question: what is a co-worker?



Since you asked:
It is virtually impossible to overstate what a tragedy this Jerry Sandusky scandal is for the fans, students and alumni of Penn State. My intuition was the incredibly misplaced intentions of the students flipping cars for a guy, Joe Paterno, who aided in the cover-up of a guy raping fourth-grade boys, was due to shock, anger and beer.

It is also impossible to overstate the love of football in the state of Pennsylvania. It is a state that produces the best football players in history, from Joe Namath to Joe Montana. To say football is a religion in Pennsylvania is to only sound like an exaggeration.

Penn State is a football program so huge and conservative they play in practice uniforms and nobody minds.

The only thing you can say about this scandal is at least nobody was killed. But that isn’t right. These boy’s psyches are ruined for the rest of their lives. To have the second biggest figure in the state rape them murders their soul.

As a father I can't stand to think for one second how awful it would be to be the parent of one of the victims. For one second.

And now it looks like the District Attorney in charge of investigating this crime vanished in thin air with his laptop surfacing in the river without the hard drive. It will take many, many decades for Penn State to even possibly erase this tarnish if it ever does.

From everything I’ve heard and read, the wonderful Penn State football fans do not deserve this heinous tragedy.

Jerry Sandusky deserves worse than death as do all child molesters.

There is a sentiment growing that Penn State should cancel the rest of their football season. I agree.

There is also a sentiment that Penn State should abolish its football program entirely. I don't disagree.

Late entry to Things Lex Will Never Understand

Why aren't child beauty pageants illegal?

Have you seen the clip of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" where Kim's younger brother, Rob, calls Kim a whore and she calls him a dick? Say this about them, they're damn good judges of character.

Look out, everybody, 'cause its another surfin' daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawg

We do like a groooown man do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving just five hours of her 30-day sentence. Well, that should teach her.

Feminist media-monger, Gloria Allred, claims to represent the fourth woman accusing Herman Cain of sexual harassment. One more sexual harassment accuser and Cain will tie Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Jersey Shore” Snooki is promoting her second book while writing her third. This from a woman who thinks an onomatopoeia is a bladder infection.

Have you seen the McDonalds commercial where the guy is about to go on his honeymoon, but freaks out he will miss the limited offering of McRib sandwiches? Let me tell you something, if you’re more excited about a sandwich than your honeymoon? You have more problems than missing the McRib. You probably married someone of the wrong sex.

Kim Kardashian’s mom, Kris Jenner, apologized to Native Americans for calling Kris Humphries an Indian giver for demanding back the engagement ring. Thus the mystery of where Kim gets her moron genes has ended.

The results of the New York Marathon were shockingly different between the men and women. For the men it was Kenyan, a Kenyan and an Ethiopian. For the woman, however, it was an Ethiopian, an Ethiopian and then a Kenyan.

Following the 72-day divorce after her $11 mil wedding, public sentiment against Kim Kardashian has turned ugly. Kim’s popularity has fallen so far, Rick Perry feels sorry for her.

The New York City marathon was this weekend and they had over 2,000 portable toilets for 40,000 runners. So that’s a total of 4,000 toilets if you count the subway platforms.

Marketing experts say Kim Kardashian’s drop in popularity following her heartless 72-day divorce could destroy her reality TV career. That’s fine, because Kim could then fall back on her skills as a, well, she studied to be a, she’s always had a knack for . . . oh, she’s so screwed.

Afghanistan opened its first bowling alley; I think its called the Kabul Kaboom and Bowl. They have a video game room: the al Qaeda Arcade. Fun games like Hammer the Pop-Up-Infidels, Drive the Camel Through the Mine Field, Hiding Osama and Oppress the Lowly Female.

In Florida, a man urinated on a bank deposit tube. He became angry when the clerk told him his assets were not liquid.

That Oklahoma earthquake was bad. In Oklahoma City it knocked an Occupy Protester in bed with a Tea Party Conservative.


Let’s play a new fun and rousing game of

Things Lex Does Not Understand

How a woman can look at a hot, naked woman, and not get aroused?

How certain rock stars smoke, do drugs and drink Jack Daniels all day and still have ripped abs?

How a ski mountain as massive as Mammoth Mountain can be covered in fresh powder in the morning and end up with all the runs trampled by lunch?

How shops that sell cards, potpourri and useless trinkets stays in business?

What thrill skateboarders derive from being such dicks?

How aircraft carriers stay afloat? That is a lot of metal.

Why Jim Belushi has a thriving career?

Why Starbucks – and formerly Blockbuster – clerks are so snotty?

Why the person in a store with the worst public speaking skills is chosen to “call” out the orders when they’re ready.

How women can remove a bra from under their t-shirt?

How baseball pitchers can spit so much without getting horribly thirsty?

How mothers and their evil spawn can block entire grocery store aisles and not care at all?

How bartenders can perform so many menial tasks without making eye-contact with somehow who has been standing at the bar for quite a spell?

How teenagers can send hundreds of texts a day?

Why my brilliant straight-A+-student 13-year-old daughter cannot answer a ringing phone, put on shoes, put food away or climb into my car without knocking over my coffee with her backpack.

How my dog, Wrigley, is smart enough to love us unconditionally, endlessly mourn Kasey, interpret our moods, appreciate and give affection, but has no idea that, A, he has a tail and that, B, when it wags it knocks full wine glasses over.

And I will never, ever, comprehend, how my lovely wife, Virginia, when I am making dinner and it is go-time, i.e., everything is about to be finished at the same time, will instinctively know exactly where to stand so she is completely and utterly in my way.

Rolling Stones - Bitch

Saturday Night Live - Kardashian Divorce Special - Video - http://www.nbc.com

Saturday Night Live - Kardashian Divorce Special - Video - http://www.nbc.com

Don’t be hatin’, unless its on Kim Kardashian, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A source says Kim Kardashian divorced Kris Humphries because; “She was tired of him spending her hard-earned money.” For those wondering what Kim does to earn her money? It’s like what whores do to earn money except without all the hard work, pride and dignity.

The WellPoint Foundation ranked America’s fittest cities. You know what city was #1? Denver. You know what the least fittest city is? East St. Louis where the murder rate is so high the only known forms of exercise are running from assailants and burying your victims.

It is surprising the emotional reaction people have against Kim Kardashian divorcing Kris Humphries after 72 days. Nobody feels sorry for that Kris-idiot, but people really, really hate Kim Kardashian. To show how much, by comparison they are starting to like Bruce Jenner.



A 20-year-old woman has filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber; an upset Justin Bieber claims he is not the father and is not lying about it, or as the headline put it:

Beleaguered Bieber Neither Conceiver nor Deceiver.



Since you asked:
It is a fascinating insight into a social phenomenon to see the public turn so hard against Kim Kardashian. It is fun for me, because I feel smug in that I hated her that much from the beginning. (Knew a woman all too well who is an aging version of Kim, and I don't mean Kris, her mom)

Clearly the fascination and attraction about Kim for people was the understanding that she was a talentless, stupid, spoiled whore bitch. That was what made her so entertaining.

But when she takes $17 million for a wedding and then bails on the marriage in 72 days, suddenly everyone gets more of an insight as to just exactly how much more of a greedy and vapid bitch she is than they first thought, and then it isn't any fun anymore.

It's like those A-holes on "Entourage." Yes, we knew they were a-holes, but we didn't think they were that big of a-holes. Now we can't watch them.

Lex Takes the “Entertainment Weekly” Personality Quiz:

Choose your favorite Real Housewives:

New Jersey, Atlanta, Orange County, Beverly Hills, New York City.

None of the above. I am holding out for Real Housewives of Winnetka, Illinois my hometown. As I’ve said before, my mother and her friends - as well as most suburban Chicago women - are the nicest, funniest, kindest and sweetest people there are.

That said, there is a phenomenon of scary housewives in Winnetka that could eat any over-augmented Real Housewife gold-digging bitch alive. (For a cinematic reference see Mary Tyler Moore’s blood curdling accurate portrayal of Beth in “Ordinary People.”)

Some of these women I used to date in high school.

Not sure of the sociological explanation behind it, but these select suburban Chicago women are the most heartless, hypocritical, insanely-social-status-driven cold-hearted women alive. They would commit suicide rather than not send a hand-written “Thank You” note, but would gladly run over a drifter if they were in their way of their Junior League meeting. They make Martha Stewart look like a Labrador puppy. Bone chilling. Have dated women in New York City, all up and down California, including Bay Area, Santa Barbara, Orange County and Beverly Hills and met their moms and they don’t come anywhere close in the psycho dept.

If you could utter any catchphrase it would be:

Febreze’ing the bowling shoes, i.e. to perform mindless yet necessary tasks.

Meat of Choice:

Chicken
Beef
Pork
Other

Beef. Once had a bone-in filet mignon at Lou and Mickey’s next to Petco Park - before a Cubs game - that I would have helped bury a dead body for. It was a surf and turf special that came with fresh crab smothered in hollandaise sauce and that wasn’t close to as good as the filet. Close second would be fresh Mahi-Mahi grilled with oak wood.

Manliest Thing You Did This Week:

Caught a dozen waves SUP surfing at La Jolla Shores/Scripps 59 degree water wearing just a rash shirt and booties and trunks. No wet suit. As young surfer dudes with their potato-chip-sized boards in full wetsuits missed the waves and shook like Chihuahuas from the cold. This was one day after a nearby Great White Shark sighting.

Least Manly Thing You Did This Week:

Caught up on Bravo’s “Top Chef” on On Demand. It makes my uterus hurt just saying it.

Secret Phobia:

Touching paper when my hands are dry. It makes my teeth hurt and sends a chill up and down my spine.

The Voice You Want On Your GPS Device:

First of all, I don’t have a GPS device. They are a symptom of why our society is going to hell with over-entitlement. That being said, I would choose Sam Elliot.

“Hey, Dude. Turn left. And eat meat. Its what’s for dinner.”

Greatest single sound in rock and roll history.

The Keith Richards finger-hammer double-note in the middle of the guitar lead opening and other choruses of "Bitch." When you hear it you'll agree. When I emulated it I knew I had taken my air-guitar to a new level.

Just read/leafed through Ken Regan's "All Access" the god of rock photographers.

Interesting stuff. He claims Madonna is a sweat heart doll and implies between the lines they fooled around. Regan is a "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" guy, as he would have to be to keep the relationships of famous people, but even he commented on what an a-hole Sean Penn was.

He damned the Eagles with no praise. It is amazing how charming Keith Richards is and how normal Mick Jagger is. Richards is just like his on-stage persona. Not a phony bone in his body. Mick isn't phony, he is just so damn freaking normal. He behaves and even dresses like an accountant would at home. Sure, he has sex with a lot of different hot women, but isn't that what a normal guy would do if they could?

Extreme SUP. Airs, Snaps, and Cutbacks!