Saturday, September 13, 2014


Boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. defended his multiple domestic violence charges by comparing himself to OJ Simpson. Or as OJ calls Mayweather, “A quitter.”

Apple unveiled the Apple Watch. It can text, monitor your health and act as a secure payment system. And guys, it even has an app that can explain in detail why wearing the Apple Watch will keep you from getting laid.

An uproar exists over a Philadelphia restaurant's posting of a 20 cent tip on a $61 bill from millionaire Eagle running back, LeSean McCoy. In his defense, McCoy replied he did not knock anyone unconscious. 

Taco Bell is offering free food to 11 customers for life and the Olive Garden sells $100 all-you-can-eat Pasta Passes. There has never, ever, been a better time to be a toilet paper maker.

On Derek Jeter day at Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter was honored by being the only player to take the field. They got the idea from Alex Rodriguez’s birthday party when A-Rod was the only one there. 

Since you asked: 

There are only two conclusions that can be drawn from the NFL claiming to have seen the Ray Rice elevator video along with everyone else on TMZ. The first is the NFL is lying, the second is the NFL is inept.
Neither one is good. But the prior is more likely. 
If you have ever been inside an NFL locker room, you instantly see how far and wide the long arm of the NFL extends. You cannot throw a wad of used tape without hitting a poster specifically showing the proper way to wear the uniform. Codes of conduct and lists of acceptable medications are everywhere. In the NFL, big brother isn't just watching, he is giving you a colonoscopy. 
Any act or behavior that appears thuggish or unprofessional is immediately banned. Do-rags? Gone. Hanging gloves from the facemask? Illegal. Slouching on the sidelines? Against the law. Dunking the goal post? Huge fine. Planned touchdown celebrations? No. A display of having fun in any way? What are you, a ponytailed soccer fan?
So for the NFL to know a surveillance video in the elevator existed  - after they had seen the tape of Rice dragging his unconscious fiancé  - and not look at said elevator tape? That is not even vaguely plausible. 
Somebody, somewhere has evidence the NFL top brass saw the Ray Rice elevator knock-out clip prior to TMZ getting it, and that information is going to get leaked as sure as you can say Edward Snowden.
Like they tell you in kindergarten, no matter how bad the situation, you can always make it worse by lying.
Folks, this could become a brutal time for the NFL. Recreational drug problems, the CTE crisis, PED’s and felons, Jerry Jones along with rules that effectively put skirts on the wide receivers and tutus on the quarterbacks.
The greatest position in all of sports, running back, is becoming as obsolete as the Tour De France and white men with 'fros. Fullback is obsolete. Fantasy Football could not suck more if it had a surgically implanted straw in its lips. After the top six running backs, the quality of running backs falls in a well.
If you don’t have a twinkle-toes star quarterback, a monster tight end and a wide receiver who can outrun the wind, you’re dead. And or an insanely talented and freakishly physically gifted defender, like Seahawks corner, the preposterously ego-maniacal Richard Sherman. (Seahawks have both and I don't see anyone beating them except the Niners)

I’ve said it before, I will say it again, the West Coast Offense is as boring as it sucks. Jerry Jones-like sucks. 

Did I mention Jerry Jones sucks? 

Floyd Mayweather Jr NIKE Commercial [HD]

Friday, September 12, 2014

NFL Lip Reading

An orange peanut. And a switch
This just in:

Ike Turner has been posthumously inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame
Today the NFL unveiled their new motto:

“What Fresh Hell Is This?”

Random thoughts during the Baltimore Ravens 26-6 trouncing of the Steelers:
We made it through the game and Ben Roethlisberger didn’t rape anyone.
May have to recant my observation the new NFL rules put a skirt on the wide receivers. It is more like it puts a bright sundress with platform shoes.
The problem with the NFL can be summed up thusly: Commish, Roger Goodell, made $44 million last year. They pay the cheerleaders $20 a game.
Jim Nance is better at announcing golf than football.
Deion Sanders is a smug, stupid tool who was charged with domestic violence in 2012 and had no right to comment on Ray Rice. Sanders was a great player, he is a horrible broadcaster. Not Michael Irvin horrible, but still horrible.
NFL teams need to use the on-sides kick more and go for it on fourth down more. There should be a penalty for kicking off out of the back of the endzone. Kickoff returns are one of the most exciting things in football and we hardly ever get to see it.
I would say Ravens QB, Joe Flacco, had the personality of a dial tone, if, A, a dial tone had less personality and, B, anyone under 30 knew what a dial tone was.
The Packers have a rookie named HaHa Clinton-Dix. USC has a player named Juju Smith. We need to get the Packers to draft Smith so we can have HaHa and Juju on the same team.

In the wake of the Ray Rice elevator slugging video, now top back, Adrian Peterson, has been indicted for child injury. In a related story, the head of NFL public relations has quit and is now working for the less troubled group, ISIS.

In addition, the current supply of vodka and scotch at the NFL headquarters is running dangerously low. 

Celebrity homes were pounded by huge waves in Malibu. It was so bad it actually washed Bruce Jenner right out of his evening gown.

Malibu was hit with giant waves.  It was so bad it actually washed a person into a theater showing “Expendables 3.”

Malibu was hit with giant waves.  It was so bad it actually washed “Twilight” actress Kristen Stewart into an acting class.

Since you asked:

I love those cooking contest shows, especially "Chopped." One time this too-hip-to-live chef commented that he felt the level of his competitors, and the contents of the first appetizers box, were beneath him.
He then proceeded to use all the outside-the-box modernist cooking techniques of using liquid nitrogen, the freezer griddle, vacuum sealing and water cooking and a blow torch.
He was the first one kicked out.

Was he humbled? Embarrassed? Apologetic? No, he said the judges made a huge mistake and they were beneath him as well. 
Not proud of this, but I wrote down the name of his restaurant in Brooklyn, Les Bagga Douche, I think it was, and sent him an email informing him of what an utter tool he looked like on “Chopped.”
He did not respond.