Geaux Saints, but . . .

Who dat? Peyton Manning. Dat who. True dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In an interview with “Rolling Stone” John Mayer claims he has masturbated his way out of problems. That’s fine until he has to go to the DMV to get his license renewed.

With New Orleans winning 31- 28 over the Minnesota Vikings, the Superdome was a site of joy, celebration and excitement, but less than five years ago after Hurricane Katrina, the Superdome was a site of despair, anguish and misery, or as Chicago Cubs fan call that: Wrigley Field.

You can now buy a $9,000 beautiful female sex robot. To which Tiger Woods replied; “Now you tell me.”

The winning field goal in the New Orleans 31-28 win over the Minnesota Vikings was by Garrett Hartley who had been suspended earlier in the season for testing positive for Adderall, a banned drug for ADD. When asked about the winning kick, Hartley said; “The snap was good, the hold was fine . . . what was the question?

For President Obama’s State of the Union speech republicans claim they’re going to give a rebuttal and a prebuttal. Doesn’t a prebuttal sound like what Andy Dick was arrested for?

Comedian Andy Dick was arrested for sexual assault after he grabbed a man’s crotch without permission; not to go into too much detail, but the man claims the comedian Andy’d his Dick.

A Knoxville attorney has filed papers to name the local sewage treatment plant after Lane Kiffin the football coach who abandoned Tennessee after one year. The sewage plant is down the street from the Lane Kiffin Proctology Center.

In an interview with “Rolling Stone” John Mayer claims he has masturbated his way out of problems. Masturbating himself out of problems may work, but it sure embarrassed Mayer’s psycho therapist.

Brad Pitt has bought a bachelor pad house in the Hollywood Hills following his reported break up with Angelina Jolie; Pitt wanted a house that didn’t remind him of Angelina, so the first thing he did was take down the poster of Mick Jagger.

During Fox broadcast of the New Orleans Saints 31- 28 over the Minnesota Vikings, the Hi Def picture was amazing, I could actually see Brett Favre’s liver spots forming.

Since you asked:
In the underrated movie “Role Models” – Jane Lynch is a national treasure - Paul Rudd is kneeling over a hammy fake-dying Seann William Scott, both resplendent in their Kiss garb, in a Medieval reenactment society battle. Scott finally expires complete with shuddering and finally his eyes stay open in a frozen death-stare. Rudd tenderly closes Scott’s eyelids with his fingertips and says something like;

“Thou cannot be hurt ever again.”

And then Rudd stands up and whacks Scott in the nuts with his rubber sword. It is truly a classic guy moment.

What, what on the nut, nut, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

For the first time in their 43-year history, the New Orleans Saints have a shot to win it all; upon hearing this, Chicago Cubs fans said; “Just 43 years? That is so adorable.”

During Fox broadcast of the New Orleans Saints 31- 28 over the Minnesota Vikings, the Hi Def picture was amazing, I could actually see Brett Favre’s liver spots forming.

NBC paid Conan O’Brien $30 million to do absolutely nothing. As a result Conan has been named an honorary New York Knick.

New Orleans won 31- 28 over the Minnesota Vikings thanks to Saints QB Drew Brees. Maybe now Brees will hook up with Black Eye Peas singer Fergie to form the new super couple Drewgie.

Sadly, the super couple, Brad and Angelina, Brangelina is no more. Maybe Kirsty Ally will hook up with ex-Raider QB, Jim Plunkett, to form the new super couple: Kirplunkett.

With New Orleans winning 31- 28 over the Minnesota Vikings, the Superdome was a site of joy, celebration and excitement, but less than five years ago after Hurricane Katrina, the Superdome was a site of despair, anguish and misery, or as Chicago Cubs fan call that: Wrigley Field.

You can now buy a $9,000 beautiful female sex robot. To which Tiger Woods replied; “Now you tell me.”

Janice Hough’s mostly
The New Orleans winning field goal was by Garrett Hartley who had been suspended earlier for testing positive for Adderall, a banned drug for ADD. When asked about the winning kick, Hartley said; “The snap was good, the hold was fine, hey, nice tie. What was the question?

Since you asked:

With Tiger Woods undergoing sex addiction therapy, a debate has sparked among mental health specialists as to whether or not sex addiction exists. Some experts feel the reason why successful men have a lot of sex is the same reason that clerks at Krispy Kreme donut shops gain weight.

Now that Nevada has the first legalized male prostitute for women, there are some questions: is he at risk of becoming a sex addict or a workaholic? Can he get fired for sleeping on the job? Will he let his clients down? What about sexual harassment in the work place? If he does an inadequate job, will he be given a severance package?

You know who I blame for most of our problems? Woodstock. No, not the concert, the stupid bird on “Peanuts.” Before Woodstock things were pretty good, then we got Woodstock and we got Watergate, gas lines, terrorist attacks, a different Darren on “Bewitched” “I Dream of Jeannie” gets cancelled, the Beatles break up, polyester suits, CB radios, subscription cards start flying out of magazines, telemarketers and eventually disco.

One minute we got Walter Cronkite on the news and before you know it, Woodstock comes along destroying our perceptions and perspective and we got Geraldo Rivera for the love of decency.

Lex Solves Most of California’s Problems:

Whenever possible, it is always fun to take two problems and use them to solve each other. We in California have many problems, but the first is clearly a lack of money. And while there are more pressing problems the environment and education – many could be solved with more money – another problem in California , as well as the rest of our country, is rudeness and inconsideration due to rampant entitlement.

Let’s have one knock out the other. Talking on a handheld cell phone while driving? $1,000 fine (Yes, a lot of these are driving related) Parking in a red fire lane? $2,000 fine. Rolling through stop signs? $1,000 fine. Failing to use your turn signal? $1,000 fine. Texting while driving? $2,000 fine. Stopping and blocking traffic? $1,000.

The great part about getting these fines passed is that even the a-holes who do this stuff all the time do not think they are the problem. The other day this bored brat had parked her Dad’s Range Rover in a fire lane next to Vons Supermarket in a narrow side of the street where cars in back of her had to wait to pass around her until the cars going the other way passed. And she sat there yammering on her handheld cell phone. That is $5,000 going back in our economy that would teach this rude little bee-hee-yatch a lesson.

And she clearly had no idea she was doing anything wrong, nor did she care. Five grand out of her clothing allowance would change that attitude but quick. In fact, when a pedestrian walked up to her – I swear it was not me – and politely suggested she stop blocking traffic, she cut this guy the ugliest look. To her, he was the bad guy. Again, a-holes do not know they’re a-holes.

And as the money pours in and the behavior is changed, we expand and expand big. Double the fines. Increase the actions that are fined. Taking two parking spots? $1,000. Pedestrians who jay walk and cause traffic to stop? $1,000. Talking loudly in a movie theater? $1,000. Skateboarding within twenty yards of pedestrians? $1,000. Soliciting people outside of stores? $1,000 fine except for Girl Scouts. Door-to-door sales pitches? $1,000 fine per incident. Telemarketing call at home? $1,000 fine. Swearing in front of children? $1,000. Flicking a cigarette on the street? $1,000. Loudly shuffling your feet on the ground? $500. Dressing like a hot chick while not being a hot chick? $500. Smacking and or spitting out gum on the sidewalk? $250. Any and all littering $1000 fine. Exceeding the number of items in the express check out? $500. Being loud and uncourteous at any fast food restaurant, Starbucks, McDonalds? $1,000.


Start using the police to enforce these entitlement fines, but as the money roles in, you could afford to create a special local Rudeness Patrol task force to issue them. They would be paid on commission and they will make a fortune.

OK, yes, it smacks of big brother and there are possible arguments of freedom restrictions, but they are the only theoretical price the majority of well-behaving people would have to pay. The a-holes would foot the bill for our state’s deficit. And who cares if a-holes lose money?

They don’t even know they are a-holes.

Why? Because I love these things

That how we do how we do how we do, do, do Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The FBI reports a 20% decrease in bank robberies in 2009. You know the economy is bad when bank robbers are out of work.

The surprise winner of the Massachusetts Senate election, Scott Brown, posed naked for “Cosmo” when he was in law school; in fact, that’s why he became a republican, during the naked photo shoot, Brown discovered he could do a mean elephant shadow puppet.

After the Minnesota Vikings playoff win against the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre led his team in singing the old “American Idol” guy’s “Pants on the ground” song. In fact, Favre came up with his own old guy version. It’s called: “Pants Up To The Chest.”

In Nevada there is the first ever licensed male prostitute. Women, for $50 he talks dirty to you, for $100 he has sex with you, and for $500 he’ll take you shopping and tell you your butt looks skinny in those jeans.

In Nevada there is the first ever licensed male prostitute. Women, for $50 he talks dirty to you, for $100 he’ll spank you, and if you really want to get kinky, for $500 he’ll put the toilet seat back down after going to the bathroom.


Since you asked:

People are going to take whatever side they want on the Conan O’Brien/Jay Leno/ David Letterman/NBC flap, but Leno bashing seems popular these days. It cracks me up when someone who knows I write jokes for Jay Leno feels compelled to inform me; “Jay Leno isn’t funny.”

To that I remind them to add the words “to you.” “Jay Leno isn’t funny to you.” Because I am pretty sure a guy who pockets $40 million a year and who has tens of millions of fans is funny. Personally, I think Leno is very funny, but who cares what a guy who gets paid $75 a joke thinks compared to a guy getting paid $40 million? Well, Jay Leno does, as I will explain later.

A factor to consider in who is right or wrong in this NBC flap is the latest and most popular and accurate judge of leadership being used by professional sports teams prior to hiring a coach, or top companies looking for a C.E.O. The latest hiring gauge for top positions is to investigate how that person under consideration treats underlings, from assistants to interns and waiters and parking attendants.

And you don’t have to be a big shot to be rude and awful. Just look at how so many people right outside your own front door treat their fellow drivers with the utmost rudeness and contempt. Clearly to them, the rest of us just represent annoying obstacles out to destroy their important and busy schedules.

The Madoffs, Bernie and Ruth, were well-known for their contempt to any and all staff. Madonna, Barbra Streisand, Stephen Segal, Val Kilmer, Wesley Snipes, the most notorious a-holes in the world, regularly fire personal assistants for daring to make eye contact. (Believe it or not, a successful comedian I respect said on facebook he has met Madonna on many occasions and liked her, so . . . )

As anyone, like myself, who has been a waiter can tell you, how people treat service people is the fastest way to judge and measure the character and soul of a person*. As a freelance writer, you can’t get much more underling to Jay Leno than me, and, on every single occasion we have talked on the phone and met after a taping, Jay Leno has always treated me with class, dignity and respect.

Although I have never met him, Conan O’Brien is famous for treating interns and staff members kindly as well. And, likewise, Letterman. A person I know who worked for Letterman is effusive in their praise affection for the man.

So in my mind, this leaves the only bad guys as those snotty TV executives. There is nothing wrong with being big time, we should all strive to be big time, but there is no excuse for big-timing somebody.

Studio and network heads are famous for treating their employees like slaves and garbage. When I was having dinner at the Eagles old haunt, Dan Tana’s, next to the Troubadour on Santa Monica Blvd, my amazing pasta dinner was practically ruined by this a-hole big shot producer–type who was clearly surrounded by his flunkies all of whom nodded and smiled as this miserable pr*ck mercilessly tore into the waiter.

Fortified by martinis and wine, when I got up to leave, I walked (stumbled) up to his table and said (slurred) to the schmuck; “You an a**hole and a horrible person who is clearly going to get the awful hell you deserve.” Then I looked at his flunkies and said; “And you are the a**holes who are kissing his ass.” (Being clearly buzzed and a mostly solid 6ft 2, 225 has its perks)

Nobody, to my knowledge, has ever said the big shots at NBC were different then that jerk at Dan Tana’s was. He could have been one of them, for all I know.

*On the flip side of this, there is nothing more annoying than a waiter or maitre de who is snotty and rude to the customers. They are possibly the most despicable people on the planet.