Saturday, September 20, 2003

You know somethin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers . . .?

Thar she blows, and we love her for it . . .
Hurricane Isabel has passed through, but it did a lot of damage. Disasters can bring out the best in Americans. I saw a picture that actually brought a tear of national pride: in Virginia, a group of blacked-out hurricane survivors banded together and had a margarita party using a blender attached to a gas-powered trimmer. (Sniff) God bless America.

My great buddy, Woody, called to go on the record to say that the East coast – as opposed to our West Coast – has real weather. Granted, but I said that I want to go on record that –God forbid, knock on wood – when we have an Earthquake, remember this when everyone in the East is muttering; “Those morons. Why do they live there? Don’t they know they have earthquakes?”

Cluster F@#k, continued
Al Gore is going to help Gray Davis campaign. This is like Ozzie Osbourne helping Anna Nicole Smith to sober up.

For his part to court the gay vote, Gray Davis signed a sweeping gay-rights bill. For his part, the gay community simply loves the way Arnold Schwarzenegger uses five syllables to pronounce the word queer.

I knew that sounded familiar
Paleontologists have discovered the fossilized bones of a buffalo-sized rodent. Sort of like the guests that appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.”

Friday, September 19, 2003

We gonna get on up and smack ‘da stupid right outta them there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Yawn Patrol
*Al Gore is going to help Gray Davis campaign. This should lock up the all important narcoleptic vote.

Get over yourself, Gray person
*Gray Davis was in San Francisco courting the gay vote. He is serious, for they day he changed his name from Gray Davis to Dapple-Slate Gray Davis.

Gray Davis had an embarrassing moment while in San Francisco to court the Gay vote. He asked the guys from “Queer Eye for the Straight Gay” to make him over, and they said; “Sorry, pass. We’re not Superheroes.”

Big ugly rodent, kinda like the ones that appear on “Springer”
*Paleontologists have discovered the fossilized bones of an ancient buffalo-sized rodent. To show you how big this rodent is, at a New York Chinese food buffet, it would serve 100 people.

Throw away the key
*A Winston, Ore. man told police he crashed his car after a bee flew into his mouth while he was singing along with Justin Timberlake's Rock Your Body on the radio. Police immediately handcuffed him and threw him in jail; not for crashing his car, for singing Justin Timberlake.

Some good news
Have you heard that the record industry is suing the parents of grade school kids for copying music on the Internet? The good news is we now know where Saddam Hussein is: He’s the public relations director for the music industry.

*In a turnaround, one of the parents of a child who copied music on the Internet is suing the record industry charging malicious cruelty. It turns out their kid copied a song by Celine Dion.

Tiger Slam
*The Tiger Woods PGA 2004 video game is out. Slump sold separately.

When you put it that way . . .
A Swiss bodybuilder was arrested for investigation of offering to murder the alleged victim in the Kobe Bryant sex assault case for $3 million. Kobe was outraged. Why, for that price, Kobe could almost buy another ring and have another affair.

Hate to hear that
Gary Coleman is reportedly running out of campaign money; it turns out his parents spent his allowance.

Saw this one coming, didn’t ya’?
Police have decided record producer Phil Spector did shoot the actress at his home and will present this information to prosecutors. Spector could not be reached for comment as he was out playing golf with OJ and Robert Blake.

One bitter critter
Have you heard of Bitter Bears? It’s a line of scowling, foul-mouthed teddy bears. When you rub their tummies, the bears have a chip that spews obscene insults. It’s the perfect gift for your ex- fiancé if your combined names happen to sound like Bennifer Lofleck.

(Check them out at Click on Listen to Bitchy Bear)

Thursday, September 18, 2003

This how we playuhs play the play up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The something leading the whatever

Al Gore is coming to California to help Gray Davis. In a similar story, today Ray Charles picked Stevie Wonder as his tennis partner.

Not a good sign of future employement
Here’s a little tip: If you are a news reporter, and your boss just sent you to cover hurricane Isabel? You better update your resume.

Exact same precautions
Cities along the eastern seaboard have brought in reinforced medical, emergency, repair and fire and police crews in preparation of hurricane Isabel. It’s essentially the same preparations they make when Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston come to town.

The iceman cometh
*Kerry Wood pitched an 11 strike-out, 2-0 complete gem against the New York Mets. After the game in the press conference, Wood had his arm, neck, shoulder, back and chest completely incased in ice. He had to be the most iced baseball player ever, well, next to Ted Williams.

The losing New York Mets pitcher, Al Leiter’s batting average is better than his swing would merit and he is batting .021. Leiter’s stance looks every bit as natural as a fish riding a bicycle. When Leiter swings he looks like a drunk debutante taking a whack at a pinata.

Go down, Moses
Hurdler Edwin Moses, 48, has announced he will try to qualify for the Olympic Trials. He is going to run in his “World’s Best Grandpa” t-shirt.

Moses is a little older now, so his training technique consists primarily of running after neighborhood kids while yelling; “You punks get off my lawn.”

(In my best Ed McMahon) Uh, that would be correct, Sir

The Emmys are Sunday. You know the difference between the UPN network and the Cincinnati Bengals? The Bengals actually have some remote chance of winning Sunday.

Bouncing baby something or other
Congratulations to Colin Farrell, he’s now a father. His girlfriend had a beautiful baby boy. Today Colin was seen celebrating wildly, drinking, swearing and carrying on with super models. When asked why he was so happy to be a father, Colin asked; “I’m a father?”

I’m not sure Colin Farrell is going to be a model father; today, when somebody asked to see his pictures of his baby, Colin presented naked photos of his super model girlfriend.

Since you asked:
The Women’s World Cup in soccer is coming up. Some hard-boiled, male sports fans were surprised at the popularity generated by our winning U.S. team four years ago. Personally, I understand why some sports fans might enjoy watching women’s soccer.

It might be fun to watch attractive, fit women running around in shorts and occasionally mixing it up and getting rough because, well, someone was a little naughty, naughty, bad girl. So bad, in fact, they might have to punish her later in the locker room by, oh, say snapping a towel on her tight little rear end right when she comes out of the shower all, wet and . . . huh? Wha'? Oh, sorry. Got lost there for a second. What was I saying? Oh yeah, go Bears.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Oh yeah, it's on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Holy Moses
Hurdler Edwin Moses, 48, has announced he will try to qualify for the Olympic Trials. You can’t blame Moses for getting sentimental about these Olympics, after all, he competed the first time the games were in Athens.

He is going to run in his “World’s Best Grandpa” t-shirt.
To give you an idea how long it has been since Moses has competed, he hasn’t even prepared a positive drug test denial statement.

Put the ug in ugly
Have you seen Oregon football team’s new yellow and green Nike uniforms? I don’t want to say they are ugly, but there have been more attractive paintball wounds.

High School all over again
The people running in the California recall election remind me of characters in high school: Arriana Huffington is the brainy European exchange student; Larry Flynt is the creepy kid lurking around to peek into the girls locker room, Gray Davis is the guy hanging from his jockey shorts in the boys locker room and Arnold is the jock who hung him there.

Might be a problem
Russia’s best known ballerinas, Anastasia Volochkova, has been fired by the Bolshoi ballet because they said she is to fat. She may be a little hefty; her tutu is stained with smashed male partners.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Where is the love, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

The political equivalent of herding cats
The recall election has been postponed for six months. Oh good, because it wasn’t messed up enough before.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is worried if it gets postponed any longer it may just go straight to video.

Let’s be honest, the only reason Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for governor is because he thought Recall Election was a sequel to his movie “Total Recall.”

One of the reasons for the six month recall delay is the concern voters will mess up the punch-card ballots; hey, this is California, we’re not stupid, we’re crazy, but not stupid.

Where have you gone, Brandy Chastain, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you, eww, ewww ewww
The WUSA, women’s soccer league has folded. For some reason, the interest by men seemed to curtail right after they banned the after-goal jersey yank-off.

If you ask me – and nobody did – it is no accident that the WUSA women’s soccer league folded right after they banned women from tearing off their tops after a goal. You want this league to come back? Five words: After each goal, mandatory stripping.

Attention Manhattan Chinese restaurants
Officials in Cambodia are asking people to help out with the stray dog problem by eating more dogs. Hey, this may be the way for New Yorkers to get rid of their rats . . .

Like a Version
Good news. They’ve finally figured out how to clean Michelangelo’s naked muscular statue David without dLike a virginamaging it. Madonna has offered to lick it clean.

Coincidence? No.
San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds hit his 655th home run. Ironically, Bonds is only eleven home runs away from 666, which is the symbol the media assigned him.

Monday, September 15, 2003

Mad flavuh up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In the Non Fiction section under Hypocrite
*Dr. Phil has a weight loss book out. Coming next: Dr. Phil’s hair care tips. The book’s coming out right after “Keith Richard’s Health Care tips.”

Is it just me, or is Dr. Phil a little chunky to be issuing weight loss advice and books? That’s like Gray Davis giving a motivational speech.

See Dick. See a lot of Dick
Have you seen Madonna’s children’s book “The English Roses”? Here is an excerpt: “See Sally. See Jane. See Sally see Jane. See Jane see Sally. See Jane slip Sally some tongue.”

What a guy
Bill Clinton is giving support to Gray Davis. He may be advising Davis, but he is going to give stripper Angelyne some great tips.

Fantasy Football can be dangerous
*Baltimore Ravens running back Jamal Lewis set an NFL record by rushing for 295 yards. In a related story, a Fantasy Football League’r who had Lewis on his team got so excited, he accidentally swallowed his asthma inhaler.

Not positive
Harrison Ford has begun filming a fourth Indiana Jones movie. I think this one is called “Indiana Jones, You Punks Get Off My Lawn.”

She got a right purty mouth
In a triple-over-time 44-38 win, Ohio State desperately wanted to avoid a tie with North Carolina State because a tie is like kissing your sister. To which North Carolina State replied;

“What’s wrong with that? That Sister kissin is some goodly kissin’ right there.’”

Howie Rummy
*Did you see “Fox NFL Sunday?” Is there any way Howie Long could take himself any more seriously? Long’s intense severity during his analysis makes Donald Rumsfeld seem like Carrot Top.

Other than that, he is OK
Former NFL tight end great and coach Mike Ditka has disclosed he suffers from adult diabetes, hyper-tension, arthritis, a hip replacement and erictile dysfunction. There are entire rest homes with less symptoms than this guy.

Long train runnin’
I found out why they cancelled Ben Affleck and J. Lo’s wedding; during the wedding rehearsal, the maid of honor couldn’t figure out where J. Lo’s butt ended and the wedding dress train began.

Now they say that Ben and J. Lo are spitsville, done, kaput. Can you blame them? If Ben and J. Lo are even half as sick of each other as we are of hearing about them, they have to break up.