No, I believe I can rock wit’ you, home cookin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Cough it up
The headline read: David Carradine died performing an auto-erotic act; if auto-eroticism is considered performing an act, somebody owes Paul Ruebens a Tony award.
The cover of “Sports Illustrated” features a 16-year-old baseball phenomenon, Bryce Harper, who can pitch a 96-mile-an-hour fastball, hit a 570 foot home run and he is so cute he actually makes Manny Rameriz’s uterus hurt.
Assist from the amazingly funny Janice Hough
A San Diego woman had her lawsuit tossed when she tried to sue that Captain Crunch Crunchberries did not have berries in them. You think she is upset now, wait until she finds out Dickies aren't made out of real, well . . .
For the first time in 30 years Saudis were allowed to go to the movies. The Saudi movies are different, there is “Mullah & Me,” “He’s Just Not That Into You So He’ll Stone You to Death” and the racy “Spring Break Burka.”
Sarah Palin attended a New York Yankee game. There was sort of an awkward moment when Palin kept asking why the players weren’t wearing skates.
Can’t help it
President Barack Obama is wildly popular with the people of France; Obama is learning the hard way that there are some unfortunate public relations setbacks he cannot control.
Oui kid the French
A Frenchman set a world record for holding his breath underwater for 11 minutes; incidentally, he also set a record for the longest time a Frenchman has ever bathed in water.
Again, oui joke
A Frenchman set a world record for holding his breath underwater for 11 minutes; I’m not sure he set the record fairly, he set it when they told him the German army was coming and he ducked under the water to hide.
After losing “Britain’s Got Talent” overnight singing sensation Susan Boyle suffered a mental breakdown and had to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. She’s incoherent, loopy, babbling and generally out-of-it, so the official diagnosis is she is Paula Abdul.
Investigators now say David Carradine died while performing auto-erotic sex in his hotel room. And you thought it was embarrassing when the hotel clerk shouted out your amount due on in-room movies? “So, Sir, I guess you liked “Sorority Slaves” you saw it four times.”
A 30-year-old man tried to smuggle 24 pounds (street value $75,000) of marijuana into San Diego by paddling it in from Mexico on a surfboard. Police became suspicious primarily because he was trying to paddle 24 pounds of pot on a freaking surfboard. The board didn't even have a fin which makes paddling incredibly difficult. This may be the stupidest thing ever done since Paris Hilton last did something.
For the last time, please, I'm begging you, Andy Dick, get some help.
Go right to the top
"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" is attempting to book a "Saved By the Bell" reunion, but they have been unable to confirm, Dustin Diamond, the guy who played Screech. Let's face it, to book a talent that big you have to go right to the top: his shift manager at Starbucks.
Since you asked:
It’s official, I know have another super power to go along with my ability to make retail cashiers disappear for minutes and to make drivers wander over to my lane without signaling. For whatever reason, I have the innate power to make the person in front of me at a red light suddenly lapse into some stupor while either tweeting, texting or calling on a cell phone when the light changes green.
Look, I never said they were useful super powers, I just said I had them.At least they're trying
You've got to give General Motors credit for trying. They just introduced their newest car lines: the 2009 Snuggie GT and the 2010 Shamwow SUV.