Friday, July 09, 2004

We gonna throw down the jam this right here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who would have thought?
*Have you seen the “Sports Illustrated” cover with Maria Sharpova? In all of my wildest dreams, I never thought I could be horribly envious of a damn tennis ball.

Love is a many pandered thing
*Have you seen how happy John Kerry and John Edwards look together? They look like an ad in support of gay marriage.

John Kerry and John Edwards have already hugged each other more than Bush and Cheney have ever hugged anyone in their entire lives.

John Kerry and John Edwards seem to be hugging each other a lot. Actually Bush and Cheney are pretty affectionate if you include all those times Bush had to perform C.P.R. on Cheney.

Have noticed how much John Kerry and John Edwards hug each other? Bill Clinton was a big hugger as well. Republicans only hug when they patting someone down to take their wallet.

Bill Clinton loved to hug so much that he once hugged Monica so hard, both of his hands actually touched.

In case they forgot
*Homeland security secretary Tom Ridge said terrorists want to disrupt our presidential election. Apparently the terrorist didn’t follow the last presidential election, it got pretty screwed up all on its own.

If terrorists really want to mess up our presidential election all they have to do is not interfere with the voters of Florida.

Since you asked:
Hollywood celebrities are trying really hard to rally behind John Kerry - like they did enthusiastically with Bill Clinton - but it seems to me their hearts aren’t really into it. It’s a lot like turning on “The Three Stooges” and seeing it’s an episode featuring Shemp; after your heart sinks with disappointment, you try to pretend it’s just as good, but you can’t kid yourself, the guy just isn’t Curly and that’s all there is to it.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Let’s rub some jokes on it to make it better, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We can’t read the whole name Los Angeles, it takes too long, so it’s L.A.
*As hard as it is to believe, Bill Clinton’s massive 957-page book is even selling well in Los Angeles. But here in L.A. we don’t actually read the book, we use it to reserve a parking space.

We don’t actually read the book, we put a hat on it to drive in the carpool lane.

It’s is surprising Clinton’s book “My Life” is selling so well in Los Angeles, a city not known for having avid readers. In fact, the Los Angeles city motto is: Hooked on Phonics.

In Los Angeles they are marketing Bill Clinton’s book Hollywood pitch-style: “Yeah, it’s a sort of “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” meets “Deep Throat.”

Beat it to it
*The producers of “White Chicks” are being sued for by a man who says the story was his idea. Is that true? I mean didn’t the idea of turning a black man into a white woman start with Michael Jackson?

*I’m looking forward to the debates between John Edwards and Dick Cheney. It will be like an old “Batman” that pits the Riddler versus the Penguin.

That would explain it
*They say the latest craze in the Ukraine is to eat chocolate covered pork fat. Keep in mind, the craze right before that is to get really, really drunk.

Even the people at McDonalds think that chocolate covered in pork fat is disgusting. Disgusting that they didn’t think of it first. Introducing new McClogged-arteries.

Now if Pizza Hut can just figure out how to get chocolate covered pork fat into their crust, we’d really have something.

And now, kids . . .
*John Kerry did not get a lift against Bush after picking John Edwards, according to the Zogby poll. What is the Zogby poll, a poll of children’s cartoon characters? “Why hello there Mister Zogby, guess who I’m voting for?”

There are political experts who feel that, due to the war and the election, our country is becoming increasingly polarized. Asked to comment about our country becoming polarized, President Bush said;

“Polarized? I thought everyone used them fancy digital cameras.”

We got you six, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Even Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t eat that

*They say the latest craze in the Ukraine is chocolate covered pork fat. Their second latest craze is a massive heart attack.

Not quite
*After the team-trial stage four win, it looks like Lance Armstrong is in good position to win his record sixth Tour de France. The New York Post, however, reported the winner would be Dick Gephardt.

Not a good sign
*Some sad news up in Canada this past weekend, Tonya Harding was knocked-out in the third round of her boxing match. Tonya’s boxing career isn’t going well, she spends more time on her back in the ring then she does on her dates.

So sad
*John Kerry picked John Edwards. Kerry’s first choice was John McCain, a republican with cross-over appeal, but McCain turned him down. It’s sort of like asking the girl from French club to the prom after the cheerleader said no.

John’s are wild
*John Kerry asked John McCain but ended up with John Edwards. And Ralph Nader’s campaign is in the John.

*You have to have tough skin to be on the democratic ticket and, as a trial lawyer, nobody’s skin is tougher than John Edward’s knees.

Good tip
*Lance Armstrong’s girlfriend, Sheryl Crowe, has joined Lance on the Tour De France. Sheryl’s been a helpful advisor; each morning she reminds Lance that every day is a winding road.

Poor choice
Ted Kennedy plans to write a children’s book but it’s going to be from the point of view of his dog, Splash Isn’t Splash about the worst possible name Ted could come up with for his dog? Was Dunk ‘N Dash already taken?

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Hope you had a good seven-four, is what I’m sayin’ Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Breaks the record
*Takeru "the Tsunami" Kobayashi of Japan won his fourth straight Nathan's Famous hot dog-eating contest at Coney Island broking the record by downing 53 1/2 dogs in 12 minutes. That breaks the previous wiener eating record set by Paris Hilton at her 21st birthday.

Spider Hole Man
*Saddam Hussein had a new suit in court, he was tan, thin, hair and beard trimmed. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear the Saddam got a queer make-over.

Did you see Saddam Hussein in court? He looked pretty good. Yeah, I guess they had to use that Ronco ear-hair weed whacker on him.

Did you see Saddam? He’s tan, he’s groomed, and he’s thinner. Why, it almost looks like he’s been staying in his Palm Springs spider hole.

Not a big seller
*According to Glamour magazine, the latest trend for women is to have words tattooed on their rear ends. The least popular female butt tattoo: “Warning: Object in this tattoo may be larger than it appears.”

Not often, is what I’m sayin’
*The Los Angeles Dodger’s Eric Gagne’s save streak ended at 84. Gagne blows a save as often as Mandy Moore gets mistaken for Michael Moore.

She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie . . .
*The National Enquirer claims the Mary Kate Olsen’s real problem is cocaine. If that’s true, that’s disturbing. It’s like hearing that Tinker Bell has been hanging out with Courtney Love.

Just in:
*John Kerry has picked John Edwards as a running mate. And this just in, Dick Cheney picked George Bush as his running mate.

And Saddam Hussein has picked Baghdad Bob as his running mate.

Up there
Svetlana Feofanova of Russia became the first woman to pole vault 16 feet, clearing that height Sunday at a track meet in Iraklion, Greece. The only woman who has gone higher is, well, Courtney Love.

Can’t say it
*Stephen Ames won the Western Open golf tournament. The Western Open was sponsored by Cialus, and, since it was sponsored by the erectile dysfunction drug, Cialus, the announcers could not use the putting-phrase: never up, never in. (Thanks to Mark “Snake” O’Connor)

Since you asked:
My wife, Sweet Virginia, has officially taken her gas-lighting (From the Ingrid Bergman movie “Gaslight”, meaning intentionally driving someone crazy) to the next level.

There are two things that really drive me utterly insane: When someone is late for no reason, and when people get in my way when I am trying to cook.

Last night, I thought, since it was a beautiful California night, to honor the great Santa Maria style BBQ, of my college days at Santa Barbara: olive and herb marinated tri-tip – the roast beef part cut low for grilling – grilled to a perfect medium rare, sliced and smothered in fresh salsa and served with ranch beans, a tossed ranch salad and sourdough biscuits. Cabernet, to accompany, of course.

My daughter – aka the Stinker - was at a gymnastics class (unlike Mia Hamm, our Olympic gymnasts don’t have much to worry about from sweet little A.C.) and she needed to be picked up promptly at six p.m.. As a result, I cleverly timed my grilling so that I could do the lion’s share of the cooking when my wife went to pick up said Stinker. (Love that Virg to death, but she has this intuitive ability to always stand in front of wherever I need to go to cook. Allen Iverson can’t defense someone like she can defense me when I am cooking)

Exactly when Virg should have been getting ready to leave to pick up our daughter, with my roast freshly sizzling on the grill, Virg suddenly decides that now is the perfect time – I am not making this up – to clean out the entire refrigerator. Not only am I fuming that she will now, of course, be late, but it is the one spot that blocks me on the way to everything: the grill, the TiVo’d “Tour de France” the stove, the sink, the stereo and, worst of all, the wine.

The entire time she was completely, totally, and amazingly in my way, but also, for every second she was in the way, she was also late to pick up our daughter. A two-fer. Ding, ding, ding. Winner, winner, winner. You have to admire that type of planning. Might have tossed an extra glass of wine or two down the ol’ gullet to counterbalance the soaring blood pressure.

What with my wife stepping up her gaslight game, there is a good chance that I will qualify for a mental asylum by my next birthday, August 15th. (Mark your calendars) That or Betty Ford.