Things I learned watching cartoons and shows on TV in the '60's
Chinese people are all angry screaming chefs who throw meat
cleavers.
Not only can snakes talk, they sound eerily similar to Bing
Crosby.
Quicksand is freaking everywhere.
Trees in Africa are all inter-connected with an intricate system
of rope/vines.
The most ignored military order in history is: "Go get some rest."
A professor, who is smart enough to make a two-way radio out of coconuts, is not smart enough to patch a hole in a boat.
Going barefoot is not as fun as Tarzan makes it seem.
You will constantly be dodging sticks of dynamite with a burning
fuse.
Dogs talk and wear hats.
Indians never kill their enemy, the just tie them up and wait
for them to escape.
Although most can talk, all bears are sweet and lovable. (It is
a miracle more people who grew up watching TV in the 60’s didn’t die from
trying to hug a bear)
When people get shot and fall off a building, it is spread eagle
and with a perfect 450 degree slow flop.
Superman could fly, but he had to take a running start with a
hop to take off. Bullets bounced off his chest, but he ducked when they threw
the gun at him.
Some monolith company named Acme made a lot of anvils that were
constantly launched into the air.
When sharks tried to bite you, they missed a lot and made a loud
chomping noise.
All old people walked stooped with canes.
Catching a prestine cab was as easy as raising your hand and the cab driver was always a wise-cracking guy with a thick Brooklyn accent.
When a guy punches a guy in the jaw, it makes a really loud
cracking noise that is actually impossible to make with skin, muscles and
bones. The person who is punched reels around and falls to the ground
unconscious. Unless the punch occurs in a Saloon, then the victim flies back
and crashes through a poker table. He then gets up and punches the guy who punched
him who then flies back and crashes through the front window, but does not get
cut.
Buried treasures and their treasure maps are as common as falling
anvils and pianos.
Cannibals cook safari people alive in a giant black pot with
their pith helmet on.
Germans speak English with a German accent. Romans all have
English accents.
Anytime someone entered a room, they were offered coffee, scotch and a light of their cigarette.
Cowboys never tie their horse to the hitching post, they just
give the reins a single loop and the horses magically stay put. Then they go
into the saloon, have two shots of whisky and then ride off. Unless they get
shot or shoot someone.
Horse-bound Indians, bent on an apparent sneak attack, always
give away their intentions right before - and thus warn their victims - by
yelling and whooping like idiots before they get there.
For some strange reason, Nazis on guard never scream when
stabbed or strangled.
People on TV and movies were way better than real people
because, A, they were better looking, B, they were always well-dressed, C,
smoking was good for them, D, they never got drunk or hungover no matter how
much they drank, and E, they never, ever had to go to the bathroom.
When shot, the victims first reaction is to slap their hand
right on the wildly painful open wound and then gaze at the blood on their hand
before slowly falling down.
When TV Batman and Robin were climbing up a wall on the Bat-rope,
occasionally the line would go slack, which was a miracle considering they were
supposed to be hanging from it.
When thrown, knives never land at their target handle-heel first
and bounce off; they always hit point first.
Even though the brain can go minutes without oxygen, it only takes a few scant seconds to strangle someone to death.
No matter where anyone allegedly lived, whether it be Batman
on the outskirts of Gotham City, or the Cleavers in Mayfield, Anywhere USA or
the Petries in New Rochelle, New York, palm trees could always be found in the
distance.
It is easy for cowboys to jump onto their horse from a cliff.
When a boy tries it on his bike, the result is indescribably painful.
In cowboy towns, tumbleweeds are a constant.
Indians could read smoke like a newspaper.
Without so much as a phone call, the husband would walk into the
house with his cranky boss and their even crankier top client and tell his wife
they were coming for dinner. A fancy dinner would then magically appear, then
the wife would do something so stupid in front of the client, the cranky boss
was about to fire her husband, but magically, she would win over the cranky
client and they would shake on the deal.
A man could have a wife or girlfriend with amazing
grant-any-wish powers, but insist they not grant any really good wishes.
Whenever somebody ate in a restaurant, they would take one bite
and get up and leave the rest.
Guys, the only way to get the beautiful woman to fall in love with you is to die in front of them.
Only sheriffs can master the art of sleeping on a porch in a chair leaning against the wall. When young boys try this, the chair slips out and they whack their head against the wall.
You could get blown up or shot with holes all the way through
you and be fine a second later.
All Japanese people have thick round glasses and screamed while
trying to bayonet you.
Reporters and detectives always wore a fedora and drank
constantly from a flask.
Directors wore berets and polo pants with boots and only spoke
through a megaphone.
There was no such thing as a woman without a purse.
Everyone smoked and looked spectacular doing it.
All cars were polished and shiny.
All policeman had a thick Irish accent and twirled a baton while
whistling.
Like Acme anvils, falling grand pianos are a constant threat.
At any given moment, entire crowds of strangers could burst out
into song and dance.
Apples were consumed constantly, but nobody ever ate a banana
except for Tarzan.
While driving, a man and a woman could hold lengthy eye-to-eye
conversations without either one ever gazing at the road.
Criminals are easy to spot. Often they are still wearing their striped prison suit, but they always have a machine gun, a hat, a knarly five-o'clock shadow and are chomping on a cigar.
German men alll wore monicles
All Mexicans wore two bandeloros across their chest and a giant
sombrero and constantly slept against a wall sitting down with their arms
wrapped around their legs.
Sweat looked cool.
