Saturday, September 14, 2013

These pictures are like a trip to the psychiatrist for me. It is the entrance to Riverview Park in North Chicago circa early 1960's and the Village Toy Shop in Winnetka. 

We moved to Winnetka from Louisville when I was three and I was terrified. On about my 5th birthday, my parents threw me a birthday party complete with many presents from the Village Toy Shop wrapped with those awesome little balloons on white.

Just when it couldn't get better, after the presents and the vanilla cake, a shiny red fire truck pulls up in front of our house. We all pile in and go for a ride. At the time I thought the ride in the firetruck was enough. No, it dropped us off at Riverside Park and we rode rides the whole day.

On the dark side of the psychiatrist's couch, I got seperated from my Mom at this gate and was abondoned with strangers for what seemed like many terrifying hours. (It was probably ten minutes) 

Christine Woods - "Perfect Couples"

She is so great.

Friday, September 13, 2013

In Pennsylvania, a bunch of skinny little Vegan PETA members decided it would be a good idea to protest a biker gang party and protest their wearing leather.  
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is a great and important group. PETA are a bunch of out-of-touch Vegan ass-munchers with too much time on their hands. PETA actually protested when President Obama swatted a fly during a televised speech.
Now nobody cares if a bunch of a-holes throw red paint on the fur of a bunch of rich beyatches. I am neither a fan of PETA nor people who wear fur.
But how stupid do you have to be to throw balloons filled with fake blood on a bunch of drunk motorcycle riders? Several PETA members were duct-taped to a tree and repeatedly urinated on. They were held down and intestinal gas was passed on there heads. Others were force-fed hot dogs. One was taped to the inside of a fast food dumpster.
When questioned about these charges, one of the top bikers said the charges were ludicrous. Yes, they, the PETA protestors, were rude and shouted bad names and vandalized their clothes with balloons filled with red dye, but the biker said they, the PETA protestors, were cordially invited to join the party and participate in their rather rigorous initiation traditions.
Score a big one for the bikers, PETA zero.

Spoiler update. Turned out this was a hoax for a satire site. Shoot. Still don't like PETA, though . . . 
It has been fun to watch the amazingly great cast of the underrated and cancelled “Perfect Couples” pop up in movies and TV. 
We all knew Olivia Munn was a star and she is on “Newsroom.” David Walton was on “New Girl.” Mary Elizabeth Ellis was on “Happy Endings.” Kyle Bornhiemer was in “Breaking Bad.” Hayes MacArthur has been in movies.
And now the awesome Christine Woods is in “Hello Ladies.”
One of the many great scenes in “PC” were Walton and Ellis’s characters fighting –as usual - over their parents coming to their wedding.
Vance: “Your parents are probably excited. (Hick accent) “Garsh, our little Amy is getting’ hitched. Oh, shoot, we may have to buy us some shooooooooooes.”
Amy: “Maybe your mom will get drunk and accuse the valet of stealing her sunglasses again. (Drunk lady voice) “Hey, whadya do wish my $500 dollar Chrisssstian Dior sunglasssssesss? Oh, they’re on my face.”
To paraphrase Don Henley, poop don’t float. 

The New England Patriots beat the New York Jets, Thursday, 13-10 even though Patriot QB, Tom Brady, was furious at the dropped balls and bad routes of his rookie receivers. Brady was furious until someone reminded him he is rich and married to a super model.
 “The Talk” co-host, Julie Chen, admitted she had surgery to look less Chinese; And Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is going to undergo surgery to look less Putin-y.
Just so you know, folks, we here at a.L.B.b. fired the comedy writer who said the operation made Chen drive better. 

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a piece in the New York Times critical of the US over Syria. This is why I am not president. If I was president, every time I said the name "Putin", I would stick my butt out and pretend to wave away the fumes.
Things I learned watching cartoons and shows on TV in the '60's

Chinese people are all angry screaming chefs who throw meat cleavers.
Not only can snakes talk, they sound eerily similar to Bing Crosby.
Quicksand is freaking everywhere.
Trees in Africa are all inter-connected with an intricate system of rope/vines.

The most ignored military order in history is: "Go get some rest." 

A professor, who is smart enough to make a two-way radio out of coconuts, is not smart enough to patch a hole in a boat.
Going barefoot is not as fun as Tarzan makes it seem.
You will constantly be dodging sticks of dynamite with a burning fuse.
Dogs talk and wear hats.
Indians never kill their enemy, the just tie them up and wait for them to escape.

Although most can talk, all bears are sweet and lovable. (It is a miracle more people who grew up watching TV in the 60’s didn’t die from trying to hug a bear) 
When people get shot and fall off a building, it is spread eagle and with a perfect 450 degree slow flop.
Superman could fly, but he had to take a running start with a hop to take off. Bullets bounced off his chest, but he ducked when they threw the gun at him.
Some monolith company named Acme made a lot of anvils that were constantly launched into the air.
When sharks tried to bite you, they missed a lot and made a loud chomping noise.
All old people walked stooped with canes.

Catching a prestine cab was as easy as raising your hand and the cab driver was always a wise-cracking guy with a thick Brooklyn accent. 

When a guy punches a guy in the jaw, it makes a really loud cracking noise that is actually impossible to make with skin, muscles and bones. The person who is punched reels around and falls to the ground unconscious. Unless the punch occurs in a Saloon, then the victim flies back and crashes through a poker table. He then gets up and punches the guy who punched him who then flies back and crashes through the front window, but does not get cut. 

Buried treasures and their treasure maps are as common as falling anvils and pianos.
Cannibals cook safari people alive in a giant black pot with their pith helmet on.
Germans speak English with a German accent. Romans all have English accents.

Anytime someone entered a room, they were offered coffee, scotch and a light of their cigarette.
Cowboys never tie their horse to the hitching post, they just give the reins a single loop and the horses magically stay put. Then they go into the saloon, have two shots of whisky and then ride off. Unless they get shot or shoot someone.

Horse-bound Indians, bent on an apparent sneak attack, always give away their intentions right before - and thus warn their victims - by yelling and whooping like idiots before they get there.
For some strange reason, Nazis on guard never scream when stabbed or strangled.

People on TV and movies were way better than real people because, A, they were better looking, B, they were always well-dressed, C, smoking was good for them, D, they never got drunk or hungover no matter how much they drank, and E, they never, ever had to go to the bathroom. 
When shot, the victims first reaction is to slap their hand right on the wildly painful open wound and then gaze at the blood on their hand before slowly falling down.

When TV Batman and Robin were climbing up a wall on the Bat-rope, occasionally the line would go slack, which was a miracle considering they were supposed to be hanging from it. 

When thrown, knives never land at their target handle-heel first and bounce off; they always hit point first. 
Even though the brain can go minutes without oxygen, it only takes a few scant seconds to strangle someone to death. 

No matter where anyone allegedly lived, whether it be Batman on the outskirts of Gotham City, or the Cleavers in Mayfield, Anywhere USA or the Petries in New Rochelle, New York, palm trees could always be found in the distance. 

It is easy for cowboys to jump onto their horse from a cliff. When a boy tries it on his bike, the result is indescribably painful.
In cowboy towns, tumbleweeds are a constant.
Indians could read smoke like a newspaper.

Without so much as a phone call, the husband would walk into the house with his cranky boss and their even crankier top client and tell his wife they were coming for dinner. A fancy dinner would then magically appear, then the wife would do something so stupid in front of the client, the cranky boss was about to fire her husband, but magically, she would win over the cranky client and they would shake on the deal.
A man could have a wife or girlfriend with amazing grant-any-wish powers, but insist they not grant any really good wishes. 
Whenever somebody ate in a restaurant, they would take one bite and get up and leave the rest.

Guys, the only way to get the beautiful woman to fall in love with you is to die in front of them. 

Only sheriffs can master the art of sleeping on a porch in a  chair leaning against the wall. When young boys try this, the chair slips out and they whack their head against the wall. 
You could get blown up or shot with holes all the way through you and be fine a second later.
All Japanese people have thick round glasses and screamed while trying to bayonet you.
Reporters and detectives always wore a fedora and drank constantly from a flask.
Directors wore berets and polo pants with boots and only spoke through a megaphone.
There was no such thing as a woman without a purse.
Everyone smoked and looked spectacular doing it.
All cars were polished and shiny.
All policeman had a thick Irish accent and twirled a baton while whistling. 
Like Acme anvils, falling grand pianos are a constant threat.
At any given moment, entire crowds of strangers could burst out into song and dance.

Apples were consumed constantly, but nobody ever ate a banana except for Tarzan.
While driving, a man and a woman could hold lengthy eye-to-eye conversations without either one ever gazing at the road. 

Criminals are easy to spot. Often they are still wearing their striped prison suit, but they always have a machine gun, a hat, a knarly five-o'clock shadow and are chomping on a cigar. 

German men alll wore monicles
All Mexicans wore two bandeloros across their chest and a giant sombrero and constantly slept against a wall sitting down with their arms wrapped around their legs.
Sweat looked cool.