Slap me silly and call me Betty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Paris in Summertime
Paris Hilton’s trash went on sale on eBay. You know the difference between Paris’s trash and her CD? No, seriously, I’m asking. Do you know the difference?

How hot is it?
It has been hot. Today I was sweating like Paris Hilton reading her probation conditions.

Paris Hilton told Larry King that, in jail, she ate mystery meat. And the food wasn’t too good either.

Larry King asked Paris Hilton what her favorite part of the bible is. I think Paris meant to say Deuteronomy, but unfortunately Paris called it: Dude a rod to me.


Book it
Former defense sec Donald Rumsfeld is writing a book on the war in Iraq. Unfortunately for Rumsfeld, his Iraq book will only be available in the fiction section.

Huh?
In an interview with Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dream of becoming a priest ended when he found out priests can’t have sex. To which Priests replied; “We can’t? Since when?”

Please
Paris Hilton has repeatedly vowed to use her jail experience as inspiration to help the needy. So apparently Paris wants to start with helping the needy who are residing at a luxury resort in Hawaii. After that, Paris is going to help OJ find the real killers on a golf course.

After her 23 day stay in jail, Paris Hilton has flown off to a luxury resort in Hawaii. This will bring a whole new meaning to going to Hawaii and getting lei’d.

Which is not easy
Paris Hilton is off to vacation in Hawaii. She wants to take a vacation on tropical island before she resumes her duties as a . . . what the hell does Paris do again? Paris makes Kevin Federline look like a workaholic.


Last night on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Ross the wildly gay intern tried out to be a super hero. Do you what Ross’s super power is? Accessorizing.

Oh, Lex, you can do better than this. Well, no, I guess you can’t.
A man in Scotland was arrested for having sex with a bicycle. The bike swung both ways. That’s why it was called a bi-cycle.

Since you asked:

We had a “Seinfeld” / “Curb Your Enthusiasm” Larry David episode this morning. Our good friend neighbors are out of town and their lawn crew seized this as an opportunity to get a jump start on their Saturday’s clients. The problem? The leaf blower and lawn mowers and weed whackers went off at 8:20. am.

This immediately altered my - and about ten of our neighbors - opinion on immigration reform to a much more conservative stance. Starting with deporting the bastards who started their freakin’ leaf blowers, weed whackers –whom a very unenlightened and intolerant guy I know rudely refers to as Mexican saxophones and banjoes – at 8:20 am.

Everyone knows the power tool starting limit on weekends is past nine am, right? Ten is even more civilized. Our daughter had a sleep over and I had a rare window to sleep in until they dropped her off at 9:30.

Where is Lou Dobbs when you need him?

Lex's new, slightly gay, smart summer cocktail:

Ice in a shaker, Kettle One vodka, Orange Juice, Peach Schnapps, shake hard, pour straight up. Add a splash of Fresca. Orange slice garnish and Bob is your frickin' Uncle.

You've heard of the Fuzzy Navel? This is a Fuzzy Anvil.

That is how we roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Spice rack
The rumor is the Spice Girls are trying to get back together but it will be hard. Not nearly as hard as trying to get the Spice Girls fans back to together, but hard.

The rumor is the Spice Girls are trying to get back together but it will be hard. The Spice Girls are not spring chickens. Their nicknames have changed from Sporty, Baby, Scary, Ginger and Posh to Tired, Cranky, Grumpy, Hot-Flashy and Saggy.

Look for the older Spice Girl’s new single; “You Punks Get Off My Lawn.”

At this age can they still be called the Spice Girls? Shouldn’t it be the Spice Geezers?

AD something or other
Paris Hilton disclosed she has attention deficit disorder. Or as Paris calls it: Attention deficit, oh look, that’s hot.”

Paris Hilton disclosed she has attention deficit disorder. Did you hear about the poor guy who has dyslexia and Tourette syndrome? He keeps shouting out “Mow ble,”

Paris in Summertime
Now that Paris Hilton is out of jail, she is not adapting well to life out of the joint. For example, today Paris pulled a shiv on her aroma therapist.

Did you see Paris Hilton on Larry King Live? At first I thought it was the Crypt Keeper introducing “Attack of the Killer Bimbos.”

Let’s review, Paris Hilton has gone to jail, Nicole Richey and Lindsay Lohan could go to jail, Martha Stewart went to prison, actor Tom Sizemore is going to prison. Its official, you now have a better chance to be locked up if you’re a celebrity than if you belong to al Qaeda.

Whew
Robin Williams is under fire from Catholics for making a joke about priests and pedophiles. A Catholic spokesperson actually argued that many priests charged are not technically pedophiles as they molested young teenagers, not children. Is everyone else as relived as I am?

Fitting tributes
A “Sports Illustrated” article lists all the sports stars who have landmarks named after them. Green Bay has a Ray Nitschke Memorial Bridge, Miami has a Don Shula Expressway and coming soon to Atlanta, the Michael Vick Pet Cemetery.

Atlanta Falcon QB, Michael Vick, is under federal investigation for illegal dog fighting after authorities discovered 37 dogs buried on his property. In fact, Vick has had to bury more dogs than Ben Affleck’s movie publicist.

That’s hot ‘till it’s not, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Something not-so-special in the air
Jet Blue ranked the highest in airline customer satisfaction. Continental was ahead, but they crapped out at the end.

Jet Blue ranked the highest in airline customer satisfaction. That’s like beating Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears at “Jeopardy.”:

No comparison
Paris Hilton’s trash is on sale on eBay. You know the difference between Paris’s trash and Paris’s CD? The quality of the trash is much higher.

Oh, too bad
Paris Hilton will be on probation until March. Paris was excited to find out she can reduce her probation time with community service. Unfortunately Paris found out servicing sexually doesn’t count.


Or Monica-osis
Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi, the hot-dog-eating king who recently lost his world record to an American, may not reclaim the title July 4 because of acute jaw pain. Due to over-straining his jaw swallowing hot dogs, Kobayashi was diagnosed with severe Paris Hilton-itis.

It’s relative
Tank Johnson was cut by the Chicago Bears after a DUI in Arizona. He already had been suspended for the first eight games of 2007 for violating probation on gun charges. He spent two months in jail. Or as the Cincinnati Bengals call this, citizen of the year.

Not good
A new study claims the oldest sibling is usually the smartest. Well so much for Jeb Bush ever running for president.

P. Day
Paris Hilton will be released from jail today. Tuesday. Girls, lock up your drunk boyfriends.

That makes sense
Rosie O’Donnell says she will not host “The Price is Right.” Rosie wants to spend more time screaming left wing conspiracy arguments at her family.

Since you asked:


Just saw a fascinating documentary “The War Room” on Clinton’s presidential campaign from the top of his staff, James Carvel and George Stephanopoulos and others. It gave brief but insightful peeks at the real feel of that campaign and that peek revealed incredible egos and piety that ran from the top down.

One telling scene showed the tall, bald and Grinch-like Carvel and cute munchkin Stephanopoulos strutting down a New York street intently discussing how they’re brilliance alone will help Clinton help the long-suffering, everyday people. Meanwhile Carvel and George, in their smug hurry, violently bump four of those same everyday people out of the way as they barge into their five star hotel.

Hypocrites, party of two? Your table is ready.

As rumors started to swirl about the endless Clinton infidelities, the campaign’s wagons weren’t just circled, they were sent out to attack. Clinton’s people honestly believed they were on a higher calling and that anyone who interrupted their righteous path was evil and deserved what they got no matter how cruel or hurtful. The Clinton’s eventual reckless disregard for anyone and everything else but them, including the reputation of the Presidency, proves this.

Bill and Hillary are studies in a megalomaniacal power couple who both use each other as well as everyone else. They have no friends because they need no friends. They need human disposable assets. Believe me, I knew a Hillary and Bill.

While undeniably charming, smart and shrewd, their colossal egos with a sociopath’s endless thirst for power and prestige – and money - combine in a potent cocktail that allows them to justify any means to achieve their goals. They believe that mere social morals or laws cannot interfere with their - in their minds - devine quest for success and power. Sadly, this is exactly what makes them great politicians.

As they are wildly selfish and only care about themselves, their megalomania has convinced them that whatever is good for them is good for the greater good. Several of the top people in Clinton’s campaign, Stephanopoulos, Carvel and even his former campaign manager, Dick Morris and yes, even Al Gore, now openly despise both Clintons because they lied and used them. But they were liars and users themselves and now that they don’t need the Clintons anymore, their blinders to their callous deceits are suddenly lifted?

B.S.

What was fascinating for me about “The War Room” was that I used to work on democratic congressional campaigns in Chicago with my Mother. Campaigns are a heady mix of ego maniacs and the sanctimonious wrapped up in both a sports atmosphere and a party at the same time. It is a cozy, smug, mutual back rubbing vibe of “Aren’t we so wonderful to be working for the good and just side?”

Carvel and Stephanopoulos can stroke each other’s huge egos as long and hard as they want as to how their genius got their Reverend Jimmy Jones-like leader, Clinton, elected. But the person who put Clinton in office wasn’t Clinton, Carvel or cute little George, it was that evil grumpy dwarf Ross Perot. ( I swear there are times when I want to pet George behind the ear and say “Who is a cute widdle guy?”)

Don’t get me wrong, there are also colossal egos with a sociopath’s thirst for power on the republican side. Their conceit comes from Ivy league schools and plush corporate board rooms. At least the democrats try and assuage their lust for power with an intent to help the downtrodden, no matter how insufferably preachy they are about it. See: Ted Kennedy.

The republican politicians make no pretense about helping the poor. Give the devil his due, the republicans are more honest about being greedy. But that candor and transparency doesn’t make them any less grasping and despicable. See: Dick Cheney.

But whether republican or democrat, what is the alternative? You want to run a egoless gentlemen and nice guy to run for President? How did that work out for Paul Tsongas? How did that work out for Thomas Eagleton or Hubert Humphrey or Jerry Ford or Eugene McCarthy?

In politics hot wins and nice is ice.

You need a user and an egomaniac to run for president simply to make it through the grueling electoral process. In today’s elections it is the last person standing who wins. You will get hit with poop and you must throw poop back. The winner is the egomaniac with the least poop on him.

To which I reference the great scene in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” Two grimy peasants witness a noblemen ride by them. One says to the other:

“He must be a King.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Cause he ain’t got sh*t all over him.”

‘Cause that how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ouch
Neighbors of Paris Hilton want her out saying Paris is an awful person who mistreats her pets. That’s not surprising, Paris is particularly hard on her Schnauzer.

Get it?
There is a video tape which shows the graduation ceremony for 300 suicide bombers. You know what the theme was for their graduation dance? Blue Bayou.


Only fair
NBC is going to pay Paris Hilton $1 mil for her post jail interview; it is part of NBC’s new charity to support all rich untalented skanky drunk driving parole violators. So to be fair, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richey will also be getting get a million from NBC.


Tune
Hillary Clinton has picked her campaign song, Celine Dion’s “You and I.” Dennis Kucinich has a campaign song too. Not one song really, just whatever is playing on the intercom when he works at Wal Mart.

Hillary Clinton has picked her campaign song, Celine Dion’s “You and I.” Democratic candidate Chris Dodd has picked his campaign song too, the Who’s “Who Are You?”

That is disgusting
On a Continental flight from Amsterdam to Newark, the toilets over-flowed with human waste. That’s not the worst of it. The in-flight movie was “Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo.”



We up and done unhooked it like you read about this weekend.

My soon-to-be nine-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline is goofy about critters. We have three, two labs, Kasey and Wrigley, and a Beta fish named Manchester, all of whom A.C. dotes on.

In addition, last week we signed her up for “Critter Camp” at the Helen Woodward Animal Center where she got to see and learn about all types of lizards, birds, rodents, mammals, you name it. And of course, her favorite, the pony named Snacks.

So Saturday a good friend of ours, Rich, who basically runs the Wild Animal Park hospital, offered to take us, A.C. me, my wife Virg and our friend Stacy, on a personal tour. First we saw the state-of-the-art hospital with James Bond-like gadgets and cameras and winches and hoists. There a Cheetah hissed and lunged at us in her cage and an African ram reared up on his hind hoofs to charge. (This is after Rich good-naturedly goaded them)

Then we hopped in the truck with a bucket of carrots and apple slices and took off for the main park. Wild is right, we were driving along in the Wild Animal Park among all the critters. Ann Caroline hand fed three giraffes. Giraffes are so cool and mellow and, well, ethereal.

Then we went through the double automatic gates into the India preserve and we hand fed apples to a – no, I am not lying – an Indian rhino. The female rhino stuck her big ol’ head into the cab of the truck while Virg, my wife, tossed apple chunks into her huge, gaping mouth.

How many people got to say they hand fed a rhino this weekend and not have it mean some expression for something dirty?

Speaking of critters

Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick's charity golf tournament was canceled because investigators found 37 dog-fighting dogs buried on Vick’s property. How would you like to be the owner of the Atlanta Falcons, Arthur Blank, right now? You have a team, named after an endangered species, incidentally, with a quarterback you’re paying well over $130 million who caused the brutal slaughter of 37 dogs in a country that gladly paid $40 billion this year in pet care?

Suddenly New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner doesn’t look so dumb.