Thursday, February 21, 2002

Hey Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, I got the inside scoop about the big finale for the Winter Olympic closing ceremonies; remember that little kid skating around with the lantern? He is going to beat up Bob Costas.

Speaking of NBC. "Today Show star" Katie Kouric complained about her job on the air saying it’s hard to go to bed early enough to get up and do the show. Apparently $65 million can’t buy a good alarm clock anymore.If Katie thinks getting paid $65 mil to do a show is a pain in the butt, she better have another colon exam video taped.

‘N Sync’s Lance Bass is in talks to take a Soyuz taxi mission from Russia to the International Space Station in November 2002. You know what you call a boy band member in outer space? A good start.

The trial has begun on the San Francisco killer Dog mauling case. The dogs were put to sleep and the owners are on trial. Personally, I think it should have been the other way around. When the lawyers presented opening remarks in the San Francisco Dog mauling case, the defense got on all fours and started barking. She didn’t look much like a dog, but her resemblance to a lawyer was uncanny.

A lawyer imitating a bloodthirsty killer dog is like a snake imitating a worm. The prosecutor claims the dog owners knew the two dogs were vicious. After all, they named the dogs Mike and Tyson.

Flights out of Louisville International Airport were delayed Tuesday so passengers could be re-screened after a security employee fell asleep. Apparently all that unnecessary woman frisking is very tiring.

I can say this, because I was born in Louisville - and I don't have a sister. The problem of the overly tired Louisville airport guard originated when federal authorities – meaning to encourage him to be courteous - advised the security guard to frisk women like they were his sister. Big mistake in Kentucky.

Maxim magazine surveyed one hundred women on what they hate that men do during sex. Among them was changing speeds too quickly; unresponsive kissing; messy ear kissing; heavy-handed foreplay. But the one thing the one hundred women really hated during sex is when he calls them Hillary by mistake.

And finally.

The U.S.’s Tristan Gale won the gold in the women’s skeleton competition. In fact, it was the fastest any woman has ever ridden a skeleton since, well, Anna Nicole Smith's old husband died.

I am off to Las Vegas. Wish me luck. I will need it. Not because of gambling, but because of the knuckleheads I am driving out there with, excuse my preposition. There are bailbondsmen in my future.

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

A man was apprehended at LA International Airport trying to pass a bomb through security. The man was arrested and his script for “Glitter 2” was confiscated. Speaking of airports:

Flights out of Louisville International Airport were delayed Tuesday so passengers could be re-screened after a security employee fell asleep. It’s good to see that new Federal Employee training program is working so well so soon. In defense, the security guard’s attorney invoked the local Plumb-Tuckered-Out ‘N Nappin’ labor statuette.

In case you didn't know, an International Airport in Kentucky is an airport that flies into the land of Northern aggressors from that recent unpleasantness Yankees call the Civil War. (See now, I can say these things because I was born in lovely Louisville Kentucky and I can kid 'cause I care 'bout my Ol', soft, sweet, Kentucky home.)

A skater from Belarus has left the Olympics after a drug test found a steroid level 380 times the legal limit. They are serious about this hormone testing. If Tonya Harding were to compete today it would have to be in men’s division.

The Supreme Court ruled that students may grade each other's work in class without violating federal privacy law. What’s the big deal about another student grading your work? In high school I once let another student grade my work. It was the least I could do, after all, I made him write it in the first place. Brian Palmer, whevever you are, thank you.

Grading has changed. They got rid of F. Now the lowest grade you can get is E. It stands for Enron. Shnadabingdakaboom.

The Supreme Court is being urged to stop states from executing mentally retarded killers. This is very important because it will probably have an impact Mike Tyson’s future.

Kristina Koznick, the last skier left with a chance of preventing an Alpine medal shutout for American women, crashed out of the first run of the slalom. One American woman skier has fallen in every one of her runs. These women are falling down so fast, you’d think they were being coached by Monica Lewinski.

And that's all for now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. Anyone out there? Drop me a line.

Monday, February 18, 2002

Here is some President's Day trivia: Reagan was the oldest president elected, at 69. Kennedy was the youngest elected, 43. Abe Lincoln was the tallest at 6 ft 4, and James Madison, at 5ft 4, was the shortest. President Jimmy Carter lusted in his heart and President Bill Clinton lusted on Monica's dress.

Happy Presidents Day. A word of warning to women in bars near Bill Clinton’s Chappaqua New York home: President’s day does not mean you are legally required to sleep with an ex-president.

Well, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, it turns out the French Judge had a few excuses for voting for the Russian pair.

A) Apparently she couldn’t concentrate because she couldn’t stop fantasizing about that little sex monkey Scott Hamilton.

B) That Russian guy reminded her of a young Jerry Lewis.


C) The U.S. was out of it; the Canadians were as close as she could get to being rude to Americans.

Sunday, February 17, 2002

OK, torn whores and Nugget Ranchers, I need your help. We may get a yellow lab boy puppy to go with our six-year-old girl lab Kasey. Here the name choices: Duncan, Howie, Stewie, Ernie, Henley - after the Eagle- Morgan, Wally and Rory. Last one is kind of hard for our Three year old daughter, Ann Caroline, to say.

So let me know.