Friday, November 08, 2002

You so crazy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Koko, California's famous ''talking'' gorilla, who is said to have mastered some 1,000 terms in American sign language, has ''written'' lyrics for a new album .How does that make Mariah Carey feel to know that a gorilla has a record contract and she doesn’t?

Winona Ryder’s sentence was harsher than I thought: she was sentenced to stand behind Lizzie Grubman’s SUV and direct her while she parallel parks.

Despite rumors of building delays, International Olympic Committee inspectors gave Athens a positive report saying the site of the 2004 games is ``taking Olympic shape.'' Apparently the Olympic committee misunderstood when they heard the Greeks really got behind in their work.

As you’ve heard, Winona Ryder was found guilty of shop-lifting. I just saw her last movie, “Mr. Deeds.” Winona steals the movie. I mean that, she actually stole the movie.

Rumor has it that retired and heavily concussed ex-Dallas Cowboy quarterback Troy Aikman is considering a comeback with the Miami Dolphins. Medical experts are against it. One more concussion, and Aikman could be brain damaged. Three more concussions and Aikman could be Terry Bradshaw.

The United Nations Security Council unanimously approved a tough new Iraq resolution Friday, forcing Saddam Hussein to disarm or face ''serious consequences'' that would almost certainly mean war. Serious consequences? How are they going to punish them? They already live in Iraq.

The United States and France reached agreement on a new Security Council resolution on Iraq. France was quick to concur once we pointed out that, without U.S. support, Saddam Hussein, would only need one thing if he wanted to invade France: Directions on how to get there.

Thursday, November 07, 2002

Don't you bring that stuff in my house, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The United States and France reached agreement on a new Security Council resolution on Iraq. France was quick to concur once we pointed out that, if the U.S. didn’t intervene, Saddam Hussein would only need one thing if he wanted to invade France: Directions on how to get there.

Singer Bobby Brown was arrested in Atlanta for possession of marijuana, no drivers license and no proof of insurance. How messed up are you when you have to call Whitney Houston to come bail you out?

A study shows that even knowing you will be involved in a positive humorous event days in advance reduces levels of stress hormones in the blood and lowers blood pressure. How many are reading this on orders from your cheap-ass HMO?

Former San Francisco manager Dusty Baker is rumored to be lined up for the Chicago Cubs manager’s spot. In baseball, that’s just a little better than being lined up for a firing squad. That’s good news for the Cubs players. With all of their kids running around the dugout, just think of all the money they will save on day care. If the Chicago Cubs hire Dusty Baker, it will be wild at Wrigley Field. Rumor has it that not only will Dusty allow kids in the dugout, but everyone’s family pet too. And, what the heck, invite Uncle Louie to barbeque his famous bratwursts.

The country of Iraq wants to boost tourism. Yeah, right. Madonna and Christine Aguilera have a better chance of being christened saints.How would you like to be an Iraqi travel agent? You thought the Maytag repairman was lonely. What is the Iraqi tourist motto?

“Come for the torture, stay for the torment.”


“Come Spend Your Vile Money and Leave, You Evil Infidels.”


“Death to All Infidel Americans. But before then, come and visit us, you here?”

Iraq claims that they get 50,000 tourists a month. Or as the tourists are otherwise referred to, detainees.

I am more than a little worried if they convict Martha Stewart of insider trading. Those housewives will start to riot: swipe other people’s Starbucks orders, take twelve items in the ten items or less grocery line, drop off their kids at school in the pickup lane. Mass hysteria. You thought soccer Moms drove badly before? Wait until they furiously drive around rioting over Martha’s verdict.

I don’t want to sound old, here, but I watched an NBA game, and is there some rule now that players have to have endless tattoos? These guys look like the result of combining a really bored sixth grader with a Sharpee pen.

NASA has put out a document that refutes the conspiracy theorists who think the moon landing was fake. Now all we have to do is convince those whackos that Hitler’s brain is not still alive; President Roosevelt didn’t plan the attack on Pearl Harbor and that Dr. Phil is not, in fact, Satan. OK, that last one might be tough . . .

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Peeps all up in this here hizhouse say yeah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New York City had been chosen as the United States candidate for the 2012 Summer Olympics. Of course, if the Olympics are in New York, the Olympic motto will have to be temporarily changed from Swifter, Higher, Stronger to Louder, Ruder, Crankier. Oh come on, New York, I'm just kidding. I kid because I care because I lived there.

Today was election day. Or as they call it in Florida, the first and most crucial step in an exercise in utter and total futility.

A pro soccer team from Madagascar scored 149 goals last week against itself. After a questionable call, a coach ordered his team to shoot at their own goal. It is the most anyone has scored against themselves since George Michaels was arrested in a public bathroom.

U.S. forces launched a pinpoint missile strike in Yemen, killing a top al-Qaida operative in his car in the first such overt attack outside of Afghanistan. I just have one thing to say about this blatant act of aggression: Yes!

Today on “Dr. Phil” Dr. Phil is going to address road rage and the anger epidemic in our country. Oh, so simply by talking about anger on his show, Dr. Phil thinks he can put a stop to it? That kind of pompous arrogance just makes me so furious I could go berserk. One time this psycho-babble know-it-all, like Dr. Phil, told me I had anger issues. I told him he was going to have broken nose issues. I showed him, huh?

Now doctors are studying if giving patients certain drugs just before an operation could prevent the memory loss and mental decline by essentially protecting the patients' brain cells from the rigors of surgery. Or something like that, I can’t remember since my tonsils were removed.

Winona Ryder’s attorneys claim that Saks Fifth Ave. security guards targeted the actress. Who is her attorney, Johnny Cochran?

“If in the purse it fits, you must acquit.”

Monday, November 04, 2002

You da man, dawgs. Or is it, you da dawg, man? Either way, rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Researchers have found people who live near the Three Mile Island nuclear plant show no significant increase in cancer deaths more than 20 years after an accident. The locals were so delighted by the news, they exchanged high fins.

A violent 7.9 earthquake slammed a remote area of Alaska's interior, one of the strongest ever recorded in the United States. To give you an idea how strong the earthquake was, it actually shook some people into a theater showing Madonna’s “Swept Away.”

Five men arrested on suspicion of plotting to kidnap Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice, were arrested. They were going to kidnap Melanie Brown, Scary Spice, but they realized that they would probably end up having to pay the ransom themselves to give her back. Can you imagine if they kidnapped the difficult Scary Spice, Melanie Brown? It would be the first kidnapping ever that ended due to creative differences.

Three Kenyans took the top places at the New York marathon. In other equally shocking sports news, guys missing a few teeth played hockey.

Notre Dame and the San Diego Chargers have something in common. Both suffered huge upsets after making a jersey change. These were the worst career fashion moves since Bjork wore a goose to the Oscars.

Six al-Qaida suspects were killed when the car they were traveling in blew up accidentally in Yemen. And they say all the news is depressing these days.

Rosie O'Donnell says that if she still had her talk show, she would use it as a forum to defend Martha Stewart. Looks like we dodged two bullets there.

On “Fox NFL” Terry Bradshaw apologized for calling San Francisco quarterback Jeff Garcia ugly. First of all, Bradshaw calling anyone ugly is like Madonna calling someone a bad actress. Secondly, Jeff Garcia is a good-looking guy. Terry Bradshaw looks the like the guy who played the banjo on the porch in “Deliverance.”

The Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio? He turned 41 today. How did that happen? I didn’t think the guy who played Mr. Mayagi, Pat Morita, was 41 yet.

New York was selected by the Olympic committee over San Francisco for the U.S. candidate for the 2012 summer Olympics. Apparently they liked New York’s mascot, Vinny the Cocky Subway Rat over San Francisco’s Pierce the Catty Hairdresser. In addition, they liked New York’s motto “Fuggettaboutit” over San Francisco’s “Oh, Get Over Yourself, Person.”

If they get the Olympics, the host city, New York, gets to pick an event. So far the leading choices are the Tourist Roll, the Subway Turnstyle Hurdles and the 400 meter Taxi Chase.

David Schwimmer who plays Ross on “Friends” turned 36 over the weekend. Sigh (Whining voice) Umm, uhh, well, happy birthday, I guess. Sigh.

Barbara Walters is interviewing Justin Timberlake Monday on ABC. Good scheduling move. There is nothing that Monday Night Football fans want to see more than a weepy interview of a member of a boy band.

Brad Pitt has announced he is publishing a book of poems to Jennifer Aniston. Even Jewel is making fun of this information.