Woulda, coulda, shoulda, buggah, buggah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Maine voted against gay marriage. In a related story, there is a sudden plummet of sales of Maine’s lobsters, antiques and L.L. Bean’s women’s comfort camper boots.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; I thought it was unnecessarily mean the way the judge issued the sentence while playing the song “Mustang Sally.”


On Twitter, Paris Hilton showed a picture of her in a huge limo. How huge? The limo was so big it fit Paris and her vagina.



A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; I thought it was unnecessarily mean the way the judge issued the sentence while playing the song; “Back in the saddle again.”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; look for the movie based on this; “My Friend With Benefits, Flicka.”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; I’d give anything to see the look on his cellmate’s face when he answers; “So what are you in for?”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; that’s a pretty stiff sentence for South Carolina, the guy wasn’t even related to the horse.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; the judge suspected he was guilty when he asked the guy his age and he stomped out the answer with his foot.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; when asked if he had sex with a mare, the man became indignant and said; “Of course, I’m straight.”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; this was also the first ever case of sexually transmitted hoof and mouth disease.


Since you asked:

Last night decadent to the point of pure evil. A couple-o-San Diego Sunsets (Mount Gay rum, coconut water and squeeze of lime on rocks) Argentine grilled filet mignon topped with fresh crap meat and drizzled with roasted garlic mustard butter, and glass or two of Cabernet and a good movie, Blu ray of “Taking of Pelham 123.” Two words: boo and yah.

Talk about being at the right place at the right time

JFGI, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; the judge suspected he was guilty when he asked the man if he had anything to say in his defense and he said; “Neigh.”

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez commissioned two artists to paint him as a centaur; does this mean Philly fans weren’t wrong to call A-Rod a horse’s ass?

Game six of the World Series is tonight in New York’s Yankee stadium, unless it rains. Rain in the Northeast in November? Who ever heard of such a thing? This global warming thing is out of control.

The lawsuit over the cost of former Miss California, Carrie Prejean’s breast implants has been settled out of court. Gov. Schwarzenegger volunteered to arbitrate and examine the evidence.

“Twilight” star Kristen Stewart hates being famous; talk about a poor career choice. There just aren’t many openings for unknown and anonymous movie stars.

Girls, if you’re looking for a good Fall gift for your man, you can’t go wrong with a Snuggie, the blanket with arms now comes with two pockets where men can put their masculinity and their pride.

Maine voted down a law allowing same-sex marriage. In a related story, in gay protest, Maine antique stores can anticipate a huge drop in business this weekend.

President Barack Obama campaigned for Chicago and Rio got the 2012 Olympics, Obama stumped for democratic governors and yesterday the republicans won. Today Obama offered to cheer for the Philadelphia Phillies and they said; “That’s OK. We’re good.”

Since you asked: Reading more about the whacked out Los Angeles music scene in the Seventies. It is amazing just how incestuous it was. From Winnetka, Illinois in 1974, I could see that everybody was playing on everybody else’s albums, James Taylor, Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Linda Rondstadt, Joni Mitchell, Dan Fogelberg, Jackson Browne, J.D. Souther, Randy Newman, Warren Zevon, et al. But the musical inbreeding went even deeper. Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones were drawn to Los Angeles like moths to the flame. So was Bob Dylan. So was Eric Clapton. Many swear the Stones stole “Wild Horses” from Graham Parsons. Led Zeppelin quickly tired of the candlelit mutual schmoozing with acoustic guitar fests of Laurel Canyon – even though that was what “Misty Mountain Hop” and “Going to California” were written about - and decided to look for inspiration in the Tom Waits/Doors seedy side of the Los Angeles scene. Cue: “When the Levee Breaks.” The Stones have a long-standing reputation of chewing up and then spitting out their musical influences. From Muddy Waters and Chuck Berry to Elton John, they are like royalty crowing; "Bring him to me, he amuses me" and once they have gleaned what they can, they discard them. That is what Richards did with Gram Parsons. Zep’s Plant and Page and Bonham and Jones trashed and partied with bikers and low life’s at the Hyatt “Riot House” on Sunset Blvd, not exactly slumming, but no mellow fern and incense Lookout Mountain backyard party either. My impression is that most musician types were the polar opposite of the cool kids in high school. They were the loners playing guitar on the stairs of the party until the real cool kid, John Belushi, thankfully smashes the guitar into smithereens against the wall. And they take this tormented loser personality into the studio and it shows in their earlier heart-wrenching love-gone-wrong “Best of My Love” “Daisy Jane” “Fountain of Sorry” songs. Suddenly the long-tormented high school losers are getting babes, blow and tons of dough and they don’t know how to handle it. So they start acting like how they think the cool kids are supposed to act, aloof, rude, arrogant and snotty, and they do it very, very badly. The real cool kids in music – like Jimi Hendrix and Keith Richards - don’t try to be cool, they just were/are cool. Many of the late Sixties and Seventies bands from L.A., from the Doors all the way through to Motley Crux, had a phony air of faux cool. It was a California cool they were trying to package and market and that always ends up reeking of insincerity. Kind of like songs about the music business disguised as love songs. Don’t get me wrong, I love “Wasted Time” but that is clearly about the Eagles’ endless time in the studio and not sympathy for a heart-broken dumped lover. “Poor me, I have to take a limo from my hotel suite down to a radio station and do an interview when I would rather be doing tequila shots out of a hot groupies naval. Can’t you feel my pain?” No, actually we can’t you adult spoiled brat. Now take a weapon and stand a post. Either way I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to. (Sorry, I’ve been lapsing into Col. Jessep a lot lately) High school with money is right. All of these dyed-in-the-wool loners and losers from all over the country were scrambling over each other in Los Angeles in a desperate attempt to look like the coolest jocks who got the hot cheerleaders. “Oh, I’m sorry, you can’t ride in our limo, you take the next one. Snort, snort.” Using Richard Nixon as a drastic example, being a high school loser can both horribly scar and tremendously motivate someone for the rest of their lives. But, tragically, in the end, the scars are always there. And, in the end, even they, the rock stars, aren’t believing their own masquerade. Sure, some ended up with money and fame, but they all pretty much lost most of their souls somewhere along the way. As badly as they may have been treated by the jocks, cool kids and pretty cheerleaders in high school, they ended up abusing their fans, groupies, roadies and managers ten times more. You can't do that without selling your soul. But the music was awesome and we got to keep that. If you ask me, I think we, in the long run – sorry, Glenn and Don - came out ahead. Me and you, the regular folks, we got to keep the music and keep our souls.

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I'm not a car guy, but if I was rich, I would own a car like this.

We gonna run the fun up in this right here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Minnesota Viking Brett Favre beat his old team the Packers in Green Bay 38-26. Favre is getting up there, after the win the team dumped a bucket of Metamucil on his head.

Favre is getting up there, In honor of Favre, the Vikings team bus always leaves its turn signal on.

Minnesota Viking Brett Favre beat his old team the Packers in Green Bay 38-26. Favre is getting up there, after the game the ball reeks of Ben Gay and Vicks Vapo rub.

Favre is getting up there, before he calls the signals, he looks at the defense and yells; “You punks get off my lawn.”

Mel Gibson and his girlfriend had a baby Shiksha. Mazel tov. Such a blessing you shouldn’t believe, oy vay.

The US’s Mebrathom Keflezeghi, won the New York Marathon; when you spell check the name Mebrathom, the correction suggestion is marathon. And when you spell check Keflezeghi the suggestion is: Gesundheit.

The Chicago Cubs have become the first pro sports team to have an openly gay part owner, Laura Ricketts. But that’s if you don’t count the Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis who is always looking for ways to screw his players.

And there is no truth to the rumor that Laura Ricketts wants the Cubs to start playing softball.

Underrated Later Poco

What to the heck to the oh to the hell to the no, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Minnesota Viking Brett Favre beat his old team the Packers in Green Bay 38-26. During Favre’s introduction he was loudly booed by his old fans. That was disappointing to me. It would have been more appropriate if they cheered, then booed, then cheered, then booed. Then cheered.

Vanda, a drug that stops schizophrenia, is coming out in 2010; oh, that is great news. No it isn’t, that’s horrible news. No, it’s good news. No it is not. Yes it is. No it’s not.

A judge has granted magician David Copperfield a six month delay in the sexual harassment suit filed against him by Miss Washington. Oh my word, this is shocking. A Las Vegas magician who isn’t gay? How is that possible?

Elton John had to cancel concerts after falling ill with e-coli infection and flu symptoms; no word yet on exactly when the bitch, oh the bitch, oh the bitch is back.

Elton John had to cancel concerts after falling ill with e-coli infection; I am going to lie down and fight the urge to make an e-coli joke about the creator of the song; “Brown Dirt Cowboy.”

Vanda, a new drug that stops schizophrenia, is coming out in 2010; this is great news for everybody except the five to seven different people living in Lindsay Lohan’s head.

Ashlee Simpson is being written out of “Melrose Place” because insiders say her acting is so horrible; the problem stems from the fact that it is not possible to lip-synch acting.

Ashlee Simpson is being written out of “Melrose Place” because insiders say her acting is so horrible; Ashlee is going to go back and focus on her pretending-to-sing career.

Since you asked:

It has been said by many, including me, that the BTO line; “Get a second-hand guitar, chances are you’ll go far” wasn’t far off when describing the Los Angeles music scene in the early Seventies. And that may have been true when it came to making a living playing music. But it certainly wasn’t a guarantee for wealth and fame.

There were an incredible list of amazingly talented bands – as talented as the Eagles or Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, or America or the Byrds or the Doobie Brothers, or Fleetwood Mac, Joni Mitchell, Jackson Browne and James Taylor, Linda Ronstadt and Jimmy Buffett. And these famous bands and singers would be the first to admit there were many who were as or more talented who didn’t make it. Well, maybe Glenn Frey wouldn’t admit it.

The Flying Burrito Brothers had should-have-been-legends Chris Hillman and Gram Parsons. Buffalo Springfield had almost everyone, Neil Young, Steven Stills Jim Messina and Richard Furay who left and joined Poco who initially had both high singing bass players for the Eagles, Randy Meisner and Timothy B. Schmidt. Poco and Buffalo Springfield and the Flying Burrito Brothers will always be on the all time underrated bands. How underrated? They are as underrated as Kiss and Van Halen are overrated.

Now that is underrated.

Nobody heard of The Section which had legendary studio musicians such as Russ Kunkel, Lee Sklar, Danny Kortchmar and Craig Doerge. Crazy Horse only made it as Neil Young’s band and it featured Danny Whitten, Jack Nitzshe (Eagles songwriter), Billy Talbot and Ralph Molina. Souther Hillman Furay were three legends in the Laurel Canyon music scene, J.D., Chris and Richard, and they went nowhere. Little Feet, an amazingly talented L.A. band, is known for one song and that was a guest appearance by Dr. John. “Dixie Chicken.”

Canada’s L.A. transplant, Guess Who were big, but still horribly underrated.

The thing that was so tricky about this time was the type of music you like and listened to defined who you were in society. And there was little crossing over. Pot smoking hippies only liked folk music written by social poets, like Joni and Bob Dylan. They hated everything about hard rock and electric guitars played by the hard core acid-dropping and coke-snorting hippies.

And both of those camps viewed country music as red neck racist music. So these bands really walked a tight rope of offending one side or the other when they labeled and or named themselves. (Britain didn't seem to make those distinctions and the Beatles and the Who and the Stones were somehow exempt and accepted for doing folk and blues and rock)

In 1969 it seemed bands were either mellow folk music, or they were amped out on hard drugs and cranking their amps, like Jimi, Cream and The Who. The key group to find a middle ground was Crosby, Stills and Nash. And also Credence Clearwater Revival.

For some, James Taylor was too mellow. For others, Poco was too country. Guess Who were too hard rock. Glyn Johns, who produced Led Zeppelin, also had this bias and he forced the Eagles to play banjo- infused country music until they fired him for Bill "Can I please by a vowel" Szymczyk who produced "On the Border and "One of These Nights" and the rest of their albums. It was Johns contention the world didn't need more half-assed Led Zeppelin and America had a unique sound in country combined with folk.

One continuous theme during this time repeated by the witnesses was cocaine's impact. It came in like a fun Malibu wave to surf and ended up being a tsunami that wrecked entire bands and destroyed countless lives. Managing egomaniacs gacked up to the gills on coke was an art itself. On "Long Time Gone" you can hear how jacked up and plugged up Stephen Stills nose is.

During a Los Angeles live radio interview right before the release of "Hotel California" , Henley and Frey and the DJ were so cranked they all talked at the same time. At the time, I was a freshman in college and had never seen anyone doing cocaine, but I knew what was happening.

It for those who did make it, it seems it was typical to start a band with a bunch of good-looking, affable, broke-ass, but talented musicians singers and songwriters and, after adding a ton of money, pushy record producers, sports cars, Lear jets, custom jewelry, Malibu and Laurel Canyon mansions, hot young groupies and a boatload of cocaine and booze, and you ended up with some of most difficult, snotty, testy, egomaniac a-holes on the planet.

And, let’s face it, there were some downright crappy American bands who made it huge, coke notwithstanding. Two of the crappiest bands to make it big were the same band, Jefferson Airplane and Jefferson Starship. (Don’t force me to quote lyrics from “Miracles.”) Pablo Cruise? They sucked. Firefall? Not so good. Bread? Ambrosa? And Europe had some suckie bands also. Abba? Bee Gees? Suck, suck, suck, suck and I am just in the A’s and B’s.

There is no decent explanation why I should have ever have been standing butts to crotch in the 100 degree infield of Comisky Park listening to Pablo Cruise sing something besides their one hit: "Love Will Find a Way." But I did and I will never get that time back.

And yet the list of Seventies bands and singers who had hits and did well but still sucked is endless:

Captain and Tenille

The Carpenters (But I did like some of their stuff)

Terry Jacks (“Seasons in the Sun” for the love of god?)

Kansas and Boston both sucked and should have been sued by their respective state and city.

John Denver? Good back then, sucks now.

Paper Lace and "The Night Chicago Died" were all the proof anyone needed to know that the music business from the top to the DJ's who played that crap were addle-headed on cocaine.

Helen Reddy, Al Stewart, Maria Muldaur. (sp?)

Wings had a Beatle in it and they still sucked.

Leo fricking Sayer? He was literally a midget clown.

Golden Earring and I like “Radar Love.”

Barry Manilow sucked, sucked, and literally, as it turns out, sucked.

Peter Frampton was good to OK, but why did he get so wildly huge? Way overrated.

Heart was just mediocre to good at best, so why did take over the radio in the mid-seventies?

Marshall Tucker was pretty good but they went global.

America – which went nuts in that era – came to our local North Chicago outside concert venue, Ravinia, and, as popular as their hits were, they couldn’t have sucked more in concert. Part of the problem was that their lead singer was so drunk he couldn’t sit on a stool.

We gots us a magazine SUP Broheims

Whimpy, whompy, whombly, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Florida, 27-year-old Joel Waul took six years to construct the world record ball made out of rubber bands, at 6 feet, 7 inches tall and over 9,000 lbs. And here’s the best part girls: he’s single.

ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with an intern. Between this guy and Letterman these TV guys are really putting the in in intern.

Tennis star Andre Agassi admitted in his biography that he used crystal meth; although that is shocking, it does explain some of his neon tennis outfits and his mullet hair style.

Tennis star Andre Agassi admitted in his biography that he used crystal meth; this is proof that tennis is so boring to watch even the players have to be on drugs.

“Travel & Leisure” magazine named Philadelphia the least friendliest, least stylish city with the ugliest people; Trenton, New Jersey immediately demanded a recount.

ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with a co-worker, and now he is in sex addiction rehab. Apparently cheating on your wife is a real medical condition. It’s called: Bill Clintonitis.

“Jon & Kate Plus 8” Jon Gosselin and the Octomom, Nadya Suleman, are set to go on a date for a new reality show; I believe the name of the show is: “Why the Rest of The World Hates Us.”

ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with a co-worker, and now he is in sex addiction rehab. There is a reason so many male celebrities become sex addicts. The medical term is: Because They Can-itis.

Two Northwest pilots who overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles claim they got distracted while on their laptops; it may be true, the landing announcement was: “OMG, we totally, like, missed the airport, WTF? LOL, were gonna land now, laters.”

A controversy has swirled over New York Jets QB Mark Sanchez caught on the sidelines eating a hot dog during their 38-0 drubbing of the Oakland Raiders. Which is ironic because the Raiders are the ones who bit the weenie.

Since you asked:

So I go to the grocery store to get stuff for our intimate Halloween cocktail party: grilled corn salsa, grilled shrimp with yum yum sauce, and grilled filet mignon skewers with a red wine reduction sauce. (AC and Virg made an awesome cemetery out of the guac dip and parsley and chips for headstones and pretzels for the fence and broccoli for the bushes)

Ran out of gas at the top of the hill.

So I coast backwards one whole block in the bike lane and turn into a side street. Push the car while steering across a busy intersection, hop in and coast downhill on the way to the gas station. I’ve got the green light and I am going to make it all the way down the hill into the gas station, when some mother #@$&* cuts me off and I have to turn into the grocery store parking lot.

Run the half mile to the gas station, get the stinky plastic can of gas, ran back, spill gas all over my shoes and me. Go to start the car. No keys. Ran half mile back to check if I left them at the pump. No. Figure they popped out of my pocket while running back, so I run back and forth from the grocery store to the gas station ten times to trace my steps and look for the keys. Ten times.

Keys were on top of the car the whole time. Good lord I am stupid.

The good news is, when I put on my Viking costume, I really looked like I had been in a battle.

Since you asked:

Since you asked:

Folks, we need to update some hand signals. For example, when you want someone to roll down their car window – probably so they can hear you curse them in a road rage situation - stop making the hand-cranking gesture. Unless your car was getting work done and you had to rent a car from Handcrank Rentals, you have not driven a car that has hand cranks to lower the window in twenty years.

Just point to the window and lower the point at the same speed the window automatically comes down. If you want to get creative you can act like you pushed the button first.

For phone gestures some of you still make the rotary motion with your finger for the old spin dialing phones. Stop doing that. Unless you are in a Motel Two in Moose Jaw Montana, it doesn’t have a rotary dial. And don’t use the big thumb and pinky extended phone and put the thumb by your ear and the pinky by your mouth. Phones haven’t been that big in ten years. Just act like you’re holding an invisible deck of cards up to your ear.

You wouldn’t gesture for someone to open a garage door by bending over and hoisting it up, would you? No. You push a button. You don’t tell someone to change the TV channel by getting up and cranking a dial around, do you? No, you point and click a remote.

Oh, and while we are at it – and, don’t kid yourself, we are at it – let’s put to rest the high five. My pal, Ray DelPhinky, who is still reeling from the severe Fantasy Football beat-down my Thor’s Thunder gave his Bwana, was way ahead of his time in shutting down the high five.

Now it is time we follow his noble lead. Just say no to the high five.

Speaking of my 6-2 tied-for-the-lead Thor’s Thunder Fantasy Football team, you are probably asking yourself, Lex, how do you manage to have such great Fantasy Football teams year in and year out?

Sure, a lot of has to do with the fact that I just have a more powerful football brain then 99.9% of all people. And all praise goes to Jesus with whom all things are possible – just fooling around.

But there are some simple hard and fast rules that I can give you that will help bolster you FF success next year.

The “Sports Illustrated” Fantasy Football issue is your bible. Get it, read it, know it, live it. These folks are smarter than you and me and they spend way more time than you ever could researching this stuff. On draft day have your top choices ready to go and underlined. And don’t stick to that damn “Running back first” BS. If a great QB or wide receiver or even a tight end comes up when it’s your pick, don’t be a slave to getting a probably mediocre running back who will probably get hurt. Two words: Clinton Portis. Actually, Portis is still pretty good, but you know what I mean . . .

In any given year, there are only four to five great running backs. The ones who were great last year are quickly becoming burnout cases. Shaun Alexander, LT, Kansas’s Larry Johnson, how many examples do you need of “franchise running backs” who are washed up the next year either do to injury or a key blocker who was traded?

Make rules and do not break them. Fantasy Football is like a multiple choice test, always stick with your first answer. Second guessing yourself is death. If a benched player beats a starter that week, they start the next week. No questions asked.

Square up, paddle hard and go left or right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Police in Arkansas are searching for the thief who stole two tractor trailer loads of tampons; the culprit is described as armed and bitchy. Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco, formally Chad Johnson, has a biography out. It is pretty interesting, he talks about how mad he was when he found out his new name in Spanish, Ochocinco, really means: donkey’s girlfriend. I had a bad dream last night, I dreamt I went dressed as a Northwest pilot and feel asleep and missed Halloween. ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with a co-worker, and now he is in sex addiction rehab. See, for me, sex addiction is like a gambling addiction: it’s only a problem if you’re not scoring. ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with a co-worker, and now he is in sex addiction rehab. Fooling around on your wife is a serious illness, it’s called John Edwardsosis. ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with a co-worker, and now he is in sex addiction rehab. Here is my question, if sex addiction is really a disease, wouldn’t Paris Hilton be dead? There is a petition circulating among 2-5 Washington Redskins fans to fire the owner, Daniel Snyder. How do you screw up being an owner? All you have to do is have your check clear. There is a petition circulating among 2-5 Washington Redskins fans to fire the owner, Daniel Snyder. Snyder is also an investor in amusement parks, which is odd when you consider Snyder is too short to get on any of the rides. How old is that Philadelphia Phillies manager, Charlie Manuel? Every time they show him in the dugout he looks like he is about to yell at the players: “You punks get off my lawn.”