Friday, September 18, 2009

Some people are awesome just because they are

Imma let you finish, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kanye West called Taylor Swift to apologize and Taylor Swift interrupted him and said Chris Brown’s apologies were better.

At his Hall of Fame speech, Michael Jordan said he is seriously considering a comeback to the NBA at age 50. Apparently Jordan has been eating off of Brett Favre’s plate again.

Several NFL players have donated their brains – after they die – to be examined for brain damage due to concussions. Upon hearing this, President Bush offered to donate his brain to science, but science said; “Gosh, you know what? We’re good. Thanks anyway.”

Congressman Joe Wilson shouts “You lie!” at President Obama, tennis star, Serena Williams shouts obscenities at a line judge, Kanye West interrupts Taylor Swift. That noise you hear? That’s etiquette expert Emily Post spinning in her grave.

Did you see Minnesota Viking Adrian Peterson’s 64 yard touchdown against the Cleveland Browns? You thought Kanye West was rude to Taylor Swift? Peterson shoved three would-be Browns tacklers right out of his way. It was so rude. And no apology.

The NFL will now fine players who put messages in their reflection-stopping eye-black tape, like Hi Mom. And they should, did you see what uncalled for words Michael Vick had in his eye-black tape? “Bow and Wow.”

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Oh my goodness . . .
They let the Iraqi journalist out of jail who chucked his shoes at Bush. And they should, he was no terrorist, he was a straight-laced, hard-working journalist, no loafer, a guy who was the sole bread winner for a family that needs to heel.

His name? I think it was al-Heave Adidas.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Yep, that's right, all of you surly, lazy Blockbuster clerk jerks are gone

What the what the what the, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

No matter what else dumb-ass crap I may pull in the future, for the rest of my life I can say I wrote the second joke that was on the second "The Jay Leno Show."

Here it is:

This Kanye West/Taylor Swift thing won't go away and the celebrities are coming down hard on Kanye West. Except for Chris Brown who said ; "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you."

Several NFL players have donated their brains to be studied for the effects of concussions. Except for the Detroit players, their brains are going to be examined to see why the hell they played for the Lions.

During their game Sunday against the Cincinnati Reds, a squirrel ran amok in the Chicago Cubs’ dugout. After his contact with the Cubs, the squirrel went acorn hunting and, sadly, went 0 for September.

At the US Open, Serena Williams got a maximum $10,000 fine for an ugly obscene tirade at a linesperson. Tennis insiders imply this is a steroid rage-fueled incident, particularly when Serena screamed; “Kiss my testicles.”

They asked Richard Williams, Serena's, um, enigmatic father where Serena might have learned such unstable behavior, Richard said;

"I have no idea. Unless she learned it from the Blortons when we trans-morphed through Pluto to Flangalatia on the way to Earth. Snert, snert wazkazoo."

Several NFL players have donated their brains to be studied for the effects of concussions. Except for Travis Henry – who has nine children with nine different mothers - Henry was going to donate his brain, but it was in his pants.

Dear Lady who was driving one-mile-an-hour in front of me:

You can either drive or park, you cannot do both at the same time. And you can also refrain from giving me the dirty look you gave me when I passed you going ten miles an hour. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to . . . sorry, I got little Jack Nicholson there for a second.

Mooooooon riverrrrrrrrrr . . .

Ding Dong the Blockbuster Witch is Dead

Have you ever asked where an item is in a huge grocery story? Even if you ask them not to, the clerk stops what they are doing and walks you to the item, even if it all the way across the store. Have you ever asked a Blockbuster clerk what section a movie is in? They don’t even look up and just vaguely point at the racks.

One time, I swear, I asked a Blockbuster clerk if they had a movie and, without looking up from text-messaging on his cell phone, he said;

“I don’t know.”

Blockbuster has always sucked as far as I am concerned. Back when I just bought my first VCR, there is a little video store in our neighborhood owned by this outgoing bearded movie nut who called himself and his store Captain Video. He actually would get dressed up in a Captain Video costume, cape, tights and all.

This guy was hilarious and he would get to know you and your movie tastes and make recommendations of movies you would never think to rent, but he was always right. It was brutal to watch him slowly get strangled out of business by the douche bags at Blockbuster.

Standing in one of the notoriously long and slow lines at Blockbuster, I saw a peeved-looking goth late teen girl Blockbuster clerk slam down the phone and angrily shout to nobody in particular;

"Oh my god, like that lady like asked me what the movie was about. Like, hasn't she even heard of the internet?"

Oh, you mean that thing where you are going to have to get on to find another job?

Ding dong, the Blockbuster witch is dead.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Don't forget to tune in Jay, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Several NFL players have agreed to donate their brains to science for the study of the effects of concussions on the brain. Except for the Oakland players, they are going to study their brains to see why anyone in their right mind would play for the Raiders and Al Davis.

Remember that guy who shouted "You lie" to Obama, Joe Wilson? Since he yelled that his campaign donations for the 2010 congressional election have doubled at over $1 million. Upon hearing this, Wilson shouted; "And bite me, Obama!"

Since you asked:

Saw "History" channels special "Manson." Wow, what a
disappointment. Got almost nothing out of it. But it did go a long way to answering my question as to why so many music and Hollywood types were protected in their close connections with Manson and their family.

The special featured the D.A., Vincent Bugloisi who was very impressive. Believe it or not, before the OJ trial and other high profile cases, D.A.'s weren't all shameless publicity whores. Don't get me wrong, Bugloisi had a huge ego and loved the camera, but he was a straight shooter and he didn't think dragging all the famous people that were connected to this case would do his argument any good. He wanted to nail Manson above all things.

The crazier and more blood thirsty he could make the Manson family seem, the better. If it came out that Neil Young had called Manson "a living poet" and compared him to Bob Dylan and Dennis Wilson thought he was a genius lyricist, and that Manson and his girls were a regular feature at the wild orgies in Laurel Canyon witnessed and participated by the who's who of the rock and roll Hall of Fame, it would have lent a huge whiff of credibility and status to Manson that Bugloisi did not want to give him credit for.

Facts like Manson had repeated orgy sex with Jane Fonda - which she happily admits - and many other famous movie stars would not help Bugliosi's case.

Plus there was the very real fact that, even with the participants of the Tate murderers in prison, it was well known that Manson had a celebrity death list that included all the celebrities who he thought owed him a career for the drugs and sex he provided. And, whether these celebrities actually participated or didn't, it included Steve McQueen, the Beatles* and just about everyone in that area that was world famous, which was seemingly everyone. And it was also known that Manson still had devout followers outside of jail, ala Squeeky Fromme, who could possibly carry out this death list. Bugloisi did not want to be responsible for another senseless celebrity killing.

Bugloisi got the exact impression of pivotal music exec and Manson fan, Terry Melcher, Doris Day's son, that I got from reading about him. Melcher was a lying weasel who brought a lot of this mess on because he had promised Manson the world and weaseled out when he got scared. Sure, Manson and his followers were murderers, but Melcher threw gas on the fire and ran away.

The running joke in Hollywood was that, if Manson had made it as a singer songwriter, he would not have been the craziest a-hole in the music business.

The other sense I got out of the documentary was just how pathetic the Manson family was near the end. They had been living pretty good with money coming in to the Spahn Ranch from the outskirts of the music business and things were wild and fun. But then that music connection died and Manson, now with speed and cocaine increasingly taking over, was desperate to keep his followers happy. There were many defections and Manson and his girls had to resort to petty crimes and even murders for pocket money.

These were dirt poor cult hippies who were now becoming continuously strung out and hungry.

The murders on Cielo showed just how desperate Manson was to keep his power over his people.

*The Beatles stopped touring right there and then. Coincidence? Who knows?