Saturday, January 05, 2008

We getting our playoff on, come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A new study reveals that monkeys treat sex as a commodity and females make the males pay for sex by bargaining for the males to do chores like grooming them. Which reminds me, Monkey Whores is the name of my new punk/techno-rock fusion band.

This brings an entirely new meaning to the term: Monkey Business.

A new study reveals that monkeys treat sex as a commodity and females make the males pay for sex by bargaining for the males to do chores like grooming them. Or something like that, I couldn’t finish the article because I had to take out the garbage and clean up the garage.

On this date in 1933, construction began on the Golden Gate bridge; and, on the very next day, reconstruction began on Joan Rivers.

Rumors claim Britney Spears threw violent tantrums during her involuntary hospitalization for mental illness examinations. It got so ugly at one point, in order to inflict intolerable pain on her subduers, Britney performed her act.

A big storm hit the west coast. It was so windy in Malibu a gust knocked Tom Cruise into the same bed with Katie Holmes.

Since you asked:
Love the rain. True it did ruin my chances of paddle boarding this weekend due to the victory-at-sea-like conditions and the resultant water pollution, but it is perfect for sitting inside and watching NFL playoff games. And for grilling my marinated chicken thighs with stir fry mushrooms and carrots served on basmati rice pilaf with my own Thai brown sauce*. It so good it make you wanna go home and slap your Chinese food delivery boy, is what it do do. (Heh, he said do-do, heh, heh)

Lex, you ask, as you and your Thor's Thunder are the all-knowing First Friday Fantasy Football League winners of a very challenging year that saw one team, the Bing Crosbies, go 14-2 and become almost unbeatable with Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson, Terrell Owens and Brandon Jacobs, and your team lost Deuce Macalister in the first game, promptly went 0-4 and you had to pick up eight players from the waiver wire, and yet you won anyway, what is your brilliant insight into the NFL playoffs?

Well, I don’t know about brilliant, well, OK, but I cannot underestimate the power of momentum going into the playoffs. This has me predicting loses for the New York Giants and as well as the Indianapolis Colts and the Tennessee Titans. Yes, I know the Colts are getting Marvin Harrison back, but I don’t care. The extent of their injuries do not vanish just because it is playoff time.

Now I was going to extend that prediction to the Jacksonville Jags, but they are so powerful at running back and their quarterback is getting hot, I think Pittsburgh will lose in a close one due to their weak running game. Fast Willy is adios’d along with the dishes. Plus they are named the Jags and that should be good for a couple more jokes at least. (Question: If the Jaguars name is shortened to Jags, why aren't the Titans the Tits?)

The Cowboys are like the Packers and the Giants in that neither of them are really that good and it doesn’t really matter who wins the NFC anyway because the Patriots or the Jags will beat them in the Super Bowl. Sure, the Redskins have the emotional edge, in memory of Sean Taylor, and we would all like to see them win as a result, but that is all they have, and they won't. Win, that is.

The fact is, whether I like or not, and I don’t, there really isn’t much chance – outside of a fluke injury to pretty boy Tom Brady – of anyone stopping the Patriots. The only thing that gives me pause with the P-Riots is their aged defense making it through, but they have two week rest which is huge.

Listen, I don't care two shakes of a bunny's tail about 16-0. The bigger fact is the P-Riots won games they didn’t really give a crap about. That is unheard of in the parody/parity-ridden NFL where five loses is no longer a big deal. Now the Patriots do give a crap about the games? One word: Scary.

*Sautee chopped onions and mushrooms with sliced carrots. Add a 1/2 cup of cocoanut milk, less than a 1/2 a cup of peanut butter, a big splash of soy sauce, smaller dash of oyster sauce, a dash of white wine or rice vinegar, garlic powder, pepper and smoked paprika. Cook down slowly for as long as the rice takes, about 20 minutes. Once it starts to look too thick, add water.

Seriously, I need to start charging for these pearls.


Friday, January 04, 2008

Just what we needed right when we needed it
Donald Trump has launched a magazine. Anyone care to guess the name? The new “Trump” magazine is a little different. You don’t subscribe to it, Trump buys your mailbox in a hostile take over and stuffs the magazine inside of it.

Donald Trump has launched a magazine. Anyone care to guess the name? The new “Trump” magazine had quite a shock inside of it. Five words: A Rosie O’Donnell center fold.

Many questions raised
Cyborg experts predict that, in the future, robots will be so life-like, we will have sex with them. There are a number of questions to answer before you have sex with a cold, lifeless robot. Is it immoral? Is it creepy? Do you call it Senator Clinton or Hillary?
This just in:
In an upset, Barack Obama finished two spots ahead of Hillary Clinton in the Iowa caucus, the only good news for Hillary is that the loss didn’t propel her into a Howard Dean-like red-faced rant. Instead Hillary just had a slightly pink-faced hissy fit.
We rippin’ and trippin’ and flippin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a shame

It is now feared that the writer’s strike could cancel award shows. Of course, Hollywood could actually just resort to literally and non-verbally smooching each other’s butts.

Hunkering down for a fight
In an upset, Barack Obama finished two spots ahead of Hillary Clinton in the Iowa caucus, but Hillary is not deterred, in fact, she is getting serious and breaking out her red Rambo head band, black face paint and her camouflage pants suit.

A video clip shows Lindsay Lohan chugging champagne out of a bottle at a New Year’s Eve party. In her defense, Lindsay said she only took a chug of champagne to wash out the after-taste of all the cocaine she snorted.

Lindsay chugged champagne right out of the bottle. Now we know why she said she didn’t have a glass of wine all night, she didn’t use a glass.

A little mellower
The writer’s strike continues. The writer’s strike is pretty peaceful, some labor strikes get violent. They get so violent heads get split. The writer’s just make fun of split infinitives.

Not good
This is a little embarrassing. I wrote an entire list of New Year’s resolutions all designed for me to be more organized in 2008. But now I can’t find it.

Not since then
Roger Clemens on “Sixty Minutes” vehemently denied injecting steroids into his buttocks, as his trainer swears he did. If the trainer is right, this is the biggest lie about a guy sticking something in his butt since Idaho Senator Larry Craig.

Go figure?
Britney Spears was hauled off in an ambulance and will undergo psychological evaluations. It is really starting to look like Anne Heche may be the sanest woman in Hollywood.

The rumors floating around are suggesting that Britney Spears may be crazy. In fact, there is some evidence of schizophrenia. Britney's latest single is "Oops, I did it again, and so did I."

Nasty weather
Southern California is bracing for a big storm. It is expected to be so nasty, during the storm, Pamela Anderson is going to marry and divorce Al Roker.

Oops, I did it again
It’s only January 4th and I broke my New Year’s resolution of no mean jokes about the French. But supposedly diminutive French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his tall model/singer girlfriend, Carla Bruni, had their first love spat. It got so bad, Carla had to put Nicolas in a time out.

Classic joke revisited.
Joe Smith and his wife, Betty, are out to dinner and, after a few cocktails, his normally uptight wife surprises Joe by saying;

“Hey, let’s do something crazy and take a cab over and check out that strip club on the interstate.”

When they get there, the doorman opens the door and says;

“Well hi there, Joe.”

“How does he know you?” Joe’s wife asks incredulously.

“Oh, he is on the volleyball team that I play with every Thursday night.”

They sit down at a table and the cocktail waitress puts down a double vodka and tonic and says;

“Here is your drink, Joe.”

Anticipating his growing-angrier-by-the-second wife’s next question, Joe says;

“She also cocktails at the bowling alley I go to on my Tuesday bowling night.”

Joe’s wife, Betty, appears to reluctantly accept this explanation when, just then, the hottest and sexiest stripper in the club runs over and plops down on Joe’s lap, she tickles his ear and says;

“The usual lap dance, Joe, honey?”

Absolutely furious, Betty Smith runs out of the club and into a waiting cab. Joe races after her and barely makes it before she slams the door right behind him.

“Liar! You haven’t been bowling and playing volleyball”, Joe’s wife, Betty, screams, “you’ve been coming to this strip club and fondling these little whores. That’s it, from now on you stay in and wash the dishes and do the laundry. And another thing, if you think you’re going to ever spend any more money on these, these trollops, you can forget it, do you here me, Mister?”

The cab driver looks up in the rear view mirror and says;

“Jeeze, Mr. Smith, you really picked up a bitch this time.”

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Mon Dieu, times two
The smoking ban in France is not going over well. Today in Paris, a waiter was so irritable, he actually ignored himself all day.

The smoking ban in France is not going over well. Slowly but surely the French are discovering that reeking from the stench of cigarette smoke is better than the alternative.
Love is strong, and you’re so sweet, someday, baby, we’ve got to meet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Beard buddies
To show solidarity for their striking writers, talk show hosts David Letterman and Conan O’Brien did not shave for three months. Kelly Ripa also didn’t shave but you can’t tell unless she is wearing a bikini.

Paris thinks she has some nerve, whoever she is
Barron Hilton announced he is giving his fortune, including Paris Hilton’s inheritance, to charity. Upon hearing this, a furiously indignant Paris Hilton said; “So who is this Charity bitch?”

New York Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas gets booed relentlessly by the fans at Madison Square Garden. And you can’t blame them, since the Knicks had to pay out that huge sexual harassment settlement against Isaiah, the fans feel cheated, they get screwed by the Knicks each night.

Today is the Iowa caucus. That means the candidates have one more chance to pretend that they care about the people in Iowa.

I don’t want to say the candidates didn’t know much about Iowa before, but Fred Thompson congratulated the Iowan people on their number one ranked Buckeyes.

For those who are not familiar with Iowa, if the United States was a dartboard, Iowa would be a spot somewhere on the dartboard.

You can tell the candidates are tired of campaigning in Iowa. Hillary swapped her pantsuit for footsies pajamas.

Blohan goin'
The celebrity gossip site, TMZ, featured a video clip of Lindsay Lohan chugging champagne out of a bottle at a New Year’s Eve party. I’m not really sure if it was Lindsay or not, I couldn’t get a good look at her freshly-waxed vagina.

Since you asked:
This in rehab, out of rehab, crashing cars, doing drugs, sex-addicted and exposing herself side of Lindsay Lohan sure doesn’t jibe with the Lindsay Lohan I’ve seen interviewed on talk shows.

The Lohan I’ve seen is duller than day old dry dirt. She answers pre-arranged-by-the-segment-producers questions with “Uh, I don’t know” and then she giggles. Honestly, if Lohan had a baby with Harrison Ford, the doctors would have to surgically implant a personality.

You may have noticed I have been doing it big with the celebrity vagina jokes lately. And the French jokes. And Carla Bruni who lets me do both at the same time. If I've over done the vajay-jay jokes, I am sorry, but if you are going to over do something, it may as, well, you know . . .

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Here are Lex's Deuce Double-Naught Ocho predictions:
Geico will discover that, if they don’t pay for ever other ad on TV, they can actually save you 22% on your auto insurance

On a ski holiday in Aspen, Al Gore will take a wrong turn, get lost in the woods for six hours and have to be treated for severe frostbite. After barely saving his toes and other necessary extremities, Gore's first three words are; “Screw global warming.”

Peyton Manning will discover that, if he doesn’t do every commercial besides Geico, he will have more time to practice playing football ala Tom Brady, and, thus, he could eventually win a Super Bowl. Or better yet, impregnate a Super Model.

Eli Manning discovers that, no matter how much time he spends practicing football, he will never be as good as his older brother, Peyton. And no super model will date him.

Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears, will all, as one, have the revelation that, if they don’t expose their vaginas in public, no picture of their vagina can possibly appear on the internet. But somehow, as if miraculously, a picture of Britney Spears’s vagina still makes it to the internet.

Donald Trump will finally be convinced that America will embrace and applaud his brave decision to drop the comb-over, ala Rudy Giuliani. However, in Trump’s case, America universally rejects the ugly bald Trump head.

After being horrified by the sight of the ugly bald Trump head, Malania Trump will jump into bed with the first person she sees who just happens to be Eli Manning, who, just as immediately, impregnates her.

Extrapolating his lack-of-future as a quarterback in financial terms, Malania Trump will dump Eli Manning and go running back to The Donald. The re-comb-over’d grateful Trump embraces the pregnant Malania and together they decide to name the baby, boy or girl, after their favorite movie character. Eight months later the world says hello to Forrest Gump Trump.

Geico discovers that even it can’t save Lindsay Lohan any money on her car insurance without showing a picture of her vagina on their website.

A more tolerant and grateful nation will happily accept the replacing of the annoying Geico lizard with Lindsay Lohan’s vagina. The hard part? Getting Lindsay Lohan’s vagina to talk with an annoying faux English accent. But hey, if Madonna can do it, so can Lindsay Lohan’s vagina.

The head of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will be visited by three spirits on Christmas Eve and he awakens, on Christmas morning, to announce everybody in the entire world will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Everybody except Madonna.

And, finally, after losing her inheretance to some bitch named Charity, an angry Paris Hilton pathetically takes to the street to sell pictures of her vagina. Sadly, everyone replies; "Thanks, but no thanks, I'm good."

Congratulations, everybody, on your well-earned induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2008.
Happy Deuce Double-Naught Ocho, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I finally found out what the New Year song “Auld Lang Syne” means. It’s old Scottish for “Oh no you di’’nt.”

Rightly good readerers
Stockton, CA ranks last in a study of literacy in U.S. cities; when asked to comment, one Stockton resident said; “We may be last in literacy, but we are bestest in readeracy.”

Strike out
The writer strike continues to effect the late night talk shows. Which leads to the philosophical question, if Paris Hilton goes down in the woods and nobody jokes about it, did it really happen?

Mon dieu
*French President Nicolas Sarkozy has been seen cavorting with model/singer Carla Bruni so much you wonder how Sarkozy finds time to lead his country to be the hard-working and productive super power that it, hah, hah, oh, darn, I thought could I make it without laughing.

You punks stop doing that
You know what the kids are calling 2008? 2K8. Not to sound like a grumpy old guy, but apparently text messaging is doing for literacy about what Madonna did for acting.

Since you asked:
Welcome back as many of our readers use this blog to bludgeon time at work and we couldn’t be any prouder.

Had a great last day of the year and first day of the New Year. In 48 hours I, in order, paddleboard surfed, harmonica shopped, ate a great steak sandwich washed down with a tasty margarita, took a 20 minute nap, went to cocktail party, played harmonica with my band at a fun New Year’s party, sang my first lead song (Rolling Stones “Love is Strong”) rang in the New Year, got up early, wrote a mean-spirited joke about the French,* worked out at the gym – along with everyone else – played nine holes of golf with a great group, my wife, her father, i.e., my father-in-law and my buddy Mark O'Snake, watched DVR recorded *bowl games, grilled shrimp and cedar plank salmon and then played poker with four really good poker players, me, our good friend, Stacy, Virg and her folks. OK, maybe I wasn't so good as I won a total of one hand.

Knock on wood, hope we all have a great 2008.

(No, really, knock three times on some wood)

P.S. You wonder why most of California hates USC?

Yesterday, while preparing to marinate my salmon in 50-50 maple syrup and soy sauce, I run out of soy sauce, so I ran over to our could-not-be-any-nicer neighbors to borrow some soy sauce.

There, on the couch watching the Rose Bowl game is our good friend and neighbor, Mike, with a guest. The guest is big, red-faced older Dick-Cheney-look-alike dude, sitting arms folded across his chest and wearing - in the house, mind you - a bright red USC hat They are obviously watching the Rose Bowl which, by then, was into the fourth quarter. (The USC hat should have been a clue as to what happened next)

Before I even enter the living room I, in a light-hearted but could-not-have-been-more-sincere way, cover the side of my face to cut off any peripheral vision with a frozen salute, and announce;

"Please, please, please do not tell me the score. I am recording it and I will watch it before dinner."

Pretty clear, right? In the first five seconds of entering the house and even before being introduced to this guy, I let it be known that I don't want to know the score in any shape, form or fashion, right?

What does the human penis in the USC hat say?

"You really don't want to know the score if you're an Illinois fan."

That, Slats and Nugglies, is why the rest of California hates USC with a deep and abiding passion.

(Sorry, John S. and the scant few other Trojan fans/friends, like our neighbor, Mike and his son, Ross, who are the exceptions who prove the rule)

But those other frickin' Trorats . . .

Monday, December 31, 2007

Rommel, you magnificent bastard, I read your book, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy New Year, Slats and Nugs. At the White House, nickname crazy President Bush calls 2008, deuce double-naught ocho.

This time, between Christmas and New Years, is the deadest time of the year. It is so slow and people get so lazy, nothing productive happens, no business transpires and we sit around and eat and drink without even bathing. Why, it’s almost like we’re French.

After a Norwegian cruise ship hit an iceberg and, after it was determined everyone was alright, the captain ordered free drinks for all the passengers. Then he had security arrest David Hasselhof for breaking into the bridge and taking over the wheel of the ship.

The Winner of Miss France will retain her title after it was revealed she posed for provocative pictures but for the Miss World competition she will withdraw. Or, as it is Miss France, should I say she will retreat?

After the first of the year, smoking in Paris bistros will be illegal. That’s too bad, smoking was their best line of defense against the body odor.

Parisians have a bad enough reputation for being snippy, can you imagine how cranky they will be if they can’t smoke?

“Go get this, go get that, what is wrong with you worthless stupid American tourists? Aren’t you smart enough to pick up your own food? Just who do you think I am?”

“Our waiter?”