Friday, February 18, 2011

This right here how you do this right here

Leash it on, throw it in and paddle it out, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Have you heard what the number one song is in Libya? “Rock Like and Egyptian.”

There are several reports that O.J. Simpson was severely beaten in prison. The bright side of this story? O.J. Simpson was severely beaten in prison.

Spring training is starting for the New York Yankees. It is very exciting, Cameron Diaz is hand-feeding Alex Rodriguez his performance enhancing drugs.

Did you see those tight silver pants Ricky Martin wore on the Grammys? Martin didn’t just come out of the closet, he came out of Ashley Olsen’s closet wearing her pants.

Billy Ray Cyrus said, if he had it to do all over, he wouldn’t have let his daughter, Miley, do “Hannah Montana” because it hurt their family. Then he took the next Starbucks customer’s coffee order.

A friend of Charlie Sheen says Charlie goes home, gets high and watches porn. Can you really say somebody just watches porn? You watch the news, there is more activity involved with porn than watching. It’s like saying you sit on a bicycle.

It’s been a couple days, but I really liked the Grammys; I particularly liked that one time the little dude in the Darth Vadar suit tried to get Bob Dylan to stop singing.

There are several reports that O.J. Simpson was beaten severely in prison. Turns out not to be true, but you gotta admit you liked hearing it.

Since you asked:

Saw the Lady Gaga interview on “Sixty Minutes.” Comparing her to Madonna is an interesting study on fame, marketing and talent. Although outwardly similar, there are vast differences. Lady Gaga is far more talented a singer, piano player and song writer than Madonna. They’re both very gifted in terms of understanding and manipulating the press and their fans. Both are so-so dancers. Age difference aside, both are equal parts kinda hot and kinda not.

It’s just that Lady Gaga seems to pull it all off with so much more class and fun than Madonna. The primary difference is their personalities. Madonna has always had a nasty and mean underlying pettiness and snottiness. You know. A bitch.

Lady Gaga is just plain nicer. And the Gaga has a sense of humor, something that hasn’t ever appeared around Madonna. I’m rooting for Lady Gaga to succeed, I would love it if Madonna fell on her smug face.

While analyzing celebrities, let's use the Sundance Film Festival as a yardstick to measure just how difficult and douche-y celebrities can be.

First of all TSFF is held in Park City, a great ski town on a beautiful mountain. It, along with Mammoth, is one of my favorite snowboard spots. Fairly short flight from San Diego, quick drive out of Salt Lake up the mountain and the terrain at Park City is ideal for snowboarding. Long rolling solid blue runs, short, sweet black diamonds. And Utah snow is amazing. Like talcum powder.

The town, a former mining town, is cool. One long main street with a ton of great bars and restaurants.

For the stars, the festival consists of watching movies, giving interviews, collecting a fortune in free bags, clothes, hats, hair products, colognes, watches, you name it. And then fine-dining, partying and hobnobbing with other stars all night.

And a ton of celebrities complain about going to the film festival, or flat out refuse to go.

What spoiled tools.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My girl, Julia Mancuso, on a SUP. She never writes, she never calls . . .

Get yo’ booty in Djibouti, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ousted Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is said to be worth $70 billion dollars while working on a $500 a-week salary. How? He saved 15% on his car insurance by switching to Geico.

Charlie Sheen spoke to the UCLA men’s baseball team about staying off drugs. That’s like Kirsty Alley speaking to them about staying off donuts.

Apparently UCLA now stands for Uncle Charlie’s Lying Again.

New York is hosting Fashion Week as well as the Westminster Dog Show. One features spoiled and pampered bitches and, well, so does the other one.

Congratulations to Irena Shayk who is on the cover of the “Sports Illustrated” Swimsuit Edition. Why is it called the swimsuit edition? The swimsuit edition has as much to do with swimming as Lady Gaga has to do with British Royalty.

It’ reported that Charlie Sheen went to the “Two and a Half Men” CBS studio to go back to work, but he was locked out, so he banged on the door. Charlie banged the door so hard the door caught a sexually transmitted disease.

Ousted Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is said to be worth $70 billion dollars while working on a $500 a-week salary. How? He sold stolen office supplies on the black market. “Where is that box of toner? Hosni?” “I am not to be knowing where the toner is.”

Apparently Hosni Mubarak is an Egyptian name that means Bernie Madoff.

Have you seen the commercial for hemorrhoid medicine Preparation H that shows a woman about to sit on a bicycle seat wrapped in barbed wire? How would these clowns make a Viagra ad? Show a guy with an ironing board in his pants?

Since you asked:

Let’s play a rousing game of:

If Lex Was In Charge

The $40 Billion Hosni Mabarak stole would all go to Bernie Madoff’s victims.

The Grammys would have the following categories: Rock and Roll, Pop, Country and Soul. If there isn’t singing or instrument playing, it’s not in the Grammys.

The NFL would settle the strike by not only NOT expanding to 18 games, keeping it 16 games, they would also eliminate the entire roster of preseason games.

Wikileaks weasel and rapist, Julian Assange, would not just be sent to prison, he would be sent to Federal “Pound My Lilly-white Sissy Tuchus Into Hamburger” Roway Prison in New Jersey.

Virus writers and computer hackers would also be sent to Federal “Pound My Lilly-white Sissy Tuchus Into Hamburger” Roway Prison in New Jersey.

Smoking pot? Not illegal. Smoking cigarettes? Not legal.

NCAA will not allow players to leave early to join the NBA.

The following people are no longer legally allowed to give press conferences, appear on TV, air a video tape, speak or appear in public at any time: Rev. Al Sharpton, Osama bin Laden, Gloria Allred, Jesse Jackson, Glenn Beck, Keith Olberman, the Lohans, Dina, Michael and Lindsay, Paris Hilton, Donald Trump, Snooki, The Situation, Levi Johnston, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. (Little secret? Osama bin Laden isn't the biggest a-hole on this list)

Every time House Majority Leader, John Boehner cries on-camera, he has to give $25,000 to children’s cancer research.

Any door-to-door or telemarketing solicitation is illegal.


Do Believe it is time for Lex's/Sam-the-Cooking-guy's grilled meat loaf sandwiches.

2 pounds of ground beef
3/4 cup of bread crumbs
dashes of smoked paprika, garlic powder, Old Bay, fresh pepper and salt
4 ounces diced chilis
2 eggs beaten

After the meatloaf is mixed and raw in the pan, slather Worcestershire sauce over the top and pop it in the oven.

Good BBQ sauce. (Instead of my peach homemade, I'll use a good store bought Kansas City style or Chubbs.

350 for about one hour. Slice meatloaf into one inch slices, slather in BBQ sauce and grill until there are grill marks.

Put the slices on sourdough sandwich rolls, cover the meatloaf with horseradish cheddar cheese and pop in the over until the cheese melts and the bread browns a tad. Remove, apply mayo on one side and add thin tomato slices. Serve with an iceberg/carrot ranch dressing salad and a cold beer.

That right there is the true frickis and a wolf-jenny.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Look out, everybody, 'cause it's a stand up paddle board surfin' daaawwwwwwg

Bend the knees, duck-out the feet, look up and paddle hard, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This week in New York is Fashion Week and the Westminster Dog Show. So tourists, whether it is a model or a dog, don’t try and pet a bitch or they’ll bite you.

The Cleveland Cavaliers ended their 26 game losing streak with a win over the Los Angeles Clippers. The Cavs hope to take this momentum and use it to beat a real NBA team.

How about Bill Murray winning the Pro-Am at Pebble Beach? Experts estimate this set a record for guys saying; “Cinderalla story, tears in his eyes I guess. It’s in the hole. ”

In addition to another final round collapse at a Dubai golf tournament, Tiger Woods was fined for spitting. Not just a dainty spit, apparently Tiger hacked and honked and let one fly. If his image gets any lower Tiger will be asking spectators to pull his finger.

Justin Bieber fans are upset Bieber did not win the Grammy for Best New Artist. Some are even threatening to hold their breath until they turn Bieber-blue.

How about that performance by Mick Jagger at the Grammys? It was so great it almost kept me from trying to figure out the difference between a record and an album.

Bob Dylan performed at the Grammys. Plus I think he won the category: Best Song That Needed Captions.

San Diego surfer band Switchfoot won a Grammy for Best Rock or Rap Gospel album. They also almost won for Best Pop Jazz Fusion and or Hip Hop Soul Record.

My single almost won for Best Vintage Comedy Parody Solo Folk Song: It’s called “Why, You Punks, That’s Not Music, That’s Noise.”

The best part of Bill Murray’s Pebble Beach Pro-Am win was at the end when the gopher popped up and started dancing to Kenny Loggins’s “I’m All Right”.

Worst Valentines Day card for a guy? “Roses are red, violets are blue, I dated Charlie Sheen, I’d get a shot if I were you.”
This just in:

On Sunday, 60-year-old Bill Murray won the Pebble Beach Pro-Am, and 67-year-old Mick Jagger tore it up at the Grammys. Greatest day for old dudes since Medicaid covered Viagra.

How about that special moment at the Grammys when Justin Bieber went to hit that high note and his testicles dropped? Wasn't that special?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Tears in his eyes I guess, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A San Diego man had two of his toes chewed off by his dogs. Good thing for him they weren’t lap dogs.

A survey shows 15% of people have had more sex due to being snowed in this winter. Nice try, Minnesota, but we’re staying in California.

Green Bay linebacker great Clay Matthews III was on our show this week, what a good looking, smooth and charming guy. If Ben Roethlisberger was more like Clay Matthews, women might actually have sex with Ben willingly.

When properly trained, dogs can detect colon cancer almost as well as a colonoscopy. Who was the first to discover this? “Good news, guys. Thanks to some peanut butter and my dog Skipper, it turns out I don’t have colon cancer.”

A San Diego man had two of his toes chewed off by his dogs. They had to call an ambulance. And a toe truck. Sorry. So, sorry.

Jennifer Anniston turns 42 today. At 42, Jennifer looks younger than Lindsay Lohan who is 24. But, remember, Lindsay Lohan is 42 in Charlie-Sheen-years.

Women’s basketball star, Diana Taurisi, tested positive for performance enhancing drugs but angrily denies she took any. In fact, Taurisi is so angry she told the press they can kiss her big hairy butt.

A San Diego man had two of his toes chewed off by his dogs. The man was upset they chewed off his toes, particularly because he told them to heel.

Despite violent threats, Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak did not resign. But, oddly enough, French President Nicolas Sarkozy did.

Since you asked:

The other day I heard what has to be - excluding almost all Madonna songs - the most overrated song performed the most overrated group: "Beth" by Kiss.

God whoever sang that is awful. Off-key. No range. The melody is good and the lyrics and OK, but give Tom Petty or John Hiatt a glass of whisky and a pad of paper and pen and they could do better in ten minutes.