Friday, June 30, 2017

A Fish Called Wanda - Apologies

Right now the producer of “Morning Joe” has more lumber than Subway Jared at recess. 

Spirit Airlines has awarded a baby born on its plane free flights for 21 years. That will teach people not to have their babies on Spirit Airlines.

Spirit Airlines has awarded a baby born on its plane free flights for 21 years. Or six months. Whichever proceeds Spirit’s bankruptcy.

Spirit Airlines has awarded a baby born on its plane free flights for life. In gratitude, the parents named the baby after Spirit Airlines. So say hello to little baby Incompetence. 

The Google doodle was a tribute to Victor Hugo, the author of “Les Miserables.”  “Les Miserables” was also another insult Trump thought of calling Mika Brzezinski. “She’s a miserable les.” 

In Pittsburgh, on his way to the Tampa Bay Rays-Pirates game, umpire John Tumpane saved a woman from jumping off the Roberto Clemente Bridge. He ruled she had too much pine tar on her hands, so he ejected her.

Since you asked:

Truly I feel sorry for parents these days.

“Son, if you constantly lie and cheat and insult women, you will never amount to anything.”

“But, dad, what about the president of the United States?”

Tina Fey, Kanye West, Katy Perry, all of the Kardashians and Jenners, Demi Lavato, Calvin Harris, Miley Cyrus, John Mayer, Lady Gaga. 

Most famous people of 2017? 

No, a partial list of all the people Taylor Swift has had feuds. Starting to think maybe Taylor does not play well with others. Taylor needs a swift kick in the tuchus. 

The dead cat theory? When you want to change the subject, you throw a dead cat on the table. 

Right now Donald Trump has 13 dead cats on the table. 

Great game between the Nats and my Cubbies. Got a feeling these two will have quite a playoff series this year. 

Wish someone told me a long time ago - they did, I was just not listening - to learn the difference between accept and except, affect and effect, analogy and metaphor, either and neither and that irregardless of all of these, irregardless is not a word. And not to abuse literally because it is literally annoying. 

Strunk and White’s. “Elements of Style.” Get it. Read it. Live it. 

Read Richard Roeper’s “Chicago Sun Times” review of Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler’s  “The House” and it was - surprise - not kind.

Now, I have not seen “The House,” but it could not have been that bad. You could have Amy Poehler, Will Ferrell and Jason Mantzoukas read the phone book and it would be pretty funny.

Here is a good rule of thumb when reading reviews of comedies: snotty film critics do not like comedies. Two of Mel Brook’s best, also two of the best ever, “Blazing Saddles” and “Young Frankenstein,” were crushed by critics. 

Movie critics suck when it comes to comedy.

That is because comedies remind critics of their cruelly humorless childhood. Growing up to want to insult other people’s works is how critics feel they can assuage the pain of being left out of experiencing laughter as children. They want, nay, they need movies like “Precious” and “Million Dollar Baby” and “Leaving Las Vegas” because those wildly depressing movies are a tad less depressing than their upbringing. That makes them feel better.

Whenever I read a particularly venomous critique of comedy, it makes me feel sorry for the bitter critic. How does someone’s reaction to someone trying to make them laugh result in anger? As I am not a psychiatrist, nonetheless, I still have to believe it reflects badly on their psyche.

The worst reaction a bombed joke gets from me is, “Oh, I cannot imagine why they thought that was funny. Oh well, at least they tried to make me laugh.” 

Anger does not enter the equation. 

And I saw Michael “Kramer” Richard’s stand up set at the Comedy Store in LA right before his N-word tirade. Richard’s set was the singular most awful attempt at comedy I have ever witnessed. And the only emotion it evoked from me was sincere pity. Sincere pity for a guy who has made millions on a comedy TV show. 

Humorless people respond to comedy the way I imagine people who can’t swim respond to water ballet: anger, jealousy, frustration and resentment.

When humorless people hear people laugh, it reminds them of listening, from a distance, to the cool kid’s table at lunch in high school. Since they cannot participate, they decide to rebel and launch an all-out attack on funny people and laughter.

Although I do have to say, Richard Roeper got in a clever, if not bitchy, line in the end about envying the women in “The House” who knocked each other out boxing.

As of now, nothing I have seen has made me want to back off my statement that Donald Trump cannot read.

Let me sum up comedy over the last 40 years: Before you could not say shit, but you could talk shit about people. Now you can say shit, but you can’t talk shit about people.

Most overrated band of all time? No question. Kiss.

Most overrated rock star of all time? No question. Grace Slick.

This is not bragging, it is true.  Each day I write just over 1,000 words. That works out to about to 20 jokes and a 300 to 500 word diatribe on my blog. Sometimes more. Sometimes less.

But that adds up to those words totaling 2,000 if you count the times they are posted on my “A Little Bit Bad” blog, on Twitter and Facebook. And then ten to twenty times that if you include how many times I send them out in emails to prospects to use them. Or more accurately not use them. Comedians. Greeting card company. Editors. 

Why am I saying this? Because I want it out there. Just in cases.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Sunny, why you think you're funny when you got no honey, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Still cannot believe what an honor it is to be included in this amazing group of decathletes and heptathletes coached by the late, great Sam Adams, circa 1980 at UCSB. (Sam is second row, first on the right)

That is me first row, second from the left, with Mark O'Connor and Ron Wopat on left and right. Bill Hartnett, a fellow snake brother, is also first row, fourth from right. And Al Hamlin's (first row, third from right) golden, Strider, one of the great dogs of all time. 

Missing is John "Snake" Serrano and Mike "Spider" Brown and "The Manster," Ed Dumas. Among many others. 

Included in this group are world and national record holders and national leaders. But they are even better people. 

In a “Rolling Stone” interview, Katy Perry said John Mayer was the best sex she has had. Whereas Orlando Bloom was the best sex with someone named after a Disney theme park.

Spirit Airlines has awarded a baby born on its plane free flights for 21 years. Hasn’t that baby suffered enough?

In North Carolina, a pregnant woman ran over a purse thief with her car. He’s OK. She was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, he was charged with larceny and being stupid enough to mess with a pregnant woman. 

Russia suffered a huge computer hacking. Even their files where they colluded with Trump were intruded. 

20 years ago, Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear. There was a rumor Tyson did it on a bet to win a rib-eye dinner. But that was steak news.

Spirit Airlines awarded a baby born on its plane free flights for 21 years. This is a public relations switch for Spirit Airlines. Initially, when her water broke, they were going to fine her for having more than 3 ounces of liquid and then charge the baby for a seat.

In Little Rock, a man drove over a monument of the ten commandments. He wants the last commandment, thou shalt not covet, changed to: thou shalt not covfefe. 

In light of the famous picture of Eric and Donald Jr. posing with a dead leopard, now there’s a story they shot a bunch of large, dark, African antelopes. But Eric said this is fake gnus.

A woman died in an Oklahoma Walmart bathroom and her body was left in it for three days. 

Dear Nightmares: 

Trampled in a stage stampede at a Justin Bieber concert has been replaced as my worst fear.

Big days for Martha, the 120 pound mastiff. Saturday, she was named the winner of the Ugliest Dog Contest. And today, she was named Sec. of Dog Shows by Donald Trump.

Just watched “Sully.” Could not help wondering how much Spirit Airlines would have charged them, after they landed on the Hudson, for having more than 3 ounces of liquid on board? 

Since you asked:

Although a key player in the 2016 playoffs and World Series, Chicago Cub back-up catcher, Miguel Montero, has been a thorn in manager, Joe Maddon’s, side for quite a long time. M&M openly bitched about playing time during the playoffs. And I have thrown out as many base runners this year as he has. His tossing Arrieta under the bus was clearly the welcomed last straw.

When I went from viewing Bill Clinton as a morally flawed, but canny and capable politician, to despising him was when his smug egomania allowed him to forever taint the image of the presidency and the oval office with his sleaziness with Monica Lewinski. And his shameless lying about it. (What is the definition of is?) 

To paraphrase "Tequila Sunrise," blaming a man for having sex is like blaming a compass for pointing North. It was the classlessness and lying that made Clinton so hateful.

Donald Trump now makes Clinton look like Thomas freaking Jefferson.

We thought we saw the depth of sinister vindictiveness in a president with Nixon on his tapes. And those were tapes Nixon thought nobody but him would hear. Trump sends these tweets knowing we will see them. 

There is something wrong with Trump on a pathological level. 

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Does anyone say no to that?”

“What are you, a smart-ass?”

“No, you can't ask me a question.”

Russia was hit by computer hackers so bad, even their president’s computer is affected. That’s right. Putin’s on the fritz. 

Sarah Palin is suing “The New York Times.” And not because their columns contain too many hard words.

Look, Sarah, we all find their crossword puzzles challenging, but that doesn't mean you can sue them. 

Big days for Martha, the 120 pound mastiff. Saturday, she was named the winner of the Ugliest Dog Contest, and today, she was named winner of the Steve Bannon Look-Alike Contest.

A 140-pound mastiff was named winner of the World’s Ugliest Dog Contest. So congratulations to the dog named Steve Bannon.

It is the one-year anniversary of when a bear broke into a Washington campsite and drank 36 beers and passed out. Who could have guessed, a year later, that bear would be the White House Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon.

(Bam. Two Steve Bannon jokes) 

A survey claims 73% of democrats would abstain from alcohol for life if it meant Donald Trump was kicked out of office. Until then they will keep drinking Impeach Schnapps. 

A phony “Time” magazine with Trump on the cover hangs in six of Donald Trump’s golf clubhouses. Democrats complain it provides visitors with fake views.

Kris Jenner told “The Hollywood Reporter” she was with Nicole Simpson when she bought the famous gloves. Kris even helped Nicole write the note to OJ: “With this gift so nice, please, my throat don’t slice.” 

Portland held its annual Naked Bike Ride Day. Which was followed by Buy Medicated Skin Cream Day.

This week was the annual Portland Naked Bike Ride Day. Their slogan: “For Oregon we bare our organs.” 

Nina Skye, a 21-year-old porn actress, was fired from her job as an L.A. Christian pre-school teacher. Today the father’s dropped off their children while wearing black armbands. 

Nina Skye, a 21-year-old porn actress, was fired from her job as an L.A. pre-school teacher. Many fathers worry the “Happy Ending Day Care” will never be the same.

Since you asked:

Could not believe my ears when I heard Cub catcher, Miguel Montero, throw his pitcher, Jake Arrieta, under the bus for the seven bases stolen on him. Now, I’m not an expert on baseball, but I am pretty sure it is the catcher who has to throw out the runner, not the pitcher.

Time for Miguel not to throw out runners for another team. He has to go. Even if it was all Jake’s fault - which it wasn’t - you don’t air out your poopy diaper in front of the press. 

(Great minds. No sooner did I post this than the Cubbies, bless their hearts, listed Montero "designated for assignment." Which is baseball P.C. for don't let the door smack yah where the good lord cracked yah)

Before anyone starts to feel sorry for "Biggy  Mouth" Miggy, you and I have thrown out just as many baserunners as $14 mil-a-year, 0-31 Montero. And now he gets a free flight to Iowa. 

Treas. Sec. and billionaire, Steve Mnuchin, got married for the third time. Ever notice it is only filthy rich guys who get married three times, like Trump? You never go to Starbucks and ask Cooper-the-barista what he’s doing this weekend and have him answer, “Oh, I’m getting married for the third time.” 

People got they knickers in a twist over John McEnroe not apologizing for saying Serena Williams would rank 700th among men. 

Folks, it's called an opinion. And just because someone has an opinion that is different than someone else's does not mean they have to apologize to the entitled dipwads. 

Although the greatest female player, never been a big fan of Serena. (Unlike her sister, Venus, whom I think is wonderful) Serena is snippy to the press, linesman and judges. And she has cursed out ball girls. And she is clearly on 'roids. 

P.S. This is the woman who angrily demanded John McEnroe respect her privacy during her pregnancy. 

Portland held its annual Naked Bike Ride Day. Which was followed by Buy Medicated Skin Cream Day.

Nina Skye, a 21-year-old porn actress, was fired from her job as an L.A. pre-school teacher. Many fathers worry the Happy Ending Day Care center will never be the same.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Anyone who thinks puns stink has no scents of humor, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

In “The Atlantic,” a review of Katy Perry’s “Witness” complained her lyrics in “Bon Appetite” mixed metaphors. They should let those mixed metaphors go, that train has sailed. It’s not like pop music is rocket surgery. 

NFL players ranked 39-year-old, Tom Brady, as on top of the list of the best 100 players in the NFL. Some feel that ranking is inflated. 

A Spanish judge has ruled the bones of artist Salvador Dali can be exhumed to settle a paternity suit. But they have to hurry up, the clock is melting. 

When asked what grade she would give her father, Ivanka Trump said an A. Sure, a lot of people would give Trump an A as a whole.

Donald Trump attended Treasury Sec., Steve Mnuchin’s wedding. Not to say he is needy, but Donald Trump has to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral and the rectum in every colonoscopy.

Treasury Sec., Steve Mnuchin’s got married. And right after the wedding, Mnuchin and his bride were Mnewlyweds.  

Daniel Day-Lewis announced he is retiring from acting. Or is he just acting like he is somebody who announced he retired from acting, but he is just acting that he isn’t acting? 

A Spanish judge has ruled the bones of artist Salvador Dali can be exhumed to settle a paternity suit. Asked to comment, Dali’s ghost said, “That is just too weird.” 

UFC fighter, Justine Kish, lost controls of her bowels during a fight. On the bright side, she has been named an honorary Cleveland Brown.

European Commission hit Google with a $2.7 bil. fine. Google paid the fine out of their swear jar.

Monday, June 26, 2017

You've got mail

They gonna get turnt 'till they burnt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Nina Skye, a 21-year-old porn actress, was fired from her job as an L.A. Christian pre-school teacher. And thus ends the record for most dads dropping their kids off at a preschool. 

A mom complained when her daughter came home with her art project that was just splashed paint on paper titled: “The Money Shot.” 

Republicans are waffling on the new health care bill. The republicans are waffling so much they had to bring in their waffle expert, Chris Christie.

In New York, a teenage girl was hanging 25 feet from an amusement park gondola, when she dropped, strangers below caught her. She is fine. They robbed her blind, but she is fine. 

UFC fighter, Justine Kish, joked about how she lost controls of her bowels during a fight. On the bright side, she has been named an honorary Philadelphia Phillie.

NASA has reported a record 18,000 applicants to be astronauts. Granted, most of them are San Francisco Giant fans who just want to get away. 

It is the three-year anniversary of a guy walking into a New York McDonalds with a knife in his back. He said it was scary and he was afraid he would die. And besides eating at McDonalds, the knife was unpleasant too.

Since you asked:

Lex’s TV Review

“Silicon Valley.” Probably will not survive without the needed comic relief of T.J. Miller. Was T.J. the only funny one on the show? No, but he was the only one getting big laughs. Miller left due to not liking the producer, Alec Berg, and an ego power play from lead Thomas Middleditch. 

“The Walking Dead.” Is walking but it is dead to me. Too many long, dramatic speeches. Especially from Rick.

“Orange is the New Black.” It isn’t good anymore is the new it once was.

“Veep.” So quick and funny you have to white-knuckle ride to try and catch all the witty, nasty lines.

“Masterchef.” Jennifer is saved and I cried like a baby. Great contestants, now that Mark is gone, no dickheads. Great judges. Even the annoying and over-tattoo’d judge, Aaron Sanchez, who somehow can over-pronounce Taco. Got a sneaker for Christina Tosi. Nice wheels. New drinking game. Shot every time Adam Wong says he goes to Harvard.

“Modern Family.” Still good, but the growing kids make you feel old.

“Beat Bobby Flay.” Take a great chef who has made a fortune with a specialty dish. Bobby Flay has never made the dish before and beats the guy making that dish. Amazing. Used to think he was too cocky - which he is - but I am a huge fan of the Bobby Flay.

“Brockmire.” Wildly underrated. Great cast. Hank Azaria and Amanda Peete are gems. Funny as hell.

"Chopped." Who do you bet on? The bald tattoo'd guy who is divorced, sober and cooking for his estranged kids or the spike-haired tattoo'd vegan woman who is cooking for her life partner? And then there is the pretentious gastro-artist snots who get a box of rib-eye steak and potatoes and announce they hate playing it safe and say they're going to make it into a frozen sculpture. Happily the gastro-nobs always lose. And then they blame the judges on the walk-of-shame. 

"Fargo." The only thing better than a show with Ewan McGregor? A show with two Ewan McGregors. Awesome.

Yet another example of the humor hidden in Strunk and White’s “The Elements of Style.”

Under “Misused words and expressions.” 

Flammable. Should be inflammable, but the “in” confused people into thinking it meant not-flammable. So trucks carrying dynamite are now labeled “Flammable.” Unless you are driving such a truck and are worried about the health of children and illiterates, use inflammable. 

“Did you know flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Boy, I learned that the hard way.

                                           -- Woody Boyd in “Cheers.” 

Sunday, June 25, 2017

And, encore une fois, I am, as always, without a soupçon of pretentiousness, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber blew up only himself. The only news that’s better than a suicide bomber blowing himself up is when a hunter gets eaten by its prey.

A survey claims the average heterosexual couple has sex for 19 minutes. “Is that counting awake or unconscious?” Asked Bill Cosby.

Ivanka Trump’s clothing line is being sued by an Italian shoemaker for stealing their design. Ivanka is hopping mad and she is going to foot the bill so her lawyers can give this case the boot. 

“No Trump would ever do something like stealing a shoe design,” said Eric Trump, who killed a giraffe and charged a children’s cancer charity $ 1 Mil. to use a golf course for one day. 

What kind of heel would steal a shoe design? There is trouble afoot. They should toe the line. 

A TMZ poll of 90,000 reveals 84% think Bill Cosby is guilty of rape. That is 75,000 people who think Cosby is guilty. That’s more people than Cosby has raped.

The president of the Lakers, Magic Johnson, said Lonzo Ball has greatness written all over him. And his father, LaVar Bell, has restraining order written all over him.

Blac Chyna was rear-ended in L.A. It took paramedics over an hour to remove the offending driver from Blac Chyna’s butt.

Russia hacked 39 US state’s election systems. This explains why Idaho had a write-in candidate named Putie McPutinface. 

It is the third anniversary of a man walking into a New York McDonalds with a knife in his back. His life was in danger and he almost died on the spot. And besides the affects of eating at McDonalds, the knife wound was bad too.

Since you asked:

The Inner Warrior Is Strong With This Lex

Anyone who knows me knows how I hate to brag.

But . . . as I am getting a tad older, it is time to take credit before credit is due. 

There is no doubt in my mind that I have inherited many traits of a damn good warrior. My fighting skills are exhibited by my stellar but brief wrestling career. In one and a half seasons of junior high wrestling, out of many dozens of matches, I only lost once and that was to a fat, smelly kid thirty pounds heavier than me. 

And he did not pin me. 

Although I have not been in many real fights, the few I have been in, mostly in sports, I have not lost. One guy I punched lost four of his bottom teeth. Sure, it cut my hand and gave me a staph infection that ruined an entire summer and almost cost me my arm, but that is no big deal. 

Since I can remember, riding things like bikes, skateboards and horses and windsurfers and stand up surf boards has come as second nature. 

I am a strong swimmer once beating a friend in a mini triathlon who was way skinnier than me and a member of the UCSB water polo team. 

Although I have not been on horses much, an expert horseman in Durango, Colorado deemed me an expert rider and put me on the back of a mustang from a Navajo reservation. She took me and Virginia on a two hour ride that included galloping and jumping over streams and a fence hey stack. 

As long as I can remember, I have had a knack for starting fires and keeping them going either in a fireplace, in a Weber or on at a camp. 

My first two merit badges in sixth grade were starting a fire and grilling a steak on a stick. My pack leader, Tom Hall, a great guy, was dutifully impressed with my steak and said it was better than his dad ever did. That has stuck with me my entire life.

First aid has been instinctive. Not only am I good at bandaging, but I have a good instinct for what to do in medical situations. Mine or someone else’s.

The few times I have been shooting, my aim is, in all due modesty, amazing. In seventh grade, I won a marksmanship award at Camp Douglass Smith shooting a .22 rifle. My archery skills are legendary. Was better than average with a javelin. 

Plus I am funny as hell, I can play an instrument and can tell a mean story. All skills important around a campfire. And I can hold my booze. A strong Viking/Knight trait. 

Not going to lie, my handyman skills stop at changing the toilet paper. (My wife would say they don’t even go that far) My ability to fix a car stops at opening the hood. And I can draw and paint about as well as a chimpanzee with ADHD on meth. This extends to my poor penmanship. Gardening? I can open the gate for my amigos. And the chances of me being able to watch what I recorded on the DVR are about 50-50. 

But I have impeccable warrior skills. 

There are times when my warrior instincts jump out and surprise me. Like the time I went duck hunting with my father-in-law, Jim, RIP. We were walking down a hill, my feet went out from under me and I fell down the hill about twenty yards. I held on to my shotgun the entire time. Nobody taught me how do do that, it was just instinct.

The same thing happens when I stand up paddle board. No matter how worked I get in the surf, I hold on to my paddle. That is something they train hard at in the military. You lose grip of your weapon, you’re dead. 

Getting along with animals of all kinds is second nature. Fact of the matter is I am more than a tad of a dog whisperer. 

And I've always had more than my share of ESP/ intuition. Have seen ghosts out of the corner of my eye in places that I later found out were haunted. (Telluride Museum that used to be the miners hospital, an Indian burial ground on a golf course and an abandoned hospital wing full of iron lung machines in Gloucester, Mass)

These instincts would save lives in battle. 

Another warrior instinct that jumped up to surprise me was when I was walking my dog, Wally. We scaled this steep hill and when I got to the top, I started war whooping like a comanche. (Scared the hell out of Wally)

When you’re winded, you have to breathe out hard, but the last thing you want - in a battle or sports - is your opponent to know you’re winded. So, since you have to exhale hard anyway, it takes no more effort to employ your vocal chords and add a loud “Whup. Whoa. Whew.” 

This accomplishes two things, A, it makes your opponent think you are not tired and, B, it makes them wonder if you're crazy which scares them. (Ask Wally) This is an instinct nobody taught me. It was just there waiting for me at the top of the hill. 

No, there is no doubt about it, in past lives I was a fighter, a warrior, a commando, a pioneer. A pirate. A soldier. 

Now if I could just figure out how to use Snapchat. 

A survey claims heterosexual couples have sex for an average of 19 minutes. Asked to comment, guys said, “No, yeah, I totally do that. You mean like 19 as in one less than 20? Right. Sure. So we’re clear, not nine, 19? (cough) No problem.” (whistling) 

There is little or no chance this Lonzo Ball deal will be anything less than a Laker disappointment given the incredible hype. How many teams get a Magic, Kareem, a Kobe and then a fourth savior? Especially likely to disappoint when you throw in the unwanted drama of a psycho father. 

Hope I am wrong. I like the Lakers. Not over my Bulls, but I like them. They are the anti-Pistons to me. 

It pains me to admit I have just a soupçon of jealousy of people who are able to work soupçon into their conversations. 

Amanda Bynes has announced she is sober and wants to return to acting. 

“Oh, goody, then we can give you all of those movie roles we were going to waste on Jennifer Lawrence.” Said an unbelievably mean and sarcastic Hollywood. 

“People” magazine reports Kris Jenner is “not thrilled” Kendall and Kylie Jenner spent father’s day with Caitlyn Jenner. In addition, Kris Jenner has now been nominated into the “Passive Aggressive Hall of Fame.”