Let’s tear a chunk off of this here monster, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It’s not Sea World, sweety
There was an embarrassing moment when troubled pop star Whitney Houston visited Israel. When they took her to the Wailing Wall, a bleary Whitney mumbled; “But where are the whales?”

I've asked it before, and I'll ask it again: How messed up are you when Bobby Brown is the voice-of-reason in the family?

Since you asked:
Nice, quiet weekend planned, Slats and Nuggies.

This time last weekend was nuts, but fun: Early Saturday morning, finished my first column for the intrepid North County Times, then wrote my bit as informal M.C. for a wedding, ran six miles (nearly died) while mentally rehearsing my M.C. gig, went to the wedding, delivered my M.C. bit, played harmonica with the band. Sunday morning, swam and then later, we barbequed here with my fellow long-former UCSB Decathlon good pals. Go Gaucho Gold. (Luckily, we attended UCSB in the late Seventies and early Eighties when you didn’t have to be a Rhodes scholar to get in there)

This weekend my only plan is light-article working, playing with Ann Caroline, a run and bike and, afterwards, snoozing on the couch while watching the Cubs game with my yellow lab hounds, Kasey and Wrigley, curled-up nearby on the floor, snoring like furry little drunken sailors. “Is this heaven? No, it’s Iowa.” Barbeque with just the family to follow. Santa Maria-style tri-tip with salsa and sour dough biscuits and ranch beans, as hot-air balloons drift overhead in the gloaming. Wine? Well, if you insist.

Not exactly hot tub romp with champagne-slathered drunken supermodels, but a nice time all the same.

How is it possible to both snooze AND watch the Cubs, you ask? Easy, I have it down to an art: I drift off facing the game, sleeping just below the radar (It’s kind of Zen, Hidden Dragon, Matrix-thing) When something, anything, happens, Chip Carey’s voice goes way up, and I wake up. Sure, I may miss the crack of the bat, but I see the ball leaving the vaunted (love that word) ivy walls. And besides, they show it again on the replay.

My wife thinks my baseball watching/napping is just being lazy, but I consider it multi-tasking.

This is how we roll all up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That is just sssoo sssilly
Bravo will have television's first primetime gay-themed reality dating series "Boy Meets Boy." This production will add new meaning to the jobs of Key Grip and Best Boy.

Yeesh, you win
An Islamic woman in Florida, Sulteena Freeman, is suing to wear her veil for her driver’s license photo. Then she took the veil off, and the state of Florida immediately sued her to put it back on.


Double click
Do you know what is big now? Online divorces. For a fee, you can actually get divorced online. No kidding. In fact, Jennifer Lopez and Larry King have the web site saved on their Favorite Places.

No chance, that’s what
Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton’s divorce is official. Man, if those two grounded, well-adjusted kids can’t make it, what chance do the rest of us have?

That explains it
Last year’s “American Idol” runner-up Justin Guarini is launching an album. It’s available at Wherehouse. Not that Wherehouse is distributing the album, that is where Jason works.

The album is self-titled, so I guess its called “Loser.”


Triky
Have you seen some of the words the kids have to spell at The National Spelling Bee in Washington DC? Energumen,'' tenebrosity' and dysphagia. I can’t spell these words right when I read them.

Or as dyslexics refer to the spelling bee, their worst nightmare.


Their goose is cooked
The New Jersey Nets are up 2-0 on the Anheim Mighty Ducks. The only way the ducks could be in more trouble if they were served al’Orange.


Too much info by half
The San Antonio Spurs beat the Dallas Mavericks 90-78 to advance to the finals. San Antonio’s Tony Parker was sick from food poisoning and was – according to TNT sideline reporter Craig Sager – “losing it at both ends.” And he didn’t mean both ends of the court.


Just Pay It
Nike has signed a 13-year-old Ghana soccer player for one million dollars. This sets an unusual precedence for Nike, normally they pay one million 13-year-old factory workers one dollar.


One expensive hole
It turns out that we may have used 30 Tomahawk missiles to bomb Saddam Hussein’s bunker that now turns out to not be a bunker. In other words, we spent about $20 million dollars to make a hole. Or as Michael Jackson calls a $20 mil hole: his nose.

Misdirected anger
In a television interview, Mike Tyson said he is really mad at his accuser Desiree Washington. You know who Mike should be mad at? Whoever put that ugly tattoo on his face.

He didn’t even get any tongue
A wanted man, David Horton, was arrested after his parole officer saw Horton kissing his girlfriend in a live crowd shot at a Cincinnati Reds game. Horton was charged with three counts of parole violations and one count of an annoying public display of affection.

Horton is in serious trouble now. His prison cellmate saw him cheating on him.

Oh Lovey Dear
Charles Howell III finished with eight birdies over his final 12 holes Thursday to earn a one-stroke lead over Kenny Perry in the first round at The Memorial. That is the best finish for a Howell III since Thurston made it off of Gilligan’s Island.

You go dawg, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mon Ami
*Serena Williams blew past her first round opponent in about a half an hour at the French, err, I mean the Freedom Open. Serena was so impressive that ten French spectators surrendered to her.

Like a hole in the head
*Last week they launched the 24-hour tennis channel. We need a 24-hour tennis channel like the gelding Funny Cide needs to wear an athletic supporter.

The 24-hour tennis channel is for that much sought after demographic: the coke addict tennis fan.

At the height of his past cocaine use, John McEnroe wouldn’t have watched a 24-hour tennis channel.

Dare we say it?
*The Chicago Cubs are two and a half games in first well into the second quarter of the season, even with their slugger Sammy Sosa on the disabled list. This explains the Cubs new catch phrase: “Cubs Baseball: You don’t suppose . . .?”

This could finally be the Chicago Cub’s millennium.

Punk
*The manager of the Florida Marlins is Jack McKeon. Or as the Florida fans call the 72-year-old McKeon; “That young whipper snapper.”

Last game they won McKeon told them to go out and; “Win one for the Geezer.”

American dream
*Saddam Hussein's eldest son, Uday, wants to surrender to U.S. forces. Apparently Uday Hussein has dreams of coming to America and opening a chain of discount building supply stores called: Home Despots.

All the news that’s sh#t to print
*In an interview with “Newsweek,” the disgraced New York Times reporter, Jayson Blair, said that, when it came to reports about him, Blair advised readers; “Not to believe everything they read in the papers.” No kidding, especially if Jayson Blair wrote it.

*The final insult? There is no Y in Jayson. He lied about that.

Coincidentally, Jayson’s last name spells: B Liar.

Been there
*The Indianapolis 500 ran on Sunday. That’s where drivers get in their cars and drive for hours just to end up back where they started. Or as they call that in L.A., the 405 Freeway.

A Major League one from the New York Times
*This just in from our special sports correspondent at the vaunted New York Times: Annika Sorrenstam won the Colonial, Jeff Gordon won the Indianapolis 500, and the Triple Crown contender Funny Cide’s brood mare, Daisy, is expecting.

Well, duh
*Michael Jackson is saddled with debt and teetering near bankruptcy, his former financial advisers say in a lawsuit. How did Jackson go broke? His debt was as plain as the nose on his face.

Paging Mrs. Butterworth
*Montgomery AL, has a new AA minor league baseball team named the Biscuits. That is a right cute name – as they say in the South- but is Biscuit a smart name for a baseball team? The only time Biscuits are good is when they are done.

Good call*The 14-37 San Diego Padres catch phrase this year is: “Padres baseball, Taking You There.” There, of course, being the cellar.

Go Gelbert, go Gelbert, it’s your birthday, it’s your birthday, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bad move
*San Diego State athletic director Rick Bay was forced to resign due to mismanagement in the equipment room. It didn’t help Bay’s case when, in an effort to keep his job, he offered SDSU president Stephen Weber two brand new sweat suits.

Meeeeooouch
*A top Hong Kong scientist said it was likely the deadly SARS virus jumped to humans from civet cats, which are considered a delicacy by people in southern China. Those people thought having SARS was bad? Now they have PETA after them.

SARS came from cats? That’s settles it, I am never eating in Meow’s Chinese restaurant again.

Whatever you do, do not order the Kung Pao Kitty. (Or Kung Pao Meow)


Come on Phil Knight
*Saddam Hussein's eldest son, Uday, wants to surrender to U.S. forces, but so far has been reluctant to do so because of a tough negotiating posture by the U.S. government. Uday is frustrated by the US’s and Nike’s reluctance to give him a $90 million shoe deal.

Apparently the U.S. is having problems with Uday’s requests for booze, hookers, Cuban cigars and a personal zoo for his private prison cell.

Dress for excess
*Have you heard about this high school basketball phenom Lebron James, who has yet to play a game in the NBA, signed a $90 million shoe deal with Nike. $90 million for LeBron to put on their shoes. Imagine how much it’s gonna cost somebody for him to put on some pants?

Fore, I mean two
*Annika Sorenstam missed the cut at the Colonial. Here is my question: If Annika doesn’t hit it past the ladies tees, what does she have to stick out?

Duh Version 4
*According to a study in "Demography” magazine, the richer a man is, the more likely he is to find a woman who wants to marry him. Did they really have to do a study? All they had to do was look at a picture of Microsoft’s Bill Gates and his hot wife.