Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack, but I do care if I ever come back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Close call
“American Idol” judge Paula Abdul's broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her pet Chihuahua. But don’t worry, the bottle of Vodka didn’t break.

Scary
Did you see the way that big scary beast who terrorized people and ran amok? But enough about Rosie O’Donnell on “The View” Amsterdam had a crazy gorilla escape.

A variation on a classic
In Amsterdam, a gorilla escaped its enclosure and ran amok and assaulted a woman. The woman is going to be fine but she is very upset. She said the gorilla hasn’t called, he hasn’t written, he hasn’t stopped by, nothing.

Yikes
A new study reveals taking Viagra can relieve the symptoms of jet lag; you thought it was annoying on a flight when the guy behind you kicked your seat?

Trade off
Wildlife officials in Alaska want to protect tourists from bear attacks by dying the bears bright colors like pink; the new pink bears won’t maul tourists but they will become vicious gossips.

Get it?
Britney Spears caused a scene on an airplane when she demanded to get off because her first class seat wasn’t leather. Britney wouldn’t sit down because the seat wasn’t leather. This is actually good news for the person who had to sit in that seat after Britney.

Pimped his ride
Ex- Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Richard Seigler was arrested for being a pimp. He was charged with pandering, living off of a prostitute and the lesser charge of impersonating Oakland Raider owner Al Davis.


Why we should work out today
World Champion adventure racer Danelle Ballengee fell 60ft during a run and shattered her pelvis, nearly dieing of internal bleeding until her dog, Taz, alerted rescuers. 150 days later, Ballengee finished sixth as the only woman in a 60 mile Xstreme race series that included running, mountain biking, kayaking and rope climbing. For three months following the fall, Ballengee trained with two pins in her hip in a wheelchair. Kind of makes me feel bad for not working out today because I was full from eating too much fudge at lunch.

Since you asked:
Going to see the Cubs again at Petco tonight. Second time this week. Got awesome seats from a big shot lawyer friend. (Yes, I write many lawyer jokes but I count several good ones as good friends. One I’ve known since he was three-years-old but I don’t think he was a lawyer then)

Anywho, the Cubs had best square themselves up right and start pooping me Tiffany cufflinks or they will be standing tall before the man. They get swept and I will never hear the end of it from my Padres friends.

A couple years ago, my fellow California transplanted Chicago buddy Ray and I went to a Cubs game to see the Cubbies sweep the Dads. We were in a local watering hole afterwards and a table of drunk Padres fans saw our Cubs finery started chanting “Billy Goat, Billy Goat” for the Cubs curse.

As nice as you please, I walked up to them, pointed under the table and said;

“Guys, it’s filthy under your table, it could use a good SWEEP.”

No way I’m having that joke come back around and hit me.

This here how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Frilly
A new airlines labeling itself as no frills has entered the market, Nationwide Airlines. A new no frills airline? The last time I flew Southwest it had one frill and I had to pay $20 for it.

Not good
Last week in Virginia, President Bush conducted a 400-piece orchestra; it didn’t go well: the horn section fought with the woodwinds, the tuba player resigned after a scandal and the trombone player accidentally hit a lawyer in the face.

Win win
The New York Yankees 44-year-old pitcher Roger Clemens may start next Monday against the Toronto Blue Jays. This would be good for both parties. The Yankees will get another starting pitcher and the older Clemens can buy his Lipitor, Viagra and Celebrex cheaper in Canada.

Ouch
The Long Island Lolita, Amy Fischer is dating her old paramour Joey Buttafuco; oh great, after all she has been through, Joey’s ex-wife, Mary Jo Buttafuco, needs this like a hole in the head.


Those who do not learn history, are something, something repeat something
Saturday, President Carter said the Bush administration was the worst in history. Carter feels that between the botched military procedure in the middle east, the rising gas prices and the low National moral, oh, wait, that was Carter’s administration. Never mind.

Since you asked:

It seems I spoke to soon about Vince Chase in “Entourage.” His royal whinyness came back. Some creepy central European billionaire will fund his movie “Medellín” with $60 million bucks out of his pocket with one small caveat: Vince has to sleep with the guy’s gorgeous ex-European TV star’s wife. Boo freaking hoo, Vince. Nobody is making you pick up garbage by the highway.

Besides, nobody likes to go to a movie that they can’t spell or pronounce correctly or that makes them sound foofy-sounding – my word – and Medellín would be all three. But Vinny’s whining is still being compensated by Kevin Dillon as Johnny Drama’s hilarious goofing on himself. Hollywood’s greatest sport.

And speaking of HBO on Sunday’s, the “The Sopranos” is getting too depressing to even suffer through the last few episodes. At first I admired their endless habit of starting a subplot and ignoring it, because that’s what happens in real life. Things aren’t usually neatly solved in real life. But now I feel that real life is what I am trying to avoid when I watch HBO, so who needs the aggravation?

Besides, this season’s “The Sopranos” shows have been a veritable smorgasbord of life’s most depressing scenarios: teenage suicide, senior citizen’s mental decay, an out-of-control gambler, a drug addict’s fall, and the cheeriest scene of all, the guy dying-of-cancer-in-prison. No, life in prison or dying of cancer alone wouldn’t not have been nearly depressing enough. Maddona.

You know what I would like to see during the final episode? All the wise guys are sitting around at Satriales or wherever that dumpy office place is where they hang out, and suddenly Paulie looks at Silvio and says;

“Hey, what the . . ? Ain’t you the guitarist for Bruce Springsteen?”

And then they all whack Stevie Van Vandt because he didn’t get them tickets to the last time the Boss played the Meadowlands.

Old School/ New School Cubs game

We old-schooled the Cubs game last night at Petco Park in San Diego. Here is Lex’s guide to old schooling and new-schooling a Padre game.

Take the Coaster train to the Santa Fe Station and hop on the trolley to Petco.

Dine at Mickey and Lou’s. Order a martini, a shrimp cocktail and a then a bone-in Rib eye with a glass of red. Or the smaller Filet.

Buy a scorecard. Keep score during the game. Buy a couple beers.

And we new schooled and came home and watched the DVR’d recording of the game.

Tonight? Don’t have Cubs/Dads tickies so I am going to rally the vodka sautéed shrimp tacos and the grilled corn salsa while I keep score at home.

Oh yeah, buuhhh beeeeee, we keepin’ it real to the feel in this here deal.

Get the funk in your junk and put it in the trunk, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Noooooooooooooo
The movie “Waitress” is doing well. It’s a dramatic comedy about a woman who loves to bake pies; it’s touching, it’s clever, it’s romantic, it’s tender, it's every guy’s worst nightmare.

Why?
Barry Bonds continues to get closer to Hank Aaron’s all time home run record but nobody cares. Why? Because we know Bonds cheated with steroids. Cheering for Bonds would be like going to a Britney Spears concert because she lip-synchs well.

An oldie but a moldie
In Amsterdam, a 400-pound gorilla escaped its enclosure, ran amok, bit a woman- who is going to be OK - and then ran into a crowded restaurant. You know where the gorilla sat in the restaurant? Anywhere he wanted to.

Sounds nice
Paris Hilton is facing 23 days in jail, but it isn’t the L.A. county jail, it is a special jail for celebrities. To show how luxurious the jail Paris is going to is, solitary confinement is also an aroma therapy session.

To give you an idea how fancy Paris’s jail is: the prisoners only stick each other with sterling silver shivs.

It adds up
Keith Richards is shopping his biography around for $5 million; that sounds like a lot but that works out to a thousand dollars a year.

Keith Richards is shopping his biography around for $5 million; however, Keith’s biography on tape is only going for $100. That’s because, on tape, you can’t understand a word Keith says.

Getting weird
Former Tour De France winner Greg LeMond testified at the doping hearing of Floyd Landis that Landis’s manager threatened to expose that LeMond was molested by his uncle. And if that wasn’t weird enough, in burst Phil Spector in a dress yelling that he was innocent.

It also adds up
In addition to facing jail time, Paris Hilton is being sued for $10 million dollars; insiders say that, due to her lavish lifestyle, Paris doesn’t have close to $10 million. If she loses the lawsuit, to raise $10 mil, so Paris will have to charge each lover $10 bucks a throw.


Since you asked:

As I monitor the big three talk shows pretty closely, Leno, Letterman and O’Brien, I think it is fascinating how you can detect the host’s personality in the making of the show. Leno and Letterman are the only two I’ve met and or seen in person and Leno is the only one who I have spent time talking to.

Anyone and everyone who knows Leno cannot stress enough how he really is a great guy, and he honestly is. But don’t kid yourself, the guy works his ass off and he is a real pro. If there is anything that surprised me about meeting Leno is that he strikes me as a real student/professor of comedy and not just the very able host of a show. And that is the sense when you see his show. The people are really friendly but they aren’t kidding around either. They want to put out a slick, professional product and they do. That is one well oiled machine, just like Leno’s cars.

The vibe I get from Letterman’s show live is that the high school audio/video geeks have suddenly been giving a huge budget and a show. (“Hey, let’s go up to the roof and hurl cool stuff off”) Now it’s their chance to make fun of the cool kids. There is also a sense of a lot of pressure because there is the clear sense Letterman is tough on everyone but he is toughest on himself. And the studio really is freezing. But Dave also seems very Midwestern and beloved by those around him.

My wife’s reaction to Letterman is pretty classic: she laughs shakes her said and mutters “Dave” in a “oh, that scamp” like you would to a feisty but hilarious Uncle.

Conan O’Brien’s show is probably a lot like Harvard Lampoon was like when he was the managing editor. Sure, we’re smart as hell but let’s not get cocky and let’s work hard and do this funny and smart. At the beginning Conan said he got the job because he felt he didn’t have anything to loose.

When the initial reviews and ratings came in, NBC wanted to fire Conan but they didn’t have a replacement ready. So talk about nothing to loose, Conan and the staff really went for it night after night and within a couple of years, they really hit their stride. Pound for pound it is right there toe-to-toe with Leno and Letterman.

What would my talk show be? It would have a great live rocking blues band. It would have a grill out full time so the studio smelled like a great Chicago steak house and drinks for the guests and audience ala Jimmy Kimmell. And I would have a huge computer screen so we could go live into dorky chat rooms and mess with people. My get up would be blue jeans and a blazer with a tie that was always the blue and gold/yellow colors of UCSB. There would be a guest side kick every night and lots of up and coming comedians. We would have "Audience Members Tell a Joke" and the cute dog/puppy of the day and their best cute dog/puppy story.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Here is a nice image for your head
NBC cancelled Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice” and Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View.” Is it just me, or is it suspicious Donald Trump and Rosie are both taking time off the air together? Looks like someone’s going to have some serious make up sex.

How the mighty have fallen
NBC cancelled Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice.” It was really sad, when informed he was canned, Donald Trump wandered the halls of NBC pointing his “cobra” gesture at himself and muttering “I’m fired.”

Another pleasant image for you
The big rumor in Washington D.C. is that Vice President Dick Cheney used to hire prostitutes; yeah, for an extra $100 bucks he would get the lawyer special: he'd shoot them in the face.

He is old is what I’m sayin’
After 50 years in television, “The Price is Right” host Bob Barker is leaving the show; but don’t worry, Bob isn’t leaving show business altogether; he is going to HBO to reprise the role of the Crypt Keeper.

After 35 years as host of “The Price is Right” Bob Barker is retiring; to give you an idea how long that is, on Bob’s first show the contestants bid on a cotton gin.

For a good cause
A charity called “Clothes Off Our Back” says it will raise money by auctioning clothes worn by the stars of “American Idol.” You can get Randy Jackson’s shirt, Paula Abdul’s blouse, Simon Cowell’s t-shirts and Ryan Seacrest’s pink panties.

Not again
Last weekend in Virginia, President Bush attended an event and at one point he conducted a 400-piece orchestra. As expected, the band was then attacked by insurgents and utter chaos ensued.

No mas Hamas
A Hamas child’s TV show features a Mickey Mouse-like character, named Farfur, who preaches hatred against Israel. Farfur is an Arabic word that means Mel Gibson.

That was great
They had the second republican presidential debate. I thought it was funny when that one rich old white guy said that thing to the other rich old white guy and all the other rich old white guys laughed and laughed.

Just like that
On “America Idol” the leading candidate, Melinda Doolittle was voted off. That means the winner will not be the most qualified. Just like our presidential elections.