We hank-shanking and stank-wankin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Nike has the new LeBron James shoe for sale at $300. It comes with a built-in I.Q. test. If you paid $300 for them, you flunked.

Got to hand it to the republicans. They were going to have a hologram of Reagan speak at the convention. Instead, they dug him up and reanimated him. Huh? Clint Eastwood? Never mind.


Since you asked:

About a year ago, in her never-ending search for healthier -  but inedible - food, Virg found a brand of peanut butter that was non-fat, locally grown, gluten-free, organic and bio-dynamic. 

Dug out a scoop if it and smeared it all over Wrigley's favorite hard-plastic bone. He sniffed it and then literally turned up his nose and wouldn't touch it.

This was a dog that ate poop.

Is it just me or do Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney look like the before and after in the “Just For Men” hair coloring commercial? 

Ann Romney gave a speech at the RNC on how she and Mitt are just normal people. You know what is the surest sign you are not normal? Giving a speech on national television about how normal you are.

“MTV” is pulling the plug on “Jersey Shore” after this season. “Oh, that’s fine, those smart kids will always be able to fall back on their hard work ethic and higher education,” said nobody.

“Jersey Shore” Snooki had a baby boy. Not going to use the tired old joke that when her baby was born the doctor slapped Snooki. He wanted to slap her, but he didn’t. 

“MTV” is pulling the plug on “Jersey Shore”. In Las Vegas, you can get odds on which cast members will end up on “Dancing with the Stars” or “Celebrity Rehab” or both.

Here is my impression of guys talking about the Prince Harry naked pictures in front of their wife and then when she leaves the room:

“Prince Harry should be ashamed, that kind of irresponsible behavior is inexcusable for a role model. Psst, Dude, is that Harry guy awesome or what?” 

Have discovered yet another unusable skill I have:

Trash talking at cooking show contestants.

You call those knife skills? Joe Cocker having a seizure can chop better than you, bitch.

Oh, I know you didn't just salt that too much. This ain't no deer- lick, up in here,  home-skeezy.

You better flip that steak before it get all Chernobyl on yo' goofy ass. 

Oh, I know you can saute better than that, mothereffer. Shake that pan like you got a pair, slickly slack. 

Yoga Paddleboard Workout - Warrior One Pose with Sarah Tiefenthaler

They shook us to our tuchus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie delivered the keynote speech at the RNC. Then he ordered the Key Lime pie at KFC.

In Buffalo, a man named Arijit Guha wearing a t-shirt with the words Terrorist Gonna Kill Us All was kicked off of his Delta flight. No charges were filed, but authorities are considering charging Guha with being the biggest a-hole alive.

A New Jersey woman suffers from Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder – or PGAD - which causes her to have over 100 orgasms a day. She is currently treating her illness with a heavy dose of absolutely nothing. 

There are  reports of 100 cases of salmonella poisoning in the US  from mangos. Healthy mango eaters get sick, but millions of fat slobs eat deep fried Twinkies at County Fairs and not one gets sick. That’s like Tim Tebow giving an STD to Paris Hilton.

The New York Jets have gone through three pre-season football games with zero touchdowns. No wonder. They’re running the New York Jet Blue offense. It sits on the runway because it can’t touchdown.

The Dallas Cowboys have established strict rules for their troubled wide receiver, Dez Bryant. No strip clubs, no alcohol, home by midnight. Good luck. Dez couldn’t have kept those rules in high school. 

How many Hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're too busy making sarcastic jokes about how great it is to be in the dark.

Since you asked:
Loves, loves, loves me some cooking contests. "Master Chef." "Chopped." "Top Chef." Love when they break out the ingredients basket. It is always something like: Cabbage, beef jerky, vanilla ice cream and Botangaskoo. 

What is Botangaskoo? Something I made up. But, as soon as they see the Botangaskoo they know how it should be prepared and then prepare it with a twist. 

That Girl Could Sing - Jackson Browne

Paging Mister O'Lefty, Mister Scorchin' O'Lefty

Attention local TV news reporters: if you have been sent to the Gulf to cover hurricane Isaac? Time to update your resume.

Finland hosted the 17^th annual Air Guitar Championships. As usual, there was no winner, just the best loser. 

And I has no cheese sammich, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It looks like hurricane Isaac could hit Tampa Bay during the Republican National Convention. On the bright side, the conventioneers won’t have to pay to get blown.

Lance Armstrong has ended his fight against doping allegations, so the US Anti-Doping Association has stripped Lance of his seven Tour De France titles. This is horrible news for the US sports fans still following the Tour De France. All five of them.

Soon after a naked drunk driving arrest, Randy Travis was charged with assault after an argument in a Texas church parking lot. He was charged with simple assault and creating the greatest country song ever.

A US drone missile attack has killed the top Pakistan Taliban leader, Mullah Dadullah. The reason that he was targeted is because his name is Mullah Dadullah.

Sadly, Neil Armstong passed away at 82. He accomplished great things but avoided all publicity. He was the anti-Kardashian.

In San Diego, a man in his eighties died after completing a triathlon. The medical examiner has not listed the official cause of death, but many experts believe it was caused by a man in his 80’s completing a triathlon.

TEAHUPOO Mega Swell Unbelievably Massive Waves

A male porn star, Julian St. Fox, said he and a female porn star had a three-way with Kim Kardashian. They would have had more people join, but Kim couldn’t count any higher than a three-way.

It turns out the Navy Seal who wrote the book about being on the mission that killed Osama bin Laden, may face legal trouble for disclosing classified information. Oh no, I don’t need this trouble right now, I thought it was enough I wrote it under a pen name.

The Navy Seal who wrote the book about the mission that killed Osama bin Laden, may face legal trouble for disclosing classified information. Trouble? Really? Who are you going to get to serve a subpoena to a Navy Seal who helped kill Osama bin Laden?

 “We tried to get the guy in court, but the people serving the summons all went missing.” 

This how Wrigley used to think