Friday, February 04, 2011

SUP Stand Up Paddle Surfing- Maui Hawaii

This is when you know what you know when you're knowin' what you're knowin'. I can do this. A lot of it. Some of it.

Okay, Campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties ‘cause it’s cold out there today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In England, a Scottish man was sentenced to 12 months probation after he confessed to having sex with a horse. Asked to comment, the Scot said; “Aye, build a thousand stone walls, do they call you McGregor the wall builder? But you sex-up one horse.”

His initial defense was not strong, he claimed the horse wanted to know what he was wearing under his kilt.

How do you get caught having sex with a horse? The horse didn’t talk. He had to get drunk and brag to someone.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper was slugged ten times by angry Egyptian protesters, that’s not the worst part, they kept yelling to Anderson; “Stop bugging those “American Idol” contestants, Ryan Seacrest.”

Charlie Sheen is going to rehab at home. Who is the idiot who thought this was a good idea? Sheen’s house is called Villa De Chlamydia.

Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak, may step down, he is going to give leadership to his second son passing over his hard-partying older son, Andy-Dick Mubarak.

How about that Storm of the Century? Hey, it’s effecting California as well. Today I went outside and it was so windy, my hairdresser had to redo my hair.

A researcher claims the model of the Mona Lisa was a young man. That explains why it was going to be called the Mona Adam Lambert.

The day after Groundhog Day and the folks in Punxsutawney, PA are predicting 30 more days of cleaning up groundhog poop.

Wasn’t Punxsutawney the name of Charlie Sheen’s last hooker?

Trouble follows Lindsay Lohan around like an angry Egyptian with a rock; now Lohan was photographed wearing a stolen diamond necklace. It looked nice though, it matched her alcohol detection ankle bracelet.

Since you asked:

Maybe its because we’re in California, but it seems a lot of folks I’ve been talking to are up in the air as to who to cheer for in the Super Bowl.

Green Bay has an incredible history and Super Bowl success. Their star players are likable, namely Aaron Rodgers (with a D the way god intended Rodgers to be spelled) The Donald Driver and my man, Clay the Tres, Trice Nice Clay, Triple Play Clay, Clay Matthews the Third.

But Pittsburgh has an amazing Super Bowl record. And a very likable star in Troy Polamalu.

The fans of the Pack are legendary. Intense but nice. For many Wisconsin fans, the Pack are as much as a part of their lives as fishing, hunting, boating and their pets. They are who my buddy, Foxhole Woody, wants in his foxhole.

Know only one diehard Pittsburgh fan, The Doctor, and he is a great guy. The Pittsburgh fans seem a lot like the Packer fans but with a bigger city.

So if you’re still undecided on who to cheer for in the Super Bowl, let me submit this:

Only one team has a player, Ben Roethlisberger, who twice beat up and sexually abused/raped two girls. That we know about. If you have any women in your life you actually care about, that factoid should take care of that little indecision.

Go Packers.

F@#K Pig Ben.

I've been cooking that lamb shank osso buco for over three hours in the oven and it smells like I'll-be-go-to-hell good all up in this up in here hizzy, yo. Caaaaple a' San Diego Sunsets after a great work out and it is knock on wood tres times, Slattiloids and Nugglieasiaases.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Charlie Sheen in rehab at his house where he will wear an ankle bracelet to monitor any alcohol use. And you don't want to know where he wears the bracelet to monitor hooker and porn star use.

For the first time there are no cheerleaders for either team at the Super Bowl. Not positive, but I am pretty sure it has something to do with the cheerleader's restraining order against Ben Roethlisberger.
Look out, everybody, 'cause it's another surfin' daaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwg.

You oughta go on and get away from here now, Miss Daisy and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Dietary Guidelines for Americans for 2010 came out. The government says if people want to lose weight they need to eat less. And to think people say the government is useless.

The Chicago storm is so nasty it blew chunks off the roof of Wrigley Field. Normally the words blew chunks don’t apply to the Cubs until early September.

The Chicago storm is so nasty Bear QB Jay Cutler was shoveling his walk but had to quit half way due to a sore knee.

Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive, or LSD as locals call it, was shut down due to snow. When the headline read “LSD covered in White Powder”, Charlie Sheen booked a private jet from L.A. to O’Hare.

The Chicago storm is so nasty Bear QB Jay Cutler tried to throw a snowball, but the storm intercepted it and returned it for a touchdown.

Is it just me, or does House Speaker John Boehner look like the excited Shriner at the convention who keeps asking; “What time do the girls get here?”

“New Kids on the Block” singer Jonathon Knight admitted he was gay. In other shocking news, the Midwest is getting snow and guys are throwing rocks in Egypt.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

This right here our very own groundhog. Happy Birthday, Mister Wrigley, just a lot of trouble wrapped up to look like a puppy dog.

New York City has even more snow. For an extra $50, the Times Square hookers will stick a carrot in your snowman.

The riots in Egypt are being blamed on the huge disparity between the rich and poor. Kind of like the rift between the rest of N’ Sync and Justin Timberlake.

“Two and a Half Men” is on hiatus while Charlie Sheen is allowed to rehab in the comfort of his home. Apparently CBS now stands for: Charlie’s Baby Sitter.

President George W. Bush’s daughter, Barbara, has split with her father in favor of the equanimity of allowing gay marriage. This is bittersweet for Bush, he is proud of Barbara’s independence, yet upset she’s using confusing words like equanimity.

House Speaker, John Boehner defended his emotional reactions to topics. I agree, I like John Boehner, he reminds me of the guy who likes to chat with the Ace Hardware clerks about faucets.

It is so cold in Washington, Speaker John Beohner’s tan went from deep carrot amber to a paler shade of burnt persimmon orange.

House Speaker, John Boehner defended being a smoker. Boehner should be careful smoking, god forbid his spray tan gets ignited. He would light up like a sparkler.

Media day at the Super Bowl and cheese-heads and Troy Polamalu wigs abounded. Not as popular? The Ben Roethlisberger rape-beards.

House Speaker, John Boehner defended his emotional reactions. I agree, I like John Boehner, he reminds me of the guy drinking at the airport frequent flyer lounge while bragging about his credit card points.

I like John Boehner, he reminds me of the guy on the driving range who tells you’re standing too close to your ball . . . after you hit it.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Introducing Gnarly McLefter

Still don’t get the big brain bit, do you*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Taco Bell is being sued for not having enough beef in their beef tacos. Suing Taco Bell for not having enough beef is like suing Cap’n Crunch for not really being in the Navy.

24-year-old Chrystal Harris is engaged to 84-year-old Hugh Hefner. If you want to get Chrystal a nice gift you can’t do better than a snowboard for Hef.

The Octomom’s children turned two last week. If you want to give them a gift you can’t go wrong with a certificate from Bed, Bath and Beyond Therapy.

The 100 mafia members the FBI arrested aren’t all that tough. Like Mikey “Quiche” Galgano, Louie “Chi Latte” Spamone, and Sal “Brazilian Wax” Pompano.

The rioters are throwing stones. It doesn’t help matters when smart-ass onlookers keep singing “Rock like an Egyptian.”

Taco Bell is being sued because of a claim there is not enough beef in their beef tacos. There was an awkward moment when an anonymous Taco Bell spokesperson replied; “Since when is donkey-meat not considered beef?”

The Octomom’s children turned two last week. Eight two-year-olds running around, that would be enough to drive a mother nuts. Luckily the Octomom is already nuts.

Charlie Sheen has to go back to the hospital. Not for stomach pains like the last time, when he checked into rehab he ran into Lindsay Lohan running out. Knocked Charlie clean out.

24-year-old Chrystal Harris is engaged to 84-year-old Hugh Hefner. The couple is writing their own vows: “Do you promise to love honor and cherish ‘till death - like when Chrystal sneaks a window open at night - you do part?”

Since you asked:

Excited for the Sup-hew-rah Bhab-bha-boooo-rah, or as my friends not versed in Wally-speak would call it, the Super Bowl.

Unlike most Bear fans, I do not harbor a deep-rooted hatred for the Pack. As a kid I used to visit the Packer museum on the way up to Upper Michigan to see the Kaseberg grandparents. Had a #44 Donny Anderson jersey. Even like the Lions.

But I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. Always have. No, I don’t hate them as much as I hate the Oakland Raiders, but that is like saying I don’t hate serial killers as much as terrorists.

So you’re asking, Lex, you bon-vivant, raconteur, mother-effin man-about-town, what do you think of CBS’s handling of Charlie Sheen?

Let me put it this way. CBS does not stand for Charlie’s Baby Sitter. Nobody is saying they are encouraging Sheen’s insane behavior, but ask yourself this: how long would you watch “Two and a Half Men” if Charlie Harper went into rehab and got clean and married?

Point of fact: I knew a Charlie Harper in high school. Went on literally to be a rocket scientist at NASA as well as a theology professor at Harvard and then the head of one of the richest charity organizations in the world, the John Templeton Foundation.

Not exactly a hooker-humping, blow-snorting boozy jingle writer.

You can’t make this stuff up:

Fully aware I have friends who hear/read my diatribes of psychos in my neighborhood and assume the problem is with me turning into a crank, I swear this is true.

Now, I have nothing against the car Range Rover, they are handsome, expensive vehicles. It has, however, come to my attention that a disproportionate percentage of Range Rover owners do not drive with consideration for their fellow drivers if not flat out contempt thereof.

This incident did not involve me directly.

But I was driving in back of a Range Rover and I made a mental note to observe the actions of the driver to either support or debunk my theory. The attractive, fit and otherwise nice-looking early 40’sh mother ran the stop sign, not rolled to slow down, ran it with her hand held cell phone to her ear in one hand, she then, with the other hand, flipped off the driver who honked at her for getting cut off/ nearly hit.

This entire one-woman incivility parade being witnessed by the small boy in her back seat car seat.

* Great line from Rip Torn’s character, Bob-the-defense attorney in the Albert Brooks’s underrated “Defending Your Life.”

Monday, January 31, 2011

Welcome back, beautiful, welcome back

Let’s make it hap’n, Cap’n, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. Especially if it follows the question: “Are you sure the baby is mine?”

A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. Well, maybe more like the person who used to be the Governor of California.

The East got slammed by another snowstorm. Hey, we Californians have our challenges with the weather too; yesterday the sun was so strong I had to go from SPF 40 sunblock up to SPF 60.

Following the arrest of the 130 Northeast mafia members, the FBI is discovering some of these guys aren’t big shots. Like Vinny “Slam Poet” Baggone, Aldo “Olive Garden Lovin’” Pazzoni and Tony “Thinks Snooki’s hot” Attorino.

“Secretariat” is out on DVD. Did you know Secretariat sired 600 colts? The difference between New York Jet Antonio Cromartie - who has nine kids with eight moms - and Secretariat? Secretariat could remember all of his offspring’s names.

Following the arrest of the 130 Northeast mafia members, the FBI is discovering some of these guys aren’t big shots. Like Jerry “Starbucks barista” Fabrozi, Fredo “Dungeons and Dragons “ Carbini and Jimmy “The Civil War Reenactor” Gagalone.

“Jersey Shore” is going to Italy for season 4. Well this should correct the Italian misconception that all America women are sluts.

He’s OK, but Charlie Sheen had to go the hospital for stomach pains. Apparently somebody mistakenly put some tea in his afternoon tea.

Following the arrest of the 130 Northeast mafia members, the FBI is discovering some of these guys aren’t big shots. Like Eddie “Aroma Therapy” Boscone, Frankie “Twilight” saga lover” Panuchi, and Louie “Mango facials” Lucianna.

Since you asked:
Have fallen back in love with quaffing a crisp, cold glass of Chardonnay while scarfing down a plate of tasty Chinese food and watching a movie. It’s up there in the league of a beer in the shower after a hard workout; the pouring a jug of water over your head after surfing and napping under a blanket on the couch while watching baseball or golf.

Man, do I gots dah awesome Led Zep "Boogie with Stu" awesome drum chops stuck in my head:

"I don't want no tutti-frutti no lolipop, come on baby, let's rock, rock, rock."