Roll it all up in there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Gropinator
To answer groping charges, Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired an investigator to probe the women’s allegations. Wasn’t it probing women’s allegations that got Arnold in trouble in the first place?

Nerd boys, nerd boys, whatchya gonna do?
Microsoft has offered a bounty for computer virus writers. In fact they are going to broadcast the computer virus writer actual arrests on a new “Cops” type show. It’s called; “Dorks.”

Good copy
A dairy farm in Minnesota has cows that are producing milk with caffeine in it. Did you see the new ad campaign? “Got Crack?”

What a coincidence
This week, after the attacks on our troops in Iraq, President Bush announced; “America will not run.” And after reviewing the mess left by Gray Davis, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced, “The California government will not run.”

A close one
Sports Illustrated published its 50th anniversary issue. Do you know who had the most non-sports-related S.I. covers? Christy Brinkley with three. Unless you don’t count the Los Angeles Clippers as sports related.

Can’t we all get along?
At the MTV music awards there was quite the Diva spat between Kelly Osbourne and Christine Aguilera. Christine has quite the growing list of enemies: Eminem, Mariah Carey, Britney Spears now Kelly Osbourne. And rumor has it Madonna is pissed because she chipped her tooth on Christine’s tongue-stud.

Just get it over with
1-7 San Diego Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer has been awfully cute and coy about not naming his starting quarterback against the 6-2 Minnesota Vikings. Does it really matter? It’s like General Custer fretting over which buckskin jacket to wear to the Little Big Horn.

Oh it’s so on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’d have to check
A frightened CBS has decided to drop their Ronald Reagan miniseries after claims by Republicans it has historical inaccuracies. Like the scene where the Queer Eye guys made Reagan over. I’m not sure that happened.

And those naked babe mud flaps
Howard Dean has now apologized for his statement that Republicans need to court the Southerner voters who have confederate flags on their pickups. But he does want to go after those cool guy’s with the “Honk if you’re horny” bumper stickers.

All warm and fuzzy
And here is today’s feel good story: Two Al Qaeda terrorists blew themselves up in Mecca when confronted by authorities. Nobody else was hurt but the terrorists. And they say all the news from the Middle East is bad.

Next on CBS: Nerd Bounty Hunter. “He doesn’t take negative for an answer”
Microsoft has offered a bounty for computer virus writers. This could launch a new career: Nerd Bounty Hunters. Twinkies slung on the belt to lure the Nerd out of his bedroom; hypoallergenic paint to spray their glasses to blind them; and a thin rubber band to handcuff them.

Anything else we can do, Vicente, Cha cha?
Mexico President Vicente Fox told Americans it’s time to reform immigration laws and make it easier for his people to legally cross the border. What does this guy want? Car pool volunteers to drive illegal aliens to the DMV to get their California driver’s licenses?

Good eatin’
A dairy farm in Minnesota has cows that are producing milk with caffeine in it. And if you pour the caffeine milk over Cocoa Puffs? Well, you, my friend, have just made yourself a heaping bowl of cereal crack.

As if Track didn’t have enough problems
Six prominent American track athletes have tested positive for a narcolepsy drug. Is that a problem? “Gentleman, take your mark. Get set. Wake up.”

Why would track athletes have narcolepsy? Now golfers, I could see why that would be a problem.

Snooze alarm
Six prominent American track athletes have tested positive for a narcolepsy drug. The only previously reported case of sports-related narcolepsy was cited by writers during Tiger Woods interviews.

Jinx this
There is a storied history of Sports Illustrated jinx’s. In 1957, Oklahoma’s 47 game winning streak came to an end. In 1970 Texas ended their 30 game win streak. But of all of the S.I. Jinx’s I gotta go with the article on Uday Hussein. Afterwards, not only did he die, but then, as a final insult, they made up his corpse to look like David Gest.

We got the Prez all up in our extra-crispy style hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Lock him up
At the Laci Peterson murder trial, a police officer testified he saw a mop and bucket in front of Scott Peterson’s home. That’s it. The mop is the smoking gun. He killed her. A guy has to be facing the chair before he will resort to using a mop and bucket.


Sensitive seniors
CBS decided to formerly pull the plug on “The Reagans” mini series. It wasn’t an easy decision. What with their advanced age, CBS viewers are very touchy about the phrase; “pull the plug.”

Neee hawww
Howard Dean, under fire from his Democratic rivals, refused to apologize for saying the party must court Southerners with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks. He did, however, add that they are also courting Southerners with those cool naked-lady-silhouette mud flaps.

Dean did, however, say he draws the line at the "I break for burning crosses" bumper stickers

Poor person
David Gest is having a rough time. Not only is he suing Liza Minelli over her alleged spouse abuse, but today he was ambushed and given a straight make-over. It was awful, they put him in gym shoes, jeans and a Hooters t-shirt and everything.


You’re out
New York Yankees Derek Jeter revealed he played the entire post season with a torn tendon in his thumb. And today, after a meeting with a mysterious Chicago gambling figure, Cubs foul-ball-flubber Steve Bartman no longer has thumbs at all.

Makes sense
New show premiered on NBC Monday night called "Average Joe”. A group of frail, dorky, geeky guys try to win the heart of a former NFL cheerleader. They got the idea from watching the San Diego Chargers.

I am also not easily distracted . . . oh lookie, there’s a birdy
Kobe Bryant scored 31 and now, despite all of his distractions, his L.A. Lakers are 4-0. I am impressed, and I am not a guy who is easily impressed . . . oh my god, look, it’s something shiny!

I’m a bounce it like this, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Holliday tip
If you want to lose that Halloween candy fat, here’s a great new exercise: chase a lawyer around a tree.

She's a Tripp
Speaking of fat, Linda Tripp has been awarded over $500,000 in her lawsuit against the defense department. A half a million is a lot of money. Even Linda Tripp could get a date with that much cash.


That is so sad
In discussing the Kobe Bryant/Shaquille O’Neal spat, L.A. Lakers owner Jerry Busse said he felt like the father of his players. If that is true of all team owners, you have to feel sorry for Clippers owner Donald Sterling; it’s as if he has fifteen kids who take the short bus to school.

Where is Beavis?
A female trainer alleges that Colts QB Payton Manning, while in the college training room at Tennessee, pressed his bare butt flush against her face. In football terms he ran a naked end-around and she was the nose tackle.

Here’s my question: What kind of injury did he have? Did he sprain his prostate?

What do you do say when you press your butt against a trainer’s face? “Does this look funny to you?”

Too bad she didn’t shoot back with; “The face isn’t familiar but the breath is the same.”

P. Did it
*I still can’t get over that P. Diddy ran the New York marathon. This has inspired other rappers to compete: Snoop doggy dog and Bow Wow are going to enter the Westminster dog show.

Oh, I see, it gonna be like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


A bad one
I had a rough Halloween. A little girl came to the door dressed as Liza Minelli and beat me up.

Oops
There was an embarrassing moment at the White House. When they informed President Bush that a Gay Episcopal bishop was consecrated, Bush suggested they give him some Metamucil.

Extra, read all about it
*The Kenyans dominated the New York City Marathon. In equally shocking New York news, there were rats in the Subway.

Badaboom. Try the veal, before Shaq eats it
*Hey, did you hear Shaquille O’Neal got on Jenny Craig? But don’t worry, they were able to pull Shaq off before Jenny was smashed to death.

Puffing Daddy
P. Diddy ran the New York Marathon. P. Diddy was exhausted. At one point during the race he almost threw off all of his guns.

It was great to see how excited P. Diddy was at the end of the New York Marathon, yelling, clapping, cheering, shooting off his machine gun.

Young love
*A lawyer was shot just outside of the Robert Blake trial. When Blake heard the shots he said; “Ahh, nothing like love in the fall.”

Bull’s eye
Did you see the video of the lawyer getting shot at behind the tree? He has already been released by the hospital. The gunman was right in front of him and fired five shots. How bad of a shot was that guy? Bill Clinton showed better aim with Monica Lewinski.

Oops they did it again
*ABC announced that Britney Spears is going to be interviewed by Diane Sawyer on "Prime Time Live" in November. To prepare to talk to Britney on her level, Diane will be sniffing glue all month.

Diane has one rule for Britney: no tongue action.

Consecrated 2
There was an embarrassing moment at the White House. When they informed President Bush that a Gay Episcopal bishop was consecrated; Bush asked; “Consecrated? I thought just them Jewish lads had their thingies consecrated?”