We up and did us some Wally-walkin’ last night, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The movie, “42” Is out. It is a movie about Jackie Robinson, it is not, repeat, not about the combined weight of the Olsen twins.

It is so cold in New York, former Peter Tweeter, Anthony Weiner couldn’t text a picture of his junk due to shrinkage.

At the Masters, Tiger Woods was penalized two strokes. Tiger had violated rule # 26-1 which states, after going into a water hazard, you must drop the ball where you previously hit it, not closer nor farther back. Tiger later admitted he dropped it two yards back, a clear violation of the 26-1 rule, but was not disqualified due to rule # 33-7 which exempts OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST PLAY GOLF, YOU RULE-SPEWING PEDANTIC DORKS.

Here is my question: why do the a-hole, oxygen-theives who call in with rule violations, why are they allowed to have any impact? They don't have a say in any other sport;

"Hey, Jimmy Johnson didn't use his left turn signal at Daytona, disqualify him." 

A McDonalds executive said their service was broken. This is not a surprise coming from a generation of “service” workers who consider good service when they inform the customer they will be on the phone with their friend for a while and advise them to come back later.

Since you asked:

Look, see, my Windy-Town baby-bears are currently embroiled in a rollicking brouhaha with those Fog-City G’ints in what appears to be a rather robust and challenging conditions that are veritably Norse-like at the normally quite cozy friendly confines of the gum-bums, Wrigley Field. It's a corker, I say. 

The Cubs are 4-6. Are they just two games out? Or are they playing .400? 

Is the glass half full or is the glass half empty? 

Depends.

If you are pouring water in the glass, it is half full. If you are drinking out of a full glass, then the glass is half empty. If you walk into a room and there is a half glass of water, that is half full because you did not know it was there in the first place. 

But what if you have a full glass of water on the table and a space alien designed to look like a shiny California condor smashes through your window, hovers over the glass and lowers a glass straw out of its butt and sucks out half the water back up  its butt? You scream, cool, but who is going to pay for that window?

But the glass is now half-empty. 

Masters official addressing if Tiger Woods got special treatment not to be disqualified:

"The Masters is about integrity and we look at all players the same."

Uh, yeah, except for whole that African Americans and women thang. 

Just from a golfing stand point. Do not forget that Tiger could have had a five stroke swing at the 15th if that shot went in or landed close, as it looked to be doing. Tiger is winning this damn thing if that happens. 

We know how we livin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A big hit at the Masters is 14-year-old Chinese golfer, Tianlang Guan. At 14, Guan didn’t even start playing golf until he retired from ten-years of working at a Nike factory.

Researchers unveil a two million-year-old creature that combined ape and human features called the Sediba; Sediba is an old African word that means: Kardashian.

Sediba had an ape-like body and arms, but hands that were so human and dexterous, he could play poker with Larry King. 

A man at an L.A.  Home Depot tried to saw both arms off; and you thought you had a hard time getting a hand at Home Depot.

In Tennessee, a former vice mayor was arrested for masturbating out his car window while driving 90 MPH. And here I thought people who drove Hummers were jerk-offs.

A 79-year-old Michigan woman came out of a 5-year coma and asked to see a Bob Seger concert. Good thing, because if she asked to see a Justin Bieber concert, she would have been declared insane.

North Korea continues to issue threats; not really sure Sarah Palin understands. She feels if North Korea and South Korea fight, they may forget about all the money we owe them.

Since you asked:

While still sore from snowboarding in Mammoth, I went surfing this morning at La Jolla Shores. Caught my best right ever. Five foot high, long, long ride and managed to kick out.

Right now I am a whole new kind of tired. Scorched brain circuitry. Got to admit, for the first time while snowboarding, I suffered from a little O.L.D. syndrome.

Tonichtity? Olive oil marinated a rib-eye. Rub on the steak of sea salt, fresh pepper and garlic powder and grilling over oak coals. Serving over a bed of garlic mashed potatoes and sautéed spinach while watching “The Masters.” 

This does not do Mammoth justice, but gives you and idea how beautiful it is

We gonna go full ‘tard on they tuchus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The cell phone is 40-years-old. Thank god for the cell phone or I wouldn’t be able to go to the grocery store and hear some idiot yell; “So I should get fat-free or non-fat milk?”

NBC has given the “Tonight Show” to a younger host, but Leno’s ratings are still #1. Hey, I got an idea, how about if they give Jay an NBC show at 10? Wait, why does that sound familiar?

President Barack Obama called the California Attorney General, Kamala Harris, the best looking attorney general. Then he had to apologize for calling her the best looking attorney general. Then he had to apologize to the 49 other attorney generals for not calling them the best looking. Then he had to apologize for calling them good looking.

Since you asked:

What an amazing trip to Mammoth. Trip started with much trepidation on my part. Got my car tuned up and was informed the air bags did not work. So I decided to rent a Ford Explorer.

Great idea.

But then I was still facing the daunting concept of driving 400 miles and back with a 7-month-old puppy and a grumpy 14-year-old. (AC’s friend Onnie was going to go with us, but had to cancel and A.C, was not happy) 

So how did a six –and-a-half hour-each-way road trip with a puppy and a teen girl go? (Knock on wood three times) It was a blast. Wally was a dream road-dog. Ann Caroline was in a great mood (AC is in a good mood 98% of the time) and loved the drive.

Mammoth is so beautiful and so amazing. Just tear-inducing gorgeous and majestic. We got so lucky and had a six-inch snowfall on Sunday night, and Monday was almost ideal. It was bright sunshine, but cold and windy and still really icy in places which is awful on a snowboard.

Me? I fell on the rock-hard ice the first three times I came off the lift. New board, new bindings, high cold winds and ice are too much to deal with at once. But after that, I rallied. Turned really well – in fact, the best I have ever turned on groomed runs.

After my third straight slam on the ice falling off the lift, I had an existential crisis. Imagine ice-skating and getting a fast head of steam going only to trip and slam face first. Same thing. If I hadn’t had a helmet, I would have been concussed, Gwen Stefani. (No Doubt)

So after the third hard fall off the chair on ice, I limp over to a bench for snowboarders to sit and strap my back foot in. The cold wind is howling. My gloves are now soaked from being the snow after a bunch of falls. Had to take off my soaked gloves to manage the cinching of the binding straps and my hands hurt like hell. My feet were cold and my ribs ached from the falls.

No lie, if I was a ten-year-old child, I would have been sobbing. Then I hear someone yell:

“Hey, UCSB, when did you graduate?” 

A guy on a snowboard comes up and yells after seeing my Navy blue winter jacket with UCSB in yellow/gold on the back.

“’81. I’m old.” And I was not lying, I was feeling every day of 54 at that moment.

“Awesome,” he says as he deftly straps his back foot in the rear binding. He stands up and says;

“I graduated in ‘73. Love that place. See you.”

And then he takes off at a 100 mph carving beautiful turns and is out of sight in a few seconds.”

He was my guardian 62-year-old Gaucho angel. At that instant I stopped feeling sorry for myself, strapped in and really started carving some nice turns on the groomed part of the runs. 

The rest of the trip, as long as I had my UCSB jacket on, I ran into my beloved alums everywhere I went in Mammoth.

At the end of the day had a couple Mai Tais at the bottom and I was in UCSB alum heaven.  

Giving the new girls happy feet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The cell phone is 40-years-old. Thank god for the cell phone or I wouldn’t be able to go to the grocery store and hear some idiot yell; “So I should get fat-free or non-fat milk?”

NBC has given the “Tonight Show” to a younger host, but Leno’s ratings are still #1. Hey, I got an idea, how about if they give Jay an NBC show at 10? Wait, why does that sound familiar?

President Barack Obama called the California Attorney General, Kamala Harris, the best looking attorney general. Then he had to apologize for calling her the best looking attorney general. Then he had to apologize to the 49 other attorney generals for not calling them the best looking. Then he had to apologize for calling them good looking.