Saturday, July 23, 2016

A Chicago team doctor prescribed eating potato chips to ward off persistent hand cramps for Cubs pitcher Jason Hammel. I’m going to guess the Giant’s, Pablo Sandoval, never suffered from hand cramps.  

In addition to potato chips, the doctor prescribed beer for those pesky, unsightly six-pack abs.

Donald Trump did not accept the resignation of Meredith McIver, the alleged plagiarizer. But you know she had a rough week: “Hey, Meredith, how about this? "To be or not to be? That is the question?" Catchy, huh?”

Word is Hillary Clinton’s running mate, Tim Kaine, makes the ticket more likable. Somebody then yelled, “A pit bull with lip gloss is more likable,” But then they told Bernie Sanders to pipe down. 

19,000 leaked email reveal a deep split between the democratic party and Bernie Sanders. And those are just the emails Hillary Clinton did not erase. 

These emails were quite revealing. Like that Bernie’s celebrity crush was Betty White.

Remember all the excitement caused over the two gay male African lions photographed having sex? Turns out they are not gay, one is a rare female with a mane. At least that is what the male is telling all the guys at the watering hole. 

"How about those Bears? I mean those Lions?" 

Friday, July 22, 2016

An ex-Chipotle exec has been found guilty of seven counts of buying cocaine. This guy put the El Chapo in Chipotle. 

They suspected he may be high on coke when he showed no interest in food besides Chipotle. 

Out of football for domestic violence since 2014, Ray Rice wants to play in the NFL and will donate his salary to charity. Just wish he had not said he wants to take another whack at playing. 

Remember “Jon & Kate Plus 8”? The father, Jon Gosselin, now cooks at a Penn. TGI Fridays. It seems “The Jon Gosselin Money Management” DVD did not sell as well as hoped.

Asked to comment, his ex, Kate, said, “What a loser.” Then Kate said, “Welcome to Hooters.” 

First Melania Trump plagiarized a speech. Now Melania’s claim of graduating from college is not true. What’s next? Let’s just say it’s possible Melania is a Slovanian word for Caitlyn. 

Had the honor of speaking to this great man a few times. He gave sage advice on guiding a kid in sports. Essentially, do not burn them out. At our kid's high school track meet he said of my daughter, A.C., "She has an incredible stride," in that golden voice. Rest in peace, Dennis Green. 
Thoughts on Donald Trump's RNC speech:

Donald Trump’s speech last night was borrowed from a sales technique called: “Make them sick and then cure them.” Although I think Trump’s interpretation was: “Beat the crap out of them and then cuddle.”

Donald Trump expecting to get Bernie Sanders followers because of trade is like expecting chickens to follow you because you make the best fajitas. 

After Donald Trump’s speech, NATO stands for Not Allowing Trump’s Opinion.

Did anyone else notice Trump fighting his instincts to try and pronounce LGBTQ as Ligbetcue? 

Looking at Trump’s crowd at the RNC, I’ve seen them before: they’re they same pasty, bitter people who showed up at my mother’s estate sale to insult her cherished belongings for a discount. 

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Funny monkey sniffs finger

We are due to do the do to the do that we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Remember the Minn. dentist, Walter Palmer, who killed the beloved lion, Cecil, on safari? Palmer had his Florida boat stolen and crashed. So much for the good ship, “Boaty McDooshface.”

The San Diego Comic Con is underway. There are Trekkies, there are Star Wars fanatics, there are  Pokemon nuts. It’s a nice week of rest for the San Diego hookers.

First Melania Trump called for plagiarism, and now they say she does not have a college degree like she claims. All in all not a good week for the “Melania For A Pulitzer” campaign. 

Don’t think I have ever felt as sorry for a super model billionaire third wife as I do right now. 

Today is National Junk Food Day. We need a National Junk Food Day like Melania Trump needs a lesson on how to Google and cut and paste. 

Retired Yankee superstar, Derek Jeter, is on his honeymoon with super model, Hannah Davis. Not to gossip, but I hear it is going quite well. Derek is up to level 20 in Pokemon Go.

At the RNC, Ted Cruz got booed for not endorsing Donald Trump. Cruz’s decision not to endorse Trump backfired so much, Cruz is now saying he plagiarized it. 

That’s like giving a Best Man speech at a wedding on how how hot the Maid of Honor is. 

A Trump writer, Meredith McIver, took responsibility for parts of Michelle Obama’s speech ending up in Melania Trump’s speech. In fact, it went so well, Trump is thinking about blaming McIver for his four failed casinos and four bankruptcies.

(This blog is getting looked at closer than Melania Trump's college degree)

Since you asked:
When it comes to comedians becoming politically oriented, one way or the other, a brilliant comedian told me you go from comedian to comic to pundit to satirist to unemployed. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

A Trump writer, Meredith McIver, took responsibility for the passages of Michelle Obama’s speech in Melania Trump’s speech. Melania said she wants to move on and continue her work chasing Moose and Squirrel. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Plagiarism, schmagiarism, I am a buffalo in North Dakota, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is hot, I am sweating like Melania Trump’s speech writer. 

R. Iowa Rep., Stephen King, made controversial comments about white people. King now claims he was plagiarizing someone. 

The Trump campaign denies that his wife, Melania, copied parts of a '08 Michelle Obama speech at the RNC. In fact, Melania wanted to thank her speech writer, Carl. Carl Cutanpaste. 

(There are a lot of cut and paste jokes, as one would expect, but this one is mine) 

The Trump campaign denies his wife, Melania, copied parts of a Michelle Obama speech at the RNC. Let’s give Melania a break. English is her second language. Her first language is Prenuptial. 

The bad news is it looks like whoever wrote Melania Trump’s speech copied it from Michelle Obama’s '08 speech. The good news? They did pick a good speech to copy. 

Despite the controversy, let’s not forget the message of Melania Trump’s well-told speech: If you work hard, good things will happen. But if you want great things to happen, you have to be smoking hot. 

Forget the plagiarism, Melania Trump giving a speech on the virtue of hard work is like Bill Cosby extolling the virtue of foreplay.

The Trump campaign denies that his wife, Melania, copied parts of a Michelle Obama speech at the RNC. I’m not so sure. Especially when Melania yelled, “Can I get a what-what, Barack baby?” 

Let’s think about this: unemployed billionaire supermodel, Melania Trump, hired speech writers who stole her a speech on the importance of what? Hard work.

The Trump campaign denies his wife, Melania, copied parts of Michelle Obama’s speech at the RNC. If you’re a Trump speech writer, A, do not steal speeches, B, really do not steal any Obama speeches.

Forget the plagiarism, am I the only one offended by how Melania Trump was mocking how much Romanians sound like vampires? 
(another obvious one) 

Monday, July 18, 2016

The Outfields - I don't wanna lose your love tonight

This just in:

The NFL is going to put computer chips in the balls. They’re called the “You stay the hell away from me, Tom Brady” chip.

You mean to tell me those geniuses at the NFL have figured out a way to measure where the ball is that is more accurate than four guys holding three sticks and a chain? What will they think of next? 

A Leipzig University study claims the first born child is the smartest. This study is called the “Except For George W. Bush” study. 

On “60 Minutes,” Donald Trump told Lesly Stahl he’s much more humble than she could understand. “No offense, but you’re too much of a moron to understand how modest I am.”

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on “60 Minutes.” Was it just me, or did Mike Pence have the terrified frozen smile of a grandfather careening in a car with a granddaughter who can’t drive?

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on “60 Minutes.” Was it just me, or did they look like the older lesbian couple coming out during Thanksgiving?

The coup in Turkey failed. It was awkward when Donald Trump said, “They were lucky. I know from Thanksgiving. You need to build a giant turkey-wall to keep out the turkeys.”

At the GOP convention volunteers are blowing up over 125,000 balloons to be released. And in honor of Donald Trump, they are hot air balloons. 

Chris Christie is upset he was not picked to be Donald Trump’s running mate. When asked if he will be able to get past this, Christie said he would close that bridge when he comes to it.