Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Back on Monday, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Well, Slatterns and Ranchers, we are off to the heartland for a quick vacation. We are only in Chicago long enough to chomp a brat and swig an Old Style and hear some rockin' harmonica blues and then it’s off to Wisconsin. (Hopefully I get to sit in on harmonica with a band in some Wisconsin tavern. We'll see)  

My daughter will see where my folks rest, where I grew up and went to school and, most importantly, meet all of our great friends.

So I will update this on Monday. Until then, go Cubs. (Oh, whom am I kidding?)

Take care of Wrigley and Kasey while I'm gone. (We actually have someone house-sitting those beasts. Can you think of anything more pathetic?)

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Oh we good like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Who thinks of these surveys?
*An L.A. Times survey reveals that 4 out of 10 people urinate in the shower. That means, when asked if they urinate in the shower, 6 out of 10 people lie that they don’t.

Sailors can only take so much
*The Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan returned to San Diego. But then the sailors heard Dick Cheney and Teresa Heinz cursing, they ran back, horrified, to the sanctity of their ship.

*Teresa Heinz, John Kerry’s wife, told a reporter to shove it. She and Dick Cheney should start a sexual advice hotline together.

You know the John Kerry spin-doctors are going to try and fix this;

“Shove it? Oh no, what Teresa said was “show of it”; yeah, the Democrats are really going to make a show of it this election.”

When asked to comment on Teresa Heinz comment to a reporter to “shove it,” one Kerry political advisor said: “Which way to the bar?”

Speaking of the bar
*Molson and Coors are merging. I hope this doesn’t start a trend of beers merging. If Schlitz and Blatz merged that would make Shatz.

Easy case
*Rapper Murder-C, who is currently in jail awaiting a retrial for murder, has been indicted for attempting to kill a nightclub owner. This shouldn’t be a hard case for the prosecution:

“State your name.”


“I rest, your honor.”

Wicked curve
*Did you see that opening pitch John Kerry threw at the Boston Red Sox game? Just like Kerry, it changed directions four times.

*John Kerry was at the Boston Red Sox game. The nickname for the Boston Red Sox is BoSox. When they asked Kerry if he liked the BoSox Kerry misunderstood and said;

 “I’ve never had Botox. I’m just naturally youthful.”

Olympic food
*A Greek news agency says that, just prior to the Olympics, some three-dozen restaurant owners in Athens have been fined for price gouging. That’s not as bad as the restaurants at the 1984 Seoul, Korea Olympic games. They really went to the dogs.

Might want to try that
*A poll reveals that a majority of Iraqi’s are not satisfied with the coalition’s rebuilding of Iraq. Sorry to hear that. Now, I’m not in construction, but I think the rebuilding might go faster if they, oh, I don’t know, stopped kidnapping workers and beheading them.

Monday, July 26, 2004

 I’m just tryin’ to drive you to the store, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
I'll take "Him again?" for one hundred, Alex
I think the folks at “Jeopardy” are getting a little tired of Ken Jennings winning all the time. Today’s categories included “I am really getting tired of this Ken Jennings clown” for two hundred.

Oh, goody
This year’s Democratic Convention promises to be exciting. They’ll have a new feature where top democrats take turns reading documents that fell out of Sandy Berger’s pants.

Also ran
To prepare for the Democratic National Convention, Ted Kennedy advised democrats not to attack Bush with criticism. Kennedy said that’s not how you win presidential elections. How would he know? He’s never won, Kennedy is the Jan Ullrich of presidential elections.

Is that nice?
*Democratic vice presidential candidate John Edwards struggled Monday with a hoarse voice. As opposed to John Kerry who has a horse head.

*Ted Kennedy is going to speak at the Democratic convention. Can you imagine? Between John Kerry and Ted Kennedy, you won’t see bigger heads at Mount Rushmore.

Tour de Lonestar
I’m not sure President Bush understands the entire Tour de France concept. When he called to congratulate fellow Texan Lance Armstrong, Bush suggested that next year they hold the Tour de France in Texas. Bush said; “We got a Paris too, you know.”

Take two 
*After only five years in the NFL, Miami running back Ricky Williams has announced his retirement. There is no truth to the rumor Williams is set to star in the sequel to “Predator.”

Kobe’s beef
*In a huge victory for Kobe Bryant, his accuser’s sexual activity was ruled relevant. The defense claims the accuser had many sexual encounters in the 72 hours before her hospital exam. Even Paris Hilton said; “Good lord, give it a rest, girlfriend.”

*Did you see the campaign video with John Kerry talking to a kid named Edward? Kerry, in his patented “Wizard of Oz” voice says; “My running mate’s last name is Edwards.” This Kerry guy is so stiff he makes Richard Nixon and Calvin Coolidge look like Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton.

Maybe it’s just me, but when John Kerry speaks, I expect him to say; “I am the mighty OZ. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”

To be fair
And maybe it’s just me, but every time I hear President Bush speak, I feel like yelling; “Run, Forrest, run.”

The last place you look
Some of President Bush’s missing Air National Guard records were discovered. It turns out they were in Sandy Berger’s pants.

Sandy Berger has so many documents in his pants, when Sandy goes to the cleaners, he has his pants starched, pressed and collated.

Bark like a  . . .
*An Illinois man was charged with having sex with a dog. Which is ironic because, when he goes to prison, he will be everyone’s bitch.

I’ll take “I’m tired of this clown” for one hundred, Alex
*Ken Jennings has now won over a million dollars on “Jeopardy.” I’m not saying the producers of “Jeopardy” are getting nervous, but the next final Jeopardy category is; “Whatever Ken Jennings says is wrong.”

Lance in France
Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France. There are reports of French spectators spitting on Lance Armstrong. With so much practice, one would think the French would be better losers by now.

The attitude of the French is that, as far as the Tour de France is concerned, Americans are arrogant, ignorant and ambivalent. When asked to comment on the French accusation of American arrogance, ignorance and ambivalence, one America said;

“Frankly, I don’t know, nor do I care. It's beneath me.”

Since you asked
Help explain why this seemed so funny to me.

My five-year-old- daughter is watching “The Princess Diaries.” I ask:

“Is this that movie with Lindsay Lohan?”

She replies:

“You mean Hillary Duff?”

“Oh, yeah.” I say.

She looks at me and says;


Is the gas lighting starting already?