I’m just tryin’ to drive you to the store, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
I'll take "Him again?" for one hundred, Alex
I think the folks at “Jeopardy” are getting a little tired of Ken Jennings winning all the time. Today’s categories included “I am really getting tired of this Ken Jennings clown” for two hundred.
This year’s Democratic Convention promises to be exciting. They’ll have a new feature where top democrats take turns reading documents that fell out of Sandy Berger’s pants.
To prepare for the Democratic National Convention, Ted Kennedy advised democrats not to attack Bush with criticism. Kennedy said that’s not how you win presidential elections. How would he know? He’s never won, Kennedy is the Jan Ullrich of presidential elections.
Is that nice?
*Democratic vice presidential candidate John Edwards struggled Monday with a hoarse voice. As opposed to John Kerry who has a horse head.
*Ted Kennedy is going to speak at the Democratic convention. Can you imagine? Between John Kerry and Ted Kennedy, you won’t see bigger heads at Mount Rushmore.
Tour de Lonestar
I’m not sure President Bush understands the entire Tour de France concept. When he called to congratulate fellow Texan Lance Armstrong, Bush suggested that next year they hold the Tour de France in Texas. Bush said; “We got a Paris too, you know.”
*After only five years in the NFL, Miami running back Ricky Williams has announced his retirement. There is no truth to the rumor Williams is set to star in the sequel to “Predator.”
*In a huge victory for Kobe Bryant, his accuser’s sexual activity was ruled relevant. The defense claims the accuser had many sexual encounters in the 72 hours before her hospital exam. Even Paris Hilton said; “Good lord, give it a rest, girlfriend.”
*Did you see the campaign video with John Kerry talking to a kid named Edward? Kerry, in his patented “Wizard of Oz” voice says; “My running mate’s last name is Edwards.” This Kerry guy is so stiff he makes Richard Nixon and Calvin Coolidge look like Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton.
Maybe it’s just me, but when John Kerry speaks, I expect him to say; “I am the mighty OZ. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”
To be fair
And maybe it’s just me, but every time I hear President Bush speak, I feel like yelling; “Run, Forrest, run.”
The last place you look
Some of President Bush’s missing Air National Guard records were discovered. It turns out they were in Sandy Berger’s pants.
Sandy Berger has so many documents in his pants, when Sandy goes to the cleaners, he has his pants starched, pressed and collated.
Bark like a . . .
*An Illinois man was charged with having sex with a dog. Which is ironic because, when he goes to prison, he will be everyone’s bitch.
I’ll take “I’m tired of this clown” for one hundred, Alex
*Ken Jennings has now won over a million dollars on “Jeopardy.” I’m not saying the producers of “Jeopardy” are getting nervous, but the next final Jeopardy category is; “Whatever Ken Jennings says is wrong.”
Lance in France
Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France. There are reports of French spectators spitting on Lance Armstrong. With so much practice, one would think the French would be better losers by now.
The attitude of the French is that, as far as the Tour de France is concerned, Americans are arrogant, ignorant and ambivalent. When asked to comment on the French accusation of American arrogance, ignorance and ambivalence, one America said;
“Frankly, I don’t know, nor do I care. It's beneath me.”
Since you asked
Help explain why this seemed so funny to me.
My five-year-old- daughter is watching “The Princess Diaries.” I ask:
“Is this that movie with Lindsay Lohan?”
“You mean Hillary Duff?”
“Oh, yeah.” I say.
She looks at me and says;
Is the gas lighting starting already?