We gonna cue it and skew it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Aww, that’s nice
It was such a nice day in New York, Alex Rodriguez walked alongside as his 50 year-old girlfriend Madonna rode her Rascal Scooter in Central Park.

35 year-old Alex Rodriguez is dating nearly 50 year-old Madonna; I’m not saying she’s too old for him, but after they have a love spat, Madonna puts A-Rod in a time-out.

Where the windows clean people - Danny Thomas
Yesterday was the opening day of horse racing at the Del Mar Racetrack. My horses didn’t do so well. A-Rod’s Prenupt was disqualified, Jesse’s Testes Cutter stumbled out of the gate, and McCain’s Viagra Wood faded at the end.

Classy
A woman in Florida was charged with assault after she attacked her boyfriend with a toilet seat after catching him smoking her crack in the bathroom. Not exactly “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” is it?

You can almost hear the crunching of bare feet stepping on spilled pork rinds on the trailer home roach-ridden linoleum floor. (Paint that word picture, Lexster)

Sounds like a music video for a duet with Gretchen Wilson and Amy Winehouse.

Ouch
Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim called his arrest on sodomy charges a "dirty trick and conspiracy." Not to mention the sodomy charges are a real pain-in-the-ass.

Saturday Morning Caffeine-Fueled Rant and Rave, and I am warning you, this one is out there: (I think I swallered me some o’ that Persifick Oceakin)
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Great session stand up paddleboard surfing – or sesh as the hipsters say - at Torrey Pines early this AM. Not so much surfing as they were mostly long rollers and shore whompers and even the regular surfers weren’t catching much in the way of rides. I caught a good wave on the way in –or more to the point, it caught me - and got munched. Another close encounter with dolphins – or Phoonskis, as I like to call them – as they were frolicking in the surf.

Great post SUP surfing tunes? Red Hot Chili Peppers, specifically “Otherside” “Under The Bridge,” “Dani California” and “Scar Tissue.” By the way, that chorus on “ST” nobody can figure out? “With the birds I share this lonely view.” Not, as I used to think “With the barber I shear this only ewe.” Love the military-like snappy snare on the drums.

As I was extremely tired and starving afterwards, my resistance broke down and I picked up Breafie at McDunkiedos –what am I turning into with these stupid nicknames, George W.? - when a thought occurred: how much fun would it be to drive up to a drive-through window and pretend to the cashier that you were blind? Not making fun of blind folks, obviously, but it would be fascinating to see how they would react and what they would say to a blind guy driving a car by himself. Seriously, dark shades and a white cane in my hand and Kasey, my yellow Labrador, wearing a harness leash in the seat next to me.

If they did ask how a blind guy was driving I would tell them I have a special GPS that monitors the car from a satellite camera with an operator directing me how to drive. It’s a good system, but not perfect. Just ask our neighbors, the Bucksons, who used to own Mr. Whiskers the kitty. But when it clouds up I am on my own. You know. Driving by Braille.

If that isn’t an awesome “SNL” skit, I don’t know what is.

Stop it, hop it and chop it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is so hot in Washington, the Nationals are striking out on purpose just to feel the breeze coming off of their bats.


In what is being applauded as a noble gesture, Hillary Clinton is campaigning for Barack Obama; and, in what might be an even more generous and effective move for democrats, Hillary has asked Bill Clinton to campaign for John McCain.


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had their twins, a boy and girl. In an ironic twist, the twins were immediately adopted by a starving African couple.


Troubled NFL star Pacman Jones announced he is dropping his nickname Pacman and going by his given name, Adam. In an equally effective move, Trenton, New Jersey just changed its name to Malibu, California.


Troubled NFL star “Pacman” Jones announced he is dropping his nickname Pacman and going by his given name, Adam. In public relations circles this move is known by its more familiar name: The old lipstick-on-a-pig spin.


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had their twins, a boy and girl. No word on what their names are but don’t rule out Lugnut, Saskatchewan, Platypus or Biscuit.


The Washington Nationals are tied with the worst record in baseball. In fact, for the Nationals to do any worse they would have to be caught on-camera threatening to cut off Barack Obama’s testicles.


France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy hosted the leaders of Syria, Israel and Palestine. It was considered a brave diplomatic gesture right up until the moment Sarkozy surrendered France to the Syrians, Israelis and the Palestinians.


Troubled NFL Star "Pacman" Jones is changing to his given name, Adam. In a related story, OJ Simpson has changed his name to Nelson Mandela.

On the road to righteous indignation, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


A sudden realization
The Barack Obama campaign is irate over a “The New Yorker” cartoon cover which depicts Barack Obama as a Muslim and his wife, Michelle, as a terrorist.

A spokesperson for “The New Yorker” replied; “Why can’t you see? We’re so clever that we are intentionally making an offensive caricature to illuminate its absurdity . . . oh my god, we really are total douche-bags.”


And then I turn around and do what I just scathingly accused “The New Yorker” of doing
Barack Obama may sponsor a NASCAR car.

When asked if he felt a presidential candidate pandering to a juxtaposed disparate demographic was condescending, one NASCAR fan said; “I’m a gonna fry this here possum for my supper.”

And then I do it again
Barack Obama may sponsor a NASCAR car.

When asked how he felt about a black presidential candidate sponsoring a NASCAR car, one NASCAR fan said; “What’s a black presidential candidate?”


And then a more-than-slightly-cheap-shot xenophobic finish
In a Bastille Day celebration, France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy hosted the leaders of Syria, Israel and Palestine.

It was considered a brave and inspired diplomatic gesture right up until the moment Sarkozy surrendered France to the Syrians, Israelis and the Palestinians.