Friday, May 01, 2015

A man in an Ohio Chic-fil-A accidentally shot himself in the leg in the bathroom. He's fine. A spokesman for Chic-fil-A said; 

“Thank god, he just shot himself, we were afraid he was doing something gay in there.”

May is National Masturbation Month. Please don’t say you gave at the office.

There is an app that tells brides if someone hasn’t purchased anything from their registry. The app is called: “What poor bastard is marrying this greedy, passive-aggressive bitch?”

Of the three announced republican candidates, only one does not speak Spanish, Ted Cruz. Cruz’s Spanish is so bad, he cannot pronounce his first name: Rafael.

A Cornell doctor claims access to Internet porn is damaging American lives. “Tell us about it,” said the publishers of “Hustler,” “Playboy” and “Penthouse.”

Yesterday was National Honesty Day, this month, May, is National Masturbation Month. Thank god the two didn’t overlap.

A man in an Ohio Chic-fil-A accidentally shot himself in the leg in the bathroom. He’s OK. Sadly, the bullet was the healthiest thing to go inside a customer at the Chic-fil-A.

Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders, is running for president. He is also the leading contender in the "Larry David Look-Alike Contest."

Today is National Honesty Day. I’m lying, it was yesterday...

Ford is recalling almost a million cars due to steering problems and the doors fly open. The good news is, right before you hit that tree, you will be able to jump out of the open door.

Jameis Winston was drafted #1 by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Perfect fit for Winston because Buccaneers derives from a French word that means: pirate who steals shellfish.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Teenage Wasteland ( Baba O`Riley ) - The Who

Meredith Brooks - Bitch

Is it just me, or are the opening chords awful similar on "Bitch" and "Teenage Wasteland"?

The Pope is urging priests to make less boring sermons. And he is telling nuns it wouldn’t kill them to twerk once in a while.

A Kenyan man was forced in court to face the female goat he raped before he was sentenced to ten years for bestiality. He learned the hard way that bleat means bleat.

Taco Bell is offering a taco shell made out of Fritos. Once again, thank you legal and medical marijuana.

Today was the NFL draft. Normally teams try to avoid things like sexual assault charges, multiple theft charges, public obscenity charges and illegal weapons charges, but the Tampa Bay Buccaneers picked Jameis Winston first anyway.

An Internet meme said a fun thing to do when you get an unidentified call is to whisper; “It’s done, but there is blood everywhere.” Unless the caller happens to get indicted for murder, then you’re going to prison.

A buddy of Chris Christie will testify in the Bridge-gate probe. It will be the first time Jack from Jack In the Box has testified.

A transgender woman, arrested in the Baltimore riots, is suing because she was held in a male holding cell. And this sums up everything that is wrong with our society.

It is the 18th anniversary of the release of the Meredith Brooks hit song “Bitch.” You know why Meredith Brooks did not catch on? Turns out she is a bitch.

A 91-year-old woman in the UK got engaged to her 102-year-old boyfriend. She wants to honeymoon in Paris. He wants to honeymoon while still alive.

There is a new reality show where a family has to decide if they keep $100,000 or give it to a neighbor. The show is called; “What Are You, an Idiot?”

Rochelle S. Marbury is a stone bitch.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Randy Newman - Baltimore & Lyrics

Due to the riots, the Orioles played the Chicago White Sox in front of an empty Baltimore stadium. Finally an answer to the age-old philosophical question: if a baseball player scratches his crotch and spits, and nobody is there, is it still disgusting?

No fans got to enjoy the game. On the bright side, nobody did the wave.

There was so little interest in the game, by the fifth inning it was officially declared a WNBA game. 

The NFL draft is this weekend and several top players who were predicted to go early in draft are dropping. Some are dropping so far, they may not even play in the NFL. They may have to play for the Oakland Raiders.

During Supreme Court arguments on same-sex marriage, one of the conservative judges argued against gay marriage because they did not have gay marriage in ancient Greece. Oh no. Ancient Greece didn’t have Netflix either, are we going to lose that too?