Drop it like you got to stop it and tear in to swear in, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
An “American Idol” contestant came out in a bikini. Her bottoms were so skimpy, let’s just say Sanjaya wasn’t the only contestant one with a Mohawk
She was so scorching hot, even Ryan Seacrest had to pretend he was turned on.
Stevie Wonder performed at the Lincoln Memorial for Barack Obama; this went a lot smoother when Stevie Wonder performed for President Bush. Bush kept trying to wave hello to Stevie.
According to a Cosmo Internet poll, 83% of men said they would be turned off if they knew a woman had plastic surgery; another survey reveals 83% of men are full of crap on surveys.
Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. That is so sexist. I’m not asking for equal pay here but 160 times more pay? Where is that scary feminist lawyer, Gloria Allred? Get her on the phone.
Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. Do you know what would happen if they paid men $8,000 for sperm? No need for Government bail outs. .
Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for their sperm. Do you know what guys said to that grave injustice? “They pay $50 for sperm? Cool.”
The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl for the first time, the Pittsburgh Steelers seventh trip. In fact, do you know the difference between the Detroit Lions and the Los Angeles Dodgers? At least the Dodgers have an outside shot of ever making it to a Super Bowl.
Marvel Comics announced they are going to create a gay super hero. This comes almost eighty years after the first gay cartoon character, Popeye. What? He was a vegetarian show-tune singing sailor who’s motto was “I am what I am.” Please.
Marvel Comics announced they are going to create a gay super hero. The gay super hero doesn’t have any special powers but he is a fiercely viscous gossip.
Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. Unless you won the Kentucky Derby, than they pay a lot more for your sperm.
New York Knicks center, Eddy Curry, was charged with sexual harassment by his male ex-driver; players had a feeling Curry might have been gay because of his articulate and sensitive trash talking; “Your mother, although a kind women, had serious food issues.”
I don’t want to say Dick Cheney in the wheel chair looked like “It’s a Wonderful Life” Mr. Potter, but when they asked Cheney what he thought of the inauguration, he said “Sentimental Hogwash.”
“Track and Field News” named Jamaica’s Usain Bolt the #1 sprinter of 2008. To be candid, I don’t see what’s such a big deal about Bolt’s world record: 9.69 100 meters. In college track, I once had a time of 9.69 in the 100 meters. Sure I had twenty more meters to go . . .
Since you asked:
Poor Barack Obama.
What that brave guy has ahead of him is just mind-numbing. Could there be a crappier job? Yes, you live in a nice mansion, you have a nice private helicopter and plane. And I hear the White House kitchen staff can whip up anything you want to eat on a second’s notice. And you meet a lot of interesting people and you have a real chance to make a real change in a lot of people’s lives and to go down in history for doing it.
But that is it.
The easiest part of the job is giving speeches and town hall meetings. The traveling is brutal and then the rest of the time it is those mind-numbing banquets dinners and luncheons and press conferences and even more useless ceremonies. If it is a bad year I maybe have to go to ten banquets or fundraisers a year, and I hate all of them. (Not counting the rare ones I MC which is more fun. And I get paid)
But then you are working your ass off on issues and bills that, even if they pass and do what you want them to do, you probably won’t get any of the credit- the lawmakers and politicians take that – but you will assuredly take all of the blame if a decision goes bad. And I am not even getting into the endless cabinet meetings and conference calls.
And let's not even think about the fact that all of this has to happen in front of the press and in a suit. When I was a kid I thought the greatest job was President of the United States. That's the difference between innocence and getting older. Now I know it is the worst job in the world.
Nope, as the great David Letterman says so well and so often:
I wouldn’t give that guy’s troubles to a monkey on a rock.
But you do get to go to Camp David and make a wallet . . .
Somehow I got missed
Between the Sundance film Festival and the inauguration, with all the performances and speeches and balls and fundraisers, it would appear that I am the only celebrity who is not in Washington DC or Park City, Utah which, I guess is OK, because, in my own way I feel I am . . . wait, just a second, one of the staff members here at a.l.b.b. is trying to tell me something.
Yes? Huh? Really? When did this happen?
Heh, ha, heee, uh, it appears, Slatterns and Ranchers that, I, uh, I am not a celebrity.
Dammit, I want someone's tookus in my totebag.