Get back up there
“The National Enquirer” claims that Prince Charles has separated from Camilla; Charles should start dating soon, once you get thrown off a horse, it’s important to get right back on another one.
Two words: cha and ching
A $200 million dollar ad campaign came up with a new motto for the Army: Army Strong. That’s $100 million a word. That’s the most anyone has gotten for two words since Kevin Federline said “I do.”
Scientists are now saying that North Korea attempted to test a nuclear bomb but it did not go off. Asked to comment, an embarrassed North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il replied; “I swear this has never happened before.”
The bitch is back
What is the deal with Kim Jong Il? He wears big huge glasses, he has platform shoes and a really weird hairdo. He is just one civil partnership from being Elton John.
The Army has changed their motto from an Army of One to Army Strong. The bad news? Today Army Strong tested positive for steroids.
This Army Strong campaign has worked so well they are extending it to other government groups; Congressman Grope, I.R.S. Sucks and FEMA blows.
Can you believe the mouth on that liberal?
At her concert in New York, Barbra Streisand told a front row heckler to shut the F up.
In fact, Streisand was so angry, so foul-mouthed, so indignant, she is going to get her own show on Fox News.
Nice try, counselor
In Ohio, a city prosecutor was charged with indecency after a security camera caught him walking around their government offices naked. He claims he was just preparing his briefs.
So he wasn’t that bad
On “Good Morning America” Mel Gibson told Diane Sawyer he was insane when he went on his drunken anti-Semitic tirade. But to Mel’s credit, even though he was smashed, he didn’t once send a horny e-mail to a male teenage page.
On “Good Morning America” Mel Gibson told Diane Sawyer he was sorry about his DUI but it happened because he was upset about being the possible father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
Mel said he had to go home and have a few beers to tell his children about his arrest. And nothing sends a message to children that you are sorry about a DUI like knocking back a few cold ones.
Good news bad news
Indiana Pacers guard Stephan Jackson was charged with criminal recklessness after firing a gun off in the air outside of an Indianapolis strip club. On the bright side, Jackson was named an honorary Cincinnati Bengal for the week.
A Muslim leader in Iran has called for his followers to not masturbate during the holy month of Ramadan. As a result the number of volunteer suicide bombers has skyrocketed.
Power of positive thinking
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was on last night. Whatever you think about Arnold, you cannot deny the guy is the most optimistic guy in the world. Just to give you an idea how optimistic Arnold is, today he bought Oakland A’s tickets for games six and seven.
Since you asked:
In defense of the people who defended Mel Gibson as not meaning what he said while smashed on Tequila, I neglected to present some of the Tequila fueled lies that come from women. This accidental omission was corrected by the very talented comedy writer, Janice Hough:
"And adding to your in vino veritas. Yeah right. But what makes you think it is only men? Here's a fewfrom the other side. (and I have been married for 24years but I have friends of both sexes that date.)
I never do this on the first date.
You're the first guy I've ever met in a bar.
I haven't had a sexual relationship in over a year, and then it was ONLY with my serious boyfriend.
I hate shopping, I would so much rather read.
Shoes, oh I probably have 3 or 4 pair.
You're the best ever.
These? Of course they're real.
I'd never fake it with you.
I don't understand why women wear so much makeup. (often spoken by someone who puts it on with a trowel)
I would never have plastic surgery (unless I couldafford it or marry someone rich.)
Oh, of course I am on the pill.(in the context of, okay, you said you are not seriousand even though I want kids and to get married I am okay with casual sex.) "