Mind your ear, Creek, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


What’s the difference between Joe Biden and a pit bull? Teeth whitener.

So who does Paul Ryan’s hair? Eddie Munster?

A Florida man died right after winning a cockroach-eating contest. This will officially change the Florida state motto from In God We Trust to: Yo, We Got Some Mad Human Trash Living Up In This Piece.

A Florida man used a stun-gun to steal a pizza from a Papa John’s delivery man. Or as they all this guy in Florida: a high-tech mastermind criminal.

The San Francisco Giants came back to win the NLCS over the Cincinnati Reds. In the Castro district, men were ripping off their shirts, drinking, dancing and hugging. Asked how long they will celebrate the Giants win they said; “What Giants win?” 

The San Francisco Giants came back to win the NLCS over the Cincinnati Reds thanks to the Giants’ Buster Posey’s grand slam. And to think I had no idea the actor who played “Napoleon Dynamite” was such a good athlete.

Lots of interesting information coming out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s book. For example, instead of “Terminator 2” catch-phrase “Hasta la vista, baby,”Arnold wanted to say; “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”  


Since you asked:
In honor of the great "Modern Family" Phil Dunphy's "Phil-osophy", e.g. "Try and enjoy a sunset once a day," here we now have:

Lex-icons:

Enjoy the little things in life. But some big things are pretty cool. And the middle-sized ones can be great. So there's that.

Commit one act of random kindness a day. But not to that she-witch down the street, Charlotte. Almost every day she cut me off when I was taking Ann Caroline to school, that bitch...

Play music when you cook and talk when you eat dinner. Unless something really good is on TV,  like a good game or something.

Give a nickname to all of your pants. Time to put you on, Mr. Grey Guy. Yo, BJ the blue jeans, time to hang you up.

When you work out, laugh and scoff at the millions of people who are not working out. When you don't work out, tell those smug jerks who are working out and mocking you to eff off. 

Once a day sweat, laugh, poop and cry. Just don't do all four when you're having sex.  

Be the best that you can be. Unless you're a douche-bag, then go the other way.

All things in moderation including, from time-to-time, moderation. 

This here puppy we'll call Tyrone

Separated at birth? 

Cat Stevens - Father and Son Original

To anyone who has lost a parent and has a child. Take those self-tortured thoughts of "If I could only  have one more day" and use them on your kid.

Separated at birth? Giants star, Buster Posey and "Napoleon Dynamite" star Jon Hyder.

This right here the kind of dog Walley P. is, a Goldendoodle

We got us a tilt up in this puuuuuuuh-eeeeeeeace, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At a Lady Gaga concert, Lady Gaga threw up on stage. Talk about putting the Gag in Gaga.

A British rugby player ruptured a testicle and finished the game before going to the hospital to have it removed. Wow, can you believe the ball on this guy?

The most amazing coincidence? The team he played for are the Cyclops.

Now that guy is a baller.

In Kentucky, the former NFL cheerleader has reached a deal in her case for having sex with her 17-year-old male student. She agrees to not have sex with students if the student agrees to stop his celebratory Snoopy dance. 

The good news is gas prices are leveling off; the bad news is the reason gas prices are stable is we are all running out of money to buy it.

A British rugby player ruptured a testicle and finished the game before going to the hospital to have it removed. Rugby players are tough. I know of a soccer player who missed a game because his fingernail polish wasn’t dry yet.

At a Lady Gaga concert, Lady Gaga threw up on stage but her singing miraculously continued. Big deal? Britney Spear’s singing continued when she left to go to the bathroom.

Haz yourself some, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An engaged Pennsylvania man is suing a strip club because he claims a stripper fell from the pole on to his lap rupturing his bladder. Not sure which is worse, admitting to your fiancé you went to a strip club or having to tell your buddies a stripper kicked your ass.

Guys, if a stripper falls on your lap and the first thing she hits is your bladder? Maybe you shouldn’t be marrying a woman.

Cadbury has produced a chocolate candy bar that appeals specifically to women; it’s called: any candy bar that is chocolate.

In Kentucky, the former NFL cheerleader has reached a deal in her case for having sex with her 17-year-old male student. She agrees to not have sex with students if the student agrees to stop high-fiving everyone he sees.  

The Spanish woman who destroyed the 19^th Century portrait of Jesus, in a failed restoration, is now suing her church for a cut of the tourist money that is coming in to see it. That’s like President Obama asking for a cut of the debate profits.

Finally the weather broke and we have a cool streak. Last week it was so hot, I was sweating like Honey Boo Boo’s mom on a power walk.

Last week it was so hot, I was sweating like President Obama watching a recording of the debate. 




Since you asked:

'The Legends of Laurel Canyon' - presented by Eye on L.A. - 10/05/2012 | Entertainment News from OnT...

www.ontheredcarpet.com

Tina Malave brings you a special lo

"Met" today's playoff broadcaster, Ron Darling, in a hip Upper East Side bar in New York circa 1985. We were not Mets fans, so there were no autograph requests or fawning. One of the guys we were with knew a guy Darling knew from Yale, so we had an in, so he had zero reason not to be nice to us. Darling could not have been more of a pompous, dick-head, smug, douche-bag. A true tool in every since of the word. It was a miracle none of us former football players did not bitch-slap his self-righteous face. 

Having said that, I have met three "great" Mets, Darling, Lenny Dykstra and "Rusty" Staub, and I would be hard-pressed to decide which one was the worst NASA-level-approved crank-wad, poop-storm. 

Let's compare this to the two great Cubs I have met, Ernie Banks and Mark Grace. Mr. Banks could not have been a kinder, sweeter, old-school gentleman. Mark Grace had that intangible leader "thing" that made you want to play poker with him at night, and charge into battle with him the next day. And funny as hell. 

The moral? Mets suck and Cubs are great. 

‘Taint no big thang to wait for the bell to rang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The results of the presidential debates were mixed. Most thought Mitt Romney won, some thought President Obama won, everyone said; “I missed “Modern Family” for this?

Lot of interesting information coming out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new book; instead of the famous “Terminator” catch phrase; “I’ll be back.” Arnold wanted to say; “What’chu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”

During this campaign, both presidential candidates repeatedly refer to the United States as the greatest country in the world; clearly neither of these two have ever seen “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

The lead singer for the 90’s band, Creed, said he feels Obama has been ineffective; that’s fine, but I am going to wait to hear what the guy from the Goo Goo Dolls thinks.

For the third time a row of seats on an American Airlines flight came loose. Or as Spirit Airlines would call that, their new more expensive Mobile Class.

Spirit Airlines will start charging $100 per carry-on bag. What’s next? A $200 and-the- flight-attendant-won’t-punch-you-in-the-face fee?

There were some odd moments during the presidential debate. Like the time Mitt Romney kept yelling; “Honey Badger don’t care.” 

Did you see Mitt Romney flash his debate smile? It is the exact same smile the bank vice president gives you when he says they can’t accept your third-party check.

Is it just me or does Obama sound like the high school principal explaining the fire drill and Romney sounds like the salesman-of-the-month at the Cadillac dealership? 

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a puppy of wealth and taste. This right here none other than our newest family member Walter "Walley" Payton Kaseberg. He is a Goldendoodle.