It is hard out here

Trow yo hands in da air and give me a fo shizzy fo rizzy, my bizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hit quite a snag
Kevin Federline has been approached to write a tell-all book about Britney Spears; although interested in the idea, the deal hit a snag when K-Fed asked; “OK, so what’s a book, yo?”

Desperate times
In Florida, somebody stole Christmas toys donated to give to children with cancer. Man, I know his book deal fell through, but that O.J. Simpson must be really broke.

Well, she did
Now that his potential presidential candidacy is gaining strength people are interested in Illinois Senator Barack Obama’s name. Did you know that Obama’s middle name is Hussein? At least that’s what Hillary Clinton is telling everyone.

Not good
Now that his potential presidential candidacy is gaining strength, people are interested in Illinois Senator Barack Obama’s name. Did you know that Obama’s middle name is Hussein? That couldn’t be worse news for the Barack’s campaign than if his middle name was John Kerry.

What I mean is they can handle it
A Fort Collins, CO 29-year-old blonde teacher is charged with sexual assault of her 17-year-old male student. Is it actually possible for an attractive woman to sexually assault a 17-year-old boy? That’s like throwing donuts at Rueben Stoddard.

Can a hot 29-year-old blonde woman really sexually assault a healthy 17-year-old boy? Now if the guy was 90-years-old, than yes, that would be assault with intent to kill. A 17-year-old can take anything she can dish out.

Get it?
Kevin Federline wants to give Britney Spears a nice Christmas stocking. But, luckily for Britney, her restraining order refrains Kevin from stalking Britney’s Christmas.

About the same level of interest
Ohio Dem. congressman Dennis Kucinich announced he is running for President in 2008; in equally important news, today my dog, Wrigley, snored when he took a nap.


Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich announced he is running for President in 2008; this would be really great news if not for the fact that absolutely nobody gives a damn.


Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich polled his followers and they said Kucinich should run for President in 2008. But only if Kucinich promised to stop pestering them and let the three of them finish their Happy Meals in peace.


Poor guy
What is with the rash of celebrity D.U.I’s? Yesterday, Nicole Richey, before her Rip Torn, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson. And today, Kramer, Michael Richards, was pulled over for drunk driving. But they let him go because, since his racist tirade, Michael can’t get arrested as a celebrity.


The gift that says “You’re an idiot”
A poll reveals that 50% of people will give a gift card this year. And what says Christmas more than a card that says; “I thought you would blow this money on something crappy so I got you credit at a decent store.”

What does this mean?
The September 11th Nicolas Cage movie “World Trade Center” is out on DVD; my wife wants to see that but I told her I don’t know if I can take seeing all that carnage. Then she said; “OK, how about “Brokeback Mountain” and I said, “So, Nicolas Cage, huh? He’s good.”


Since you asked:
Just saw my DVR’d “30 Rock” and it is official. I have a crazy crush on Tina Fey. No lie, I am going to find out where her English class is and sprint over there just to walk by when she gets out and see if she says hello to me. And I am going to suddenly be real friendly with that band guy I haven’t ever given the time of day to because I know he lives next to her.

Tina Fey is smolderingly hot (yes, I know Tina would know that is redundant) cute, witty and sexy, but she is also brilliantly self-deprecating. Who knows what she is really like in person? But I get the feeling from seeing her on Conan and Dave that she is actually like her character.

Check out “30 Rock” it is by far the funniest show of all the shows about “Saturday Night Live.” (Tina said “30 Rock” is to “Studio 60” what “Hogan’s Heroes” is to “Schindler’s List”)

Tina’s Liz Lemon’s single bar fiasco night capped by her drunken, soulful and yet bitter Karaoke rendition of Janis Ian’s “At Seventeen” on the last show was priceless.

It is hard out here

How old is he?
Future Hall-of-Famer Greg Maddux signed with the San Diego Padre. Now I don’t want say that Greg Maddux is getting up there, but his at-bat song is Pachebel’s Canon in D-Minor.

Future Hall-of-Famer Greg Maddux signed with the San Diego Padres. Now I don’t want to say that Maddux is getting up there, but when Maddux played for the Atlanta Braves, Atlanta still had real Indian Braves.

Old School Stud
The San Diego Chargers LaDanian Tomlinson is two points away from breaking the NFL’s 176 points scoring record set by Green Bay Packers Paul Hornung; Paul Hornung’s old-school ways were well chronicled. On a typically morning Hornung would head to the team’s steam bath to sweat out the night before. After practice, several teammates would retreat to Hornung’s apartment for martinis, cigars, cards and laughs. After many, many martinis they would go to dinner at their favorite steak house. Many bottles of wine later, they would hit the bars where Paul was even more notorious for scoring than on the football field.  

Paul Hornung: legendary star athlete, witty good ol’ boy, skilled gambler, charming and handsome womanizer. Sigh. There are so few of us.

It is hard out here

We got our jingle bell rock on up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Exit stage left
Did you see that clip of the White House Christmas tree falling over? Even the White House Christmas tree has a better exit strategy than President Bush.

That should work
The Evangelist who was caught with a male prostitute, Ted Haggart, is undergoing intensive therapy, counseling and training to try and convert him from gay to straight. It’s called the Katie Holmes project.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was a little awkward when President Bush saw the depiction of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” today on the Google home page. Bush said; “Hey, it’s that “Home Alone” kid.”

I’m so waisted
Nicole Richey was arrested for driving under the influence of Vicodin and marijuana; you could tell Nicole was stoned, she had the munchies so bad she ate an entire potato chip all by herself.

When she was booked, Nicole Richey weighed 85 pounds. Rosie O’Donnell’s softball bat weighs more than that.

Busy guy
Minnesota Timberwolves Eddie Griffin was issued a ticket for inattentive driving after he caused a crash while driving drunk, watching pornography and masturbating; repeat, the guy was driving drunk, watching porn and masturbating. Say what you want, my man knows how to multi-task.

Minnesota Timberwolves Eddie Griffin was issued a ticket for inattentive driving after he caused a crash drunk, while watching pornography and masturbating; ironically he was driving a Hummer.

Minnesota Timberwolves Eddie Griffin was issued a ticket for inattentive driving after he crashed drunk, while watching pornography and masturbating; this will result in a new greeting in the NBA: the high elbow.

Buddy up, Apu
A survey reveals that American-made condoms are too big for men in India. Outsource this here, India.

Same ol’ same ol’
The NBA is scrapping their new synthetic ball for their old leather one. For example, with the new ball, the New York Knicks couldn’t dribble it, couldn’t shoot it or pass it. So for the Knicks the new ball was no different from the old one.

How does that work?
A Fort Collins, CO 29-year-old blonde teacher is charged with sexual assault of her 17-year-old male student. Sexual assault? What’s that mean? Did she pistol whip him with her vibrator?

Sexual assault? Did she smack him around with her breasts? Take that. Whap, whap.

Breaking story
Ohio Dem. congressman Dennis Kucinich announced he is running for President in 2008; in equally important news, my dog, Wrigley, snored when he took a nap.


Since you asked:

Let’s face it, if you are an adult, Christmas is a pain-in-the-ass.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the spirit and the decorations and especially the Christmas movies (I weep hot little girl tears the split second Jacob Marley breaks down over his little cock sparrow, Tiny Tim) and the parties, but compared to when you were a kid, Christmas is an added stress.

That is why it is so great to have a kid this time of year.

Picture a Norman Rockwell-like little blonde eight-year-old girl, with freckles around her nose and her two front teeth missing, wearing her Santa hat and just sitting as quiet as the angel on top of the tree on the couch in an unlit living room, starring at the lit Christmas tree as she listens to her dancing Santa play “Jingle Bell Rock” over and over again.

And over, and over, and over again.

Takes the Bah right out yo’ Humbug is what it do.

Remember the really cute little girl with the adorable lisp in “Mrs. Doubtfire”? That’s what A.C. sounds like now that both front teefers have gone missing. (What do you want to bet that “Mrs. Doubtfire” girl’s parents didn’t spend a whole lot on speech therapy?)

Any who, as Ann Caroline would say it;

“Merry Chrisssssmasssss Torn Ssssslaternsssss and Nugget Rancherssssss.

Check out you booooyyyyyyyyyyy up in here:

Again, I know who that great comedy writer Alan Ray is, but not sure about those other guys.

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5014524dec14,0,1880937.story?coll=ny-viewpoints-headlines

It is hard out here

Talk to the man holdin’ up the hand, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Boom goes the V.P.
Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, Mary, is pregnant; in a related story, Dick Cheney shot David Crosby in the face.

Dork confusion
Today there was a huge line of nerds outside of NASA; until NASA explained to them that they were planning to build a space station on the moon, not a Play Station.

Errrrp
I’m fine now, but I wasn’t feeling too good on Saturday; in retrospect maybe it wasn’t a good idea to eat that Taco Bell Bird Flu Burrito.

So that’s convenient
NASA is going to put a space station on the moon. And it is going to be in walking distance to the Rite Aid.

Ewwww
An American Airlines flight to Nashville was forced to land after a passenger lit matches to mask her severe flatulence.

“Ladies in gentlemen, in preparation for landing we ask you that you raise your trey tables to their full upright and locked position, and, whatever you do, do not pull that stinky lady’s finger.”

He shoots, he scores
San Diego Chargers LaDainian Tomlinson set an NFL record for rushing for 28 touchdowns; in fact, L.T. scores more than a Greek shipping heir on “Free Jello Shots for Paris Hilton” night.

Fuel for thought
Scientists are able to convert fat from lipo suction procedures into bio-diesel fuel; in a related story, we now have enough fuel to fly to Saturn on the space ship Star Jones.

The name game
Now that his potential presidential candidacy is gaining steam, people are interested in the origin of Illinois Senator Barack Obama’s name. Barack Obama is a Nigerian name that roughly means: Hillary’s Worst Nightmare.

It is hard out here

Check out this here rebuttizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


T. J. Simers of “The Los Angeles Times” writes ‘It’s the time of year when you think of the people less fortunate or living in San Diego.”

I’ve had the misfortune to meet T.J. Simers when he was a guest of- you got it - San Diego, in Super Bowl 37. Let me just say that being horribly ugly, fat, bloated and untalented can only account for so much anger and bitterness. Something is seriously wrong with poor Mr. Simers.

Simers goes on: “It's pretty well understood that the folks living down there (here) just don't have what it takes to work and live in Orange County or the L.A. area.” Is Simers always this wrong? It goes on: “The people who live there know it, it bugs them, but it's not like they're living in Nebraska — so for the most part they accept the fact they are less fortunate.”

My mother taught me that you don’t get in a spitting contest with a snake, nor a hot dog eating contest with Rosie O’Donnell. So I will not insult the fine readers of T.J. Simers – all ten of them – by insulting Los Angeles.

Besides, if I go to the extensive effort of pointing out all of the wonderful reasons for living in San Diego, we might attract too many people to move here who have become angry, bitter and frustrated because of the horrible conditions where they live. Like, for example, the pathetic moon-faced sports writers of those towns without a professional football team.

With the exception of all of the nice people in the towns of Nebraska. Sure, like Los Angeles, they also don’t have a pro football team, but at least those people are really nice.

It is hard out here

That there is a steaming bowl of tore-up from the floor up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Errrrp
I’m fine now, but I wasn’t feeling too good on Saturday; in retrospect maybe it wasn’t a good idea to eat that Taco Bell Bird Flu Burrito.

Finally
NASA is going to put a space station on the moon. This is good news for those lonely and bored Starbucks moon-store employees.

So that explains it
The San Francisco Giants signed Barry Bonds to a one-year $16 million deal; Why the number sixteen? It’s the same as Bonds’s hat size.

A sure sign
An associate of the radiation poisoned spy has radiation poisoning. You know how you can tell if you have radiation poisoning? When you can read at night by the light from your genitals.

A guy would brag
An American Airlines flight from Dallas to Nashville was forced to land after a passenger lit matches to mask her severe flatulence. The woman is horribly embarrassed. You know if this happened to a guy he’d call his buddies. “Yeah, that’s right, I took a plane out of the sky.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, in preparation for landing we ask you that you raise your trey tables to their full upright and locked position, and, whatever you do, do not pull that stinky lady’s finger.”

Yo, I got some good stuff over here
There is an outbreak in food poisonings at the New York and New Jersey area Taco Bells; this will teach Taco Bell not to buy their meat from Vinny “The Disposer” Ecolio.

In New Jersey they should have suspected there was a problem when the ground beef turned out to have bullets in it.

For truth in advertising
An American Airlines flight to Nashville made a forced landing after a passenger lit matches to mask her severe flatulence. As a result, American Airlines had to change their motto to:

“We’re American Airlines, something especially nasty in the air.”