Some things are cool just because they are

We ain’t stallin’, we ballin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers Halloween is just around the corner; the Los Angeles Clippers are going trick or treating as NBA players. Everyone gets into the Halloween spirit in Southern California, the freeway shooters replace their bullets with Silly String. Everyone gets into the Halloween spirit in Southern California, when you get a spray tan, you can ask for Halloween orange. Everyone gets into the Halloween spirit in Southern California, for the next three days women in Beverly Hills can get their breast implants in the shape of those Halloween candy corns. Kids, whatever you do, do not go trick or treating dressed as Northwest pilots, you’ll miss your neighbor’s houses by 150 miles. California doctors have approved medical marijuana in the treatment of hemorrhoids; the bad news? You have to smoke from your other end. You thought it was tough when the joint got down to the roach-end before? Ouch. ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with a co-worker, and now he is in sex addiction rehab. Losing his job at ESPN is a good start. Now all he has to do is become a clerk at Radio Shack and he will never have to worry about being addicted to sex again. ESPN’s Steve Phillips was fired over an affair with a co-worker, and now he is in sex addiction rehab. And they are bringing in a celebrity expert sex-addiction therapist: former Sec. of State, Condoleezza Rice. She is an expert at not having sex. Since you asked: The first time I took Ann Caroline trick or treating, she was about four and she was a little nervous and tentative. She was dressed up as a princess ballerina. Pink tutu and tiara. It took a little urging to get her to walk up by herself to a our neighbor's house and ring the door bell. "Twick or Tweat" she said in a trembling little nervous voice that sounded more like a question. Then our neighbor, Nancy, gushed over how pretty she looked and A.C. beamed. The shyness was gone. And then the most amazing thing happened. Nancy dumped a bunch of candy into her plastic pumpkin, and Ann Caroline's entire body lit up like a firefly. You could almost see her think: "This is my calling. Get dressed up and get handed free candy? I am going to do this every single day." She then thanked Nancy and bolted - and I mean really ran - over to the next house. I think she wanted to see if this was fluke. Nope, sure enough, another round of gushing compliments followed by a bunch of free candy. Right then and there Ann Caroline decided she was going to be a professional trick or treat'r for the rest of her life.

My Man Laird Hamilton tearing it up on a SUP

Say nay to the way to hay now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You know that old bromide we only use 10% of our brains? Not true, scientists say we use 100% of our brains all the time. Wow, this is really bad news for President George W. Bush.

Osama bin Laden’s first ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the terrorist. I particularly like the chapter titled; “He may be the top terrorist, but his 72 virgins are in for a disappointment.”

Osama bin Laden’s first ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the terrorist. Not to go into too much detail about their sex life, but let’s say if Osama was a suicide bomber, he would go off before he got out his bedroom door.

A Northwest flight from San Diego overshot the Minneapolis airport by 150 miles; the pilots say they were distracted by their laptops. The bad news? The pilots nickname for flight attendants is laptops.

Courtney Love fled Los Angeles in a panic after a fake drug raid by off-duty police hired by Love’s employees. Man, there is regular old hating your boss and then there is hiring-a-fake-drug-raid hating your boss.

In Russia, a circus bear on ice skates mauled two people in the “Bears on Skates” show; authorities are not sure of the cause of the attack, but I can take a guess: they put the bears on ice skates.

Two Chicago men, David Coleman Headley and Tahawwur Hussain Rana, are accused of plotting terrorist attacks in Denmark. Prosecutors suspected Headley because he traveled to Denmark to scout targets, they suspected Tahawwur Hussain Rana because his name is: Tahawwur Hussain Rana.

Ivanka Trump got married this weekend to a guy named Jared Kushner. Can you imagine having The Donald as your father-in-law? On Thanksgiving, “Hey, Dad, let’s switch channels to the other game.” “You’re fired.”

On “MNF” the Eagles beat the Washington Redskins, 27-17, but the Eagles performance was disappointing to new football fan, Sarah Palin, Palin was upset the Eagles didn’t play “Hotel California” or “Life in the Fast Lane.”

On “MNF” the Eagles beat the Washington Redskins, 27-17, Redskins coach, Jim Zorn, had been stripped of his play calling duties during the game. Poor Zorn stood there looking like Barney Fife after Andy took away his bullet.

Dick Cheney has accused Barack Obama on dithering in Afghanistan. Cheney used the hipper term dithering instead of his usual: fiddlesticks, by crackie, that rapscallion is hornswaggling us, see? They were lollygagging, I tell yah. Give ‘em the ol’ 23 scadoo.

California First Lady, Maria Shriver, was seen illegally talking on her handheld cell phone while driving, now she parked for over an hour in a red fire lane. She is just 20 items in the ten-items-or-less express grocery lane from being every rude soccer mom in my neighborhood.

Doctors in California have approved medical marijuana in the treatment of hemorrhoids. Marijuana for hemorrhoids is ingested differently, let’s just say it’s OK to Bogart that joint, my friend, do not pass it over to me.

Halloween is a festive and easy time in Los Angeles; you just place a pumpkin Jack-o’- lantern in front of a crack house and, boom: instant haunted house.

Sometimes all you can say is oh my goodness . . . I think their names are Chester, Bart and Stewie, I'll let you pick who is who.

Imma gonna let you know when Imma is actually a word, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A woman in Texas is being held for observation after living with her dead boyfriend for a week; she first suspected something was wrong when the toilet seat lid stayed down.

Have you heard about that new networking website for Jews? It’s called Faceberg.

The scariest costume for kids this Halloween? The Roman Polanski babysitter costume.

The good news for Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable is he will not face assault chargers for punching an assistant; the bad news for Cable? He still has to be the coach of the Oakland Raiders.

Have you heard about that new networking website just for middle-age divorcees? It’s like Twitter but it’s called: Bitter.

Martha Stewart bragged that she is proud to be a Cougar, a Cougar is a woman who dates far younger men; then Martha revealed her Fall recipe for Pumpkin, Vodka and Roofies pie.

Here is a fun drinking game for the baseball playoffs on Fox . Take a drink when announcer Tim McCarver says something obvious. Last night I was drunk by the second inning, passed out in my own mess in the fifth and by the ninth inning I was in a rehab weeping about my lonely childhood.