Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Say nay to the way to hay now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
You know that old bromide we only use 10% of our brains? Not true, scientists say we use 100% of our brains all the time. Wow, this is really bad news for President George W. Bush.
Osama bin Laden’s first ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the terrorist. I particularly like the chapter titled; “He may be the top terrorist, but his 72 virgins are in for a disappointment.”
Osama bin Laden’s first ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the terrorist. Not to go into too much detail about their sex life, but let’s say if Osama was a suicide bomber, he would go off before he got out his bedroom door.
A Northwest flight from San Diego overshot the Minneapolis airport by 150 miles; the pilots say they were distracted by their laptops. The bad news? The pilots nickname for flight attendants is laptops.
Courtney Love fled Los Angeles in a panic after a fake drug raid by off-duty police hired by Love’s employees. Man, there is regular old hating your boss and then there is hiring-a-fake-drug-raid hating your boss.
In Russia, a circus bear on ice skates mauled two people in the “Bears on Skates” show; authorities are not sure of the cause of the attack, but I can take a guess: they put the bears on ice skates.
Two Chicago men, David Coleman Headley and Tahawwur Hussain Rana, are accused of plotting terrorist attacks in Denmark. Prosecutors suspected Headley because he traveled to Denmark to scout targets, they suspected Tahawwur Hussain Rana because his name is: Tahawwur Hussain Rana.
Ivanka Trump got married this weekend to a guy named Jared Kushner. Can you imagine having The Donald as your father-in-law? On Thanksgiving, “Hey, Dad, let’s switch channels to the other game.” “You’re fired.”
On “MNF” the Eagles beat the Washington Redskins, 27-17, but the Eagles performance was disappointing to new football fan, Sarah Palin, Palin was upset the Eagles didn’t play “Hotel California” or “Life in the Fast Lane.”
On “MNF” the Eagles beat the Washington Redskins, 27-17, Redskins coach, Jim Zorn, had been stripped of his play calling duties during the game. Poor Zorn stood there looking like Barney Fife after Andy took away his bullet.
Dick Cheney has accused Barack Obama on dithering in Afghanistan. Cheney used the hipper term dithering instead of his usual: fiddlesticks, by crackie, that rapscallion is hornswaggling us, see? They were lollygagging, I tell yah. Give ‘em the ol’ 23 scadoo.
California First Lady, Maria Shriver, was seen illegally talking on her handheld cell phone while driving, now she parked for over an hour in a red fire lane. She is just 20 items in the ten-items-or-less express grocery lane from being every rude soccer mom in my neighborhood.
Doctors in California have approved medical marijuana in the treatment of hemorrhoids. Marijuana for hemorrhoids is ingested differently, let’s just say it’s OK to Bogart that joint, my friend, do not pass it over to me.
Halloween is a festive and easy time in Los Angeles; you just place a pumpkin Jack-o’- lantern in front of a crack house and, boom: instant haunted house.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Imma gonna let you know when Imma is actually a word, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
A woman in Texas is being held for observation after living with her dead boyfriend for a week; she first suspected something was wrong when the toilet seat lid stayed down.
Have you heard about that new networking website for Jews? It’s called Faceberg.
The scariest costume for kids this Halloween? The Roman Polanski babysitter costume.
The good news for Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable is he will not face assault chargers for punching an assistant; the bad news for Cable? He still has to be the coach of the Oakland Raiders.
Have you heard about that new networking website just for middle-age divorcees? It’s like Twitter but it’s called: Bitter.
Martha Stewart bragged that she is proud to be a Cougar, a Cougar is a woman who dates far younger men; then Martha revealed her Fall recipe for Pumpkin, Vodka and Roofies pie.
Here is a fun drinking game for the baseball playoffs on Fox . Take a drink when announcer Tim McCarver says something obvious. Last night I was drunk by the second inning, passed out in my own mess in the fifth and by the ninth inning I was in a rehab weeping about my lonely childhood.