My city is hosting our Rock & Roll Marathon Sunday because, as we all know, nothing goes together more than rock and roll and a marathon besides maybe yachting and crack.

The great thing about America's Finest City Rock and Roll Marathon is that it is the only marathon where the contestants run 26.2 miles and the observing rock stars are admitted to the hospital for "exhaustion."

Do to the me to the running, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bummer
Sonia Sotomayor has been nominated to the Supreme Court. You know Ruth Bader Ginsberg is bummed. She was hoping to hit some hot new Judge stud meat.

Big shots
Can you believe all the celebrities at the Los Angeles Lakers playoff games? It is a veritable who’s who of people who have slept with Paris Hilton and Madonna.

Yikes
Jose Conseco was knocked out by 7-2, 330 pound Hong Man Choi in 77 seconds. Conseco’s body hasn’t taken a beating like that since a 1989 booty call from Madonna.

Conseco’s brain appears to be fine, as soon as he got up he was able to fire his agent.

Jose Conseco was knocked out by 7-2, 330 pound Hong Man Choi in 77 seconds. Immediately after the match Conseco began work on a tell-all book revealing Choi’s steroid abuse.

Powell and Cheney snit fit
In a response to angry accusations of betrayal from top republicans like Dick Cheney and Carl Rove, Colin Powell announced he is still a republican. And to prove it Powell water-boarded an illegal immigrant.

Dick Cheney angrily accused Colin Powell of not being a republican to which Powell responded by saying he is a republican, to which Cheney said; “Are not.” And Powell said, “Are too.” To which Cheney said “Nuh uh.” To which Powell replied “Uh huh, am too times infinity.”

Unusual
A plumber had to be called to Citi Field during a New York Mets game because a woman got her arm stuck in a toilet fishing after a dropped gold tooth. Which is odd because the Mets don’t usually go in the toilet until mid September.

No assembly required
Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen are expecting a baby. Upon hearing this, Angelina Jolie called them and said; “You do know you can buy them already fully assembled don’t you?”

Lengthy
Pattie Blagojevich, wife of Rod Blagojevich, is set to be in NBC's upcoming reality show, "I'm a Celebrity . . . Get me out of here" because apparently the name "I'm a Foul-Mouthed Greedy Golddigger Bitch . . . Get Me Out of Here " was too long.

Going, going, gone
In a desperate attempt to raise money, CA Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced California will have to auction off some of its iconic landmarks. He's not kidding, today bidding began on Arnold's left pectoral muscle.

It is what it is what it is what it is until it isn’t, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not since then
The San Diego Padres have won ten games in a row despite a team collective batting average of .210. That is the best anyone has done without many hits since Billy Ray Cyrus.

Nice move
The latest rumor is that Alex Rodriguez was making out in a New York club with Kate Hudson. It looks like A-Rod is trying to pull a Capt “Sully” Sullenberger: get lucky and land on the Hudson.

Save the date, oh, you already did
Carnival Cruise lines has announced a three day cruise with live performances from New Kids on the Block. The cruise will take place June 16th through June 19th in 1989.

Time to remember
Did you have a good Memorial Day? I took time to think about a brave soul who sacrificed himself so the rest of us can be safe. But enough about Madonna’s fiancé, let’s remember the soldiers.

How hot is it?
It is so hot in New York City, Madonna had a hot flash and actually cooled down.

Boom
President Barack Obama has nominated the first Hispanic Supreme Court judge nominee, Sonia Sotomayor; that noise you just heard was Lou Dobbs’s head exploding.

Sure sign
The juicy gossip is actress Kate Hudson was seen making out in a club with Alex Rodriguez; they really went at it too, the next day Kate tested positive for steroids.

Makes sense to me
A survey reveals the most popular girls name in the US is Emma. The least popular girls name? Michael Jackson.

Dumb
A player on the English soccer club Chorlton Villa received a yellow card for breaking wind as an opponent took a penalty kick. Apparently it was considered a fragrant foul. This just in: I just received a yellow card for that stupid joke.

Not good
The Chicago Cubs have now lost eight games in a row. To give you an idea how bad it is, you know the Cubs’ famous Billy Goat curse? That Billy Goat just got the swine flu.

Nut job
In Florida, Buffalo Bill running back, Corey McIntyre, was arrested after getting caught fondling himself outside a woman’s bedroom window. This McIntyre guy must be some kind of whacko.

Give him that much
A player on the English soccer club Chorlton Villa received a yellow card for breaking wind as an opponent took a penalty kick. But to the soccer player’s defense, he didn’t use his hands.

We can only hope
Osama bin Laden’s chef is in New York facing criminal charges. Fingers crossed, one day we could nab bin Laden’s aroma therapist, masseuse and pedicurist.

We manufacturing the outrage by hand up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Fun, fun, fun
Actress Anna Feris said she and her fiancé keep things exciting by sending mid-week sexy text messages. They call it “Sex text Wednesday.” And they have even more fun on “Sit on my Facebook Friday.”

Juicy
The juicy gossip is actress Kate Hudson was seen making out in a club with Alex Rodriguez; they really went at it too, the next day Kate tested positive for steroids.

Old kiss
Did you see Kiss on “American Idol”? You can tell Kiss is getting older, right when Kiss came out on stage, Gene Simmons yelled to the contestants; “You punks get off my lawn.”

I like that guy
I like Joe Biden, he reminds me of the guy at the celebrity golf tournament getting his picture taken with Joe Piscipo,

Scary
When Dick Cheney was vice president, he didn’t say two words, now he can’t shut up, he’s talking more after being vice president. Can you imagine if this happens to Joe Biden? We’d have to shoot him.

Kiss
On “American Idol” you can tell Kiss is getting up there. Gene Simmons doesn’t stick his tongue out anymore, it just droops and hangs down on its own.


On “American Idol” you can tell Kiss is getting up there. Four words: orthopedic high heel boots.

More “A.I.”
Could you believe all the high pitched screaming when Adam Lambert sang? I haven’t heard screaming like that on “American Idol” since Sanjaya and Ryan Seacrest got in a hair-pulling fight back stage.

The Joe Biden
Have you heard about the new medical life alert device? It’s called “The Joe Biden” It’s for severe verbal diarrhea; “Help, I’m talking and I can’t shut up.”


Alright already
Remember that burger joint in Virginia where the President and Vice President had a burger? They named a burger “The Joe Biden Burger” It’s so good you can’t shut up about it.

Regular Joe
I like Joe Biden, he reminds me of the guy who loves to brag about the deals he gets with his credit card points.

I like Joe Biden, he reminds me of a guy who judges another guy by the firmness of his handshake.

I like Joe Biden, he looks like the guy at the charity auction getting his picture taken with Ruth Buzzie.

Baleing out
Christian Bale is promoting “Terminator Salvation,” he plays John Connor on his quest to stop alien robots from destroying earth. Bale’s character is a fearless and virtually unstoppable warrior, unless an alien gets in his line of sight while shooting a scene, then Bale comes unglued.

Since you asked:

Not to get all Andy Rooney on your tookuseses, but have you noticed how the computer acts like that mean, nasty sadistic teacher you had in high school? When you do something right, it is slow and reluctant to tell you.

"Hmm, let me see, maybe, I'm not sure, OK, you went to the right web site."

But the second you make a mistake it jumps down your throat. It makes that nasty angry chord noise. Errrrrr! Wrong. Idiot. Moron. Your parents hate you. What is wrong with you?