"Schnikey, Mikey, Nike, Crikey."

At the debate Donald Trump assured us he has a big enough penis to be president. Wasn’t it the great patriot, Patrick Henry, who said, “Give me a president with a big schmecky or give me death?” 

TMZ is reporting the LAPD is finally investigating a knife that was discovered buried on OJ Simpson’s property years ago. That is some crack police work. And they might have a new lead on the Lindbergh baby. 

The LAPD said they got the tip from this new and exciting thing people call the Internet. 

No, I meant it. That is some crack police work. And by that I mean I think the LAPD are on crack. 

Donald Trump is running on the fact he is a good business man, but his four casinos, a brand of vodka and steaks failed. Trump could not sell booze, gambling and steaks to Americans. That is like not being able to sell a mirror to a Kardashian. 

Carolina Panther QB, Cam Newton has his own show on Nickelodeon called “All In With Cam Newton.” The show will feature a season of good shows, but ending in one disastrous melt-down.

The show will be vintage Cam Newton. After a few minutes he will turn it over to someone else.

Caitlyn Jenner announced she endorses anti-trans/gay-rights candidate Ted Cruz. Note to self: stop saying this election cannot get weirder.

Donald Trump assured us his penis is big enough to be president. Asked to comment, Melania said, “He has a lot of money.”

Things are getting out of hand with this election. Baby Hitler just travelled forward in time to kill Donald Trump.

Today Chris Christie said his facial expressions behind Donald Trump were not due to anger being upset or despondent. So that leaves one conclusion: horrible gas. 

Donald Trump’s victory speech featured an awkward-looking Chris Christie standing behind Trump. Christie looked like he was being shamed by Principal Trump for stealing donuts from the cafeteria. 


Since you asked:

Here it is several days after the Oscars and the one enduring miracle of that night is that Chris Rock was able to sell $2,500 worth of Girl Scout cookies to the cheapest, freeloading rich people in the world. These people pull no coin. Mogul, Harvey Weinstein, yanked out a dusty $20 he earned in 1992’s “The Crying Game,” and demanded change.

Ah, the Oscars. Nothing like hearing the crowd who deafeningly applauded 13-year-old-girl rapist, Roman Polanski, also applaud “Spotlight.” 

Same rich crowd who condemns greed in “The Big Short” who would not be there if their studio had not paid for their limo and a designer given them their clothes. The same crowd condemning greed who doesn’t blink when they collect a $200,000 goody bag. 

Nothing like being lectured on the hazards of global warming from a guy, Leonardo DiCaprio, who flies in super models by the dozen in his helicopter to his yacht. 

Hollywood. You cannot spell it without the letters in Hypocrisy. Except for the P. And C, I and S. But you need the H, Y, O.

A beauty products company mistook a picture of Whoopie Goldberg for Oprah on Twitter. That company just got a giant can of Whooprah opened on their ass. 

A tennis match in Brazil employed shelter dogs as ball boys. The dogs were great at getting the balls, but they would not give them up. So clearly none of the dogs were named Cam or Newton. 

Howard Stern pranked a sports radio show with a fake Peyton Manning. The fake Peyton Manning was not convincing. He did not try and pimp Budweiser, Papa John’s, Nationwide or Gatorade. 

A judge refused to throw out a $40 mil. fraud lawsuit by students against Donald Trump’s Trump University. A spokesperson for Trump University said the lawsuit has no merit and that they teachify students right goodly.

The last batch of Hillary Clinton’s emails were released online today. Nothing much was revealed other than Hillary’s constant Googling of the terms Cankles, Charging-Rhino-thighs and Cackle-laugh. 

The Philadelphia Eagles signed their quarterback, Sam Bradford to a two-year $36 mil. deal. In a related story, Tim Tebow was approved to become an Uber driver.

Concrete Blonde - Joey

A study shows obesity causes more memory loss than previously thought. When asked if this was a factor in quitting the presidential race, Chris Christie said, “What presidential race?” 

The corrupt head of soccer, FIFA, has appointed a new president, Giani Infantino. On opening day he will throw out the first bribe. How corrupt is FIFA? The only time the soccer officials are allowed to use their hands is when they’re stuffing bribes down their pants. 

Hillary Clinton defeated Bernie Sanders by so much in South Carolina it is being investigated as elder abuse.

After fracturing her knee on Saturday, Lindsay Vonn came back Sunday to ski and extend her lead in World Cup points. So, fellas, along with Ronda Rousey, that makes two women in the “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition who can kick our asses. 

Ted Cruz hinted that Donald Trump’s tax information has ties to the Mafia. Apparently the Mafia made Trump a coiffure he couldn’t refuse. 

After fracturing her knee on Saturday, Lindsay Vonn came back Sunday to ski and extend her lead  in World Cup points. Her knee hurt, but then she compared it to dating Tiger Woods and decided a fractured leg is not that bad.

After fracturing her knee on Saturday, Lindsay Vonn came back Sunday to ski and extend her lead in World Cup points. She fell during a snowstorm that was so white, it  could have been nominated for an Oscar. 

Leonardo DiCaprio is the sentimental favorite to win best actor. He has the three factors needed to win: A, he has been nominated before, B, he had a demanding performance in “The Revenant,” and, C, he is whiter than the smorgasbord at a polka festival.