Friday, October 31, 2008

Scare with flare, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you have a good Halloween? Mine was rough. One kid came as a Lehman Bros. executive and grabbed our whole bowl of candy claiming it as his bonus.

One poor kid dressed up as a New York Met but he kept dropping his bag of candy.

One kid came as an Oakland Raider but he didn’t have enough strength to ring the doorbell.

New York Halloween
Halloween is fun in New York; Donald Trump takes that thing on his head trick or treating. And Elliot Spitzer goes trick or tricking.

Every Halloween Elliot Spitzer hires a hooker named Boo.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

These just in:

“High School Musical 3” is in theaters. Clay Aikens gives it two pinkies up.

Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted of fraud and corruption; the Anchorage airport is named after Ted Stevens. But the bathrooms are named after Idaho Senator Larry Craig.

Are you excited about Halloween? I am. I’m going to borrow my Aunt Myrtle’s mink coat and go as that thing on Amy Winehouse’s head.

Athletes are becoming involved in the campaign. The Cleveland Brown’s Brady Quinn endorsed John McCain. And if getting the support of the backup quarterback of a 3-4 team doesn’t win an election, I don’t know what will.

It turns out Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have six nannies, one for each child. You can read about it in Brad and Angelina’s new book on parenting titled; “Why It’s Far Better To Be Us Than You.”

Sarah Palin has quite a collection of nicknames: Caribou Barbie, Bible Spice, Hockey Mom, and my personal favorite: Tina Feyk.

A minor league pitcher, Julio Castillo, was indicted on two charges of assault for throwing a ball that hit a fan. Thank goodness nothing like that could ever happen to the New York Mets, they couldn’t hit a fan if they tried.

Since you asked:

Did I mention that my bestest buddy as a kid is World Series closer Brad Lidge’s uncle? Howie Detmer was quite a pitcher in his time. A little wild but he could throw smoke. In fact, Howie loved the expression “throwing peas” which meant the baseball was so fast it looked like a little pea to the batter, which he did. Howie, like Brad Lidge, threw peas.

We used to come home from school for lunch and I think I ate lunch at the Detmer’s house as much as mine. Mrs. Detmer, bless her soul, made my second favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwich next to my mom’s, bless her soul. For decades later people joked about how fast I ate and how slow Howie ate. Howie’s older brother, Tommy, a truly funny guy, was dumbfounded when he found out how many cavities I had.

“How can you get cavities if you don’t chew?”

To this day I maintain that Tommy Detmer was the only person who, A, nicknamed his mother "Toots" and, B, got away with it.

Howie was/is a big guy –we battled over who was taller until high school when he shot past me by a good three and a half inches to six five - and Brad Lidge definitely got the Detmer athlete gene from his mom, Debbie, a beautiful blonde cheerleader in her days at New Trier, I might add.

Howie was ahead of his time. They didn’t have closers back in the day, as the kids say, but he would have been a great one, no doubt. And I am guessing Brad Lidge is named after Howie’s cousin, Brad Fox, who was quite a baseball player and punter as well. He won a scholarship to Stanford.

The Fox’s and the Detmer’s had quite the athletic legacy at New Trier in Winnetka, Illinois.

And Brad Fox's younger cousin, Debbie Fox, named after Howie’s sister - for those following along at home - was another beautiful blonde New Trier cheerleader, a class older than me. As I once mentioned in here, Debbie Fox was the eye-scorching angel who did me the honor of shamelessly flirting with me in front of the entire school during a varsity basketball game.

During a cheerleading break, the aptly-named Debbie Fox sat on the bleacher directly below me and leaned her back against, uh, me using my legs as her royal arm rests. Yow. Let’s just say my social standing wasn’t the only thing that went up.


Ahem. Sorry. Why did I have to go there? (Que: “Memories” closely followed by “Glory Days” and, of course, Jimi's "Foxy Lady")

Congratulations to the Detmers, the Fox’s and the Lidge’s.

And bless you, Debbie Fox, wherever you are.

P.S. To this day, the names of the terrible trio of Howie, Alex and Duncan - our third Musketeer, Duncan Judson - strike horror into the hearts of any surviving Crow Island Elementary School teachers circa the late sixties.
Tote that rock to pay dirt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good fit
“High School Musical 3” is in theaters. It is the perfect movie for those put off by all the macho violence of “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.”

What an idiot
A Massachusetts state senator, Sen. Dianne Wilkerson, was caught on camera stuffing bribes into her bra; it turns out she was a much bigger boob than her boobs were.

Reports from the John McCain campaign say Sarah Palin is acting like a Diva; it may be true, last night at a West Hollywood club, Palin got in a drunken catfight with Paris Hilton.

That’s nice
Happy 61st birthday to Hillary Clinton. Bill decided to celebrate Hillary’s birthday with a romantic dinner followed by wild sex. And then, after his date, Bill called Hillary at home and wished her happy birthday.

Happy 61st birthday to Hillary Clinton. Bill can’t do anything right, Hillary is furious at him. It turns out Bill gave Hillary a gift certificate to Lane Bryant for a plus-sized pantsuit.

Kid show
Barrack Obama is airing a half-an-hour special tonight. And he has a cartoon version for children: “Barracky and Bullwinkel.”

Since you asked
Isn’t it hilarious how you can see a movie a couple of times and then suddenly a scene hits you? As “Knocked Up” was on HBO, I caught parts of it and there was the amazingly awkward and hilarious scene where Seth Rogan’s character is clumsily attempting to have sex with the hugely pregnant Katherine Heigl’s character and he suggests they try it doggie style. She is appalled and says;

“I don’t want to do it like a dog.”

And he replies:

“It's just a style. I’m not saying we have to go outside.”

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Paddle ‘til you’re addled, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You know what Paris Hilton’s Halloween costume is? Paris is going as the stock market. That way she can go down on everyone.

Rectum? It nearly killed him
An Australian study reveals that the expulsion of semen can prevent a man from getting prostate cancer. Oh, man, guys are going to run with this one. “No, honey, we don’t have to fool around, I’ll just lay here and die.”

An Australian study reveals that the expulsion of semen can prevent a man from getting prostate cancer.. This study was conducted by scientists who are the most wonderful and brilliant people who have ever lived.

These same scientists are currently working on a study that will prove constant massaging of mammaries reduces breast cancer and drinking beer aids longevity.

An Australian study reveals retention of semen can increase the odds of prostate cancer in males. Guys are going to run with this: “Excuse me Miss, but if you would do the honor of letting me buy you a drink, I can explain how you could be granted the eternal gift of saving a life.”

Car survey
A survey reveals that, when the candidates are compared to cars, Barack Obama is a BMW and John McCain is a Ford. And Sarah Palin is a Neiman Marcus delivery truck with a dead moose tied to the hood.

Supremacist to what?
Two Tennessee white supremacists met and planned online to assassinate Barrack Obama. Their attempt was thwarted primarily because they met online to plan to assassinate Barack Obama. Their abject stupidity proves, once again, the most ironic title in the world is White Supremacist.

Two Tennessee white supremacists met and planned online to assassinate Barrack Obama. So of course all of their actions could be tracked online by police. White Supremacists? Really? There are burritos that are more supreme than these idiots.

Not good
The Oliver Stone’s George W. Bush movie, “W.” isn’t doing great at the box office; critics say it goes on forever. Apparently it also doesn’t have an exit strategy.

Good idea
The most popular Halloween costume this year for girls? They wear a Sarah Palin mask and go as Tina Fey.

Rain men
Game five of the World Series was postponed due to rain. And Cowboy “Pacman” Jones trip to the strip club was postponed; due to the economy, he didn’t have enough money to make it rain.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I’ll have you know that I was the originator of the faux five, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Name change
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays had all eight losing seasons then they shortened their name to the Rays and now they are in the World Series. In a related story, introducing the Chicago Ubs.

Like that
The New Orleans Saints beat the San Diego Chargers in London, 37-32 without their star back Reggie Bush; they had to go through the weekend in London without Bush, just like Guy Ritchie.

That hasn’t changed
During her nasty divorce to Guy Ritchie, NBA-dater Madonna is reportedly going through a meltdown. She can’t sleep, she can’t eat, she can’t act . . . OK, the can’t act part is the same.

Not sure
During her divorce with Guy Ritchie, Madonna is reportedly going through a meltdown. One insider said Madonna emotionally threw a piston. Was it threw a piston or did they say that Madonna blew A Rod? I’m not a car expert.

How dumb is it?
In a domestic rage, a man in the Philippines cut off his penis. Doctors were unable to attach it as they left for the hospital in a panic without the penis. Cutting off your penis is stupid. Forgetting to bring it to the hospital? That makes you an honorary member of the Spears family.

In a domestic rage, a man in the Philippines cut off his penis. Doctors were unable to attach it as they left for the hospital in a panic without the penis. How does that work? “Car keys? Wallet? Cell Phone? Got em. Let’s go.” “OK, we're at the hospital, got the penis?” “I thought you had it.”

In a domestic rage, a man in the Philippines cut off his penis. Doctors were unable to attach it as they left for the hospital in a panic without the penis. You thought it was scary when you go to the store and forget your wallet? How about going to the hospital and forgetting your penis?

In a domestic rage, a man in the Philippines cut off his penis. Doctors were unable to attach it as they left for the hospital in a panic without the penis. You know the universal gesture for forgetting your wallet, the panicky pat of all pockets? What’s the gesture when you forget your penis? Grab your groin and yell; “Oh, shoot. I left it on the hall table.”